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Your quickest exit from a pub?

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Busaholic

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Another one from a long time ago. I'd caught an East London Line tube (now part of Overground) to New Cross, knowing that if I was lucky I might catch a BR train on the other side of the same platform, and if not have a half hour wait for the next train home. A train (slam door stock) was standing at the platform as we arrived, but in the five seconds before our tube doors opened, the guard's whistle went and off it trundled. I was aware of at least one pub in immediate proximity to the station, so decided to try it. It was a real old SE London boozer, with one huge bar, selling crap beer. I ordered a lager (best bet in the circs) and went to sit in a corner. I became aware of the only other occupants of the pub, sitting in another corner about thirty yards away, a staggeringly ugly looking couple, and they appeared to be discussing me. The guy was looking threateningly at me, and seconds later came over and said something along the lines of 'you clocking my bird?'. I refrained from replying 'yes, I couldn't believe anyone could be that ugly' and just mumbled 'no, of course not, mate' or somesuch and forced the remaining lager down my throat. The only trouble was that the only door out of the pub was right by where the happy couple were sitting and the seconds it took to stroll nonchalantly out without glancing in their direction were long, long ones. Much better to spend a winter evening waiting on a freezing New X station, I decided.
 
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Terry Tait

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Having sat through very boring meetings all day at work, I decided to go to The Railway pub, next door to Ponders End station for a pint on the way home, I realised that there was a drunk teenager repeatedly putting some Cliff Richard song on the dukebox so I didn't stay long at all, pub is no longer there so I here.
 

Haywain

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I don't believe so on 2 counts.
1. The licensing condition requiring it usually only requires it to be given to customers. Someone not making any other purchase is not a customer.
2. They can charge for use of the glass etc.
3. They can simply refuse to serve anyone, without having to give a reason (if anything, it’s giving a reason that could cause problems).
 

Bald Rick

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In student days (three decades ago, gulp!), walked into a busy local pub in north Birmingham with 4 co-students. The place didn’t quite stop, but there was a definite sense of being watched. Lots of Guinness being drunk. I went to the bar to order the beers. Before I could do so, the (rather hefty) barmaid nodded towards the end of the bar where a metal plate with a fair bit of cash on it was located, and she asked me to make a contribution “for the volunteers”.

About turn.
 

telstarbox

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Another one from a long time ago. I'd caught an East London Line tube (now part of Overground) to New Cross, knowing that if I was lucky I might catch a BR train on the other side of the same platform, and if not have a half hour wait for the next train home. A train (slam door stock) was standing at the platform as we arrived, but in the five seconds before our tube doors opened, the guard's whistle went and off it trundled. I was aware of at least one pub in immediate proximity to the station, so decided to try it. It was a real old SE London boozer, with one huge bar, selling crap beer. I ordered a lager (best bet in the circs) and went to sit in a corner. I became aware of the only other occupants of the pub, sitting in another corner about thirty yards away, a staggeringly ugly looking couple, and they appeared to be discussing me. The guy was looking threateningly at me, and seconds later came over and said something along the lines of 'you clocking my bird?'. I refrained from replying 'yes, I couldn't believe anyone could be that ugly' and just mumbled 'no, of course not, mate' or somesuch and forced the remaining lager down my throat. The only trouble was that the only door out of the pub was right by where the happy couple were sitting and the seconds it took to stroll nonchalantly out without glancing in their direction were long, long ones. Much better to spend a winter evening waiting on a freezing New X station, I decided.
Times have changed, all the surviving pubs in New Cross are pretty pleasant. On the other hand I've never had a pressing desire to go in the ones on the Old Kent Road.
 

Karl

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Good thread. Some great tales. I can't help thinking of this classic pub scene from Withnail And I...

 

Busaholic

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I'd forgotten that, but my Camden days tell me that'd be a thinly-veiled reference to the Mother Redcap pub in Camden Town. When height equality rules were brought into force a Sergeant at Camden Town nick was quoted in the local paper 'if I get a shout to the Mother Redcap on a Saturday night I want coppers built like brick ****houses, not Felicity Kendall' :lol:
 

kermit

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Years ago there used to be a pub near Leicester Railway Station (and, because we still moved post and parcels by rail in those happy, sensible days, the main postal sorting office). It was called The Royal Mail.
The pub was packed with postal staff. I could barely get through the door, and needed to attract the attention of my friend, who was right over the other side. It never occurred to me that shouting "PAT!!!! PAT!!!! PAAAATTT!!!" across a room full of postal staff could be taken amiss........
 

