Train announcements with a sense of humour

C J Snarzell · 18 Feb 2020

I was on a TPE service recently from York to Manchester and the announcer came on and it sounded like someone had hijacked the radio - the guy actually sounded like a DJ or a game show entertainer. He was asking for requests and I thought he would start playing a dance floor classic on board a Friday evening service!!! All the passengers actually looked at one another quite puzzled and amazed. It took a couple of minutes before the announcer actually went through the station stops and confirmed he was in fact the train manager or conductor (not sure if TPE have TMs). The guy clearly had quite an over the top personality which isn't a bad thing but I can imagine he would probably get a bollocking from his supervisor if they ever get wind of what he does.

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Steddenm · 18 Feb 2020

Had a VT train manager once come on the PA interrupting the automated announcements with...

"Oh how fun. The two local radio station announcers are far too chirpy this time of night. This is the Virgin Trains service to Chester. Next stop, Crewe. If you need me I'm by the shop".

It was said in such a deadpan monotone though like the depressed robot in Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

coradiafan2000 · 18 Feb 2020

Steddenm said:
This is the Virgin Trains service to Chester. Next stop, Crewe. If you need me I'm by the shop".

That really is the bare minimum!

43094 · 18 Feb 2020

‘Small, noisy ones’ - yes, that was Steve (ECML Guard of the time).

Bare minimum, more than once in the Skipton - Kings Cross in the morning - ding dong, ‘Leeds’

FenMan · 19 Feb 2020

Digressing, as not a train story.

On a British Midland flight back to London from the old Athens airport (it was a training flight for the crew as the airline didn't normally serve Athens) the chief steward was taking us through the normal pre-flight safety drill in a silky smooth Scottish voice. Halfway through the announcement, the plane hit a large pothole on the apron, lurched and span him sideways at high speed. There was a very loud thud accompanied by a very guttural Glaswegian "f***!"

All on board collapsed with laughter and he got a large round of applause once he'd regained his balance.

algytaylor · 19 Feb 2020

tomwills98 said:
TfW has the singing conductor, https://www.itv.com/news/wales/2019...who-cheers-up-the-commute-for-his-passengers/. Hopefully I've done the below right.

The singing train conductor who cheers up the commute for his passengers

Chris has been writing his own songs for months and performing them while on duty
He may well be the happiest train conductor in Britain.

For the last five months, Chris Edwards from Newport has been singing to his passengers to cheer them up on the commute.

He has even created his own lyrics for each station, and sings every one to the tune of well-known hits.

Chris even does one-on-one performances for his passengers
The singing started about five months ago.

"I do many things like quizzes and puzzles and doing dance breaks in the middle of the train. Having a sing and having a chat is a good thing - I believe in the concept of conversation."

– CHRIS EDWARDS, TRANSPORT FOR WALES

He has written more than 80 songs derived from classic hits that informs the passengers what station is approaching.

*To the tune of 'I'm A Believer' by Smash Mouth*
When you leave bom bom bom bom
Then it's round the bend
Do do do do
Oh this Risca
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
Yes this is it
Ooooh
This is Risca
Sunny Risca
Next in line
– ONE OF CHRIS' SONGS

Long-time music fan Chris has been entertaining passengers for a while, with some posting videos on social media of his performances.

Had him on the train in North Wales a couple of times, I think ... if it's the same chap, he's great.

Think there's an art to the announcements. You generally want them quite short, informative, and with just enough personality about them that you can recognise the person of you travel regularly. Might be humour, equally there's a TfW guard who always warns people about the gap at Earlestown, which most don't bother with. Generally long announcements can be a bit irritating, although the singing dude has the force of personality to pull it off.

Bletchleyite · 19 Feb 2020

Steddenm said:
Had a VT train manager once come on the PA interrupting the automated announcements with...

"Oh how fun. The two local radio station announcers are far too chirpy this time of night. This is the Virgin Trains service to Chester. Next stop, Crewe. If you need me I'm by the shop".

It was said in such a deadpan monotone though like the depressed robot in Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

I imagined that in the Red Dwarf "Hollie" Brummie accent myself.

"Everybody's dead, Dave"...which is what it feels like on the 2330 Euston-Brum; by the time it gets anywhere near MKC everyone is asleep pretty much.

Mrs. Fortescue · 19 Feb 2020

tomwills98 said:
TfW has the singing conductor, https://www.itv.com/news/wales/2019...who-cheers-up-the-commute-for-his-passengers/. Hopefully I've done the below right.

