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Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Heinz57, 22 Jun 2013.
Blimey, must be at least 45 years since I last heard that one
I read it many years ago myself, but it seemed appropriate to recount it
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and trapped him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention of his work colleagues but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered
That's a great one!
I can see the reasoning behind that.
Is that out of Viz by any chance?
Yeah it was Peter
What’s the difference between refugees paying criminals to get them across the English Channel and the British Government?
The refugees are hiring boats that actually exist.
Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?
Try this simple test: Lock both of them in the boot of your car and see which one is the happiest to see you when you return from the pub after two hours...
Heavily abridged from James Bond’s future transport mission by Steve Gooding, Director, RAC Foundation:
I found this
The two main news stories this week have been the problems the Prime Minister has faced, and the Duke of Edinburgh being involved in a car crash.
In one of them, people have been saying for ages that the activity is clearly not a good idea, that it could put people at risk, but advice was ignored, stubborn pride was a factor, and so they pressed on, but couldn't clearly see where they were going, and ended up in a ditch whilst causing harm to other people.
In the other one, the Queen's husband had a traffic accident.
A friend of mine was injured when the handle broke off his kettle.
Visiting him a few days later in hospital, i asked him how he was doing.
"I feel fine - my arm is healing well and the staff are very attentive. The only thing is, the food is terrible here - I can't eat it and it's the same thing all the time.
Haggis for breakfast, lunch AND tea. What's that about?"
So I reminded him he was in the Burns Unit.
Love it, also Burns Night here tomorrow!
As it's now the 25th -- the esteemed gentleman's birthday -- another Burns joke.
Cartoon seen long ago -- showed a combine harvester halted in the middle of a large wheatfield: one of the crew -- in the foreground -- looking down among the wheat, with an expression of great anxiety and concern; his mates looking exasperated, one of them saying: "Oh, dear Lord -- not another wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie !"
A Yorkshireman set-up a business removing all the debris after a building had been demolished.
But some thought he was just asking for t'rubble.
[acknowledgements to "The Times"]
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a bus and dies... His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator doors close....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish... He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of filth and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...
You have cast your vote now!"
In London an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the Capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near. “Yes, Father?" said the Nurse. "I would really like to see Theresa May and David Cameron before I die," whispered the Priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse. The Nurse had the request sent to Number 10 and all waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; May and Cameron would be delighted to visit the Priest. As they went to the hospital, Cameron commented to May, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” May agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Cameron’s hand in his right hand and May’s hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face. Finally Theresa May spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?" The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ." "Amen," said May. "Amen," said Cameron. The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same."
Why was the Amish girl ex-communicated?
Two men a night.
Took me quite a while to figure this one out; but -- ingenious...
Along slightly similar lines: a tale from the bad old days of persecution of religion in the USSR.
In a little Russian town, there was a devout church member whose function was to be the church bell-ringer. Every Sunday, and on all of the Orthodox Church's many other holy days of obligation, he started, with gusto, ringing the church bell early in the morning; and carried on doing so, at length. The local Party bosses bent the law to set up a dodgy trial, in which numerous folk were suborned to complain about the noise of the bell spoiling their Sundays-and-holidays lie-ins, waking them up and keeping them awake. The hapless bell-ringer was convicted of creating a public nuisance, and sentenced to a long term in the Gulag.
He subsequently had the consolation of being awarded the No Peace Bell Prize.
Firstly I still don’t get that joke and have been racking my brains to try and figure it out so any explanation would be appreciated.
Secondly (and I don’t want to get too heavy on a jokes thread) but Jehovah’s Witnesses are still being bitterly persecuted in Russia, so it is still the bad old days there.
It's a verbal homophone joke. The punchline would be better written down as "Too Mennonite".
I think that the original joke, as performed by the late and great Christopher Hitchens (one of the greatest minds of all time imo) was 'two men a night'. Anyway, not going to lose sleep over it.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
How does a Mathematician tell off his/her child?
If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times!
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Asian accent.