Busaholic

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Years ago there used to be a pub near Leicester Railway Station (and, because we still moved post and parcels by rail in those happy, sensible days, the main postal sorting office). It was called The Royal Mail.
The pub was packed with postal staff. I could barely get through the door, and needed to attract the attention of my friend, who was right over the other side. It never occurred to me that shouting "PAT!!!! PAT!!!! PAAAATTT!!!" across a room full of postal staff could be taken amiss........
Did he have his black and white cat with him?
 

jmh59

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Not quite OT but we went to a pub in Eccleshill (w yorks) decades ago and were met with a wall of sound (live band) so bad it hurt - had to turn and leave.

Also one Christmas do we were not allowed into a pub in Leeds because we didn't have enough girls with us!!
 

theblackwatch

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I can't remember exactly where, but near one station on the Tyne Valley around 10 years ago, I walked into a pub which said 'real ales' outside, only to be confronted with a single pump with no clip on it. I asked what real ales they have. 'None' was the answer, at which point I walked out. I remember a work colleague saying they wouldn't have the nerve to do that, but my response was would someone walk into a fish & chip shop to be told they had no chips and still give the place custom? If a place expects your business, they have to provide you with the product you want!
 

Busaholic

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I can't remember exactly where, but near one station on the Tyne Valley around 10 years ago, I walked into a pub which said 'real ales' outside, only to be confronted with a single pump with no clip on it. I asked what real ales they have. 'None' was the answer, at which point I walked out. I remember a work colleague saying they wouldn't have the nerve to do that, but my response was would someone walk into a fish & chip shop to be told they had no chips and still give the place custom? If a place expects your business, they have to provide you with the product you want!
Kent Probation Service HQ was situated in what had been the family home of Mr Sharp, of Sharp's Toffee fame, a little way from the centre of Maidstone. The nearest pub was actually in the village of Tovil about a mile away, but some of us paid a weekly visit. The first time I went there, I saw the rather formidable landlady carrying a lovely steaming homemade steak and kidney pudding and veg, and being lunchtime asked if I could have one. The response was that it was for her husband 'out back' and the only food on offer was crisps or pork scratchings, I then noticed the one pump with clip attached for a Fremlin's ale, it being a Fremlin's pub, but was told 'oh. that's just for effect, we never have any!'. We didn't leave, cos by the time we'd found anywhere else it'd be time to return to the office, and we grew to almost enjoy the foibles over time. On my day of leaving, my boss put in a special request to the landlady for steal and kidney pud (one portion) but it fell on deaf ears!
 

Tracked

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Several times it's been a matter of seeing the Real Ales that were on were either a Greene King beer or Sharps' Doom Bar and going back out, so probably a couple of seconds ...
 

ChiefPlanner

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Some train planning types went right across Glasgow to a "reccomended" pub near Alexandria which had supposedly a good range of real ale.

So they found it ,went in to be greeted by a strip lit cavern , clouds of smoke and a very hostile glares from the locals. One of the more louder planners immediately said (very loudly) , "what a f**ing shi**hole" , so they legged it back to the safety of Central Glasgow before serious damage was done to them. His advice was ignored after that.
 

Ted633

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Also on the 'real' ale front, walked into a pub and asked what ales they had on. Barman, very enthusiastically, replied that they had John Smiths! Asked if they had any others, and he couldn't comprehend what was wrong with John Smiths. So it was an about turn, and found somewhere else!

Also one Christmas do we were not allowed into a pub in Leeds because we didn't have enough girls with us!!

This seems to happen more and more now unfortunately. I was on a birthday bash in Cardiff last weekend and pretty much every bar we went into, we had to point out the girls within our group (and who they were 'with') to be able to get in. Seems to be if you're a group of lads, you're only out to cause trouble!
 

