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Forum Jokes
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Peter Mugridge
Veteran Member
I dunno, but I'm sure every Apple has a core processor...
341o2
Established Member
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- 17 Oct 2011
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- 1,905
that gives me the pip
Mrs. Smith, (my grandma) would agree with you all.
Isn't there some kind of Royal Gala happening in Windsor today? Perhaps that could distract you from all the Coxwallop...
I'll fetch my McIntosh!
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
You're right. I was going to make some myself but on second thoughts I'll err on the cider caution...
It's May 2019 and Nigel Farage has just had a dream weekend in Paris. He arrived in Dover at 8am on Saturday, by 10am he cleared border checks and was allowed on to a ferry, the ferry arrived in Calais at 11:30 and by 1.30 he had cleared border checks in Calais and arrived in Paris at 4. At 6 he was about to go on a nightlife tour when he was stopped by a police officer asking to see his passport. He had to leave Paris at 10am on Sunday to get back home by Sunday evening. Asked for his thoughts he said "It's brilliant. You can never have too many passport checks and it would be concerning if border checks didn't take a long time as anyone could get in if they don't do them properly. Look at what happened in the past when we didn't do proper checks - you let my great-grandfather in."
341o2
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Visitors to Spain are amazed at the skill of the tattoo artists there.
No one expects the Spanish ink precision
No one expects the Spanish ink precision
Last edited:
There are two reasons why I didn’t like that joke.....
It was cringeworthy
It was corny
And it didn’t make me laugh.
Sorry, three reasons why I didn’t like that joke.
E_Reeves
Established Member
I don't even get it sooo...There are two reasons why I didn’t like that joke.....
It was cringeworthy
It was corny
And it didn’t make me laugh.
Sorry, three reasons why I didn’t like that joke.
Say it out loud...
EbbwJunction1
Established Member
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- 25 Mar 2010
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- 1,565
No change there, then!!
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
Chance'd be a fine thing... At least he'd make sure fishing rights are dealt with!
Oh, and I rather liked the Spanish tattoo joke. EDIT: A bit slow on the uptake, but I've finally worked out the apparent criticism of said joke. A bit too subtle for Monday morning, that one!
Yes you have to be familiar with the whole Spanish Inquisition scetch to appreciate it
deltic1989
Established Member
Why do the Spanish Air Force issue heavy duty waterproofs to their pilots?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the planes.
If someone would be so kind as to call me a taxi. I'll get my coat.
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the planes.
If someone would be so kind as to call me a taxi. I'll get my coat.
Warwick
Member
There are two reasons why I didn’t like that joke.....
It was cringeworthy
It was corny
And it didn’t make me laugh.
Sorry, three reasons why I didn’t like that joke.
There's a fourth. The poster is yet another person who can't type "no-one".
zuriblue
Member
The England football team have arrived in Russia and visited a local orphanage. "It was so sad to see their little faces, bereft of hope" said Vladimir, 7.
Adlington
Member
- Joined
- 3 Oct 2016
- Messages
- 1,040
Northern Rail reduces service to one stationary, 5,000-carriage train
Northern Rail revealed radical plans to deal with its timetable disruption today, with the announcement that it will now just place a single, completely stationary 5,000-carriage train on the tracks between Preston and the Lake District, leaving commuters to walk through the train themselves to get to their ultimate destination.
‘This looks like a particularly efficient solution to the problems we’ve been facing of driver shortages, late running engineering projects and difficulties in implementing a new timetable,’ argued a spokesperson for Northern. ‘You can get on at your usual station, whenever you want, and stroll through the carriages at your own pace, enjoying the excellent scenery and the interiors of our classic 1970s rolling stock.’
‘Under this new service, we don’t actually need any drivers, which is a bonus for us,’ continued the spokesperson. ‘And we’re pleased to announce that we’ll be employing a couple of extra staff to sell customers Kit Kats and cups of tea – for information, they’ll be in carriage 1842 just outside Lancaster, and carriage 2776, two miles past Oxenholme.’
