Joke Thread

33011 · 16th July 2009, 07:31

Sorry if there is one already but have you got a good (or even bad) joke you would like to share with us and give us a laugh? Here is one to start.

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and St Peter asks Have you done anything of merrit that will allow you into Heaven? The man replies I saw a gang of bikers picking on a young woman and i shouted at them to stop but they would not listen so i went up to the biggest biker with the most tattoos and punched him in the face kicked over his bike and pulled the ring out of his nose and threw it on the ground.I then told the other bikers that if they didn't stop picking on the young woman they would get the same treatment.St Peter was most impressed and asked when did this take place? The man replied about two minutes ago

Aussie_Rail · 16th July 2009, 14:02

A girl walks on to the platform on her way to a football match, the platform is somewhat crowded, she sees a man also standing on the platform holding a foam cup, except what caught her eye was that he was dressed very shabby, torn and dirty coat and really worn shoes. Feeling sorry for him she walks up and puts a couple of dollars in his cup. Then to her shock the man gets angry and starts shouting abuse at her telling her how stupid she is. She dropped money into his coffee.

heart-of-wessex · 16th July 2009, 14:11

I am only a fan of GWR

I don't Like LMS...the problem is they just don't have any manors

asylumxl · 16th July 2009, 16:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by heart-of-wessex

I am only a fan of GWR

I don't Like LMS...the problem is they just don't have any manors

That was bad

generalvegitable · 16th July 2009, 17:23

so there was an Englishman, a Scotsman and a Frenchman, and they all got along.

37401 · 16th July 2009, 17:59

Ive got a good joke

Jobsworth rail staff

asylumxl · 16th July 2009, 19:14

A boy goes for his first day at Catholic School. His teacher tells the class to draw a scene from the Bible. As she goes around the class, she sees various drawings of various Biblical stories

Then she stops as she sees one boys drawing.The boy has drawn a photo of a man in a tuxedo driving a car with two nearly-naked people, a man and a woman, in the back seat.

"Well it's very nice but what is it supposed to be?" she asks.

"Doesn't the bible say God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?".

37401 · 16th July 2009, 19:42

lol hahahahahahaha asylumxl

O L Leigh · 17th July 2009, 00:56

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, but don't ask how they got in there.

O L Leigh

Aussie_Rail · 17th July 2009, 01:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by O L Leigh

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, but don't ask how they got in there.

O L Leigh

Brilliant!!

klambert · 17th July 2009, 19:29

Most jokes I know are too dirty to put on this forum, but this is my least dirtiest one.
How many Chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
None because there too thick to do it

I know its rubbish

Geezertronic · 17th July 2009, 21:38

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I am God's gift or anything but I love telling my male friends I make love to the wife for 8 hours in one night. What I didn't say to them was that this included 4 hours of begging, then dinner followed by a 3 hour movie.

Yeah, but seriously - do you know that look women get when they want sex? Nah me neither. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

But I have to be honest, I am actually a terrible lover. I've actually given the wife an anti-climax. Plus she always laughs during sex - doesn't matter what she's reading at the time.

It's quite funny really. Me and the wife were happy for eighteen years, then we met. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.

But it is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

I dunno. Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

Mind you, a woman phoned me up the other day and said "Come on over to my house, there's nobody home". I went over. Nobody was home.

I don't care anyway because I have the body of an 18 year old - I keep it chilled in the fridge!

The missus had a right go at me the other day. We were out shopping and she wanted to get something for her mothers birthday. The missus said she would like something electric, but got annoyed when I suggested a chair!

And she kept going on and on about stuff and I was getting fed up of all her nagging so I told her I would trade her in and I placed an advertisment in the classifieds of the local paper: "New Wife wanted." The next day, I got a hundred letters all saying the same thing: "You can have mine."

Actually, losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it is impossible. I mean, it's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. I mean she can't even cook properly - her specialty is indigestion.