RichmondCommu

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Well over 30 years a go, when my wife and I still lived in England we bought our first house around a mile from the nearest village. The first time we walk into the village happens to be a freezing cold night and we're looking forward to a roaring fire and a couple of pints.

We enter the pub to hear a bloke (complete with an audience) shouting at the top of his voice. My wife and I looked at each other, turned round and walked out.

Fortunately the village had another pub. Once in there the locals explained that Tuesday night was poetry night in the other pub. We had many great nights in both pubs but were always very selective on Tuesday nights
 
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Tom B

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About 10 years ago I visited a pub in deepest Leith. A load of builders had got hold of a fold up table, and one round of the night's pub quiz was a challenge involving it (something like, lie on the table and get underneath if and back up without touching the floor). It was... illuminating!
 

pdeaves

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Ayr, many moons ago. My wife and I bounced off the empty space in the doorway. It was SO loud, my insides were vibrating from the 'music' (I would hesitate to call it that as I could only hear certain frequencies). No way, we'll find somewhere else where we can actually talk to each other without our ears bleeding.
 

LowLevel

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Years ago there used to be a pub near Leicester Railway Station (and, because we still moved post and parcels by rail in those happy, sensible days, the main postal sorting office). It was called The Royal Mail.
The pub was packed with postal staff. I could barely get through the door, and needed to attract the attention of my friend, who was right over the other side. It never occurred to me that shouting "PAT!!!! PAT!!!! PAAAATTT!!!" across a room full of postal staff could be taken amiss........

That was a legendary establishment, multi storey car park on it now. Postal workers had one bar, railway staff the other (managers went elsewhere) and more than once the guard for the Leicester - Peterborough parcels was carried out of the door senseless after over indulging while they turned the train around. Different world!
 
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Very entertaining thread, not managed to read it all yet but Busaholic' stories in particular are very funny and have me thinking fondly of my London time.

For me the worst hostile action and fastest exit from the bar must be have been back in my football drinking younger days one very crazy bier fuelled night in late 1987 in Berlin.
The night started early in the day as usual before the match BFC against Union in the Oberliga. The score that day I cannot remember as I was certainly far too drunk but we won as Dynamo were in our wonderful winning streak back in those good old days..
After the match we were all celebrating late into the night out in the kneipen of Prenzlauer Berg and after a certain point my memory is completely blank and all I can remember is banging my head on a street light pole..
I looked around and the jungs were GONE. My head aching still I seen a busy very noisy bar to my left over the road and I will never know why but I walked over and entered the door and suddenly all was silence. I could not figure out what was wrong first but everyone in the bar was looking me like strange with some kind of hate I was the devil himself. Then it hit me when I seen their what everyone was wearing.
I was somehow ended up in Köpenick and had walked into a Unioner bar!! There was I standing alone in the door in my Dynamo shirt and scarf still around of my kneck facing a bar full of deeply angry drunken Unioner fans, that moment I turned and somehow managed to find the energy inside of me to run as fast as possible as I could out of there as a group of three or four of them gave chase along the road, screaming at me. At the corner of my eye a empty tram was approaching the halt and the driver seen me and he opened the door for me running on, I made it and he closed the door right behind me as I collapsed there on to the floor and was sick on the foor.
I came so close to getting a bad beating that night if it were not for that „good samaritan“ tram driver.
Until this day I still have never ran as fast as I did that night in Köpenick.

Some years later in the early nineties during the sommer break as a student I was on my first (of many) interrail trip and first time in the western Europe and also first visit to Scotland and great Britain.
I took a „125“ from Edinburgh going I think to Inverness? Across the forth bridge (beautiful work of engineering which I was fascinating by at the time and still today nearly thirty years on) to a place called Inverkeithing just on the north side of the bridge, there was some time before the next train back to Edinburgh so I walked into the village and into a pub. I walked in the door to find the pub almost deserted apart from the bar man and two elderly Scottish gentleman sat sipping their bier staring at a TV screen playing a porno film!
I instantly laughed and the three of them looked at me with some kind of evil, I turned and headed straight back to the station..
And that was „Inverkeithing“!

