Being friends with work colleagues

AlterEgo · 22 Nov 2016

amateur said:
yes.

although i now worry that my not being friends with colleagues is jeopardising my chances of contract extensions.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

misunderstanding language?

It has already been clearly explained by many posters that you don't need to be friends with people you work with, but it is helpful to form relationships with them beyond asking them what shift they're on.

This isn't difficult for most people. If you're struggling to form relationships because you have Asperger syndrome then that's probably something for a more specialised forum.

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fowler9 · 22 Nov 2016

AlterEgo said:
It has already been clearly explained by many posters that you don't need to be friends with people you work with, but it is helpful to form relationships with them beyond asking them what shift they're on.

This isn't difficult for most people. If you're struggling to form relationships because you have Asperger syndrome then that's probably something for a more specialised forum.

Yeah, for example I now desperately need a shift swap on 17th & 18th of December. Thanks to being friends with people in work I am pretty confident I will get it. It is how life works.

AnonymousUser1 · 23 Nov 2016

amateur said:
misunderstanding language?

http://www.mugsy.org/spd.htm

"Most of the children diagnosed as having semantic pragmatic disorder do also have some mild autistic features. For example, they usually have difficulty understanding social situations and expectations, they like to stick fairly rigidly to routines, and they lack imaginative play."

my emboldenings

fowler9 · 23 Nov 2016

amateur said:
yes.

although i now worry that my not being friends with colleagues is jeopardising my chances of contract extensions.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

misunderstanding language?

I was just thinking, if you told your employer you had a diagnosis of Aspergers it may be better than going for a contract extension or promotion and just saying you don't want to be friends with your colleagues. You cannot be discriminated against for something you have been diagnosed with if you are still perfectly capable of doing the job. If you just come across as anti social it may, rightly or wrongly, go against you.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
If I can give an example. I worked with a guy who was on the complaints department for a while. He had few friends in work chiefly because he would just say exactly what was in his head. This carried over in to how he dealt with complaints, What he said was normaly right but he couldn't empathise with people when they were emotional or angry. He would tell them they were being stupid. He was right, but it just doesn't work all the time. Sometimes you have to be fake to get the job done. You have to get the correct outcome but you have to be able tell people you understand where they are coming from even when you think they are an idiot. These are the social norms of life.

pitdiver · 24 Nov 2016

fowler9 said:
Fair enough mate, where did you meet your other friends and why are they less likely to do you over? Do you think you will make no more friends?

Most of my friends are through my other interests or from my schooldays. They are less likely to "Do me over" as one day I might be in a position to save their life.
I think most people make new friends as they go through life not in my case through work.

fowler9 · 24 Nov 2016

pitdiver said:
Most of my friends are through my other interests or from my schooldays. They are less likely to "Do me over" as one day I might be in a position to save their life.
I think most people make new friends as they go through life not in my case through work.

Fair play mate.

amateur · 24 Nov 2016

DarloRich said:
honestly - you need to try and understand how to communicate with people. It is very important.

May I ask - do you have any friends?

Do I need to learn how to communicate, or do I need to develop more hobbies and interests so that I have something to communicate about with work colleagues!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

fowler9 said:
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
If I can give an example. I worked with a guy who was on the complaints department for a while. He had few friends in work chiefly because he would just say exactly what was in his head. This carried over in to how he dealt with complaints, What he said was normaly right but he couldn't empathise with people when they were emotional or angry. He would tell them they were being stupid. He was right, but it just doesn't work all the time. Sometimes you have to be fake to get the job done. You have to get the correct outcome but you have to be able tell people you understand where they are coming from even when you think they are an idiot. These are the social norms of life.

I get that now. But I did learn the hard way.

Did the person get sacked or disciplined.

My interpretation of " neuro typicals" is that they are liars and are fake and talk rubbish. "You have to say what they want to hear, and you have to make them feel in control". Managers, colleagues and customers.

I would talk literally and directly. In my previous job we were on zero hour contracts. When I had my performance review, I would have told the manager that the zero hour contract doesn't work, and that's demonstrated by the high staff turnover. And that the staff don't work enough hours to build product knowledge, develop a rapport with the regular customers etc etc etc.

Now I just keep zipped. Until someone tests my patience! And then I say it like it is ....

someone told me "you have to play the game". 10 years ago I wouldn't have grasped what they were chatting about!

Maybe I need to play the game further and also be friends with colleagues!

fowler9 · 26 Nov 2016

amateur said:
Do I need to learn how to communicate, or do I need to develop more hobbies and interests so that I have something to communicate about with work colleagues!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

I get that now. But I did learn the hard way.

Did the person get sacked or disciplined.

My interpretation of " neuro typicals" is that they are liars and are fake and talk rubbish. "You have to say what they want to hear, and you have to make them feel in control". Managers, colleagues and customers.

