Forum Jokes

[pemma]

"This is your captain speaking. Welcome abroad this Ryanair flight to Barcelona. My name is Michael O'Leary, yes I am the owner of this airline as well but today I'm flying this plane as it's easy enough to do and I couldn't bully any of the real pilots in to taking this flight."

 

[AndrewE]

Every time I was late for work something amazing happened at 9am but I don't know what it was but my boss would always say "Where were you at 9am?".

30 years ago I worked at a place where an earlier manager had (unworthily) leapfrogged his colleagues and one of them showed his resentment by sauntering in whenever it suited him... One morning the despised manager was waiting in front of the lift as the door opened and Pat strolled out... "You should have been here at half past eight!" to which Pat replied "Why, what happened?"

 

[Cowley]

I try to meet up with my wife at 12:59, because I like that one to one time.

 

[pemma]

While on holiday Mick Cash was kidnapped by a criminal gang who demand £10,000 in ransom. Virgin Group agreed to pay the ransom so the kidnappers told Cash "We're letting you go. Virgin Group are giving us £10,000." To which Cash replied "Greedy corporate scum, they can afford to pay you £100,000."

 

[pemma]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. Whilst he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in
the Holy Land for just $100".

The diplomats have a discussion for a few minutes and then tell the undertaker that they want Donald Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $100?".

The Americans reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk".

If only that had happened when he visited Jerusalem! Instead he remained very much alive and started a war.

 

[pemma]

Three women were on death row - a blonde, a brunette and a ginger.

The guard calls the brunette forward and shouts to the executioner with the gun "Ready, take aim" when the brunette shouts out "HURRICANE!" The guard and executioner look out of the window, see there's no hurricane but then notice the brunette has escaped.

The guard calls the ginger forward and shouts to the executioner with the gun "Ready, take aim" when the brunette shouts out "AVALANCHE!" The guard and executioner look out of the window, see there's no avalanche but then notice the ginger has escaped.

The guard calls the blonde forward and shouts to the executioner with the gun "Ready, take aim" when the blonde shouts out "FIRE!"

 

[Cowley]

I’ve ended up buying my other half a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

 

[341o2]

Wanting to post something seasonal....

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....
5. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
6. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
7. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
8. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....

 

[Strat-tastic]

Alternative Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:

All bells bells jingle jingle jingle the way...

(They must be in alphabetical order, just like it's not OCD but CDO).

 

[341o2]

And to ensure a risk free festive season, please note the following

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EU legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded . Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found in a manger without any crib for a bed wrapped in swaddling clothes, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.
Thank you.
Risk Management Team...

 

[zuriblue]

I got taken out trainspotting when I was younger. I found it very easy, given their size they’re pretty hard to miss.

 

[pemma]

When I returned from lunch I found a Polish lady, who I'd never seen before, sitting at my desk doing my work. I asked her what was going on, she told me she'd just moved to Britain and learnt from reading a copy of the Daily Mail that it was commonplace for Eastern Europeans to steal the jobs of British workers.

 

[zuriblue]

Honestly these people who rock up, banging on your door, telling you that you need to be “saved” or you will “burn”.

Flaming Firemen, who do they think they are?

 

[MotCO]

And to ensure a risk free festive season, please note the following

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EU legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded . Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found in a manger without any crib for a bed wrapped in swaddling clothes, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.
Thank you.
Risk Management Team...

I think you missed the bit about all outdoor sleigh drivers must wear a high-visibility jacket at all times.

 

[341o2]

Honestly these people who rock up, banging on your door, telling you that you need to be “saved” or you will “burn”.

Flaming Firemen, who do they think they are?

That reminds me of a sketch in Radioactive, which opens with door banging, followed by a rendering of "Hark the herald angels sing"
Carol singers - how you deal with these bright lovable pains in the ****?
Voice from within "Go away, there's nobody in"
Not very convincing is it? You need a carol singer alarm. Press it, and they'll hear this...Sound of ferocious dog followed by shouts of alarm
Carol singer alarms also come with lion (roar) snake (glop) and Rabbi ("Boy did you choose the wrong house - in appropriate accent)

 

[Welshman]

Talking of carol-singers:-
The local church choir went out carol-singing.
At one door, a man opened it with tears in his eyes.
"Ah, I see Christmas is a difficult time for you" said the Vicar.
"Not really" replied the man. "Its just that I'm a professional musician and I love music so much"

 

[341o2]

if the Nativity had occurred today.....

 

[Cowley]

Oh man that’s bleak.

 

[Drogba11CFC]

I'm not sure why that woman is stunned that she couldn't take 300 tramadol tablets through customs in Egypt. I can't even get three boxes of paracetamol through the till at ASDA!

 

[Howardh]

if the Nativity had occurred today.....View attachment 40885

Which one's Jeremy Clarkson?

 

[12CSVT]

if the Nativity had occurred today.....View attachment 40885

Nah, here's the modern mativity scene

 

[341o2]

Have the Mr Bean Christmas DVD and like the Dalek and T-Rex. Watching this clip raised a smile

 

[Adlington]

Continuing the festive season...
New Year's resolution (needs audio on)

 

[341o2]

was at an address today which had a power cut, reminded me of the one about the Chinese conjuror where likewise, he was in the middle of his act and out went the lights. So he asked everyone in the audience to raise their arms and the lights came back on. When asked how he achieved this, he replied "Old English saying, many hands make light work"

 

[61653 HTAFC]

I've bought a new TV to watch the rest of this season's FA Cup on...



It came without any leeds!

 

[roversfan2001]

I've bought a new TV to watch the rest of this season's FA Cup on...



It came without any leeds!

What's the difference between Leeds United and a teabag?

A teabag stays in a cup longer.

 

[GW43125]

The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself...

 

[341o2]

What's the difference between Leeds United and a teabag?

A teabag stays in a cup longer.

Other football related jokes after disastrous performance from England

Q - Why do none of the England team own a dog?
A - They can't hold onto a lead

And after accusations of inappropriate behaviour at a local nightclub, the manager defended his team on the basis that it is well known that none of his players are capable of making a pass to or at anyone

 

[GW43125]

The buttons on my jumper wouldn't undo so I tried getting it off over my head but it got stuck badly.

I'm now in A&E waiting to see a Cardyologist.

 

[pemma]

A stand up comedian told me Ed Sheeran is to marry an attractive young lady. I thought it he was a telling a joke - turns out he wasn't.