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Forum Jokes

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eotw

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24 May 2017
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63
I liked it when prorogue was just what Scooby Doo called the introductory section of a book
 
Requeststop

Requeststop

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Joined
21 Jan 2012
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944
Location
Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea
A Blonde goes into a bar. She sees a friend who invites her over for a drink. They're chatting away, and the 6 PM news comes on the bar TV set. A man is about to jump off a tall building; the police are trying to talk him down, the air is tense .....
The friend says to the Blonde - "I bet you $20 he jumps."
The Blonde says "I don't think he will."
Just then, the man jumps.
The Blonde says "well, I guess I owe you $20."
The friend starts to laugh and says I can't take your money, I saw this on the 5 PM news.
The Blonde says " Oh, I did too. I just didn't think he'd do it again."
 
61653 HTAFC

61653 HTAFC

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Joined
18 Dec 2012
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17,647
Location
Another planet...
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of the strongest ale. He then bets the barman £5 that he can drain his glass within 3 seconds. The barman accepts and the man pours the beer down his throat in 2.8 seconds. The barman shakes his head and pays up, and the man orders another. This time he bets the barman £10 that he can down it in 2 seconds. Again the barman accepts and the man drains his glass in 1.5 seconds.

Next, the the man offers a £50 bet that he can stand on his barstool and pee directly into a pint glass as it's slid along the bar, without spilling a drop. The barman accepts and lo and behold, the pee goes everywhere except into the sliding pint glass. The barman yells with delight, doing a little victory dance having finally got one over on the guy. At the same time another bloke at the back of the pub starts cursing, effing and jeffing like there's no tomorrow. The barman asks the first man what's up, to which he replies "oh, I bet him £100 that I could p*** all over the bar and you'd be happy about it!".
 
47403

47403

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Joined
21 May 2012
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2,060
Location
Geordie Republic of Gateshead
A young boy comes running in the house and excitedly shouts, Dad, Dad, I've got a part in the school play.
His Dad proudly says, Congratulations Son, that's great. So tell me what's your part in this play.
Excitedly the boys says, I play Mr Smith, a man who's been married for 25yrs.
His Dad said, oh nevermind son, if you do a good job, they may give you talking part in the next one.

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic texas cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Robert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow." Furious, Robert yelled, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Margaret?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!!!!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "well you should've bought a bloody hat then.
 
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Welshman

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Joined
11 Mar 2010
Messages
3,019
A man takes a vow of silence and joins a monastery.
After the first year, the Abbot sends for him and asks
"Is everything aright?"
"Well, the bed's a bit hard" he replies.
After another five years, the Abbot asks again
"Is everything alright?"
"Well, the bed's a bit hard" he replies.
After another ten years the Abbot asks again
"Is everything alright?"
"Well, the bed's a bit hard" he replies.
"You know" says the Abbot, "I don't think your're called to the monastic life. You've done nothing but complain from the moment you joined"

{Yes, I know, But it always makes me laugh}
 
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Carlisle

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Joined
26 Aug 2012
Messages
4,128
Why do graveyards have high walls and railings?
Because people are dyeing to get in.
 
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Steamysandy

Member
Joined
29 Jan 2018
Messages
250
Location
Longniddry
A missionary went to a village where he met a lad who was enthralled about his religion so the lad signed up to join the order of poi.
There was along initiation which involved taking part in ceremonies around the world each one leading to the great day when the lad would be initiated.
Eventually after about 15 years he was told the initiation would take place. So he travelled to a remote corner of the USA.There he was taken into a room where he was kitted out in the Ceremonial robes
He was then taken into a large banqueting hall.The High Priest came forward and asked him are you ready to be initiated into the order of Poi?
He replied Yes.The Priest then asked do you want Mince PoI,Lamb Poi.Steak Poi orMutton PoI?!!
 
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AndrewE

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Joined
9 Nov 2015
Messages
5,096
An old cowboy retires and moves into a house in a tiny one-street town. After a few days settling in to his house he decides to go out to meet the locals, so he goes to the barber's.

The barber looks at the cowboy's rough hairy face, sucks his teeth and picks up a small wooden ball...

He says "Put this inside your cheek" and starts the wet shave, then says "Put it in the other side now" and continues with the job.

At the end the cowboy says "That's the best shave I've had for years... Tell me, what would have happened if I had swallowed the ball?"

The barber replies "Oh, that's not a problem. You just bring it back after a couple of days, like everyone else does!"
 
swj99

swj99

Member
Joined
7 Nov 2011
Messages
765
When I was young I used to have an imaginary friend.
Now I'm on facebook I have 319.
 
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