I would talk literally and directly. In my previous job we were on zero hour contracts. When I had my performance review, I would have told the manager that the zero hour contract doesn't work, and that's demonstrated by the high staff turnover. And that the staff don't work enough hours to build product knowledge, develop a rapport with the regular customers etc etc etc.

Now I just keep zipped. Until someone tests my patience! And then I say it like it is ....

someone told me "you have to play the game". 10 years ago I wouldn't have grasped what they were chatting about!

Maybe I need to play the game further and also be friends with colleagues!

The person didn't get sacked, they got moved to a lower paid role. Sad but true. They got moved out of the way.

amateur · 28 Nov 2016

I would appreciate it if darlorich or anyone else would answer my question on post 187.

I.e. Do I need to develop communication skills or do I need to develop hobbies and interests so I have something to talk about!

Or do I need to develop both if I want to "function" "normally" ...whatever that is!

AlterEgo · 28 Nov 2016

amateur said:
I would appreciate it if darlorich or anyone else would answer my question on post 187.

I.e. Do I need to develop communication skills or do I need to develop hobbies and interests so I have something to talk about!

Or do I need to develop both if I want to "function" "normally" ...whatever that is!

You don't need to have "socially acceptable" hobbies.

You need to simply take an interest in your colleagues' lives and interests outside work. Small talk is very easy and you don't need to master it. I am certainly no Parkinson or Wogan. Simple things like asking how X's weekend was or how Y's boy is getting along at school, or whether Z got caught up in the roadworks on the way in this morning, etc.

DarloRich · 28 Nov 2016

AlterEgo said:
You don't need to have "socially acceptable" hobbies.

You need to simply take an interest in your colleagues' lives and interests outside work. Small talk is very easy and you don't need to master it. I am certainly no Parkinson or Wogan. Simple things like asking how X's weekend was or how Y's boy is getting along at school, or whether Z got caught up in the roadworks on the way in this morning, etc.

exactly - your hobbies are your hobbies. You don't have to pretend you like something to fit in. Just asking them a few simple questions about their weekend will help you out no end. You don't have to be top mates but letting them know you are in the group will you every day.

I would also tell them if you have a diagnosed condition & explain how hard it is for you to interact. 99% of them will be great and supportive and try to help you. Sod the 1%. Who needs them.

AnonymousUser1 · 28 Nov 2016

AlterEgo said:
You don't need to have "socially acceptable" hobbies.

You need to simply take an interest in your colleagues' lives and interests outside work. Small talk is very easy and you don't need to master it. I am certainly no Parkinson or Wogan. Simple things like asking how X's weekend was or how Y's boy is getting along at school, or whether Z got caught up in the roadworks on the way in this morning, etc.

exactly ...

fowler9 · 29 Nov 2016

DarloRich said:
exactly - your hobbies are your hobbies. You don't have to pretend you like something to fit in. Just asking them a few simple questions about their weekend will help you out no end. You don't have to be top mates but letting them know you are in the group will you every day.

I would also tell them if you have a diagnosed condition & explain how hard it is for you to interact. 99% of them will be great and supportive and try to help you. Sod the 1%. Who needs them.

Yeah spot on. Just be yourself. I would say that telling people if you have a condition is a good thing, it can help them to understand where you are coming from. Working in housing more and more people I deal with will tell me that they have autistic kids for example and I will take that in to account when making a decision on how to deal with something.

Speaking for myself as you get older it does get easier to be honest with people. When I was 20 I wouldn't dream of telling people I like trains or planes etc. in case they thought I was boring. Now I just tell them and if they have a problem it is their loss. I am still me. I like football, I like travel, I like Death Metal, I like films, I like to read, I like trains, I like planes. There is a lot more to me than just one thing. Same with you Amateur.

newbie babs · 30 Nov 2016

We discuss all sorts, have a laugh do Secret Santa but without a doubt I would not trust a work colleague and do not go out with them outside of work.

Been there , done that and had the nasty side of the work colleagues venom.

atillathehunn · 1 Dec 2016

You're only limited by limits you set for yourself, and your understanding and enjoyment of time spent with others is also internal.

I have pretty much nothing in common with my cohort. We're from 100+ different countries, backgrounds, interests, languages, all thrown in together. I don't trust all of them, of course not, and not everyone will be your friend. I'm a rail enthusiast, aviation enthusiast, introvert, non-sporty type, so you'd think all the hall marks of being boring and regarded as boring. It doesn't have to be that way if you don't want it to be. Mostly, just shut your brain off for a bit, and let them tell you about them, connect over something small. Life gets a bit smoother.

route101 · 2 Dec 2016

I kind have similar situation at my work . Find it hard to keep a conversation going. I try and make the effort though . People are all different . Theres one guy who is a bit more difficult to deal with . Quite often i will ask questions and he will repeat what i say ,then answer it . Dunno if this is to make me feel bad at asking him questions are what .
Im not massively into football or have a games console .
Im always one to say hi though i do get blanked quite often .

amateur · 2 Dec 2016

I do find it really difficult to strike up a conversation. After I've discussed or bemoaned about a customer email, or clarifying working hours and the days' duties/tasks or what time I'm down for till cover or what time I'm down for lunch ...I don't have anything to talk about!

