Forum Jokes

krus_aragon · 17 Sep 2017

61653 HTAFC said:
It's easier to make than to spell, apparently!

Duly corrected. (Silly hybridised French-English spelling... we call it a meráng in our house instead.)

RailUK Forums

cjp · 26 Sep 2017

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish based firm.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, Thank you for coming to the interview, but weve decided to give the Norwegian the job.

Murphy,... And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.

Manager, We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.

Murphy, And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?

Manager Thats Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,

I dont know.

You put down, Neither do I.

61653 HTAFC · 26 Sep 2017

cjp said:
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish based firm.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

Murphy,... “And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Murphy, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager “That’s Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,

‘I don’t know.’

You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”

That one was funnier the first time...

(I say that, but I may have repeated myself on this thread too, and a few times I've had to check before posting! :oops:

)

A man was setting up a freight handling company, so he rang an agency and asked for specialists in warehousing, administration and supplies. Three candidates showed up so the boss sat down with them and asked who was the expert in each area. The first candidate said that she was the warehousing specialist, the second said he was the admin guy, and the the third, a Chinese man, said he was good with supplies. So he handed each person their paperwork for the first day and went to his office...

At the end of the working day, he went down to the floor and was pleased to see a nice neat stack of boxes, with the admin paperwork neatly pinned to a clipboard... but there was no sign of the Chinese man. He called out to his administrator and asked "where's Chang gone?"

Moments later, one of the boxes burst open, and Chang jumped out sending bubble wrap and polystyrene balls everywhere, with a shout of:

"SUPPLIES!!!!"

Apologies to all concerned!

Calthrop · 26 Sep 2017

Sir Lancelot was on an urgent and perilous mission, which involved traveling great distances as quickly as possible. He had exhausted three horses in a long day's journey; arrived, on bone-tired horse no. 3, at an inn / livery stables. Frantic to go on for a few more hours, he sought to hire a replacement horse. The owner said that he had no horses in, and would have none for many hours; but he did have an old, mangy, ugly, very large St. Bernard dog, which he could offer to Sir Lancelot to ride, for a very reasonable fee. Sir L. looked at the beast, pondered briefly, and said, "Desperate measures, and all that -- I'll have to take this creature. Get him ready for me, please; I'll have half a pint of ale while you do."

Sir L. was in the inn parlour, enjoying his drink and a brief sit-down, when the owner came in, looking very crestfallen. "I'm afraid the deal is off, Sir", he said. "My poor broken-down old animal really is an utter disgrace -- I'm unable to do this thing to you. I wouldn't turn a knight out on a dog like this."

cjp · 26 Sep 2017

From the church mag.

Would the Congregation please note that the
bowl at the back of the Church labeled For The Sick,
is for monetary donations only.

341o2 · 26 Sep 2017

cjp said:
From the church mag.

Would the Congregation please note that the
bowl at the back of the Church labeled “For The Sick”,
is for monetary donations only.’

There are numerous church notice funnies such as

Celebration of Easter, when Mrs Evans will come forward and lay an egg on the alter

The congregation is requested to remain seated until the end of the recession

Thursday 7pm Low Esteem Support Group. Please use the back door

The third verse of the first hymn will be sung without musical accomplishment

For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs

Due to the minister's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community

Our recent concert was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter who laboured at the piano for the entire evening, which as usual fell on her.

The Rev Merriwether spoke briefly much to the delight of the audience

Tuesday 4pm Ice Cream social. All ladies giving milk please arrive early

Meeting of the Ladies Liturgy Society, Mrs Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor

Tuesday 5pm Little Mother's Club. Anyone wishing to become a Little Mother, please see the pastor in his private study

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the basement on Friday.

Evening service. Sermon will be "What is hell?" Come early and hear the choir practice

Don't let worries kill you - let the church help

The most powerful position is on your knees

61653 HTAFC · 26 Sep 2017

341o2 said:
There are numerous church notice funnies such as

Celebration of Easter, when Mrs Evans will come forward and lay an egg on the alter

The congregation is requested to remain seated until the end of the recession

Thursday 7pm Low Esteem Support Group. Please use the back door

The third verse of the first hymn will be sung without musical accomplishment

For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs

Due to the minister's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community

Our recent concert was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter who laboured at the piano for the entire evening, which as usual fell on her.

The Rev Merriwether spoke briefly much to the delight of the audience

Tuesday 4pm Ice Cream social. All ladies giving milk please arrive early

Meeting of the Ladies Liturgy Society, Mrs Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor

Tuesday 5pm Little Mother's Club. Anyone wishing to become a Little Mother, please see the pastor in his private study

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the basement on Friday.

