Forum Jokes

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Heinz57, 22 Jun 2013.

  1. trainmania100

    trainmania100 Established Member

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    Today's Brighton v Chelsea was a joke
     
  2. Adlington

    Adlington Member

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    A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

    A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

    The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

    The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

    By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

    The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
     
  3. IanD

    IanD Established Member

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    You do know this is the joke thread - meant for amusing tales and anecdotes?
     
  4. jcollins

    jcollins Veteran Member

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    Do you remember we had a thread about favourite and least favourite comedians and with people such as Ricky Gervais some people find them hilarious and other people say they aren't funny at all?
     
  5. 341o2

    341o2 Member

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    Chap has an obsession with taking his picture next to a boiling kettle
    Been diagnosed with selfie steam issues
     
  6. Geezertronic

    Geezertronic Established Member

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    When I was younger, my Mum flushed our ded pet down the toilet. It was an ordeal saying goodbye to that Labrador...
     
  7. 341o2

    341o2 Member

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    I recently had to attend A&E and the patient on my left said " Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"
    So I turned to my right to be greeted with "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!"
    Please, Nurse, is this the psychiatric ward?
    No, the Burns unit
     
  8. GW43125

    GW43125 Established Member

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    A plane was heading quickly towards the ground, sure to crash. As it hit the ground, it miraculously bounced back up. When the captain was asked how this was possible, he responded with “it’s a Boeing. It did exactly as the name suggests”
     
  9. EM2

    EM2 Established Member

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    A chap was in the pub enjoying a pint, and went to the vending machine to buy some cigarettes.
    As he put his coins in, the cigarette machine said:
    'Look at the state of you. That shirt is hideous, your haircut is terrible, and those shoes make you look like a clown.'
    Stunned, the man presses the reject button and gets his money back.
    He goes back to the bar, mulling over what happened, and takes a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the bar.
    The bowl pipes up:
    'Hey! Lookin' good! Is that a new shirt? And I really like that aftershave!'
    He attracts the attention of the barman and says:
    'Something odd is going on. I went to the cigarette machine and it was really rude to me, and then I had some peanuts and they made some rather flattering comments.'
    The barman replies:
    'Ah yes. The peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order.'
     
    Last edited: 3 Feb 2018
  10. EM2

    EM2 Established Member

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    Qu'est-ce que Darth Vader a acheté à la boulangerie?
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    Pain, pain, pain, tarte tatin, tarte tatin!
     
  11. cjp

    cjp Member

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    I am getting divorced (again).
    I don't understand women's logic - am I alone in this?
    I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas last year “Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely” she replied.
    So tell me doesn't a Kinder egg exactly fit the description.
    I thought so.
    :oops:
     
  12. zuriblue

    zuriblue Member

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    A horse is in the pub having a few jars when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter. The donkey asks "what did you do for a living" the horse replies " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter"

    Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach" , then he asks "Did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.

    They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, the donkey thinks, "I need to impress this **** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", the donkey replies " Thats me when I played for Juventus !
     
  13. Adlington

    Adlington Member

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    Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.
     
  14. 341o2

    341o2 Member

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    the au pair asks for a pay rise
    Why?
    I have three reasons
    Go on
    Well, I clean the house much better than you do
    Who says that?
    Your husband
    Next?
    I cook much better than you do
    Who says that?
    Your husband
    and the third?
    I'm much better in bed than you
    I suppose my husband told you that
    No, the gardener did
    .....
    So let's discuss your pay rise
     
    Last edited: 4 Feb 2018
  15. 341o2

    341o2 Member

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    The lady of the house calls for the butler and instructs him
    Please take off my shoes
    Now my hat
    Now my coat
    Now my stockings
    Now my blouse
    Now my skirt
    Now my bra
    Now my panties
    And finally....
    Don't you ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!
     
  16. Adlington

    Adlington Member

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    NewsBiscuit
     
  17. cjp

    cjp Member

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    In a train from London to Manchester, a tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him . “The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me ... I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?”
    The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied “How very sporting of your mother!”
     

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