Forum Jokes

[trainmania100]

Today's Brighton v Chelsea was a joke

 

[Adlington]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

 

[IanD]

A stand up comedian told me Ed Sheeran is to marry an attractive young lady. I thought it he was a telling a joke - turns out he wasn't.

You do know this is the joke thread - meant for amusing tales and anecdotes?

 

[pemma]

You do know this is the joke thread - meant for amusing tales and anecdotes?

Do you remember we had a thread about favourite and least favourite comedians and with people such as Ricky Gervais some people find them hilarious and other people say they aren't funny at all?

 

[341o2]

Chap has an obsession with taking his picture next to a boiling kettle
Been diagnosed with selfie steam issues

 

[Geezertronic]

When I was younger, my Mum flushed our ded pet down the toilet. It was an ordeal saying goodbye to that Labrador...

 

[341o2]

I recently had to attend A&E and the patient on my left said " Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"
So I turned to my right to be greeted with "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!"
Please, Nurse, is this the psychiatric ward?
No, the Burns unit

 

[GW43125]

A plane was heading quickly towards the ground, sure to crash. As it hit the ground, it miraculously bounced back up. When the captain was asked how this was possible, he responded with “it’s a Boeing. It did exactly as the name suggests”

 

[EM2]

A chap was in the pub enjoying a pint, and went to the vending machine to buy some cigarettes.
As he put his coins in, the cigarette machine said:
'Look at the state of you. That shirt is hideous, your haircut is terrible, and those shoes make you look like a clown.'
Stunned, the man presses the reject button and gets his money back.
He goes back to the bar, mulling over what happened, and takes a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the bar.
The bowl pipes up:
'Hey! Lookin' good! Is that a new shirt? And I really like that aftershave!'
He attracts the attention of the barman and says:
'Something odd is going on. I went to the cigarette machine and it was really rude to me, and then I had some peanuts and they made some rather flattering comments.'
The barman replies:
'Ah yes. The peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order.'

 

[EM2]

Qu'est-ce que Darth Vader a acheté à la boulangerie?
v
v
v
v
v
Pain, pain, pain, tarte tatin, tarte tatin!

 

[cjp]

I am getting divorced (again).
I don't understand women's logic - am I alone in this?
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas last year “Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely” she replied.
So tell me doesn't a Kinder egg exactly fit the description.
I thought so.

 

[zuriblue]

A horse is in the pub having a few jars when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter. The donkey asks "what did you do for a living" the horse replies " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter"

Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach" , then he asks "Did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.

They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, the donkey thinks, "I need to impress this **** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", the donkey replies " Thats me when I played for Juventus !

 

[Adlington]

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

 

[341o2]

the au pair asks for a pay rise
Why?
I have three reasons
Go on
Well, I clean the house much better than you do
Who says that?
Your husband
Next?
I cook much better than you do
Who says that?
Your husband
and the third?
I'm much better in bed than you
I suppose my husband told you that
No, the gardener did
.....
So let's discuss your pay rise

 

[341o2]

The lady of the house calls for the butler and instructs him
Please take off my shoes
Now my hat
Now my coat
Now my stockings
Now my blouse
Now my skirt
Now my bra
Now my panties
And finally....
Don't you ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!

 

[Adlington]

NewsBiscuit

Northern Rock to Take Over East Coast Mainline
In a surprise move the Department for Transport has announced that the derailed East Coast mainline rail franchise will be taken over by a new consortium to be known as Northern Rock.

A spokesman explained that the title was carefully chosen for a number of reasons. ‘Firstly of course, although it’s the East Coast Line it does travel to the North. Secondly we felt we needed a title with universal appeal. We are always interested in attracting more young people onto the trains and Rock has a certain cool and groovy sound about it which should appeal to youngsters whose discriminatory powers haven’t developed to the point where they will be able to appreciate what they are getting into when they purchase a ticket’.

‘For the older generation, Northern Rock will summon up images of crowds of people queuing around the block to access a service which is on the verge of collapse. Just the sort of thing you would expect with a twenty first century British railway.’

‘Inevitably banks will be heavily involved in the setting up and running of this consortium and some of the bargain ticket offers will echo the practices of the original Northern Rock. For instance as an opening gambit they’ll be offering 125% loans to those wishing to purchase a ticket.’