Evening service. Sermon will be "What is hell?" Come early and hear the choir practice

Don't let worries kill you - let the church help

The most powerful position is on your knees

Or the church in Glasgow that had a big sign outside proclaiming "Jesus Saves!"

With a graffito beneath reading "Sign Him up, Bhoys!" which was a nice twist on the old "but Satan scores the rebound!" line...

Peter Mugridge · 26 Sep 2017

Upper class English twit: "Which part of Scotland are you from?"

Old Gaelic man: "Glaschu"

Upper class English twit: "Bless you!"

Cowley · 26 Sep 2017

341o2 said:
There are numerous church notice funnies such as

Celebration of Easter, when Mrs Evans will come forward and lay an egg on the alter

The congregation is requested to remain seated until the end of the recession

Thursday 7pm Low Esteem Support Group. Please use the back door

The third verse of the first hymn will be sung without musical accomplishment

For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs

Due to the minister's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community

Our recent concert was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter who laboured at the piano for the entire evening, which as usual fell on her.

The Rev Merriwether spoke briefly much to the delight of the audience

Tuesday 4pm Ice Cream social. All ladies giving milk please arrive early

Meeting of the Ladies Liturgy Society, Mrs Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor

Tuesday 5pm Little Mother's Club. Anyone wishing to become a Little Mother, please see the pastor in his private study

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the basement on Friday.

Evening service. Sermon will be "What is hell?" Come early and hear the choir practice

Don't let worries kill you - let the church help

The most powerful position is on your knees

This reminded me of the time that my (slightly scary) grandmother was berating her elderly cousin about the amount of clutter in her house:
"Oh really Joan, you must take yourself in hand and throw a few old things out".

IanXC · 27 Sep 2017

Can I remind posters of one of our forum rules:

Please ensure your contributions are suitable for the wide age range we have as forum members. We have a duty to ensure that offensive material has no place on this forum, and that content remains family friendly.

Thanks

Death · 29 Sep 2017

cjp said:
From the church mag:
Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled For The Sick, is for monetary donations only.

Oh man...That is Brilliant!!! :lol:

:grin:
I've been having a really stressed and difficult day here, so thank you so much for making my evening great again!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Anyhow, my (Rather topical) contribution, dug out of an old floppy disk(!) a few months back... 8-)

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed,
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently,
1 to move it to the Lighting section after 2 have argued to move it to the Electricals section,
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,
5 to flame the spell checkers,
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb",
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid,
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp",
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct,
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum,
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum,
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop,
4 to say that they've been disappointed in Lightbulb Live for the last 4 years,
12 to ask why those 4 keep going to Lightbulb Live only to complain about it,
1 to break the news about the new limited release light bulb,
1 to post that the news was already broken in another thread and start a poll about reading entire threads,
12 to post that they shouldn't mention limited releases because someone might buy them to resell,
1 to insist he has every right to buy and sell lightbulbs,
1 to obsessively insist that no-one should make profit from lightbulbs on this forum,
5 to post that they've collected 11 of the limited edition lightbulbs already so might as well get the whole set.
32 to not bother posting because there's no post count showing anymore,
8 to say that their electric company sent them 4 free lightbulbs, when quite clearly they would have preferred the moon on a stick.
6 to post thinly veiled criticisms of the Mods management of lightbulbs,
15 to post that the Mods can do exactly as they want with their own lightbulbs,
6 to pretend they were just asking innocent questions about lightbulb management and didn't do anything wrong,
1 to ask that the Mods backup all mention of lightbulbs so they can write a book about their really interesting life with lightbulbs,
11 to reply that it's not a personal lightbulb anecdote storage facility,
7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs,
4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and then post the corrected URLs,
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including pictures, and add "Me too",
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy,
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?",
13 to say "Do a HotBot search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs", and
...1 forum lurker to respond to the original post twelve months from now and start it all over again! hock:

Hope ye all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed reading the other posts here!

>> Death <<

61653 HTAFC · 29 Sep 2017

Death said:
Oh man...That is Brilliant!!! :grin:
I've been having a really stressed and difficult day here, so thank you so much for making my evening great again!
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Anyhow, my (Rather topical) contribution, dug out of an old floppy disk(!) a few months back...
...
NOTE: My (61653 HTAFC) addition: (tl;dq = too long, didn't quote!)
...
[*]13 to say "Do a HotBot search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
...
[*]...1 forum lurker to respond to the original post twelve months from now and start it all over again! hock: Hope ye all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed reading the other posts here!

Two things in that post that REALLY show its age... funny how the verb "to hotbot" never really took off!