DarloRich · 2 Dec 2016

amateur said:
I do find it really difficult to strike up a conversation. After I've discussed or bemoaned about a customer email, or clarifying working hours and the days' duties/tasks or what time I'm down for till cover or what time I'm down for lunch ...I don't have anything to talk about!

don't talk about it then. talk about the weather it is a recognized (especially British) conversational tool to essentially say: "hello - do you want to chat about stuff"

fowler9 · 3 Dec 2016

atillathehunn said:
You're only limited by limits you set for yourself, and your understanding and enjoyment of time spent with others is also internal.

I have pretty much nothing in common with my cohort. We're from 100+ different countries, backgrounds, interests, languages, all thrown in together. I don't trust all of them, of course not, and not everyone will be your friend. I'm a rail enthusiast, aviation enthusiast, introvert, non-sporty type, so you'd think all the hall marks of being boring and regarded as boring. It doesn't have to be that way if you don't want it to be. Mostly, just shut your brain off for a bit, and let them tell you about them, connect over something small. Life gets a bit smoother.

You are spot on mate. I think the day goes by a bit easier if you can find some way to connect with the people you work with no matter how small (I accept some people find this difficult). In my previous job with the same company I worked with loads of people I had various stuff in common with for over 2 years. Now to avoid redundancy I have gone back to the call centre on to a team with a load of people I didn't know. My favourite 2 are 2 women from Toxteth in Liverpool and it is such a laugh working with them. I'm from Liverpool to but our experiences are so different. They've both been married and had kids who are grown up. I am a similar age and went a completely different way. We just get on, I can't explain how. Ha ha. I have got just about nothing in common with them other than city o birth, place of work and we get on.

amateur · 3 Dec 2016

Well, incidentally the line manager at the previous job was also from my neck of the woods, born in the same town as me! That doesn't mean anything. but she obviously doesn't like me, or doesn't want me back as a colleague ... otherwise she would have given me the heads-up about new job openings, and hasnt. I know they have taken new people on, as I saw the position advertised online, and have since been in the shop,and seen new faces.

fowler9 · 3 Dec 2016

amateur said:
Well, incidentally the line manager at the previous job was also from my neck of the woods, born in the same town as me! That doesn't mean anything. but she obviously doesn't like me, or doesn't want me back as a colleague ... otherwise she would have given me the heads-up about new job openings, and hasnt. I know they have taken new people on, as I saw the position advertised online, and have since been in the shop,and seen new faces.

Thing is mate if you make no effort to get on with the people you work with other than talking shop you can take that as a given. It is complicated. You said yourself that you don't want to talk about anything apart from work with people you work with. You probably aren't top of your previous line managers list.

amateur · 4 Dec 2016

DarloRich said:
don't talk about it then. talk about the weather it is a recognized (especially British) conversational tool to essentially say: "hello - do you want to chat about stuff"

I don't talk about it. But that's why employers let you go. Cos you're boring. Even if you are competent at your job, and never been off sick or never been late.

In my current job I'm just being myself. I'm not pretending to be somebody I'm not. When I talk, it is about subjects I enjoy. (Asking a colleague what time he got home last night, when there were major disruptions/cancellations).

But I know they won't extend my contract, but will keep the other new person on after xmas.

SteveP29 · 5 Dec 2016

amateur said:
she obviously doesn't like me, or doesn't want me back as a colleague ... otherwise she would have given me the heads-up about new job openings, and hasnt

Its not up to your line manager to inform you of these developments.
They cannot be expected to put things on a plate for you. You left your mother's breast at least a couple of decades ago now.
Its simply not just a case of whether she likes you or not.

One of the essential skills that almost every employer seeks when recruiting or thinking about internal promotion is the ability to problem solve and find information for themselves.

amateur · 5 Dec 2016

SteveP29 said:
Its not up to your line manager to inform you of these developments.
They cannot be expected to put things on a plate for you. You left your mother's breast at least a couple of decades ago now.
Its simply not just a case of whether she likes you or not.

One of the essential skills that almost every employer seeks when recruiting or thinking about internal promotion is the ability to problem solve and find information for themselves.

And how exactly do you think I got the job in the first place?

familiarity breeds contempt. My concern is that Despite by my not being absent,sick, late, actually doing the job at hand, I shall always be overlooked cos my face doesn't fit.