A questioner pointed out that only the left hand side of the tracks went to the North while the right hand side travelled South and this should have been considered in the title.

Said the spokesman: ‘We had considered the title Southern Comfort for the southbound service but felt that this would unnecessarily complicate matters and raise unrealistic expectations about the availability of seating on the trains’.

 

[cjp]

In a train from London to Manchester, a tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him . “The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me ... I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied “How very sporting of your mother!”

 

[341o2]

In view of the recent cold weather

My uncle grew prizewinning vegetables. One night, just before a competition it was suddenly cold, so he decided to sleep in the greenhouse.

and that is how he was found the following morning....frozen to the marrow

 

[Cowley]

Heard this on The Goon Show the other day:

Seagoon - But I can’t reach that!

Moriarty - Then buy my new book “How to be three inches taller”. And stand on it...

 

[pemma]

It seems Liam Fox has been replaced

 

[341o2]

Heard this on The Goon Show the other day:

Seagoon - But I can’t reach that!

Moriarty - Then buy my new book “How to be three inches taller”. And stand on it...

One of my favourites is

Seagoon "HA HA HA....laugh and the world laughs with you,they say"
Grytpipe "You've proved them wrong, haven't you, Neddie"

 

[Cowley]

One of my favourites is

Seagoon "HA HA HA....laugh and the world laughs with you,they say"
Grytpipe "You've proved them wrong, haven't you, Neddie"

I think I heard that one recently

 

[341o2]

How many pedants do you need to change a lightbulb

The correct definition is replace

 

[341o2]

and given the interest in the Goon show, one of my favourites from ISIRTA

- 'Tis true, the man whom ye seek, Sir Angus of the Prune, you will find tied up under a tree disgiused as Robin Hood
- I'm not going to bother to ask why a tree has been disguised as Robin Hood

 

[Polarbear]

A biology teacher is discussing yesterday's homework with his class, and asked Susan, "Which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times its normal size when stimulated"?

Susan blushed, fidgeting at her desk, and replied, "Sorry teacher, I'd rather not answer that".

Turning to the rest of the class, the teacher asked again, and John replied, "The pupil of the eye".

After confirming that was the correct answer, the teacher turns back to Susan to make three points;

You appear not to have done your homework.

You have a dirty mind.

You will be sadly disappointed in your future life!

 

[Confused147]

anyone else heard the new single called 'Lets get ready to stumble' By PJ and Drunken ?

 

[341o2]

A biology teacher is discussing yesterday's homework with his class, and asked Susan, "Which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times its normal size when stimulated"?

Susan blushed, fidgeting at her desk, and replied, "Sorry teacher, I'd rather not answer that".

Turning to the rest of the class, the teacher asked again, and John replied, "The pupil of the eye".

After confirming that was the correct answer, the teacher turns back to Susan to make three points;

You appear not to have done your homework.

You have a dirty mind.

You will be sadly disappointed in your future life!

Like it!
Class in progress when one boy begins to snigger, so teacher asks why
"Well, miss, I saw one of your bra straps"
"You are banned from this class for a week"

She wheels round, and another boy begins to snigger
"Well, miss, I saw both of your bra straps"
"You are banned from this class for a month"

This time, she spills all the pencils and colouring materials, so starts to pick them up.
Then, she is aware of another pupil leaving, and asked why
"Well, miss, after what I have just seen, my schooldays are over"

 

[Calthrop]

- 'Tis true, the man whom ye seek, Sir Angus of the Prune, you will find tied up under a tree disgiused as Robin Hood
- I'm not going to bother to ask why a tree has been disguised as Robin Hood

Along similar lines: "This morning, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. What he was doing in my pyjamas, I'll never know."

 

[Adlington]

Punography...

● I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
● Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
● I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
● How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
● I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
● This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
● I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
● I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
● They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
● A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
● PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
● Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
● Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
● Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
●I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
● How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
● Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
● When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
● What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
● I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
● Broken pencils are pointless.
● I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
● What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
● England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
● I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
● I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
● All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
● I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
● Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
● Velcro - what a rip off!
● Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
● Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
● Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
● I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 

[341o2]

What is Cole's Law?
Thinly sliced cabbage