Funny Guard Announcements.

Wyvern · 4 Apr 2012

tsr said:
All right, I was only welcoming you to Pedants' (or should that be "Pedant's"?) Corner!

I guess it depends whether the corner is for any pedants there may be, or whether it is one pedant's sole domain.

I think I may have jumped in too smartly with a bee in my bonnet. I have just taken Sky News to task, pointing out that, when there are worries about the literacy of school children, companies such as theirs should be setting an example.

It isnt just pedantry. It is important for young people's livelihoods. When there are far more applicants for jobs than there are vacancies, employers, rightly or wrongly, may use poor English as a filter and simply put CVs to one side.

RailUK Forums

philjo · 4 Apr 2012

Deerfold said:
Had a rather confused train on Thursday night.

As we approached Shipley it announced "The next stop is Shipley"

Then as we approached Saltaire it announced "The next stop is Shipley"

It announced Bingley, Crossflats and Keighley as Shipley.

Then just before Keighley it announced all the stations on the line including "Skipton. This train terminates here". Confused a couple of rather inebriated ladies who were wanting Keighley.

The Ilkley trains do that whilst in the platform at Guiseley - they say "the next station is Leeds. This train terminates here" before the doors have closed!

The northbound FCC 317 I was on last night didn't seem to know which way it was going, so it announced the stations in both directions!

e.g. it announced "we are now arriving at Hatfield" (correct), then announced it again just after we left. It did this for each station.
On approaching Stevenage it announced "This train is for London Kings Cross, calling at Knebworth, Welwyn North, Welwyn Garden city, Hatfield, Potters Bar Finsbury Park and London kings cross." After we left Stevenage it then admitted that "This train is for Cambridge calling at Hitchin, Letchworth Garden City, Baldock, ... etc and Cambridge"

tsr · 4 Apr 2012

For those who are not familiar with it, in normal circumstances, the 1749 London Victoria > Reigate & Three Bridges divides at Redhill. Thereafter, 4 coaches go to Reigate (last night, it was the rear portion), and the other 4 coaches proceed to Three Bridges. I was on this train last night, and noticed that the announcements and on-screen displays in the rear 4 coaches were perfectly accurate, but as soon as one walked through to the front half of the train, there was a noticeably wrong message on each screen saying "We are now approaching London Victoria [etc.]" and there were no audible announcements. This situation continued until Redhill. The guard and driver did not appear to have noticed this - the MiTrac computer which I believe was responsible can have such functions easily disabled.

This happens quite often. When a service divides en route, some passengers find it helpful to know their coach number and destination (as would normally be shown!).

MidnightFlyer · 5 Apr 2012

tsr said:
Sorry, yes, I meant that the KGX bit was misleading, as there's no direct way to get to King's Cross from East Croydon by rail. There are too many people who get confused about the differences between King's Cross, St Pancras and Kings Cross St Pancras stations anyway!

Or those who get confused when KGX's Thameslink station shuts and STP's opens in lieu

Ferret · 5 Apr 2012

Wyvern said:
I think I may have jumped in too smartly with a bee in my bonnet. I have just taken Sky News to task, pointing out that, when there are worries about the literacy of school children, companies such as theirs should be setting an example.

It isnt just pedantry. It is important for young people's livelihoods. When there are far more applicants for jobs than there are vacancies, employers, rightly or wrongly, may use poor English as a filter and simply put CVs to one side.

Rightly in my opinion. My Dad used to deal with application forms - first filter was people who missed the 'please use black ink' instruction. Anyone who couldn't spell was another filter. Then he'd see what he had left!

Zerothebrake! · 5 Apr 2012

A personal favourite from one of XC's west country based Train Managers..'' Ladies and gents,we are now on the approach to Totnes - change here for an alternative lifestyle!'' (..you have to go there on the days leading up to Glastonbury to fully appreciate this withering work of satire and wit!).

IanXC · 5 Apr 2012

Manual announcement on the approach to Leeds at 23.00:
"We are now approaching London Kings Cross, where this train terminates... Next stop, some place, where this train terminates"!

burns20 · 5 Apr 2012

Just had on The Cambrian "ATW apologises for the delay but the Cambrian unfortunately was chosen for the ERTMS Trial, blame the government!"

LexyBoy · 5 Apr 2012

On FGW at Reading one regularly gets an announcement that one should change for all sorts of places which are not on permitted routes, such as Gatwick (on Down trains) or Birmingham (on Up GWML trains). Also there's always an announcement for "Oxford and stations to the north" at Didcot, which I'm not sure whether it's supposed t be a last warning or advice that it's actually a sane place to change (one should change at Reading but it's not always amounced as such)

also as has been mentioned "Off Peak tickets are not valid on this service"

Deerfold · 5 Apr 2012

IanXC said:
Manual announcement on the approach to Leeds at 23.00:
"We are now approaching London Kings Cross, where this train terminates... Next stop, some place, where this train terminates"!

I was on that last night too.

Michael.Y · 5 Apr 2012

I completely lost my bearings... mind... whatever today. As I went through the train for the final time before cashing up:

"Last orders please ladies and gents... last orders before....wherever we're going...where is it?...Cardiff...that's it..."

class156 · 5 Apr 2012

Not neccessarily a guard announcement but a while ago I was on a 318 heading home where at Glasgow Central the PIS had announced "We are now approaching Paisley Gilmour Street, change here for........." This would seem normal but the driver hadn't even shut the doors to depart Central!

tsr · 5 Apr 2012

I heard an amusingly incorrect announcement today on the Bakerloo Line. We were approaching Piccadilly Circus (southbound) and it said: "The next stop will be Elephant & Castle. [Then a very long pause for some reason.] Change for the Northern Line."

