Forum Jokes

[zuriblue]

Richard Nixon:"No way will you have a more scandal ridden Presidency than I did"

Donald Trump:"Hold my beer."

Richard Nixon:"Wait! This isn't beer!"
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
The head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

The brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

The brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

The brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"A Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"

"Well, since no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he replied.

 

[pemma]

After Unilever placed a job advert for a 'Polish Production Operative' in Liverpool they received 2.2 million responses. 25 of which were from people who wanted to work producing furniture polish and the rest were Daily Mail readers wanting to complain about Polish people taking our jobs.

 

[backontrack]

Barack Obama's got a new job selling nuts in a supermarket.

He's using the slogan "Yes Pecan."

 

[341o2]

Chap goes to a fancy dress ball.

What have you come dressed as? - a snail

Why do you have a girl on your back? That's Michelle

 

[zuriblue]

Police are reporting that there was a robbery at my local Odeon with over £1000 of goods stolen.

The cinema management say they are missing a large bucket of popcorn, a medium coke and a Cornetto.

 

[backontrack]

Police are reporting that there was a robbery at my local Odeon with over £1000 of goods stolen.

The cinema management say they are missing a large bucket of popcorn, a medium coke and a Cornetto.

An investigation is beginning after a large group of police sniffer dogs ran amok at a local branch of Iceland, emptying the meat freezer.

Police say that they have no leads.

 

[341o2]

A mobile police unit has had their Elsan stolen. A spokesman commented "we have nothing to go on"

 

[backontrack]

Subsidence has caused a massive sinkhole to emerge at Milton Keynes Police Station.

A spokesman said that police were "looking into it".

 

[Peter Mugridge]

Southern's attempt to form a football team failed. They could not find any goalkeepers, defenders or forwards but they did have a surplus of strikers.

 

[scott118]

I dropped a bottle of Shampoo in my supermarket car park, then a Japanese car ran over my foot..!

Head and shoulders, Nissan toes

 

[Jackson99]

Points failure at Stratford earlier this week... West Ham conceded 4 at home to Man City.

 

[PHILIPE]

Donald Trump has chosen Mickey Pence as Vice President.

Even Walt Disney couldn't ever imagine that Donald and Mickey would be running the USA.

 

[backontrack]

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean.

Of course, we always knew them as Gran and Grandpapapapapapapapa...

 

[jbqfc]

Donald Trump steps out of the White House in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and reads the security guys the riot act, while they stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

Later that evening, the chief security officer approaches Trump and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice-president! Damn. ...well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting

 

[PaxVobiscum]

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean.

Of course, we always knew them as Gran and Grandpapapapapapapapa...

Ahem...

 

[IanD]

Ahem...

Never realised you were Bacontrack's father.

 

[PaxVobiscum]

My wild youth catching up with me again

 

[backontrack]

Never realised you were Bacontrack's father.

He might be, but he's no father of backontrack

 

[PaxVobiscum]

He might be, but he's no father of backontrack

So he was telling porkies?

 

[341o2]

Subsidence has caused a massive sinkhole to emerge at Milton Keynes Police Station.

A spokesman said that police were "looking into it".

Meanwhile as traffic congestion in the area builds up, police have managed to keep traffic moving slowly.

Soon, they hope to stop it completely

 

[AlterEgo]

A huge bomb has gone off in Middlesbrough town centre destroying the whole central business district. Damage is estimated to be well in excess of £10.

 

[341o2]

A huge bomb has gone off in Middlesbrough town centre destroying the whole central business district. Damage is estimated to be well in excess of £10.

There are members of this forum who are sensitive re the North/South divide.

 

[61653 HTAFC]

There are members of this forum who are sensitive re the North/South divide.

Any smoggies will just be thrilled that he didn't spell it as "Middlesborough!

 

[Phil.]

Can't remember if I - or anyone else - ever posted the one about two blokes in the U.S. backwoods out hiking when they saw a large black bear ambling to-wards them.
One guy crouches down and starts removing his boots.
"You'll never outrun a bear" says the other.
"I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you" was the reply.

 

[miami]

There are members of this forum who are sensitive re the North/South divide.

£10 too much? Might make people think it's a southern town?

 

[341o2]

£10 too much? Might make people think it's a southern town?

I was trying to point out that the joke was a bit tactless

 

[AlterEgo]

I was trying to point out that the joke was a bit tactless

People don't come into this thread for tact.

 

[341o2]

Oh just get on with it

as the actress said to the bishop...

 

[DaveHarries]

Q: Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety medication?
A: To prevent Hispanic attacks.

Dave

 

[PHILIPE]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat
anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.