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Comedic "things you would ban" (i.e. minor things that annoy you in a lighthearted way)

py_megapixel

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The concept of this thread is pretty simple. Imagining you were an entirely selfish dictator guaranteed to stay in power for your entire life, and you wanted to make the world 'perfect' from your perspective, what petty things that annoy you would you make illegal?

Let's try to keep this lighthearted please. An example I'll give is ticket booking interfaces where typing a CRS code in the station search field doesn't automatically send the pertinent station to the top of the list.
 
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Peter C

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Nicking an idea from David Frankal on Twitter, I'd ban Have I Got News for You not being on year-round.

-Peter
 

Gloster

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The use of the word ‘prestigious’ in local newspapers. It appears in the head or subhead of items about anyone in your local area who has got past the first qualification stage of any award or competition. “John Smith has got to the quarter-finals of the South Central England section of the prestigious SnappyStick bath plug fitter of the year competition.”
 

Mcr Warrior

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From a railway perspective, CIS screens displaying an already overdue train as "on time" is a petty thing, but still annoying.

Or the CIS screen showing multiple departures from the same platform, often for destinations in opposite directions, and also with the same supposed departure time. Can't both depart at the same time. :rolleyes:
 

Jan Mayen

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Can I ban the people at the other end of this carriage playing music loud enough for me to hear? Please?
 

LSWR Cavalier

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Golf courses in rural areas?
..
Trickery at the food shop.

I noted that butter was on cheap offer so I went to buy two packs. The cheap butter was hidden in a different place, away from the usual butter , but I found it. Guess I am still smarter than the retail psychologists.
 

NorthOxonian

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Train companies claiming that advance tickets are X% cheaper than buying on the day, but comparing advance singles with flexible singles (and ignoring that most people make return journeys). Trainline are worst for it but I'd probably ban them full stop for their litany of sins!

In non railway business, I'd ban gastropubs. Or at least ones which aren't clear that they're restaurants masquerading as pubs! I'd also ban unavoidable booking fees, for things like events - if you have to charge more to cover your costs, fine, but that should be in the ticket price if there's no way around it.
 

Techniquest

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From a purely selfish point of view? Sale of and consumption of meat and other animal products.

The environmentalist in me also wants to ban companies using non-recyclable packaging.

I'd also ban smoking, with really harsh penalties for those who break the ban. I'd also ban alcohol consumption!

From a railway point of view, I'd ban 'see it say it sorted' and the associated 20 years of announcements that go with it. To be replaced by a more suitable safety message, although what I don't know.

For something a little more light-hearted, that's tough as I get proper annoyed about a lot of things :lol: One I would ban is that infernal voice on the Sainsburys self-scan machines, she recorded it so stroppily! Annoys me whenever I'm in there.
 

Gloster

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For something a little more light-hearted, that's tough as I get proper annoyed about a lot of things :lol: One I would ban is that infernal voice on the Sainsburys self-scan machines, she recorded it so stroppily! Annoys me whenever I'm in there.
Yes, a lot of them are bossy, often giving the impression that the attitude is: ‘You’ve finished, so shove off and let us empty somebody else’s pockets.’ However, the voice asking you if you want a receipt in the near-ish Sainsbury’s Local is a different one and is almost apologetic. In the Co-op the opportunity to get a receipt seems to have been designed to appear just when all normal people have their attention elsewhere, but if you are not quick enough the opportunity disappears.

(I always like a receipt: I was once stopped in the street outside a shop after somebody thought I had shoplifted. The manager and the accusing member of staff made a right public exhibition of themselves, but the security guard was rather more controlled. It was only after the appearance of another member of staff who was able to confirm that I wasn’t the (regular) shoplifter that they though I was that I was allowed, somewhat ungraciously, to go.)
 

Railcar

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To ban? Multiple pages on screens at stations that disrupt train information with pages about about engineering work, weekend cancellations, etc. In station ticket halls where each platform has its own screen, it is infuriating to have every screen wiped and replaced with the same message about 'XX line will be closed this weekend' or (worse) 'See it, say it, sorted'. Such messages should go on a separate screen.
 

nlogax

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- News media who report merely via the medium of quoted tweets.

- Web pages for local newspapers which are basically unreadable, especially on phones.

- Ads for products that boast 'the nation's favourite..' , usually based on a survey sample size of three plus a small dog

- Luton Airport

I'd go for the men in sandals who wear white socks.
Men in sandals who wear socks of any colour. Please, someone, stop this heinous crime.
 

Smokey Joe

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Some terms, like Vegan are annoying, it always causes confusion with Vegetarian when only a "V" is shown on a menu, should be called plant-based instead.
Also I detest vast groups of people being referred to by abbreviations lazily, such as "BAME people", "NEET" people, "LTGB people", and "UK people", among a great many others. If abbreviations are used it means more than one group is referenced and individuals have big differences between themselves, never mind huge groups of millions. It's not hard to talk about different groups on their own merit rather than grouping everyone into a messy unhelpful list.

