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Train announcements with a sense of humour

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43066

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500px-Train_wreck_at_Montparnasse_1895.jpg

(Montparnasse 1895)

That was title photo of the WhatsApp group of drivers I trained with. :D
 
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Merle Haggard

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Two memories from the Midland Main Line about the time of privatisation. The first was the helpful and jolly buffet attendant. She unfortunately had a speech impediment (severe lisp) but was still happily readfor instance, scripts such as 'a wide selection of sweet and savoury snacks....'.
And the St P conductor guard, a regular on the 1730 L/H Derby, who, after introducing himself, very helpfully announced every possible connection en route, before departure from London. Useful to know that, by changing at Leicester one could travel to Norwich or Birmingham (though not the even more useful information; alight now and go to Liverpool St or Euston for a much earlier arrival!). The best was 'change at Leicester for Stanstead Airport'; a more knowledgeable passenger told me one Friday night that, if you followed his advice, a hotel stay at Leicester would be required.
But they both tried; when p.a. was first introduced it remained often silent even during the severest delays.
 

Bletchleyite

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I've seen that on the displays at Portsmouth Harbour as well, even funnier there given the sheer drop into the water the other side of the concourse...

:)

I'm not sure why ATOS Annie hasn't got a switch between that being the default and the equivalent of Phil Sayer's rather authoritative "Stand away from the train on platform X, this train is not in service" which would be more appropriate for an arrival with no presently matched departure.

Mind you, if the screens at New St *still* use the phrase "this service is not in service"...
 

Metal_gee_man

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43066

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Hopefully not intended as something to aspire to in their careers? :lol:

As operational incidents go, that would be quite an impressive one. Ideally just before retirement. Leaving your career “with a bang”. :lol:
 

Steddenm

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Recently on an LNER service from KGX to EDB:

We will shortly be arriving at the picturesque town of Peterborough

The next station call on this service will be the beautiful Doncaster

Change here at York for services to sunny Scarborough, humongous Hull and hearty Harrogate

We are now approaching the sprawling metropolis of Northallerton

Change here at Newcsstle to be whizzed around the city on the Tyne and Wear Metro, the Metro Centre by rail, local bus services to all the outposts of the city, Newcastle Airport and ferry services to escape Newcastle.
 

TheWalrus

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TfW has the singing conductor, https://www.itv.com/news/wales/2019...who-cheers-up-the-commute-for-his-passengers/. Hopefully I've done the below right.

The singing train conductor who cheers up the commute for his passengers

Chris has been writing his own songs for months and performing them while on duty
He may well be the happiest train conductor in Britain.


For the last five months, Chris Edwards from Newport has been singing to his passengers to cheer them up on the commute.

He has even created his own lyrics for each station, and sings every one to the tune of well-known hits.

Chris even does one-on-one performances for his passengers
The singing started about five months ago.

"I do many things like quizzes and puzzles and doing dance breaks in the middle of the train. Having a sing and having a chat is a good thing - I believe in the concept of conversation."

– CHRIS EDWARDS, TRANSPORT FOR WALES

He has written more than 80 songs derived from classic hits that informs the passengers what station is approaching.

*To the tune of 'I'm A Believer' by Smash Mouth*
When you leave bom bom bom bom
Then it's round the bend
Do do do do
Oh this Risca
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
Yes this is it
Ooooh
This is Risca
Sunny Risca
Next in line
– ONE OF CHRIS' SONGS


Long-time music fan Chris has been entertaining passengers for a while, with some posting videos on social media of his performances.
Sure it must have been him I had on the Maesteg to Cardiff last week. He sang as we cane into Bridgend, Pencoed and Cardiff.
 

Whistler40145

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In the days of InterCity West Coast, I was travelling from Preston to London Euston and the train manager with a broad East Lancashire accent read out the weather forecast and ended the announcement with have a good un
 

M60lad

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I'm surprised nobody has mentioned Poetry Patrick on Virgin/Avanti West Coast who always announces the opening of the shop with a witty Poem
 

hermit

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Once approaching Havant the station name was pronounced with a strong French accent - to rhyme with mah-jongg. Quite appropriate as Havant does indeed look like a French place name.
The guard then when on to do the same at Fratton (emphasis on the second syllable) and Portsmoos and Southsea (very difficult for francophones). Joke wearing thin by then.
 

ComUtoR

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Once approaching Havant the station name was pronounced with a strong French accent - to rhyme with mah-jongg. Quite appropriate as Havant does indeed look like a French place name.
The guard then when on to do the same at Fratton (emphasis on the second syllable) and Portsmoos and Southsea (very difficult for francophones). Joke wearing thin by then.

I know of at least two Drivers who are native French. One used to be a Guard. Have you considered that the Guard may have actually been French ?
 

hermit

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I know of at least two Drivers who are native French. One used to be a Guard. Have you considered that the Guard may have actually been French ?
I don’t think so - the rest of the announcements were in normal estuary English, so I’m pretty sure it was a joke.
 