‘I’m pleased to see these innovative solutions to what is a difficult situation for us all,’ noted Chris Grayling, Secretary of State for Transport. ‘Journey times are expected to increase by a few minutes under the new arrangements, with times between Oxenholme and Lancaster estimated to be five hours for a reasonably fit 30-year-old woman walking at a brisk pace, rising to 35 hours for a clinically obese 55-year-old man, a figure which takes account of the fact that he would have to edge through the carriages sideways on.’
‘Unfortunately, since the trains are stationary, passengers will not be able to use the toilets at all,’ continued Grayling. ‘However, since this has been fairly normal for Northern commuters for many years now anyway, we don’t anticipate this will cause any significant problems.’
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2018/06/...ervice-to-one-stationary-5000-carriage-train/
Northern Rail revealed radical plans to deal with its timetable disruption today, with the announcement that it will now just place a single, completely stationary 5,000-carriage train on the tracks between Preston and the Lake District, leaving commuters to walk through the train themselves to get to their ultimate destination.
‘This looks like a particularly efficient solution to the problems we’ve been facing of driver shortages, late running engineering projects and difficulties in implementing a new timetable,’ argued a spokesperson for Northern. ‘You can get on at your usual station, whenever you want, and stroll through the carriages at your own pace, enjoying the excellent scenery and the interiors of our classic 1970s rolling stock.’
‘Under this new service, we don’t actually need any drivers, which is a bonus for us,’ continued the spokesperson. ‘And we’re pleased to announce that we’ll be employing a couple of extra staff to sell customers Kit Kats and cups of tea – for information, they’ll be in carriage 1842 just outside Lancaster, and carriage 2776, two miles past Oxenholme.’
‘I’m pleased to see these innovative solutions to what is a difficult situation for us all,’ noted Chris Grayling, Secretary of State for Transport. ‘Journey times are expected to increase by a few minutes under the new arrangements, with times between Oxenholme and Lancaster estimated to be five hours for a reasonably fit 30-year-old woman walking at a brisk pace, rising to 35 hours for a clinically obese 55-year-old man, a figure which takes account of the fact that he would have to edge through the carriages sideways on.’
‘Unfortunately, since the trains are stationary, passengers will not be able to use the toilets at all,’ continued Grayling. ‘However, since this has been fairly normal for Northern commuters for many years now anyway, we don’t anticipate this will cause any significant problems.’
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2018/06/...ervice-to-one-stationary-5000-carriage-train/
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
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- 1,905
"no-one" yes I can. Actually it should be "no one"
krus_aragon
Established Member
Why did the Pear and Banana take the Apricot to rehab?
Because he was a stoned fruit.
Because he was a stoned fruit.
cjp
Member
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
----*-----
One day an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of premium lager. Just as they were about to enjoy their pints a fly lands in each of their glasses.
The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his lager and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.
The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT
----*-----
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them
----*-----
One day an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of premium lager. Just as they were about to enjoy their pints a fly lands in each of their glasses.
The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his lager and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.
The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT
----*-----
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them
deltic1989
Established Member
A little boy was walking through a cemetery with his Mother one afternoon.
All of a sudden the little boy says: "Mummy, can two people be buried in the same grave?"
"No sweetheart" Replies the Mother "Why do you ask?"
"Because that headstone over there says 'Here lies John Smith. A politician, and an honest man'"
All of a sudden the little boy says: "Mummy, can two people be buried in the same grave?"
"No sweetheart" Replies the Mother "Why do you ask?"
"Because that headstone over there says 'Here lies John Smith. A politician, and an honest man'"
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar... the barman says "Oi, get out! You lot are well out of order!"
Adlington
Member
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- 3 Oct 2016
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- 1,040
Factual correction: yes, they can.
EM2
Established Member
'My friend is going to south-west France to participate in the World Twanging-A-Ruler-On-Edge-Of-A-Desk Championship.'
'Dordogne?'
'Exactly.'
'Dordogne?'
'Exactly.'
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