RailUK Forums
RailUK Forums > Other Forums > General Discussion


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 14th February 2017, 11:27   #541
Dom395
Member
 
Dom395's Avatar
 
Join Date: 7 Nov 2014
Location: Greater London
Posts: 94
Default

We are now arriving at Broadstairs, note this station does not have a lift but it does have broad stairs.

You don't need to say how corny that joke was.
Dom395 is offline   Reply With Quote
Registered users do not see these banners - join today!
Old 14th February 2017, 12:37   #542
zuriblue
Member
 
Join Date: 12 Oct 2014
Posts: 321
Default

Donald Trump has announced that now he’s President he’s going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
.
He wants to make America grate again.



What’s the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?

An orange has a thick skin.



My friend said to me, “I hear the FBI have foiled a terrorist plot to kill Donald Trump.”

“What, a suicide bomber? ” I asked.

“No, a surface to hair missile.”


How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We’re changing it, ok? And I understand what you’re saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say “Is the light bulb really dead?”. That’s what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

Last edited by zuriblue; 14th February 2017 at 12:41.
zuriblue is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th February 2017, 12:41   #543
zuriblue
Member
 
Join Date: 12 Oct 2014
Posts: 321
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dom395 View Post

You don't need to say how corny that joke was.
I know I don't need to but I will anyway.
zuriblue is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th February 2017, 14:57   #544
Peter Mugridge
Established Member
 
Peter Mugridge's Avatar
 
Join Date: 8 Apr 2010
Location: Epsom
Posts: 7,789
Default

President Trump heard his National Security Adviser had resigned.

He needed a drink to steady his nerves; the barman recommended a Mickey Flynn.
Peter Mugridge is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th February 2017, 17:25   #545
61653 HTAFC
Wibble-merchant
Established Member
 
61653 HTAFC's Avatar
 
Join Date: 18 Dec 2012
Location: Batley
Posts: 5,859
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by zuriblue View Post
Donald Trump has announced that now he’s President he’s going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
.
He wants to make America grate again.



What’s the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?

An orange has a thick skin.



My friend said to me, “I hear the FBI have foiled a terrorist plot to kill Donald Trump.”

“What, a suicide bomber? ” I asked.

“No, a surface to hair missile.”


How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We’re changing it, ok? And I understand what you’re saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say “Is the light bulb really dead?”. That’s what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.
Change it "bigly" presumably?
__________________
"We have no reason to dream, we have every reason to work."
- David Wagner.
61653 HTAFC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th February 2017, 18:47   #546
mirodo
Member
 
Join Date: 7 Nov 2011
Posts: 386
Default

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign on the bar:
Cheese Sandwiches £3
Ham Sandwiches £4
"Manual Relief" £5

He beckons over the barmaid, a shapely blonde, and asks her "Are you the one who provides the "manual relief?"
"Why, yes I am", she replies with a cheeky smile.
"Fine. Go and wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich".
mirodo is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 13:47   #547
Cowley
I'm only here to relax
Established Member
 
Cowley's Avatar
 
Join Date: 15 Apr 2016
Location: Devon
Posts: 2,439
Default

Some stranger just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me!!
Luckily my injuries are just super fish oil.
Cowley is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 14:16   #548
ainsworth74
Moderator
 
Join Date: 16 Nov 2009
Location: Redcar
Posts: 16,519
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlterEgo View Post
A huge bomb has gone off in Middlesbrough town centre destroying the whole central business district. Damage is estimated to be well in excess of £10.
You see this is clever because the actual joke is the suggestion that Middlesbrough even has a central business district!
ainsworth74 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th February 2017, 15:49   #549
EbbwJunction1
Member
 
Join Date: 25 Mar 2010
Posts: 606
Default

I went to my dentist this morning.

Noticing that she wasn't very happy, I asked her why she was so down in the mouth.
__________________
Charlie Croker: It's a very difficult job and the only way to get through it is we all work together as a team. And that means you do everything I say.
EbbwJunction1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th February 2017, 16:56   #550
jcollins
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: 23 Jan 2009
Posts: 23,611
Default

After losing his seat in the last election Ed Balls founded a financial management company with his friends Richard Smith and Peter Alcock. The business is called Dick, Ed Balls & Alcock.
__________________
This signature has been cancelled due to a keyboard fault.
jcollins is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th February 2017, 21:59   #551
341o2
Member
 
341o2's Avatar
 
Join Date: 17 Oct 2011
Posts: 662
Default

Actual headlines.

Prostitutes appeal to the Pope

Juvenile court to try shooting defendants

Two Russian ships collide. One dies


Lady goes into chemists and asks "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes, we do"
"Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can if I take two"
341o2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th February 2017, 22:47   #552
deltic1989
Napier Power!!!
Established Member
 
deltic1989's Avatar
 
Join Date: 21 Sep 2010
Location: Nottingham
Posts: 1,451
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by 341o2 View Post
Actual headlines.

Prostitutes appeal to the Pope

Juvenile court to try shooting defendants

Two Russian ships collide. One dies
Building on this, more real headlines:

"Federal Agents raid gun shop........Find weapons."

"Midget sues Grocer....Cites belittleing remarks."

"City unsure why sewers smell."

"County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds."

"China may be using the sea to hide it's submarines."

Exerpt from a report about an air crash at an undisclosed location in the United States:
"So far NTSB Invetigators are working on the theory that the rash occured when the airplane hit the ground."
__________________
My posts are my opinion alone. They don't represent the opinions of my employer, my wife and kids or my neighbor's cat.
deltic1989 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th February 2017, 23:20   #553
backontrack
Openly left-wing
Established Member
 
backontrack's Avatar
 
Join Date: 2 Feb 2014
Location: The UK
Posts: 4,364
Default

I saw a cannibal devour a prioress in the Trent Valley.

Nuneaton.
backontrack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th February 2017, 18:03   #554
341o2
Member
 
341o2's Avatar
 
Join Date: 17 Oct 2011
Posts: 662
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by backontrack View Post
I saw a cannibal devour a prioress in the Trent Valley.

Nuneaton.
Then there was a cannibal who stewed some missionaries and complained that they tasted awful

He was asked what denomination the missionaries were

"Franciscans"

"Well, you should never stew Fraciscans - they're Friars"

----------

Then there was the cannibal who got married and toasted his mother in law at the reception

And this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBtsi3CkfBE

Last edited by 341o2; 18th February 2017 at 18:43.
341o2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th February 2017, 11:44   #555
jcollins
Veteran Member
 
Join Date: 23 Jan 2009
Posts: 23,611
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by 341o2 View Post
Actual headlines.

Prostitutes appeal to the Pope

Juvenile court to try shooting defendants

Two Russian ships collide. One dies
Add to the list

Cork man drowns.
__________________
This signature has been cancelled due to a keyboard fault.
jcollins is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump



All times are GMT +1. The time now is 13:31.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8
© RailUK Forums 2005 - 2017