AlterEgo · 5 Dec 2016

amateur said:
And how exactly do you think I got the job in the first place?

familiarity breeds contempt. My concern is that Despite by my not being absent,sick, late, actually doing the job at hand, I shall always be overlooked cos my face doesn't fit.

No, it's not because you don't fit, it's because you haven't formed any bonds with colleagues, as has been explained many times.

Bemoaning "my face doesn't fit" is victim talk. This thread has been open for six weeks, and loads of really useful advice has been given. Best to start acting upon it! Good luck.

AnonymousUser1 · 5 Dec 2016

AlterEgo said:
No, it's not because you don't fit, it's because you haven't formed any bonds with colleagues, as has been explained many times.

Bemoaning "my face doesn't fit" is victim talk. This thread has been open for six weeks, and loads of really useful advice has been given. Best to start acting upon it! Good luck.

exactly - amateur's utter dinsinterest in doing more than the bare minimum is the boundary that needs to be overcome.

theblackwatch · 5 Dec 2016

SteveP29 said:
Its not up to your line manager to inform you of these developments.
They cannot be expected to put things on a plate for you. You left your mother's breast at least a couple of decades ago now.
Its simply not just a case of whether she likes you or not.

One of the essential skills that almost every employer seeks when recruiting or thinking about internal promotion is the ability to problem solve and find information for themselves.

And remember it's an ex-manager, she has no reason to tell a former colleague there are vacancies. The fact that the OP saw the job advertised online and (presumably) failed to apply probably says something. How about addressing the issue of relations with colleagues - most employers consider it important to be able to integrate as part of a team, in fact in a previous role as part of my Performance Management Review, one of the competencies was "Works effectively in a team and with relevant external contacts, building co-operative working relationships". Maybe the OP thinks they do that, but I'm not convinced.

amateur · 5 Dec 2016

I appreciate that I'm at fault here....otherwise I wouldn't be the one struggling to keep onto jobs for longer than the fixed term contracts.

But what I struggle to understand is what is being a team player. If a line manager asks me to do a job, I do it. I don't shirk responsibility or pass it on to someone else. If I'm asked to cover for someone else's absence I do.

One one occasion We had to decant items from one place to another. This usually, meant working along in pairs with another colleague, and I happily worked along with him. I didn't say no I want to do it on my own; thus taking twice as long. If not longer!

The only thing I don't do is make small talk, socialise, go for lunch breaks or tea breaks alongside colleagues, network outside of work, or talk about non-work-related discussions. (Apart from the weather and possibly current affairs).

I'm sure in a previous job my colleagues got bored of me, cos all I ever discussed was the days' news ...as if they don't follow the news anyway!

I always ask the colleague who is doing the same job as me, (and on the same grade) whether he needs any help. Or if it's coming up towards his lunch break or home time...I will say "leave it there" I'll Finish it off. etc.

So where do I fall short when it comes to "working as a team"

I appreciate a former line manager is under no obligation to give heads up.
And in some places it's against the recruitment polices. But in lots of jobs I have worked, a lot of the staff got jobs because they were already acquainted with a current member of staff.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

theblackwatch said:
And remember it's an ex-manager, she has no reason to tell a former colleague there are vacancies. The fact that the OP saw the job advertised online and (presumably) failed to apply probably says something.

Well the fact that I had emailed her " if any opportunities arise, please get in touch with me". I got the usual drivel " we will keep your CV on hold, and will keep you updated should we be seeking additional staff"

The fact that She didn't drop me a quick message- I took that as a hint. Also, why I mentioned previously that I think "neurotypicals" are "liars".

Crossover · 5 Dec 2016

amateur said:
Well the fact that I had emailed her " if any opportunities arise, please get in touch with me". I got the usual drivel " we will keep your CV on hold, and will keep you updated should we be seeking additional staff"

The fact that She didn't drop me a quick message- I took that as a hint. Also, why I mentioned previously that I think "neurotypicals" are "liars".

Have you considered that after a time, the manager forgot about that. I say similar to a few suppliers who mither the heck out of us (I work in IT). I do keep a bit of the information on email but I couldn't tell you what companies I had on file or if I would remember them off hand if I was looking for something

amateur · 5 Dec 2016

Crossover said:
Have you considered that after a time, the manager forgot about that. I say similar to a few suppliers who mither the heck out of us (I work in IT). I do keep a bit of the information on email but I couldn't tell you what companies I had on file or if I would remember them off hand if I was looking for something

I worked for her. So she would (should) remember me. But I imagine I'm not on top of her preferred candidates.Also, I don't want to email or message her again, as it might be deemed as harassment, then you have seriously jeopardised your chances.

When I see the position adversied again, I shall re-apply. If I don't get shortlisted, I shall ask for constructive feedback. And I'll cc the head honcho (her line manager) cos sometimes it's the only way I can ever get a response from her!

Being friends with work colleagues

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