Seems men in general have problems with women though. I was talking to a mate the other day. He told me that he had tried to rent a porno movie from the local video shop in the hope that he could get his missus in the mood to try different things but it had failed miserably as the video he got was full of static. Apparently the video he had hired was called "Head Cleaner".

But when you think things can't get any worse, they do. I was walking down the road the other day when I saw a house on fire. I decided to try and be a hero and I actually managed to pull 6 people out of the fire when a Policeman came up to me, put handcuffs on me, and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. Wasn't my fault I had rescued 6 firemen?!?! It was smokey in there!

Mintona · 17th July 2009, 21:42

Nice tale, guessing you aren't referring to yourself there

Geezertronic · 17th July 2009, 21:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mintona

Nice tale, guessing you aren't referring to yourself there

"I get no respect!"

Death · 18th July 2009, 03:39

Q: What do ye call a chav in a box?
A: Innit!
.
Q: What do ye call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A: Sorted!
.
Q: What do ye call a chav in a strongbox?
A: Safe!

...And now for two of my personal favourites...
.
Q: What do ye call a chav in a trash compactor?
A: Mashed!
.
Q: What do ye call a chav in a blender?...
A: Blood!

16th July 2009, 07:31	#1
33011 Member Join Date: 8 Sep 2008 Posts: 230	Joke Thread Sorry if there is one already but have you got a good (or even bad) joke you would like to share with us and give us a laugh? Here is one to start. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and St Peter asks Have you done anything of merrit that will allow you into Heaven? The man replies I saw a gang of bikers picking on a young woman and i shouted at them to stop but they would not listen so i went up to the biggest biker with the most tattoos and punched him in the face kicked over his bike and pulled the ring out of his nose and threw it on the ground.I then told the other bikers that if they didn't stop picking on the young woman they would get the same treatment.St Peter was most impressed and asked when did this take place? The man replied about two minutes ago

16th July 2009, 14:02	#2
Aussie_Rail Member Join Date: 1 Jun 2008 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 518	A girl walks on to the platform on her way to a football match, the platform is somewhat crowded, she sees a man also standing on the platform holding a foam cup, except what caught her eye was that he was dressed very shabby, torn and dirty coat and really worn shoes. Feeling sorry for him she walks up and puts a couple of dollars in his cup. Then to her shock the man gets angry and starts shouting abuse at her telling her how stupid she is. She dropped money into his coffee. __________________ "Stopping all stations to Flinders Street Via the City Loop. Remember to validate your Metcard before you travel"

16th July 2009, 14:11	#3
heart-of-wessex 319 ned! Established Member Join Date: 11 Jun 2005 Location: Trowbridge Posts: 1,703	I am only a fan of GWR I don't Like LMS...the problem is they just don't have any manors __________________

16th July 2009, 17:59	#6
37401 Mr Bean Flailing.... Established Member Join Date: 12 Nov 2008 Location: Birmingham Posts: 3,281	Ive got a good joke Jobsworth rail staff __________________ Ian Morris Compass Tours Steward \| C50A Shareholder \| D400 Fund Member \| Videos \| Photos

16th July 2009, 19:14	#7
asylumxl I has this many monies.. Established Member Join Date: 12 Feb 2009 Location: Hiding in your shadow Posts: 2,469	A boy goes for his first day at Catholic School. His teacher tells the class to draw a scene from the Bible. As she goes around the class, she sees various drawings of various Biblical stories Then she stops as she sees one boys drawing.The boy has drawn a photo of a man in a tuxedo driving a car with two nearly-naked people, a man and a woman, in the back seat. "Well it's very nice but what is it supposed to be?" she asks. "Doesn't the bible say God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?". __________________ This is not the signature you are looking for...

16th July 2009, 17:23	#5
generalvegitable Member Join Date: 5 Feb 2009 Location: Milton Keynes Posts: 954	so there was an Englishman, a Scotsman and a Frenchman, and they all got along.