The singing train conductor who cheers up the commute for his passengers

Chris has been writing his own songs for months and performing them while on duty
He may well be the happiest train conductor in Britain.

For the last five months, Chris Edwards from Newport has been singing to his passengers to cheer them up on the commute.

He has even created his own lyrics for each station, and sings every one to the tune of well-known hits.

Chris even does one-on-one performances for his passengers
The singing started about five months ago.

"I do many things like quizzes and puzzles and doing dance breaks in the middle of the train. Having a sing and having a chat is a good thing - I believe in the concept of conversation."

– CHRIS EDWARDS, TRANSPORT FOR WALES

He has written more than 80 songs derived from classic hits that informs the passengers what station is approaching.

*To the tune of 'I'm A Believer' by Smash Mouth*
When you leave bom bom bom bom
Then it's round the bend
Do do do do
Oh this Risca
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
Yes this is it
Ooooh
This is Risca
Sunny Risca
Next in line
– ONE OF CHRIS' SONGS

Long-time music fan Chris has been entertaining passengers for a while, with some posting videos on social media of his performances.

very slightly amusing the first time - however, when you’re half an hour late home from work because of the trains and you have had a rough day in work, these repetitive and irritating announcements get annoying VERY quickly.

Icky Qualms · 19 Feb 2020

Anybody old enough to remember when BBC's Richard Spendlove was the station announcer at Cambridge?

Skiddaw · 19 Feb 2020

Can't contribute anything really but what a wonderful thread!

Matt_pool · 19 Feb 2020

On a Merseyrail train a few years ago on a crowded, rush hour service in the middle of winter. Everyone is rammed in like sardines, coughing and sneezing with colds, and sweating because the heating was turned right up!

The train departs Liverpool Central and the guard announces: "the next stop is everyone's favourite: Moorfields!".

Moorfields is in Liverpool's business district and the train was full of office workers, including myself, about to start another week of tedium!

It did actually bring a brief smile to most people's faces, until reality kicked in!

And on a Northern service operated by a packed 150, calling at all stations from Manchester Oxford Road, as we went through the tunnels at Edge Hill the guard announced: "Thank you for travelling on this Northern Pendolino service; the next station is Liverpool Lime Street where this train terminates"!

Steve Harris · 19 Feb 2020

Icky Qualms said:
Anybody old enough to remember when BBC's Richard Spendlove was the station announcer at Cambridge?

Yep.

Another Cambridge great was Guard John Impey. Always helpful and amusing (although can't really remember his PA announcements 30 years later).

prod_pep · 19 Feb 2020

Bletchleyite said:
I imagined that in the Red Dwarf "Hollie" Brummie accent myself.

Sorry for the off-topic pedantry here, but Holly's accent wasn't Brummie. It's more a working class Southern accent; the original actor Norman Lovett is from Berkshire.

ChewChewTrain · 19 Feb 2020

A few years ago on a packed Tube train, the engine did its "cutting out" thing just after the train had moved off from a station. The driver came on to explain that the reason for that was that passengers were pushing on the doors from the inside.

He then said "So please don't do that, because it will delay your journey. And also, it makes me very, very angry."

Quite a few people laughed. And I think about it quite often, to this day.

Tom B · 19 Feb 2020

GNER - approaching Doncaster from the north -
"We'll shortly be arriving in Debonaire Doncaster... if you'd like to look out of the left hand side windows, you'll see one of the town's key attractions"
(perfectly timed as the municipal sewage works passed)

LU - I've heard
"Will you please stand clear of the doors. Until you do, we can't go anywhere. Now I don't mind, I get paid overtime, you lot probably want to go home though"

JWB_ · 19 Feb 2020

I once had a very cheery conducter on a Cross Country train coming down from Newcastle. Can't remember all the things he said but something about the roof terrace being closed and that unicycling was not permitted where mentioned.

kc_ · 19 Feb 2020

TPE conductor on a morning service into Manchester a few years ago as we were approaching Deansgate: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we'll hopefully be arriving at Oxford Road some time today. In the mean time, to your left you'll find some lovely Canadian geese." <Puts mic down, and lifts it again shortly> "Actually, are they Canadian geese? If anyone's a bird watcher, and not the metal type, find me at the back of the train, I'd love a chat."

