A Happy New Labour Christmas
Following various rumours and media reports relating to the mouth-wateringly exciting changes and developments being made to the tradition of Christmas, we are pleased to announce officially that we can provide a summary of the thrilling improvements being made this year:
Christmas The term "Christmas" may be offensive to some Jew or Muslim somewhere in the world. The fact that no Jew or Muslim has ever complained about this word is irrelevant; the state has decided that "Christmas" is an anti-Semitic and Islamophobic word, and it is to be outlawed immediately. From this year onwards, the more inclusive word "Winterval" is to be used. Use of the word "Christmas" is now an offence under the "religious hate law", and can therefore result in a two-year prison spell and a loss of one's home and all personal belongings.
Christmas Eve
The use of the word "Eve" is Christiano-normative, suggesting as it does that the Christian account of human creation is the most relevant. Some Wiccan, Pagan, Buddhist, Sikh, Hindu, Voodoo or Satanist somewhere in the world may therefore be upset by the phrase "Christmas Eve". Therefore, the more inclusive term "the brief temporal period leading up to Winterval" is to be used from this year onwards.
Santa Claus The depiction of a white man in a suit violates the race discrimination act 1976 on two counts: 1) A white Santa works to the detriment of ethnic groups, and might upset someone somewhere, whether intended or not. 2) The Santa uniform might prevent some racial groups from applying for the job, because their cultural background imposes certain dress standards that are not compatible with a white beard, corpulent red suit and hat. In order to ensure that the institution of Santa Claus is made more inclusive, a new standardised Santa suit is to be created, consisting of a Muslim headdress, Jewish beard, stockings and suspenders and moccasins. In addition, Santa's face is to be painted in a "racially inclusive gradation", gradually changing from black as the ace of spades at the top of the face to white as snow at the bottom. This is to prevent white from being seen as above black, thus destroying any notions of White supremacy, and therefore reversing 500 years of hurt. Employment tribunals are on standby over the festive season to enforce this highly important piece of legislation.
Giving of presents It is unfair to discriminate between "naughty" and "nice". These words are to be made illegal, and their use carries a potential three-month prison sentence and £500 fine. Instead, the following phrases are to be used: "up to the requirements set by parents, guardians and any other caregivers" and "a deferred matching of the requirements set by parents, guardians and any other caregivers". In either case, the same number of presents is to be distributed to each child in the household. Furthermore, new EU guidelines state that the total sum of presents given to each child is to be of a similar size, weight, value and gender orientation.
Reindeer Male reindeer lose their antlers in early winter, whereas female reindeer retain theirs until early spring. Because Christmas cards and garlands depict reindeer as having antlers, this suggests that women do all of the work, or at least should do. Therefore, reindeer are sexist, and are to be replaced by snails, which contain both sets of sexual organs and are therefore more inclusive. Any person indulging in buying, selling or using sexist depictions of reindeer will be subjected to a new "gender hate law", which could result in a two year spell in prison and a £10,000 fine.
Ho Ho Ho The phrase "Ho" is misogynistic, and may therefore be offensive to women. To say it once is bad enough, but to blatantly commit a sexist crime three times in a row (by saying "Ho Ho Ho") is utterly unacceptable, and will be dealt with in accordance with the new "gender hate law" discussed above (see "reindeer").
Health and safety If you eat or drink too much, then controversial guidance from the Health Service drugs rationing watchdog will take your greed into account, and you may be denied medical care. To get around this, it is suggested that each family carry out a pre-emptive health and safety risk assessment to ensure that, as far as is reasonably practicable, you and your family do not exceed the government guidelines for merrymaking. Of course, this is New Labour, so no such guidelines exist (otherwise the public would know where it stands and would therefore have a degree of independence from state control); instead, family arbitration services will be set up to decide, on a whim, who has violated these nebulous, non-existent "merry making" guidelines. The "service user" will be charged £250 an hour if called to attend a family arbitration tribunal. All money from fines will be collected by the quango that was set up to investigate the institutionally bigoted notion of Christmas. As a result of collecting these fines, next year, the quango will be able to socially engineer and interfere in many more areas where it is neither wanted nor needed.