And the longest time in the pub would be to my old favourite place in South London which some of you may know is sadly no longer, „The Charlie Chaplin“ at Elephant&Castle in süd London.
Nice place where many good memories were hand during my England time.
 

stuart100100

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Mine was only last month on the Isle of Man. Myself and the boyfriend were looking for a quiet place to have a drink and to dry off on a rainy Saturday evening. Found somewhere with an empty corner room.

Two minutes after sitting down with my pint in walks a very overly friendly and VERY drunk middle aged polish lady (with her own beer in a carrier bag) with her sister who told me how much she liked well built men (ie chunky), asked if she could have a photo which i politely agreed to, and ended up with her on my knee with her arms wrapped around my face and neck while her sister snapped away.

Decided a vaping break was needed and never went back in

When you are stone cold sober, being mauled by someone bladdered is not the same experience
 

Busaholic

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Mine was only last month on the Isle of Man. Myself and the boyfriend were looking for a quiet place to have a drink and to dry off on a rainy Saturday evening. Found somewhere with an empty corner room.

Two minutes after sitting down with my pint in walks a very overly friendly and VERY drunk middle aged polish lady (with her own beer in a carrier bag) with her sister who told me how much she liked well built men (ie chunky), asked if she could have a photo which i politely agreed to, and ended up with her on my knee with her arms wrapped around my face and neck while her sister snapped away.

Decided a vaping break was needed and never went back in

When you are stone cold sober, being mauled by someone bladdered is not the same experience
Have you received the blackmail note yet? :lol:
 

trebor79

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About 20 years ago doing the coast to coast bike ride. We were staying in Penrith (group of about 6 lads). Wandered the town looking for a pint, settled on The Dig and Duck. In retrospect the neon signage should have rung alarm bells.
The place was bustling. As soon s the door shut behind us it went silent. Blokes standing with their pool cues starting at us, Dowling bar staff.
2 of the guys in our group were, how shall I say, a bit socially inept. Before we could drag them out, one went and put 50p on the pool table and the other approached bar and asked for a pint of Flowers. "A point of Flowers WHAT mate?" "Err, please?" "Yeah that's better ****" (to be fair he had said please but somehow the barman hadn't heard him).
Necked our drinks whilst playing the world's quickest ever game of pool. The place remained silent.
Numpty no.1 makes to put another 50p in the pool table. Numpty no. 2 asks if it's his round. We dragged them out and explained once we'd reached safety.
Found another place that was much more friendly but I can't remember what it was called now.
 

MP33

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I visited a pub in town one evening. i was meeting up with a group of people and when I arrived amongst them there was someone who moved away a few years ago. He is a complete A Hole and fortunately living hundreds of miles away I hardly ever see him. On first sight I walked out and went home. It was Summer and I never made it into the Pub from the Beer Garden.
 

Spamcan81

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Many years ago went with a mate into a pub in Tilbury. Ordered our beers. Mother and daughter clocked us and asked if we had a light. Being non smokers we said that unfortunately we couldn't oblige. The torrent of abuse that came our way was unbelievable so we downed our pints and left.
A couple of years later six of us went into a bar in s'Hertogenbosch, Holland. Ordered six beers but as they were being poured, I noticed that a) the glasses weren't exactly clean and b) the clientele were giving us the evil eye. I'd downed my beer by the time the sixth beer had been poured and four other mates finished theirs by the time our mate had paid for the round. We were out of the bar before he could drink his. Was the only unfriendly bar I've ever found in Holland.
 

HOOVER29

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Was on a lads knees up holiday in Cornwall. Can’t remember the pub name or where it was although it may have been in Plymouth. Nice pub outside. Winner winner chicken dinner we thought. Turned out to be a pub for gay men.
We left before the door had even shut.
(Must point out that now I’ve nothing against people that are gay but back in the 80’s my mind was wired in a totally different way to the way it thinks & operates now)
 

dgl

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Going to the William Henry Wetherspoon's in Weymouth for a meal with my brother and sister, only to go up to the bar and being refused service as I had no id (I wold have been 20 at the time), despite the fact that I was not ordering any alcohol, really put me off that place for a while.
 
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