ChewChewTrain · 20 Feb 2020

Only a few months ago, I was on a late-night GWR train that was waiting at Slough for its scheduled departure. I presume that the driver was passing the time by watching us through the various CCTV cameras, because he suddenly came on and said: "Good evening, sir. [Pause] No, don't do that with your hand. Good boy!"

Not that I was the offending party, but given how few people were on the train, it's perfectly possible that he (I assume!) had a carriage to himself. Still, if he was that desperate then it's not like the train didn't have toilets.

ChiefPlanner · 20 Feb 2020

Many years ago , on a 455 heading from Wimbledon to Waterloo , quite early the conductor / guard advised us of a fine rainbow - to the extent he had buzzed the driver to slow down so we could enjoy it.....

Calshaw21 · 21 Feb 2020

C J Snarzell said:
I was on a TPE service recently from York to Manchester and the announcer came on and it sounded like someone had hijacked the radio - the guy actually sounded like a DJ or a game show entertainer. He was asking for requests and I thought he would start playing a dance floor classic on board a Friday evening service!!! All the passengers actually looked at one another quite puzzled and amazed. It took a couple of minutes before the announcer actually went through the station stops and confirmed he was in fact the train manager or conductor (not sure if TPE have TMs). The guy clearly had quite an over the top personality which isn't a bad thing but I can imagine he would probably get a bollocking from his supervisor if they ever get wind of what he does.

That was more than likely me

When I've got trains full of football fans on a Saturday afternoon if give them live football scores

I try to lighten the mood of the train, if everyone is happy then there is no conflict on the trains, which in turn means all the passengers get to where they need to be happy, one time and safe.

I go by the philosophy of being different. I appreciate that not everyone enjoys the announcements but in a world where everyone has their heads in their phone it's often nice to get everyone talking about something different.

Momo and diggy · 21 Feb 2020

Heard at Manchester victori a in the 1970s the train at platform 14 is the mystery trip to Scarborough oh! Sh*t

Stampy · 21 Feb 2020

Can't remember if it was on a Thameslink or a GN train, on a Sunday last year.

Just after leaving Finsbury Park, the driver came on the tannoy.....

"Just a reminder Ladies and Gentlemen that we are approaching London King's Cross, our final stop......... Because if we DON'T stop there, it's a LOT of paperwork"

Dave W · 21 Feb 2020

The day of Lampard's "goal" against Germany at the 2010 World Cup, I was in Clitheroe at a mate's house for his birthday. We left after England had been knocked out, on the train back to Preston.

Vividly remember the guard coming on in the middle of nowhere and saying "Forget about the football, England have beaten Australia by one wicket!!!" and there being a smattering of "c'mon"s down the train.

fusionblue · 21 Feb 2020

My favourite announcements will always be when the networkers PA's is all garbled and you get "the next heworhfewflfgeurgueifgilqgfielfgek" and get incomprehensible gibberish.

Computers can be funny too (even if we dont understand)

jken418 · 21 Feb 2020

"We hope you have enjoyed travelling with Northern today."

Matt_pool · 21 Feb 2020

jken418 said:
"We hope you have enjoyed travelling with Northern today."

Yes, that one is the best, especially when the train is packed and everyone has their noses underneath each others armpits, or the train is running 20 minutes late and you're going to be late for work! :lol:

js1000 · 21 Feb 2020

"Apologies this train was 6 minutes late departing from Manchester Piccadilly - although that was fortuitous for about 20 of you"

The automated "due to an unusually large passenger flow" cancellation reason also makes me laugh.

Adrian1980uk · 21 Feb 2020

js1000 said:
"Apologies this train was 6 minutes late departing from Manchester Piccadilly - although that was fortuitous for about 20 of you"

The automated "due to an unusually large passenger flow" cancellation reason also makes me laugh.

It's fortunate they add flow on the end

kc_ · 21 Feb 2020

Can't remember which station it was, but on one of Northern's 331s running in multi last week to BPN, the ASDO doesn't seem to have been fully working, and made an announcement that "train doors at the rear won't open because the platform is too short." Very quickly interrupted by the guard with something along the lines of, "The platform wasn't too short last time I checked, they will be opening. Ignore the stupid computer."

kc_ · 21 Feb 2020

Adrian1980uk said:
It's fortunate they add flow on the end

You still get pictures on the various UK subreddits taken as the message is scrolling, and the word "flow" is cut off.

Train announcements with a sense of humour

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