Amusing on-train announcements

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Max

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I'm sure we've had a topic like this before, but I wanted to bring it back up again after what I heard on the train yesterday. It was the 09:39 TPE 185 Hull-Manchester Piccadilly. Normally, the guard just lets the auto-announcer do everything, but yesterday, the guard on duty decided to add bits to the ends of the announcemnts.

At Selby, the announcer says 'this train is approaching Selby', after which the guard says 'please remember to take all luggage and small personal items such as mobile phones and small children' whereupon there was a huge laugh through the train. He then comes back to say 'well, we have known them to stowaway under the tables before!'.

:lol:
 
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gordonthemoron

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New Year's Eve 1992 I believe. KX-Newcastle 16:30, guard announces the train as:

This is the 16:30 departure to Newcastle, the Centre of the Universe
 

asopu10

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I've not had much really, though I heard one guy who loved to put extra emphasis on nottingha, and said it really slow so it would be, Attenbourgh, Beeston, Nottttinghammmmmm. The services I get don't have a auto anoucer so they either do it them selves (or more often) don't do it and just have the screens anuce the stops, when there working.
 

Jordy

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Before the 185 woman took over, there was the TPE guard who used to make really, really long announcements.

"Gooood morrrning ladies and gentlemen, and a very warm welcome to those of you joining us at grimsby townnnn. This is the 0726, first keolis transpennine express service, through to manchester international airport. This train will be calling at, habrough, barnetby - for humberside international airport, with taxis available, then continuing to scunthorpe, after which this train will run fast to doncaster, then calling meadowhall for all you shoppers, sheffield, stockport as long as its open, manchester piccadilly, then all the tiddley little stations through to the airport, where we are due to arrive at 1033. First class accomodation is available on this servicce, this is clearly identified on the seat headrests, by the red seats, funny coloured tables, lamps and fluffy armrests. Passangers travelling in this part of the train with a standard class ticket will be kicked out. We do have an onboard catering manager onboard today, actually that doesnt make sense, nevermine - thats the guy with the trolly by the way, he will serve you with drinks, hot and cold snacks and light refreshments at your seats. I would like to ask passangers to ensure they read the safety notices, these are located near the exit doors and in the back of our timetables, today you are travelling on a twoo car class 158 unit, pleeeeeease ensure you read the correct safety information. If I can be of any further help, please ask. Once again this is the This is the 0726, first keolis transpennine express service from grimsby town, through to manchester international airport, thankyou."

:lol:

Jordy
 

David

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I've been on a couple of trains with him before. He really is quality :lol:
 

Max

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ROFL I remember that guy, he was awesome, and at Doncaster he announced about 30 different connecting destinations :lol:

The announcements on Hull Trains are very long too, they last until well out of Hull ;)
 

DJC_158

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not so much an announcement for stations, but a few weeks ago i was on one of the Arriva trains wales services leaving cardiff central.

as we left the usual
"welcome aboard please listen to the following announcement for your.........." at which point the guard said "shut up" and then promptly turned it off.

thought it was rather amusing as they usually leave them to play all the way through-
 

Respite

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not so much an announcement for stations, but a few weeks ago i was on one of the Arriva trains wales services leaving cardiff central.

as we left the usual
"welcome aboard please listen to the following announcement for your.........." at which point the guard said "shut up" and then promptly turned it off.

thought it was rather amusing as they usually leave them to play all the way through-

That bloody woman gets on my nerves so bad,in sprinters you can normally hear it in the cab & on a long drive like Cardiff to Manchester it really grates.Can't reach the machine from the driving position as its on the secondmans side.
175's have a load of inbuilt messages,some of which are just quality.They are all accesed from the TMS system which is daft as the TMS will only work in the cab that is keyed in & I'm normally kinda busy to be setting up announcments with all that driving stuff going on!