16th July 2009, 19:42	#8
37401 Mr Bean Flailing.... Established Member Join Date: 12 Nov 2008 Location: Birmingham Posts: 3,281	lol hahahahahahaha asylumxl __________________ Ian Morris Compass Tours Steward \| C50A Shareholder \| D400 Fund Member \| Videos \| Photos

17th July 2009, 00:56	#9
O L Leigh In the cab with the paper Established Member Join Date: 20 Jan 2006 Posts: 3,234	Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, but don't ask how they got in there. O L Leigh __________________

17th July 2009, 19:29	#11
klambert The Bird = the Word Established Member Join Date: 11 Sep 2008 Location: Last Train to Scouseville Posts: 1,135	Most jokes I know are too dirty to put on this forum, but this is my least dirtiest one. How many Chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? None because there too thick to do it I know its rubbish __________________ Berkshiretrainz: UK Routes and Reskins for Trainz

17th July 2009, 21:38	#12
Geezertronic Established Member Join Date: 14 Apr 2009 Location: Birmingham Posts: 2,550	Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I am God's gift or anything but I love telling my male friends I make love to the wife for 8 hours in one night. What I didn't say to them was that this included 4 hours of begging, then dinner followed by a 3 hour movie. Yeah, but seriously - do you know that look women get when they want sex? Nah me neither. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. But I have to be honest, I am actually a terrible lover. I've actually given the wife an anti-climax. Plus she always laughs during sex - doesn't matter what she's reading at the time. It's quite funny really. Me and the wife were happy for eighteen years, then we met. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late. But it is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones! There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. I dunno. Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing. Mind you, a woman phoned me up the other day and said "Come on over to my house, there's nobody home". I went over. Nobody was home. I don't care anyway because I have the body of an 18 year old - I keep it chilled in the fridge! The missus had a right go at me the other day. We were out shopping and she wanted to get something for her mothers birthday. The missus said she would like something electric, but got annoyed when I suggested a chair! And she kept going on and on about stuff and I was getting fed up of all her nagging so I told her I would trade her in and I placed an advertisment in the classifieds of the local paper: "New Wife wanted." The next day, I got a hundred letters all saying the same thing: "You can have mine." Actually, losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it is impossible. I mean, it's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. I mean she can't even cook properly - her specialty is indigestion. Seems men in general have problems with women though. I was talking to a mate the other day. He told me that he had tried to rent a porno movie from the local video shop in the hope that he could get his missus in the mood to try different things but it had failed miserably as the video he got was full of static. Apparently the video he had hired was called "Head Cleaner". But when you think things can't get any worse, they do. I was walking down the road the other day when I saw a house on fire. I decided to try and be a hero and I actually managed to pull 6 people out of the fire when a Policeman came up to me, put handcuffs on me, and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. Wasn't my fault I had rescued 6 firemen?!?! It was smokey in there!

17th July 2009, 21:42	#13
Mintona Train Driver Established Member Join Date: 8 Jan 2006 Location: Gillingham, Kent Posts: 2,292	Nice tale, guessing you aren't referring to yourself there

18th July 2009, 03:39	#15
Death Railway Warrior #370... Established Member Join Date: 22 Oct 2006 Location: Sat at the control desk of 370666... Posts: 1,618	Q: What do ye call a chav in a box? A: Innit! . Q: What do ye call a chav in a filing cabinet? A: Sorted! . Q: What do ye call a chav in a strongbox? A: Safe! ...And now for two of my personal favourites... . Q: What do ye call a chav in a trash compactor? A: Mashed! . Q: What do ye call a chav in a blender?... A: *Blood!* __________________ APT enthusiasts unite! \| Historical and resto froth \| Death's catacomb o' random crap \| Find me elsewhere Offline user: I have no home Internet connection - Only friends and public PCs - Therefore my posts and responses may be few and far between.