• Our booking engine at tickets.railforums.co.uk (powered by TrainSplit) helps support the running of the forum with every ticket purchase! Find out more and ask any questions/give us feedback in this thread!

Forum Jokes

Status
Not open for further replies.
C

Calthrop

Established Member
Joined
6 Dec 2015
Messages
3,305
najaB said:
Go to your room and take a good long think about if you're proud of what you've done here...
Click to expand...

You're encouraging me here, then... :E

A couple on the "nature red in tooth and claw" theme --

There's the cat which ate some cheese, and then sat down outside a mousehole with baited breath...

And the blackbird which happened upon a pool of spilt oil, walked into it and rolled around a bit; then went on to great success in pulling worms out of the ground and eating them: because "the oily boid catches the woim".
 
Sponsor Post - registered members do not see these adverts; click here to register, or click here to log in
R

RailUK Forums

Skimpot flyer

Skimpot flyer

Established Member
Joined
16 Nov 2012
Messages
1,613
What a bad day I’ve had. First day in my new job at Wickes and got sacked AND charged with assault.
I blame my boss. He told me there was ‘a customer in aisle three that needs decking’...
 
Techniquest

Techniquest

Veteran Member
Joined
19 Jun 2005
Messages
21,674
Location
Nowhere Heath
Skimpot flyer said:
What a bad day I’ve had. First day in my new job at Wickes and got sacked AND charged with assault.
I blame my boss. He told me there was ‘a customer in aisle three that needs decking’...
Click to expand...

:lol: :lol: :lol:

While I'm certain I've read that one before somewhere, it did make me laugh and on a day which has gone incredibly badly before it even started, that's a huge bonus!

I did have a joke come to mind, but I've forgotten what it was!
 
GW43125

GW43125

Established Member
Joined
8 Dec 2014
Messages
2,049
scotrail158713 said:
Me: There’s been a fire in Tesco.
Friend from Liverpool: Has there?
Me: No, Tesco.
Click to expand...

My local butcher’s West Midlands warehouse was torched last night.
“Burning ham?” I asked him.
“Nah, Coventry” came the reply.
 
341o2

341o2

Established Member
Joined
17 Oct 2011
Messages
1,906
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care
 
Requeststop

Requeststop

Member
Joined
21 Jan 2012
Messages
944
Location
Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea
There is a blond (Note the spelling) sitting in first class on the plane and the stewardess asks to see their ticket.
On Inspection it turns out its an economy class ticket and the stewardess asks the blond (note the spelling) to move to the economy section of the plane and they refuse.
So the stewardess goes to the flight purser and explains the situation and the purser approaches the blond (note the spelling) and asks to see the ticket.
Indeed the stewardess was correct and the purser explains to the blond (note the spelling) that the ticket is not for first class but for economy and will they please move back to the correct section of the aircraft.
Again the blond (note the spelling) refuses.
So the purser goes to the captain of the aircraft and explains the situation and the Captain says he'll sort it out.
The Captain approaches the blond (note the spelling) and they talk for a minute and the blond (note the spelling) gets out of the first class seat and sits down in economy.
The purser approaches the Captain and asks "How did you do that?"
The Captains answers. " I just said that the first class part of the plane doesn't go to New York and it did the trick!"
 
Techniquest

Techniquest

Veteran Member
Joined
19 Jun 2005
Messages
21,674
Location
Nowhere Heath
Why is the spelling of blond so important there? I mean, to note it in brackets that many times rather ruined it. Not that it hasn't been told so many times it's lost pretty much all humour anyway!
 
GRALISTAIR

GRALISTAIR

Established Member
Joined
11 Apr 2012
Messages
7,887
Location
Dalton GA USA & Preston Lancs
Tessa Sanderson goes into a pub. A guys buys a pint of Whitbread. Tessa picks up the beer and farts in it and puts it back down. The guy asks "You-fart-in-ma Whitbread?" Nah mate, I am Tessa Sanderson.
 
najaB

najaB

Veteran Member
Joined
28 Aug 2011
Messages
30,819
Location
Scotland
A yoga instructor was found guilty of killing one of his students.
It was a premeditated murder.
 
shredder1

shredder1

Established Member
Joined
23 Nov 2016
Messages
2,711
Location
North Manchester
alchemy said:
Don't buy Ukrainian Underpants!

Chernobyl Fallout
Click to expand...


Funny enough I was in Kiev a few months ago and actually visited Chernobyl and Pripyat and ran out of clean underpants, so had to buy a few pairs, really cheap too and I must say, so far , I`ve had no fall out issues thus far, just a bit of overhang, but I`m on a diet at the moment
 
Cowley

Cowley

Forum Staff
Staff Member
Global Moderator
Joined
15 Apr 2016
Messages
15,778
Location
Devon
shredder1 said:
Funny enough I was in Kiev a few months ago and actually visited Chernobyl and Pripyat and ran out of clean underpants, so had to buy a few pairs, really cheap too and I must say, so far , I`ve had no fall out issues thus far, just a bit of overhang, but I`m on a diet at the moment
Click to expand...
:lol::lol:
 
341o2

341o2

Established Member
Joined
17 Oct 2011
Messages
1,906
What do budgies get on the National Health?

Cheep tweetment
 
J

jon0844

Veteran Member
Joined
1 Feb 2009
Messages
28,055
Location
UK
GRALISTAIR said:
Tessa Sanderson goes into a pub. A guys buys a pint of Whitbread. Tessa picks up the beer and farts in it and puts it back down. The guy asks "You-fart-in-ma Whitbread?" Nah mate, I am Tessa Sanderson.
Click to expand...

Have I gone back in time?
 
341o2

341o2

Established Member
Joined
17 Oct 2011
Messages
1,906
A jump lead goes into a bar, the barman says "Ok, I'll serve you, but don't start anything
 
shredder1

shredder1

Established Member
Joined
23 Nov 2016
Messages
2,711
Location
North Manchester
A glutton who lived on the Rhine

was asked at what time he would dine

He stated at one, two, three and four

half six, half seven, and nine
 
341o2

341o2

Established Member
Joined
17 Oct 2011
Messages
1,906
a piece of string goes into a bar and orders a pint, only to be told that we don't serve string here
so he asks a passer by to tie him up like a pretzel and tease the ends out
In this new guise, he reenters the bar and orders a pint.
The barman says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I refused to serve just now?"
No, I'm a frayed knot

Toby, the pub dog died and went to doggy heaven, but without that appendage which shows when he was pleased.
So he asked to go back home to be made complete
He arrived at night, awoke the landlord who when he understood the request, replied
"So it's you, Toby, but you must understand that I am not permitted to retail spirits after hours"
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Top