Cardiff is my fav for station announcments,especially when on one platform you have the automated bloke doing one train in welsh whilst on another platform the automated women announcer is doing a different train in english.Makes it really hard to figure out where the train is. Sometimes it's even better when half way through an automated announcement the Welsh real announcer/station chargemen suddenly shouts out a platform alteration normally to mysteig(sp?) or similar."YOUR TRAIN FOR MYSTEIG IS ON PLATFORM 6,MYSTEIG PLATFORM 6"...class.
 

HSTfan!!!

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. Sometimes it's even better when half way through an automated announcement the Welsh real announcer/station chargemen suddenly shouts out a platform alteration normally to mysteig(sp?) or similar."YOUR TRAIN FOR MYSTEIG IS ON PLATFORM 6,MYSTEIG PLATFORM 6"...class.

Maesteg ;)
 

O L Leigh

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Didn't hear it myself, but...

During the summer we took delivery of our (ahem) "new" Cl317/8 StanEx units. You know the ones; exactly like they were before going to Wabtec, but now painted bright blue. Anyhoo, one of the innovations on these is a PIS system with LED destination indicators and screens inside the coaches (although the initial configuration for the system was just for the external destination indicators only). These worked great for a few weeks, after which they all appeared to melt in the heat and stop working. Any code you entered would give the error message "Incorrect Code".

Feeling a trifle bored whilst waiting at STN I decided to go on a "fishing expedition" to try and prove that the PIS wasn't actually broken but just a bit confused. So, I start hammering in codes almost at random and getting nowhere. However, after a few minutes I strike gold when the internal display brings up "SWT Demo". So, as this is the first code I've stuck in that hadn't come back incorrect, I accept it. Stroll outside and have a look at the front and, sure enough, it says "Clapham Jn" on the front of my train.

The problem was that, having got this up, I couldn't then get rid of it. But then, given that no-one pays the blindest bit of attention to what it says on the front of the train, I decide to ignore it for the moment and sort it out when I get to LST.

All went well for a while. I stopped at Bishops Stortford and no-one seemed to look twice at the destination. However, as I was going down to Tottenham Hale I notice that the PA light keeps going on for a few seconds every few minutes. I try and buzz up the train host on the intercom to find out what's going on but I can't get any answer, so I decide to leave it until I get to Tottenham Hale.

When I get there, I try the intercom again with no luck. In the end, I had to ask the trolley-dolly who had got off there what was going on. "Oh yeah", she says. "It's announcing that the train is for Clapham Junction". At this point the train host comes through into the cab and is not looking best pleased. It seems that he'd had to explain to everyone (almost individually) that the train really was going to LST in spite of what the announcement was saying.

I didn't even know that the PIS we had would do this. So I quickly make a PA and blame it on a fault with the PIS.

one TN
 

Sprog

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Didn't hear it myself, but...

During the summer we took delivery of our (ahem) "new" Cl317/8 StanEx units. You know the ones; exactly like they were before going to Wabtec, but now painted bright blue. Anyhoo, one of the innovations on these is a PIS system with LED destination indicators and screens inside the coaches (although the initial configuration for the system was just for the external destination indicators only). These worked great for a few weeks, after which they all appeared to melt in the heat and stop working. Any code you entered would give the error message "Incorrect Code".

Feeling a trifle bored whilst waiting at STN I decided to go on a "fishing expedition" to try and prove that the PIS wasn't actually broken but just a bit confused. So, I start hammering in codes almost at random and getting nowhere. However, after a few minutes I strike gold when the internal display brings up "SWT Demo". So, as this is the first code I've stuck in that hadn't come back incorrect, I accept it. Stroll outside and have a look at the front and, sure enough, it says "Clapham Jn" on the front of my train.

The problem was that, having got this up, I couldn't then get rid of it. But then, given that no-one pays the blindest bit of attention to what it says on the front of the train, I decide to ignore it for the moment and sort it out when I get to LST.

All went well for a while. I stopped at Bishops Stortford and no-one seemed to look twice at the destination. However, as I was going down to Tottenham Hale I notice that the PA light keeps going on for a few seconds every few minutes. I try and buzz up the train host on the intercom to find out what's going on but I can't get any answer, so I decide to leave it until I get to Tottenham Hale.