At least the announcement system had its volume turned down, and was therefore almost inaudible.

wilsontown · 5 Apr 2012

The Ilkley trains do that whilst in the platform at Guiseley - they say "the next station is Leeds. This train terminates here" before the doors have closed!

I've noticed that with the 333s, they tell you "this train terminates here" while wating at the stop before the termination point. I imagine that could be confusing.

LE Greys · 6 Apr 2012

Ferret said:
Rightly in my opinion. My Dad used to deal with application forms - first filter was people who missed the 'please use black ink' instruction. Anyone who couldn't spell was another filter. Then he'd see what he had left!

What do you do if you have a house full of blue pens and no time (it's happened to me)?

Still, I do remember the story of a rather complicated set of instructions.

1 - Please read carefully through these questions
2-49 - A series of difficult questions
50 - You do not have to answer any of these questions

michael769 · 6 Apr 2012

LE Greys said:
Still, I do remember the story of a rather complicated set of instructions.

In 3rd year at uni a rather notorious lecturer gave us a work sheet for unix computer lab that went something like:

Please read through this entire worksheet before starting

1. Login
2. Type the following command "rm -rf *"
3. Go to IT support and explain to them that you are too foolish to read simple instructions and ask if they would mind recovering the entire contents of your home directory from backup
4. Next time read the instructions properly

(For the benefit of those not in the know "rm -rf *" deletes everything from the current directory on Unix or Linux machines (the users home space in this case) without any warnings or prompts - and in this case the home dir would have most of our 2nd year work in it)

Michael.Y · 6 Apr 2012

There are only two rules in this prison.

1) Do not write on the walls.
2) Obey all the rules.

IanXC · 7 Apr 2012

LE Greys said:
What do you do if you have a house full of blue pens and no time (it's happened to me)?

I think I'd go for a strategy of not leaving the form to the last minute

causton · 7 Apr 2012

IanXC said:
I think I'd go for a strategy of not leaving the form to the last minute

Use a black and white photocopier

table38 · 7 Apr 2012

michael769 said:
(For the benefit of those not in the know "rm -rf *" deletes everything from the current directory on Unix or Linux machines

Once I remember wanting to do "rm *.log" but fumbled the shift key and actually typed "rm *>log" :oops:

Jc1991 · 9 Apr 2012

Had a Gent on the Virgin service from Wolverhampton the other night who called 'the shop is now open and stocks a range of ... (usual announcement for Virgin shop) ... it is also traditional for the first customer to buy the guard a cup of coffee' all in the usual joking tone, but nice to know that not all announcements are bog standard ones!

DavidBusDriver · 9 Apr 2012

Not as bad as me this morning, arriving into London Bridge, "Good Evening ladies and Gentlemen.... Oh hold on, been on a night shift, this is the morning!" or some words to that effect, the joys of nights!

Zerothebrake! · 12 Apr 2012

''And finally,our thought for the day...if you take the d's out of Edward Woodward you'd get Ewar Woowar - which makes a lot more sense to me!?!''
Too funny..

Wyvern · 14 Apr 2012

Just a quick word. Earlier in this thread I was exercising the bee in my bonnet regarding
illiteracy.

I’ve just had to write to the Railways Pension Scheme to ask whether they really meant
“formally” or whether they should have written “formerly”. In a legal document it happens to
be quite important.

So it isnt just spelling I complain about, but over-reliance on spell checkers, and poorly
executed proof reading.

End of rant. Sorry. mea culpa

317666 · 14 Apr 2012

Was on a Pacer coming into Cardiff Central the other week, the guard had a colleague in the back cab. The guard started the usual announcement "We are now approaching Cardiff Centr-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!", because his colleague screamed down the tannoy. A few seconds later the guard finished his announcement whilst trying not to laugh, I think everyone on the train was smirking at least :lol:

david_VI · 14 Apr 2012

At Stratford the other day "This is Stratford change here for London underground and Docklands Light Railway for....(long pause).... The Docklands" Made me laugh.

NathanPrior · 15 Apr 2012

On the 9:30am from Euston to Carlisle yesterday the train manager goes "due to this train being the boozed up football train from Liverpool, some toilets are in no condintion for my passengers to use and you can tell why"

TomJ93 · 15 Apr 2012

Jc1991 said:
Had a Gent on the Virgin service from Wolverhampton the other night who called 'the shop is now open and stocks a range of ... (usual announcement for Virgin shop) ... it is also traditional for the first customer to buy the guard a cup of coffee' all in the usual joking tone, but nice to know that not all announcements are bog standard ones!

I was On that

20:47?

Jamie153 · 15 Apr 2012

On a Central service to Stansted a while back, "were now approaching Melton Mowbray, home of the pork pie", whole train was in bits.
Long time reader 1st time poster

tsr · 15 Apr 2012

Heard on Friday (on 166208 forming the 1528 RDG-GTW via RDH):

"...and lastly, for those who have joined us since Crowthorne, you may have noticed that the display shows that our next stop is Crowthorne - our next stop is not actually Crowthorne - these new displays aren't showing the right thing. Again."

Lots of raised eyebrows!

Funny Guard Announcements.

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