Jamiescott1

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Theres a driver for chiltern who gives extremely detailed announcements. For example "first stop which is 23 miles away is high wycombe"
 

DMN42

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As we were a couple of minutes out from Waterloo, the guards usually give an update on how the underground is running.

One particular morning, all services were good, except the there were delays on the district line due to shortage of drivers. He then said, "and of any of you are considering a career change, how about becoming a driver on the district line - sound like there are lots of openings".
 

IamTrainsYT

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It would get pounced upon by the media and by the professionally offended if it had happened, but the troll in me wanted (at the tail end of last year when the meme was going) an announcement to drop a "Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself" into the middle of running through the stops. Preferably on a line like the Heart of Wales where there's plenty to hide it amongst!
hidden between the 45 stops of Aberdeen - Penzance ;)
 

RLBH

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I've seen that on the displays at Portsmouth Harbour as well, even funnier there given the sheer drop into the water the other side of the concourse...
Trialling a new non-stop service from Waterloo to Shanklin, perhaps?
 

rpjs

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Back in the 2000s there was a conductor on what’s now Southeastern who would announce Sittingbourne as “Sittingbourne International. Change here for international services to the Isle of Sheppey.”

These days I commute (when there’s no coronavirus) on the Metro-North Railroad Hudson line into New York City. The first stop on outbound evening expresses is Tarrytown, New York. One of the Metro-North conductors sometimes announces on approach to it, “Watch the gap between the train and the platform, don’t fall down in Tarrytown!”
 

61653 HTAFC

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Another planet...
I'm sure at some point a guard or station announcer will have (deliberately or otherwise) Spoonerised the two Lincolnshire coastal towns at the end of the South TPE route... Crimsby and Gleethorpes!
 

Class800

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Birmingham New Street - it is hard to write how he said it to a general audience, unless people know the International Phonetic Alphabet?

But he just said it in a really strong Birmingham accent really.

And the two Bristol stations in a strong Bristolian/West Country accent. Although he did announce Bristol Temple Meads 'normally' on final approach after announcing it twice in the local accent - probably in case any foreigners/non locals needed to connect them.

In the local accent versions of both Bristol stations, Bristol was 'Brizzle'
 

4REP

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i have heard this announcement on a swt journey years ago(part of it)
our first port of call will be clapham junction then we will be whisking our way down to farnborough then wending our way down the mainline to Basingstoke then flowing down to winchester then easing into southampton airport parkway then knocking on southampton centrals doors ...(were back in the days of the swt shuttle in the 90s when i were on a cig/bep formation on waterloo - southampton service. i remember that announcement well.
 

43066

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I know of at least two Drivers who are native French. One used to be a Guard. Have you considered that the Guard may have actually been French ?

I know of a certain French guard who complained to a driver that nobody ever listened to her on-train announcements.

He advised her to start every announcement with: “listen very carefully, I will say this only once” (an Allo Allo catchphrase, said with the appropriate strong French accent).

She took his advice, and wondered why trainloads of passengers kept collapsing into laughter, until the penny finally dropped... :lol:
 
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Bi-lingual announcements - English and Spanish - on Northern's 13.21 Hull - Scarborough service last Saturday (14th March)

Not being a Spanish speaker I guess I should really say it sounded Spanish! But it created lots of laughter, and I heard one person comment on how nice it was to hear something like that when all news was about Coronavirus
 

43094

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At least one occasion on GNER where an announcement was done first in Finnish (the nationality of the Guard)
 

David Goddard

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Many years ago I was on a Birmingham to Cambridge service, and before arriving at March station the conductor, who was of West Indian descent, proclaimed "We are shortly approaching March, and after leaving March will call at April, May and June"
 

rg177

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Bi-lingual announcements - English and Spanish - on Northern's 13.21 Hull - Scarborough service last Saturday (14th March)

Not being a Spanish speaker I guess I should really say it sounded Spanish! But it created lots of laughter, and I heard one person comment on how nice it was to hear something like that when all news was about Coronavirus

I remember travelling on an early Stansted Express service one morning when the auto announcements were bust and the driver tried to do his own multi lingual affair.

Unfortunately "Mad dams et monsewers, Stansted Airport, terminale", while a stellar attempt, probably didn't further any French tourists' understanding :lol:

His German attempt however was much, much better.
 

2L70

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Many years ago I was on a Birmingham to Cambridge service, and before arriving at March station the conductor, who was of West Indian descent, proclaimed "We are shortly approaching March, and after leaving March will call at April, May and June"

You could write a list of his announcements.

Along with his sidekick who liked his rhymes.

Both gone now, Victims of failing to live up to the Corporate Image.
 
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