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Forum Jokes
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Steamysandy
Member
Boris Johnston goes to Moscow where Vladimir Putin takes him to the Ballet and they get sozzled.On the way back to the Kremlin they have a comfort stop in a large flashy building which is fully carpeted Having watered said Carpet Boris turns to Putin and asks "What do we do now?"
Back comes the reply " Run like hell! This is the Trump Moscow Hotel!!"
Back comes the reply " Run like hell! This is the Trump Moscow Hotel!!"
Brought to mind by a recent thread elsewhere on these Forums: started by a recent visitor to the NRM's out-station at Shildon, who found content of same, meagre and rather disappointing.
One imagines an enthusiast visiting this venue; feeling the same way as the OP above (who voices his sentiments, I hasten to say, in totally moderate and polite terms). Our hypothetical enthusiast, though, has a hot temper and poor impulse control -- proceeds to shout loudly and at length, about what a rubbish site he has parted with money to visit; much of his tirade, in extremely foul language and at the top of his voice. The police have to be called -- and our anti-hero subsequently appears in court: charged with making a low commotion at NRM Shildon.
One imagines an enthusiast visiting this venue; feeling the same way as the OP above (who voices his sentiments, I hasten to say, in totally moderate and polite terms). Our hypothetical enthusiast, though, has a hot temper and poor impulse control -- proceeds to shout loudly and at length, about what a rubbish site he has parted with money to visit; much of his tirade, in extremely foul language and at the top of his voice. The police have to be called -- and our anti-hero subsequently appears in court: charged with making a low commotion at NRM Shildon.
Adlington
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If the post above (#903) is a joke, I missed it completely.
Come on.. Lo comotion at Shildon?
EM2
Established Member
There is a well-known layout on the model railway exhibition circuit, which represents an East Coast port and dockside, and is famous for its prototypical fish trains, modelled fully to scale.
At one exhibition, a chap approaches one of the operators and says 'Look, I work for a *major* banana import company. If you were to see fit to change the fish trains to banana trains, we could make it worth your while, if you know what I mean?'
The operator explains that the fish trains are an intrinsic part of the layout scheme, and it's no deal.
The chap makes an offer. 'Tell you what, let's say £5000. How's that?'
Operator says no, sorry, we can't do it.
He increases the offer to £7000. Still no deal.
He says 'OK, I can go to £10000, but it's my final offer'.
The operator says OK, in principle but he'll have to speak to the rest of the club, and he'll let him know.
At the end of that day's show, the operating team are in the pub, and he pipes up.
'Listen lads, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news first. We've lost the Birds Eye sponsorship...'
At one exhibition, a chap approaches one of the operators and says 'Look, I work for a *major* banana import company. If you were to see fit to change the fish trains to banana trains, we could make it worth your while, if you know what I mean?'
The operator explains that the fish trains are an intrinsic part of the layout scheme, and it's no deal.
The chap makes an offer. 'Tell you what, let's say £5000. How's that?'
Operator says no, sorry, we can't do it.
He increases the offer to £7000. Still no deal.
He says 'OK, I can go to £10000, but it's my final offer'.
The operator says OK, in principle but he'll have to speak to the rest of the club, and he'll let him know.
At the end of that day's show, the operating team are in the pub, and he pipes up.
'Listen lads, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news first. We've lost the Birds Eye sponsorship...'
Adlington
Member
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Oh well... With a little help from my friends...
EM2
Established Member
Well, the current trains on the layout are fish trains. Bird's Eye are a well-known supplier of frozen fish...
Sigh! "We've dumped the (local/historical) fish trade sponsorship... We'll be running banana trains instead."
