Railway Jokes

Hi guys
Sorry if this has been done before but i was wondering if any of you knew any good rail related jokes?

I've got one to get us started.

Two Gents were wandering through a forrest, when they come across a set of tracks.
The first Gent says "ah they're rabbit tracks".
The other says " no no no they're deer tracks".

They were still argueing half an hour later when the train hit them........

boom boom

Mods if i've put this in the wrong place sorry please move it..

A little bit mess room, this one...


"'Ere, Fred, you'll never guess what I found today. A girl tied to the railway tracks! Like something from a silent film it was!"

"Jesus Joe, what did you do?"

"Well, I untied her, and we made mad passionate love as a way of thanks!"

"Wow, that's really something! Was she a good looker?"

"Not sure, I couldn't find her head!"

Couple of rhymes passed down from the ex-BR blokes.....

"The guard is the man, asleep in the van
the van at the back of the train.
The driver up front, thinks the guard is a c**t
and the guard thinks the driver's the same!"

"The guard is the man, asleep in the van
dreaming of making a fiver.
When he awakes, he screws on the brakes
and blames the delay on the driver!"

A model railway joke:

There is a well-known layout on the exhibition circuit, which represents an East Coast port and dockside, and is famous for its prototypical fish trains, modelled fully to scale.
At one exhibition, a chap approaches one of the operators and says 'Look, I work for a *major* banana import company. If you were to see fit to change the fish trains to banana trains, we could make it worth your while, if you know what I mean?'
The operator explains that the fish trains are an intrinsic part of the layout scheme, and it's no deal.
The chap makes an offer. 'Tell you what, let's say £5000. How's that?'
Operator says no, sorry, we can't do it.
He increases the offer to £7000. Still no deal.
He says 'OK, I can go to £10000, but it's my final offer'.
The operator says OK, in principle but he'll have to speak to the rest of the club, and he'll let him know.
At the end of that day's show, the operating team are in the pub, and he pipes up.
'Listen lads, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news first. We've lost the Birds Eye sponsorship...'

network rail

... I'll get my coat

Elvis Presley was fond of trains, which is why he sang "Love Me Tender"

Q. Why are ghosts no good at running a railway?

A. Because they can't even put on a skeleton service!

I tried to get to work by train this morning, they said "Today there is a Bus replacement service"
So I gave them a tin of pineapple chunks.
They said "What's that?"
I said "That's my money replacement service."
~Milton Jones

Q: At which station would you find Aleksandr Orlov?

A: Meerkat Harborough.