Comedic "things you would ban": minor things that irritate you

[py_megapixel]

However, the voice asking you if you want a receipt in the near-ish Sainsbury’s Local is a different one and is almost apologetic.

The reason for that is because choosing whether you want a receipt is a pretty new thing, presumably to somehow appear environmentally friendly. Until a few years ago most places used to give one by default and if you didn't want it you were expected to just put it in the bin on your way out of the store.

Most supermarkets in this country except Waitrose and the Co-op use NCR self checkout machines. I think there must have been some kind of software update by NCR to facilitate the asking for a receipt, as every chain seemed to get the feature at about the same time. Around the same time they seemed to also get a lot more freedom with the visual design of the interface, which is a shame as I thought the stock NCR one was quite good and the new ones are a bit rubbish. A few shops are still using the stock one (or maybe it's an older version), including WHSmith and M&S.

In Asda, it asks if you want a receipt but still reminds you to take your receipt even if you ask not to have one!

 

[tbtc]

@tbtc I like traffic wardens!

I do too - they perform an essential service - IIRC Bedford got rid of them a few years ago and people just parked wherever they wanted with impunity, which meant the place was in gridlock - a place with traffic wardens keeps traffic flowing - I was just mentioning them as one of the stock answers that people give when they come up with a list of things to complain about - it's always more interesting to find someone has a petty hate instead of something obvious - e.g. lots of people might mention Nigel Farage/ Jeremy Corbyn as a hate figure, but I'd find it much more interesting listening to someone who wants to rant about Alan Titchmarsh (or someone else who seems fairly uncontroversial)

 

[Calthrop]

The word "cromulent", which I loathe to the point of incandescent fury. I'll admit that it -- possibly -- does some filling of a vacant space in the language; but if the time has been ripe for coining a word to do that service, I wish most heartily that English had come up with some -- almost any -- other. For me, "cromulent" just reeks of hip smart-arsery. My dislike here, owes something to its origin via The Simpsons: the whole irritating "embiggen" saga connected therewith -- however; although the cartoon series itself does little for me personally, I don't outright hate it; do feel that it has received over the years, a far greater degree of extravagant devotion and adulation, than it actually warrants. There's just something about this particular "c-word", which -- admittedly not very rationally -- utterly gets my goat. The English-speaking world has clearly taken it to its heart in a big way, and I'm the weird outlier here -- but I will never, as long as I live, ever use the damned word.

 

[telstarbox]

That sentence is too long!

 

[py_megapixel]

Another thing I'd ban, which my previous post about checkout machines reminded me of, is companies who don't specialise in software design or have any good designers on staff, specifying or designing software whilst not really knowing what they're doing.

I would also ban the practice of having a website or app cobbled together for one's business and then never bothering to update or maintain it.

 

[DanNCL]

Being topless on public transport. During a heatwave I don't want to have to use a backrest that a few minutes prior had someone's bare sweaty skin on it...

 

[telstarbox]

Rap music and other similar nonsense

Which rap artists don't you like?

 

[Cowley]

Any celebration of thickness irritates me.
It’s not something to be proud of!

 

[GrimsbyPacer]

@tbtc "Nobody likes traffic wardens"
I like traffic wardens, I love them, I wish there were many more!

Perhaps 'jokes' about traffic wardens could be banned?

I use to love the one on Harry & Paul, I guess it's not politically correct now a days though.

Being topless on public transport. During a heatwave I don't want to have to use a backrest that a few minutes prior had someone's bare sweaty skin on it...

Maybe the newer trains should have more windows that can be opened to reduce topless passengers in heatwaves?

 

[GusB]

Any celebration of thickness irritates me.
It’s not something to be proud of!

Well, one doesn't like to boast...

 

[ABB125]

Traffic planners/road junction designers who don't understand how traffic works in real life. (Clue: it's not what happens on the computer program!)

"See it. Say it. Sorted."

Those rubbish fluorescent light bulbs which were all the rage about ten years ago. You know, the silly little squiggly ones which took several months to reach full brightness.

People who drive at 40mph everywhere. Including 30 zones.

I'm sure I'll think of some more!

 

[61653 HTAFC]

What about those who say trains use bogeys instead of bogies?

'Snot funny...

Michael Macintyre

Can we add Little Britain to the list? I know David Walliams is considered a national treasure now, but most of the Little Britain sketches were about as funny as a documentary about the Aberfan disaster (by which I mean not funny at all, to the extent that laughing would feel extremely mean), as well as being very much of a tone that would get you cancelled in 2021... but for some unfathomable reason this gets a pass.

 

[Paul Jones 88]

Chewing gum
Televisions
Noisy people
Woke people
UHT Milk
Weak beer
Smelly food on trains
Smelly people on trains
Modifyed exhaust pipes
E Scooters
Communists
Americanisms

 

[Ianno87]

That sentence is too long!

Not very cromulent, is it?

'Snot funny...

Can we add Little Britain to the list? I know David Walliams is considered a national treasure now, but most of the Little Britain sketches were about as funny as a documentary about the Aberfan disaster (by which I mean not funny at all, to the extent that laughing would feel extremely mean), as well as being very much of a tone that would get you cancelled in 2021... but for some unfathomable reason this gets a pass.

Second for Little Britain and all the other "catchphrase comedies" at that time (e.g. Catherine Tate). Entire sketches whose only purpose was to make the same gag each time.