Maybe you don't know that bananas were imported through a limited number of ports and that trains of unique steam-heated goods vans (to ensure the fruit didn't get frosted) ran from them to the wholesale markets. See
http://www.bluebell-railway.co.uk/bluebell/pics/570027.html
Maybe you don't know that bananas were imported through a limited number of ports and that trains of unique steam-heated goods vans (to ensure the fruit didn't get frosted) ran from them to the wholesale markets. See
http://www.bluebell-railway.co.uk/bluebell/pics/570027.html
Thanks -- understood at last; but too railway-erudite a joke for me, a self-confessed dreamy (to quote a respected and loved participant on these forums) "spottery-wibble-merchant". (I don't like bananas anyway -- they could have stayed forever in the tropics, for me.)
Was that the one where Bernard Matthews approaches the Pope and offers him £1m if he changes the words of the Lord's Prayer to "Give us this day our daily turkey?"
The Pope says he can't make such a drastic change to tradition, but Matthews ups the bribe to £2 and then eventually £5m. So the Pope goes to his cardinals and says "Good News and bad news - we're ditching the Mothers' Pride sponsorship......"
Or perhaps it wasn't
How about the erudite Vicar who tried to teach Greek to his cat, but it never got further than mu?
Last edited:
Peter Mugridge
Veteran Member
Was that the one where Bernard Matthews approaches the Pope and offers him £1m if he changes the words of the Lord's Prayer to "Give us this day our daily turkey?"
The Pope says he can't make such a drastic change to tradition, but Matthews ups the bribe to £2 and then eventually £5m. So the Pope goes to his cardinals and says "Good News and bad news - we're ditching the Mothers' Pride sponsorship......"
Or perhaps it wasn't
It was - and to be honest I think this original version you have posted is much better.
I first encountered that one as a limerick -- the young curate of Kew, who kept his pet cat in his pew; he vowed in a week, he would teach the beast Greek...
Geezertronic
Established Member
I know!
You can't beat the old ones, can you?
Well you can, but you'd get arrested for it...
341o2
Established Member
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Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
Apparently it was bread in captivity
Apparently it was bread in captivity
deltic1989
Established Member
I also went to a zoo......The only animal in it was a small dog.......it was a Shihtzu.
I've told you a million times, stop exaggerating!
341o2
Established Member
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True, it's a thing of the past
zuriblue
Member
I know people are always posting those ridiculously clever things their young un's say but sometimes they’re true.
My little one, Tilly, really shocked me today.
Tilly- You know how our Prime minister and her government are destroying the NHS, cutting benefits for the disabled, allowing fracking...
Me- But….
Tilly-…..selling arms to the Saudis, allowing badger culling..
Me- What the…
Tilly-….cutting education spending, bloody brexit, Boris the buffoon,
Me-..........
Tilly- Tories are barstewards, aren’t they?
Now, OK, I know I should have told her about her language but I was just so stunned I couldn’t say anything. I mean, I’ve had that cat for 13 years and she never spoke a word until now!
My little one, Tilly, really shocked me today.
Tilly- You know how our Prime minister and her government are destroying the NHS, cutting benefits for the disabled, allowing fracking...
Me- But….
Tilly-…..selling arms to the Saudis, allowing badger culling..
Me- What the…
Tilly-….cutting education spending, bloody brexit, Boris the buffoon,
Me-..........
Tilly- Tories are barstewards, aren’t they?
Now, OK, I know I should have told her about her language but I was just so stunned I couldn’t say anything. I mean, I’ve had that cat for 13 years and she never spoke a word until now!
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
In cat-years, she's in her early 50s and clearly very wise. You should listen to her!
#votes4cats
#cats4Corbyn
krus_aragon
Established Member
gg1
Established Member
My girlfriend said I was mad when I told her I planned to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Geezertronic
Established Member
"You won't like me when I'm angry... because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources" said The Credible Hulk
Cat Deeley for PM would probably get more support.
lxfe_mxtterz
Member
As unoriginal as this joke is, it has to be one of my favourites:
- I was walking past a cake shop selling cakes for £1. I popped in to take a look.
- I picked up a cake and the shop assistant said "£2 please". So I asked, "why are you asking for £2 when you're advertising all cakes for £1?"
- She said "it's Madeira cake"...
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