Following various rumours and media reports relating to the mouth-wateringly exciting changes and developments being made to the tradition of Christmas, we are pleased to announce officially that we can provide a summary of the thrilling improvements being made this year:
Christmas The term "Christmas" may be offensive to some Jew or Muslim somewhere in the world. The fact that no Jew or Muslim has ever complained about this word is irrelevant; the state has decided that "Christmas" is an anti-Semitic and Islamophobic word, and it is to be outlawed immediately. From this year onwards, the more inclusive word "Winterval" is to be used. Use of the word "Christmas" is now an offence under the "religious hate law", and can therefore result in a two-year prison spell and a loss of one's home and all personal belongings.
Christmas Eve
The use of the word "Eve" is Christiano-normative, suggesting as it does that the Christian account of human creation is the most relevant. Some Wiccan, Pagan, Buddhist, Sikh, Hindu, Voodoo or Satanist somewhere in the world may therefore be upset by the phrase "Christmas Eve". Therefore, the more inclusive term "the brief temporal period leading up to Winterval" is to be used from this year onwards.
Santa Claus The depiction of a white man in a suit violates the race discrimination act 1976 on two counts: 1) A white Santa works to the detriment of ethnic groups, and might upset someone somewhere, whether intended or not. 2) The Santa uniform might prevent some racial groups from applying for the job, because their cultural background imposes certain dress standards that are not compatible with a white beard, corpulent red suit and hat. In order to ensure that the institution of Santa Claus is made more inclusive, a new standardised Santa suit is to be created, consisting of a Muslim headdress, Jewish beard, stockings and suspenders and moccasins. In addition, Santa's face is to be painted in a "racially inclusive gradation", gradually changing from black as the ace of spades at the top of the face to white as snow at the bottom. This is to prevent white from being seen as above black, thus destroying any notions of White supremacy, and therefore reversing 500 years of hurt. Employment tribunals are on standby over the festive season to enforce this highly important piece of legislation.
Giving of presents It is unfair to discriminate between "naughty" and "nice". These words are to be made illegal, and their use carries a potential three-month prison sentence and £500 fine. Instead, the following phrases are to be used: "up to the requirements set by parents, guardians and any other caregivers" and "a deferred matching of the requirements set by parents, guardians and any other caregivers". In either case, the same number of presents is to be distributed to each child in the household. Furthermore, new EU guidelines state that the total sum of presents given to each child is to be of a similar size, weight, value and gender orientation.
Reindeer Male reindeer lose their antlers in early winter, whereas female reindeer retain theirs until early spring. Because Christmas cards and garlands depict reindeer as having antlers, this suggests that women do all of the work, or at least should do. Therefore, reindeer are sexist, and are to be replaced by snails, which contain both sets of sexual organs and are therefore more inclusive. Any person indulging in buying, selling or using sexist depictions of reindeer will be subjected to a new "gender hate law", which could result in a two year spell in prison and a £10,000 fine.
Ho Ho Ho The phrase "Ho" is misogynistic, and may therefore be offensive to women. To say it once is bad enough, but to blatantly commit a sexist crime three times in a row (by saying "Ho Ho Ho") is utterly unacceptable, and will be dealt with in accordance with the new "gender hate law" discussed above (see "reindeer").
Health and safety If you eat or drink too much, then controversial guidance from the Health Service drugs rationing watchdog will take your greed into account, and you may be denied medical care. To get around this, it is suggested that each family carry out a pre-emptive health and safety risk assessment to ensure that, as far as is reasonably practicable, you and your family do not exceed the government guidelines for merrymaking. Of course, this is New Labour, so no such guidelines exist (otherwise the public would know where it stands and would therefore have a degree of independence from state control); instead, family arbitration services will be set up to decide, on a whim, who has violated these nebulous, non-existent "merry making" guidelines. The "service user" will be charged £250 an hour if called to attend a family arbitration tribunal. All money from fines will be collected by the quango that was set up to investigate the institutionally bigoted notion of Christmas. As a result of collecting these fines, next year, the quango will be able to socially engineer and interfere in many more areas where it is neither wanted nor needed.
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