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Forum Jokes
- Thread starter Heinz57
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I saw an advert pop up "Is something happening near you? Phone our news desk on 0800 4567890" so I phoned the number and told them a swarm of Canada Geese has just arrived in my town. The next day the front page of the Daily Mail said "The Swarms of Canadian Immigrants Arriving in One Cheshire Town."
Harlequin
Member
What's blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
Light blue.
Fella sitting in the bar, staring at his drink for ages. The barman watching him eventually goes over to speak to him.
"You look pretty down mate, do You want to talk about it?" He asks.
The fella looks up at the barman with tears in his eyes, "I've been thinking for a few weeks that my wife is having an affair. So I came home at lunchtime and found her in bed with my BEST FRIEND!" He replies.
The barman asks, "What did you say to your wife?"
Fella, "I called her a slut"
Barman asks, "What did you say to your best friend?"
Fella replies........
"BAD DOG!"
"You look pretty down mate, do You want to talk about it?" He asks.
The fella looks up at the barman with tears in his eyes, "I've been thinking for a few weeks that my wife is having an affair. So I came home at lunchtime and found her in bed with my BEST FRIEND!" He replies.
The barman asks, "What did you say to your wife?"
Fella, "I called her a slut"
Barman asks, "What did you say to your best friend?"
Fella replies........
"BAD DOG!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson feel like taking a break from detecting, and having a bit of relaxation. They ponder what to do: Watson has a flash of inspiration and exclaims "Ideal, Holmes !" It turns out that he's suggesting that they go to the Ideal Home Show at Olympia; where they accordingly spend a pleasant afternoon. On the way back to Baker Street, Watson speaks admiringly about a particular show house with a primrose-coloured porch. Holmes disagrees: "That wasn't a primrose porch; it was a lemon entry, my dear Watson."
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
A group of three guys are working on painting the Forth Bridge, And at 1pm each day they sit down on whichever girder they're working on, and eat their packed lunch. On one particular day, the first guy unwraps his sandwiches and moans "my wife's given me corned beef again. I tell you, if I've got corned beef tomorrow I'm jumping off this godforsaken bridge!"
The second bloke says "and I've got bloody tuna again. I'm sick to the back teeth of it, if she gives me the same again I'll join you!"
The third man opens his, sighs and says "me too guys. Ham again! If I have ham tomorrow we'll all go down together in protest at boring sandwiches!"
The next day comes along, and at precisely 1pm they put down their brushes and sit on the girder. They each open their lunches, sigh, look at each other and push themselves off, plummeting way down into the icy waters of the Firth of Forth.
A week later, the inquests are held in Edinburgh and word gets out about the pledge they'd made, as brothers in arms against dull snap boxes.
Two of the widows hug each other in tears, crying out that if only their husbands had told them they were fed up, they'd have put a bit more thought into it. But the third widow looks very confused about the whole affair... and says:
(Come on, you saw this coming way back...)
"But I don't understand... he always fixed his own sandwiches"
Edit: not sure how I missed that autocorrect fail... the FIFTH of forth? It seems that the AI has a sense of humour, of sorts!
The second bloke says "and I've got bloody tuna again. I'm sick to the back teeth of it, if she gives me the same again I'll join you!"
The third man opens his, sighs and says "me too guys. Ham again! If I have ham tomorrow we'll all go down together in protest at boring sandwiches!"
The next day comes along, and at precisely 1pm they put down their brushes and sit on the girder. They each open their lunches, sigh, look at each other and push themselves off, plummeting way down into the icy waters of the Firth of Forth.
A week later, the inquests are held in Edinburgh and word gets out about the pledge they'd made, as brothers in arms against dull snap boxes.
Two of the widows hug each other in tears, crying out that if only their husbands had told them they were fed up, they'd have put a bit more thought into it. But the third widow looks very confused about the whole affair... and says:
(Come on, you saw this coming way back...)
"But I don't understand... he always fixed his own sandwiches"
Edit: not sure how I missed that autocorrect fail... the FIFTH of forth? It seems that the AI has a sense of humour, of sorts!
Last edited:
In a job interview:
Interviewer - Can you give me an example of a time when you failed and how you responded to that failure?
Chris Grayling - I can do better than that. I can give you hundreds of examples, how long have you got?
Interviewer - Can you give me an example of a time when you failed and how you responded to that failure?
Chris Grayling - I can do better than that. I can give you hundreds of examples, how long have you got?
Another one fit for the board which had the "Stupid Jokes Thread" --
There were once a family of skunks; Mr. Skunk, Mrs. Skunk, and their offspring: two little skunks who were called In, and Out. One day, while the family were foraging together for food in the forest, In got separated from the others; it was a while before they realised this had happened. They went from place to place, calling his name, and getting increasingly frantic. Suddenly, little Out exclaimed "aha !" and rushed off into a tangled thicket. "Oh, no !" wailed the parents, "now we've lost both of them". Ten minutes later, though, Out came back again from the same direction in which he'd vanished -- with In following close behind.
Joyful reunion, and much praising of Out for his feat. "How did you know how to find him?" they asked.
"Oh," said Out, "just because of -- In stinked."
There were once a family of skunks; Mr. Skunk, Mrs. Skunk, and their offspring: two little skunks who were called In, and Out. One day, while the family were foraging together for food in the forest, In got separated from the others; it was a while before they realised this had happened. They went from place to place, calling his name, and getting increasingly frantic. Suddenly, little Out exclaimed "aha !" and rushed off into a tangled thicket. "Oh, no !" wailed the parents, "now we've lost both of them". Ten minutes later, though, Out came back again from the same direction in which he'd vanished -- with In following close behind.
