trainmania100
Established Member
Today's Brighton v Chelsea was a joke
A stand up comedian told me Ed Sheeran is to marry an attractive young lady. I thought it he was a telling a joke - turns out he wasn't.
You do know this is the joke thread - meant for amusing tales and anecdotes?
Northern Rock to Take Over East Coast Mainline
In a surprise move the Department for Transport has announced that the derailed East Coast mainline rail franchise will be taken over by a new consortium to be known as Northern Rock.
A spokesman explained that the title was carefully chosen for a number of reasons. ‘Firstly of course, although it’s the East Coast Line it does travel to the North. Secondly we felt we needed a title with universal appeal. We are always interested in attracting more young people onto the trains and Rock has a certain cool and groovy sound about it which should appeal to youngsters whose discriminatory powers haven’t developed to the point where they will be able to appreciate what they are getting into when they purchase a ticket’.
‘For the older generation, Northern Rock will summon up images of crowds of people queuing around the block to access a service which is on the verge of collapse. Just the sort of thing you would expect with a twenty first century British railway.’
‘Inevitably banks will be heavily involved in the setting up and running of this consortium and some of the bargain ticket offers will echo the practices of the original Northern Rock. For instance as an opening gambit they’ll be offering 125% loans to those wishing to purchase a ticket.’
A questioner pointed out that only the left hand side of the tracks went to the North while the right hand side travelled South and this should have been considered in the title.
Said the spokesman: ‘We had considered the title Southern Comfort for the southbound service but felt that this would unnecessarily complicate matters and raise unrealistic expectations about the availability of seating on the trains’.
Heard this on The Goon Show the other day:
Seagoon - But I can’t reach that!
Moriarty - Then buy my new book “How to be three inches taller”. And stand on it...
I think I heard that one recentlyOne of my favourites is
Seagoon "HA HA HA....laugh and the world laughs with you,they say"
Grytpipe "You've proved them wrong, haven't you, Neddie"
A biology teacher is discussing yesterday's homework with his class, and asked Susan, "Which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times its normal size when stimulated"?
Susan blushed, fidgeting at her desk, and replied, "Sorry teacher, I'd rather not answer that".
Turning to the rest of the class, the teacher asked again, and John replied, "The pupil of the eye".
After confirming that was the correct answer, the teacher turns back to Susan to make three points;
You appear not to have done your homework.
You have a dirty mind.
You will be sadly disappointed in your future life!
- 'Tis true, the man whom ye seek, Sir Angus of the Prune, you will find tied up under a tree disgiused as Robin Hood
- I'm not going to bother to ask why a tree has been disguised as Robin Hood