Another problem I would ban is adverts, on telly, internet, on buses, you get the same ones shoved into your brain every 5 minutes like brain washing, I'm certain it's causes brain fog or dementia and the adverts rarely work anyway, if a pop-up happens online I will never use that firm again.
 

SteveM70

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Katie Hopkins and Nigel Farage

Rap music and other similar nonsense

People who say expresso rather than espresso

Comic sans apart from in primary schools

The use of the word “hun” apart from when describing Germans

Limp handshakes

Michael Macintyre

Smoking

Cheese and onion crisps
 

Ianno87

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Eating Oranges on Public Transport.

Cucumber.

The use of the word "iconic" without prior written permission.

The appendage of the word "..., mate"
 

LSWR Cavalier

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Being called "mate" by a stranger.

As for spelling 'gauge' correctly, the same for Walschaerts and Machynlleth and Kirkintilloch, there is really no excuse for not spelling and pronouncing words properly.

Should there be guidelines about the name of the Great City on the Humber?
 

chorleyjeff

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The concept of this thread is pretty simple. Imagining you were an entirely selfish dictator guaranteed to stay in power for your entire life, and you wanted to make the world 'perfect' from your perspective, what petty things that annoy you would you make illegal?

Let's try to keep this lighthearted please. An example I'll give is ticket booking interfaces where typing a CRS code in the station search field doesn't automatically send the pertinent station to the top of the list.
Owen Jones, Lineker + BBC football pundits, continuously barking dogs within 1 mile of my house, Naga Munchety ( apologies if wrong spelling ) football TV trailers with commentators shrieking about a goal scored 55 years ago etc etc etc. Oh Forgot to say ALEXANDER (BORIS) JOHNSON not answering questions.
 

tbtc

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I like this thread

1. Supermarkets that don't give consistent benchmarks - e.g. I'm looking at two packets of a product and one shows the "price per hundred grammes" on the label underneath the main price, but the second packet has the "price per kg" - it's a minor irk but it really bothers me for some reason!

2. Products advertised based on a tiny sample size of people - e.g. 73% of the eighty four people said that they liked it. Multinational cosmetic firms do this a lot - we should have a minimum of a thousand people questioned, and half of them given a "control sample" instead (e.g. a basic Tesco version) to eliminate the placebo effect

3. Convoluted journalism to avoid using trade marks - e.g. "he took to Twitter to say that..." rather than "he tweeted" - same with articles where journalists go to great lengths to avoid saying "googled" (in fact, the programmes where we see one of the characters using a fake search engine rather than just Google which 99% of searching is done on - it always feels a bit fake - e.g. you see a drama that's gone to great lengths to create a world that we can believe in, lots of attention to detail, but then we see the protagonist using "SearchWebDotCom" or something fake like that)

4. Current affairs programmes that try to generate headlines by getting on two people with unrepresentative extreme views from either side, so that we'll all be talking about the massive argument between Owen Jones and some wonk from the Institute Of Economic Affairs rather than getting a reasonable Labour MP and a reasonable Tory MP to discuss the practicalities of how to get legislation through parliament

5. The Marmite adverts. I don't mind a tiny amount of Marmite once or twice a year - it's okay - I don't really love it or hate it - but the advert seems to have kickstarted a world where people are increasingly taking the "love me or hate me, you can't ignore me" - there are a lot of attention seeking people who crave the love/hate thing - I really don't care enough about the edge lords and the controversialists who thrive on this stuff - I'm not going to spend my time watching the likes of Piers Morgan to find be enraged by his latest attempt to generate headlines by saying something deliberately provocative so that we'll all be talking about it around "water coolers" (in fact, I'd nominate "water cooler moments" too, since TV executives discovered the concept and started sticking things into their shows to get people talking)

6. The Innocent Smoothies adverts. Oh, so you're cleaning up the environment by flogging millions of single use plastic bottles are you? I get annoyed by Corporate Greenwash, but Innocent Smoothies seem to be the worst

7. People who go onto Room 101 and nominate things like wasps or traffic wardens - nobody "likes" these things - go on and have some properly weird opinions from time to time - the obscure things that wind people up are much more interesting (like some of the weird and wonderful things on this thread!)

ETA. 8. Articles that sound much more significant than they are. For example, one of the Sunday papers will have an article headed something like "Manchester United Boss Told To Spend £50m On New Goalkeeper" and people will think, gosh, is that the chairman's edict or the view of a fellow Premier League manager? Oh, no, it's the opinion of someone who played half a dozen games for the club in 1995 and is happy to say something controversial for the sake of £100 from the newspaper. Same with "Kier Starmer Told To Be More Bold On Economic Plans" - if that's the view of a former Labour Party leader or a member of the Shadow Cabinet then that's newsworthy - if that's the view of an obscure backbencher then it's really not news - especially if it's the view of someone who was always going to say that anyway - but the headline makes it sound much more important - grr!
 
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LSWR Cavalier

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@tbtc "Nobody likes traffic wardens"
I like traffic wardens, I love them, I wish there were many more!

Perhaps 'jokes' about traffic wardens could be banned?
 

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