(Come Fly With Me was better, but even then in 2010 you watched and wondered whether you should really be finding some of the characters funny. The humour has dated very badly)

The term "Craft Beer" for overpriced keg.

"Shabby chic" pubs. Which seems to mean "looks like a dump, has a couple of craft beers on tap, and you'll be served by bloke wearing a check shirt and who has an overly elaborate beard"

 

[OuterDistant]

Use of the phrase "washed down" when talking about consuming wine with food.

Why advertising copywriters for posh restaurants keep using it is a mystery. To me, it brings to mind Mr Creosote.

 

[nlogax]

Katie Hopkins and Nigel Farage

Your wish is coming true. Hopkins is about to banned and deported..by Australia. Which means she'll likely end up alongside Stonehenge Gob on GB News in coming weeks.

 

[The exile]

1. Having to press a button / touchscreen to select contactless payment ( which means it no longer is!). Surely a machine is “clever” enough to realise “ this person has reached the point where you pay and is holding a valid payment card in front of the sensor - that might just mean the want to use contactless payment”?
2. Anyone can make spelling mistakes, but (as this is a joke thread) - I’d fine any organisation that does not correct any spelling or grammar error in a public document (etc) within 24 hours of its being brought to their attention.
Better check this message!

 

[LSWR Cavalier]

Goatee beards. Could they be taxed?

 

[SteveM70]

Menus with spurious indefinite articles, especially when it’s nothing particularly special. “Pasta in a tomato sauce” for example. Somehow trying to imply it’s more than it is

People who read out phone numbers with the digits grouped incorrectly

Staff in coffee shops and the like always trying to upsell. No, if I wanted a croissant with my coffee I’d have asked for one

People who eat smelly food on trains

 

[Tracked]

Ones particularly appropriate for today;

Overweight - usually older - men going topless in town, a visual horror ...
Barbecues, I'm not keen on the smell of undercooked burgers wafting around
Smartphone users oblivious to their surroundings in public places

 

[Jan Mayen]

People who swear on trains.

 

[Westcountryman]

Machines that ask you to tap your card. Do they not understand that contactless actually means contactless.

 

[Ianno87]

Unadvertised salad. i.e. meals that come with accompaniments like salad/tomato/Lettuce that are not mentioned on the menu.

"Complicated" drinks in coffee shops that take ages to make (when you're behind them and just want a Latte)

 

[SteveM70]

The use of the expression “very unique”

Pointless (and presumably expensive) live outside broadcasts, like Laura Kuennsberg being stood outside 10 Downing Street at 1030 at night talking to a camera. What’s she expecting? Boris to wander out for a chat?

Saturday night’s BBC news where they say "tonight's lottery numbers are confirmed as....." as if there was any doubt that what had been shown on live telly was wrong

 

[bspahh]

Listicles. If there is information I should know, one thing is enough to mention in the title. If you have an article with 10 things, then it will be padded out with stuff I don't need to know.

 

[Ianno87]

Pointless (and presumably expensive) live outside broadcasts, like Laura Kuennsberg being stood outside 10 Downing Street at 1030 at night talking to a camera. What’s she expecting? Boris to wander out for a chat?

Oh, oh I've another one!

When the news reporters are reporting on bad weather, by standing in the bad weather to prove it.

 

[LSWR Cavalier]

Value judgements of the weather.

 

[Mcr Warrior]

Ones particularly appropriate for today;

Barbecues, I'm not keen on the smell of undercooked burgers wafting around

Or indeed overcooked burgers or similar (overcooked/burnt on the outside that is, but undoubtedly still raw/frozen on the inside).

 

[Ianno87]

Value judgements of the weather.

People who complain about rain (when it's a precious resource to so much of the world). I love rain!

 

[C J Snarzell]

I have thought of some little comedic things I would ban myself -

People who call everyone 'boss' - a good indication they've seen the inside of a cell.

People who walk around a town centre eating a pie/pastie out of a paper bag, while pushing their child in a chair who is also eating a pie/pastie out of a paper bag (those of you who live in places like Wigan & St Helens will appreciate what I'm on about!).

People who use text speak when they type up e-mails/reports/letters, I am sure some people are stupid enough to use text speak in job applications. 'LOL' is a phrase I find annoying.

People (some NHS staff too) who stand in groups outside the local hospital smoking like chimney pots, leaving thousands of dog ends everywhere.

People who are making client business calls on a train and are talking about their next investment meeting or their proposals for their next financial project which probably involves defrauding the tax man.

People who let their dogs poo in public spaces and try to behave like they've not seen it.

Fat people who abandon their cars on double yellows, then go into the Chippy or the Chinese Takeaway.

Bank employees who are dressed like they work for a 18-30s travel company (Barclays & Natwest spring to mind!), then they encourage you to use the internet or mobile banking if you step foot in a branch (the ones that are left open!).

People in restaurants with no table manners who then make absolutely no effort to help the table staff - they using leave behind a seating area that needs properly wiping down and sweeping up afterwards. This also goes for the overweight table glutens - the ones who order a pizza, a lasagne, chips and garlic bread, then proceed to make chip 'sandwiches' or dip their pizza/garlic bread in the lasagne. Once they've done, they still have room for a cheesecake or gateau.

Parents who let their young children misbehave in public places and don't challenge them (they are probably the type of people who kept Jeremy Kyle's former show on air so long).

CJ