Joyful reunion, and much praising of Out for his feat. "How did you know how to find him?" they asked.
"Oh," said Out, "just because of -- In stinked."
Whistler40145
Established Member
If a Seagull flies over the sea, what flies over a bay?
A bay gull
A bay gull
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
"How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
"How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Or if you meet your girlfriend Melanie at K.B., and bring her back by private car (there being no convenient train) -- you could be said to cart Mel.
A hare was wandering through the forest, and came to a clearing, in which there was a pretty little house, all made of gingerbread. He could not resist making his way up to a corner of the house, and taking a little nibble -- which he found extremely delicious. There was immediately a terrifying "whoosh" and screech, and a horrific-looking witch appeared, and screamed at the hare: "This is my house ! Don't you go nibbling at it -- or you'll get something you don't want !"
The hare fled in terror; but in the following days, his memory of the lovely taste of the witch's gingerbread house tormented him; until against his better judgement, he made his way there again; and having ascertained as best possible, that the witch was away -- he started nibbling at that of which the house was made; his total delight made his awareness less than might have otherwise been -- suddenly, whoosh, screech, and, "It's you again ! I warned you the last time ! Go away -- last warning, if I ever see you chewing at my house again, I'll turn you into a goon !"
Once again, he fled in terror; but the taste of that gingerbread was so delightfully haunting, that he found himself -- totally against his better judgement -- going back to the gingerbread house in the forest clearing. "No activity here," he thought -- "I'll just take a very quick taste, and be on my way" -- so he started tasting; and suddenly, whoosh, screech, etc. -- "I've warned you ! Enough of this stuff -- [spell cast] -- you are henceforth for the rest of your life, a goon !" (And so he was.)
Which just goes to prove: Hare today, goon tomorrow.
The hare fled in terror; but in the following days, his memory of the lovely taste of the witch's gingerbread house tormented him; until against his better judgement, he made his way there again; and having ascertained as best possible, that the witch was away -- he started nibbling at that of which the house was made; his total delight made his awareness less than might have otherwise been -- suddenly, whoosh, screech, and, "It's you again ! I warned you the last time ! Go away -- last warning, if I ever see you chewing at my house again, I'll turn you into a goon !"
Once again, he fled in terror; but the taste of that gingerbread was so delightfully haunting, that he found himself -- totally against his better judgement -- going back to the gingerbread house in the forest clearing. "No activity here," he thought -- "I'll just take a very quick taste, and be on my way" -- so he started tasting; and suddenly, whoosh, screech, etc. -- "I've warned you ! Enough of this stuff -- [spell cast] -- you are henceforth for the rest of your life, a goon !" (And so he was.)
Which just goes to prove: Hare today, goon tomorrow.
Two archaeologists were exploring the interior of the Great Pyramid. After flashing their torches around, they came upon a dark chamber and in the dark chamber there was a stone slab and on the stone slab, there were some crumbs, some light some dark.
So one of the archaeologists puts some of the dark crumbs on his tongue and says, ‘It tastes like chocolate … could almost be chocolate …’
Then the second archaeologist tries some of the light crumbs and says, ‘Hazelnut … definitely getting hazelnut …’
Descending chords *
‘Dash it, Carruthers. I think we’ve discovered the tomb of … Pharaoh Rocher.’
So one of the archaeologists puts some of the dark crumbs on his tongue and says, ‘It tastes like chocolate … could almost be chocolate …’
Then the second archaeologist tries some of the light crumbs and says, ‘Hazelnut … definitely getting hazelnut …’
Descending chords *
‘Dash it, Carruthers. I think we’ve discovered the tomb of … Pharaoh Rocher.’
Our local dog food factory has gone into administration. They have called in the official retriever.
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
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- 1,906
Paddy obtains a jigsaw puzzle and spend two weeks working on it, then invites Mick round to see the completed result.
In response to Mick's question as to how well he did, Paddy proudly replies "Of course I've done well,
Look at the instructions on the box - from two to four years!"
In response to Mick's question as to how well he did, Paddy proudly replies "Of course I've done well,
Look at the instructions on the box - from two to four years!"
VioletEclipse
Member
Q: Why did a bus operator decide not to purchase a bus from a certain Irish manufacturer? A: It wasn't the Wright bus.
Sorry, I know it is absolutely terrible.
Sorry, I know it is absolutely terrible.
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 1,906
Wife texts husband "Wndows frozen, can't open"
Husband replies "Pour lukewarm water down, and tap edges gently with hammer"
"Well, that's really messed up the computer now"
Husband replies "Pour lukewarm water down, and tap edges gently with hammer"
"Well, that's really messed up the computer now"
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 1,906
Paddy goes into his local Argos and asks to buy a potato clock.
"Well, we sell wall clocks, carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks, but I've never heard of a potato clock"
"I start a new job tomorrow at nine, and the wife said I ought to get a potato clock"
"Well, we sell wall clocks, carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks, but I've never heard of a potato clock"
"I start a new job tomorrow at nine, and the wife said I ought to get a potato clock"
Adlington
Member
- Joined
- 3 Oct 2016
- Messages
- 1,040
Who says men cannot remember??
A couple went Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She become worried and called him on her mobile to ask where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: "Do you remember the jeweller's we went into about five years ago, when you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up, started to cry and said "Yes, I do remember that shop".
He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door".
A couple went Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She become worried and called him on her mobile to ask where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: "Do you remember the jeweller's we went into about five years ago, when you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up, started to cry and said "Yes, I do remember that shop".
He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door".
Are femails women postal workers?
oopsy
Strat-tastic
Established Member
Guests who outstay their fellow guests lose their overcoats.
Chinese Proverb
Chinese Proverb
shredder1
Established Member
Whats big, red and eats rocks
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