E_Reeves · 30 Sep 2017

A North and South Korean got into an argument over their currencies. The South Korean won.

cjp · 3 Oct 2017

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

61653 HTAFC · 3 Oct 2017

cjp said:
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

Ha! Wish I'd had the idea, as a teenager, to say "Mum, dirt cannot be created or destroyed- just changed!"

backontrack · 4 Oct 2017

61653 HTAFC said:
Ha! Wish I'd had the idea, as a teenager, to say "Mum, dirt cannot be created or destroyed- just changed!"

I know we have conservation of energy - what about conservation of grot?

Anyway, here's my contribution:

Recently, many people at my school complained about a recent maths test that they didn't do very well on. Some questioned their own mathematical aptitude, while others blame an inability to concentrate in class.

So I decided to run a poll, as you do.

I asked the class: do you need to improve at maths, or to improve at focusing?

50% of the class said that they needed to improve at maths.

The rest said: "Wait, what?"

Pinza-C55 · 4 Oct 2017

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

AndrewE · 4 Oct 2017

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

cjp · 5 Oct 2017

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned? :frown:

61653 HTAFC · 5 Oct 2017

Pinza-C55 said:
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Love that! I may have to steal it...

Adlington · 5 Oct 2017

An old man asked his wife, “Martha, we’ve soon been married for 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you… Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening when I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that… You saved our home after all. But what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

341o2 · 6 Oct 2017

Why do Norwegian battleships have bar codes painted on their sides?

When they return to port, they Scandianavian

How about some Satnav jokes?

I love my satnav - I'd be lost without it
Someone stole my satnav - now my life lacks direction
Spilt Vanish on my satnav - now I can't find Staines
Then there is the Bonnie Tyler satnav - it keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart
Bon Jovi satnav - apparently we are halfway there
I went to the zoo with my new satnav and don't trust it - it said "bear left", but I saw an elephant
I saw someone with a crocodile in his car reading a map - "That's my navigator"
And done before on this thread...Yorkshire constabulary have had their satnavs stolen, police are now looking for Leeds

GW43125 · 6 Oct 2017

I walked into a pub wearing a filthy set of overalls and the barman told me I couldn't come in dressed like that.

So I said "I guess you're happy fixing the heating yourself" and walked out.

61653 HTAFC · 6 Oct 2017

Up at the Pearly gates, St. Peter is desperate for a pee having been on the job for 2 millennia so he calls Jesus to come and supervise for a bit while he "makes it rain". Jesus is happy to do this, and stands at the gates waiting for the souls of the deceased to arrive. The first person is an elderly gentleman and Jesus asks him the questions that Pete left behind. "Your name please, sir?" The old man replies "well, I guess in English you would call me Joseph". Jesus moves on to the next question, which is occupation. "I was a carpenter" says the old guy. "Okay" says Jesus "just one more question- did you have any children?" The old man replies "I had a son, But my son did not enter the world in the usual way.". At this point, Jesus scratches his head, strokes his beard, then loses his previous officious tone, throws his arms around the old man and cries "Father!"

The old man looks puzzled and says "Pinnochio?"

cjp · 7 Oct 2017

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

cjp · 8 Oct 2017

lets see . . . .

Well it works but is it a good thing?
Should one just stick to words?

GW43125 · 9 Oct 2017

I got sent this yesterday...

For those unable to see it: a person at their desk, with four clocks and a record on their back wall. Under the four clocks, it reads "New York, London, Paris, Munich" and under the record, "Everybody talk about pop music", as a reference to the line from M's 1979 song "Pop Muzik"; "New York, London, Paris, Munich, everybody talk about pop music"

zuriblue · 9 Oct 2017

The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for an aftershave.

It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground.

Only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.

yorkie · 10 Oct 2017

cjp said:
lets see . . . .

View attachment 35607

Well it works but is it a good thing?
Should one just stick to words?

GW43125 said:
I got sent this yesterday...

Sorry to be a pain, but can I just take the opportunity to inform everyone that the forum is read by people who are unable to see images, so can we please have text descriptions or quotes (as appropriate) so that we can be as inclusive as possible please?

If an image contains text, the text can be quoted, otherwise a description of the image would be great.

The same requirement applies when providing hyperlinks to, or referring to, any external content, as it can be very difficult for blind people to navigate to external sites (and get past all the menus and potentially adverts) and back again, and also external content may get moved/changed/removed.

Once again sorry to be a pain and many thanks in advance for your co-operation. I know several of our members really do appreciate this!

61653 HTAFC · 10 Oct 2017

zuriblue said:
The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for an aftershave.

It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground.

Only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.

I literally laughed out loud at this one. Another one to steal!

(Don't know how I managed to screw up the quote tags)

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