When I get there, I try the intercom again with no luck. In the end, I had to ask the trolley-dolly who had got off there what was going on. "Oh yeah", she says. "It's announcing that the train is for Clapham Junction". At this point the train host comes through into the cab and is not looking best pleased. It seems that he'd had to explain to everyone (almost individually) that the train really was going to LST in spite of what the announcement was saying.

I didn't even know that the PIS we had would do this. So I quickly make a PA and blame it on a fault with the PIS.

one TN

:lol: :lol:
 

Death

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Morning all! <D
Back around this time last year I was fortunate to hear a very funny exchange over the P.A. system of my train as it was coming to the end of it's Exeter > London Waterloo run. The train itself had been heavily delayed...I think that this was due to a major power supply failure in the Surbiton area and the associated knock-on delay from all electric trains having to take emergency diversions via Staines. Thankfully the train that I was on was a Class 159 (Diesel traction), so we were still able to go into London the fast way! :D
Driver and Guard of an SWT service into London... said:
Guard:
"The next station is London Waterloo. This train terminates here. Please remember to take all personal belongings with you when leaving the train. We would like to apologise for the severe delay to this service, this has been due to a power supply failure at Surbiton causing delays throughout the South West Trains network. The next and final station is London Waterloo."

[A few minutes pass...]

Driver:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your driver speaking. We shall shortly be arriving on platform ten at London Waterloo. We are currently running approximately two hours late. I apologise for this delay and appreciate that you will be arriving at your destination rather late, but if it's any consolation to you all, I and the guard will also be late home tonight as well."

Guard again:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I would like to apologise for the drivers poor sense of humour...I would imagine that we're probably arriving so late because he's been driving with the handbrake on again! Our next and final station is London Waterloo."
I notice though that there's one thing in common with the funny announcements posted thus far: They've all come from Sprinter rolling stock family (Class 15x) trains. Is there an odd design fault in them that causes laughing gas to be leaked into the cabs, or have I just been right all about the Class 158/9 trains being some of the best rolling stock - period? 8)

On another note though...If I once more have to share the quiet coach in a Class 450 with several idiots who all choose to talk loudly on their mobile phones (Despite the "no phone" signage) then I will probably walk over to the unoccupied guards office, jump on the P.A. system and announce something like this:
What to announce when someone uses their mobile in the quiet coach: said:
"Ladies and gentlemen. Please be aware that the fourth and eighth coaches on this train are quiet zones. Therefore, you are reminded that the use of mobile phones in these areas is prohibited. For the benefit of other passengers, those who are currently using their mobile phones in these quiet areas are requested to remove the phone from their ear and insert it firmly up their arse. Many thanks for your co-operation in this matter."
Come on...Who isn't tempted by that idea?!?!? ;):D:lol:

Farewell... <D
>> Death <<
 

compsci

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From this morning.

"Good morning Ladies and Gentelmen, and welcome aboard this First Capital Connect service to London King's Cross, calling at Royston, Ashwell & Morden, Baldock, Letchworth and London King's Cross"

Train starts to move

Emergency brake application. (The train thought that it had divided)

"Oh dear"

It took nearly half an hour of fiddling before they gave up and ran the two units separately, with the front unit a least not stopping between Royston and KX.
 

compsci

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On the 18:45 KX to King's Lynn today:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are now approaching Cambridge, where this train divides. The front 4 coaches will continue to all stations to King's Lynn and the rear 4 coaches will return to King's Cross.

If you require any of the stations to King's Lynn, please ensure that you are in the front four coaches. These are the front four in the direction of travel. If you are in the blue train with red [surely pink?] doors you are in the right part of the train. If you are in the part of the train that looks like a tube of toothpaste you are in the wrong part of the train and will need to move forward. Alternatively please ensure that you are in the part of the train nearest to the station buildings. If you cannot see the station buildings you are in the wrong part of the train. Platform staff will be available to assist you if you have any queries."
 
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