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Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Heinz57, 22 Jun 2013.
What do you call two thieves?
A pair of knickers.
My current favourite joke concerns a job applicant at an interview:
Interviewer: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?"
Applicant: "Hmm...well, it's probably that I'm extremely honest."
Interviewer: "Really? I'm not sure that I'd consider that to be a weakness."
Applicant: "Well I don't give a damn what you think."
A variation on that joke appeared on Just A Minute earlier this series!
Why are there no clowns around now?
They've all become MPs
I'm not reading all 35 pages, so I hope this isn't here already.
A Red Indian chief had three squaws, or wives. One of them was his favourite and she knew it. Everybody in the tribe slept on a buffalo hide, but the no. 1 wife told the chief she wanted a hippopotamus hide. He thought so much of her that he managed to obtain one, so she happily slept on that every night.
A few months later it became clear that all three squaws were pregnant. The chief hoped he would get three sons [It was a male-dominated society. It wasn't very PC either, as you may have noticed.] Eventually, one evening one of the other two squaws gave birth....and it was a boy. Everyone was very pleased. The next day the other no.2 squaw gave birth, and it was twin boys. Huge celebrations. Everybody was waiting to see what the no. 1 squaw would provide.
And two days later, she produced...triplets. Three little boys. The chief was ecstatic.
Which proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
Kindly leave the stage
What do you get by running a Pacer at 90mph?
Gearbox in the four-foot!
I recently purchased a thesaurus from Amazon, when it arrived every page was blank
I have no words to express how angry I am
Reminds me of the time someone nicked my valedictory address . I was left speechless.
I was asked to fix the mother in law's gas boiler
I hope she will be over the moon
"The Brummie accent is just like a vegan burger - bland and tasteless."
I sincerely apologise if anybody is offended by this joke.
...which reminds me of the joke about the inventor of the Stannah stair lift:
He rigged up an arm chair on rails up their stairs. When his mother tried it out it malfunctioned...
she went through the roof!
Thieves broke into a mobile police unit and stole their Elsan
A spokesman said that they had nothing to go on
The same theives broke into the dog training school and stole all their harnesses. The Police said they had no leads.
They also stole a statue, leaving a big hole... police are looking into it.
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals anymore.
(I really hope that’s right. )
Scientists in 1999: Over the course of this decade we have started finding ways to treat HIV, cloned a sheep, launched a telescope into space, introduced the World Wide Web, and developed Viagra!
Scientists in 2019: Please, for the sake of your children get them vaccinated! AND NO, THE EARTH IS NOT FLAT!! I REPEAT, IT IS NOT FLAT!!!!
I'll kep my coat on for this one...
What breed of dog can do magic?
How does an Italian pirate keep his crew happy?
With pizzas of eight.
How do you calculate the volume of an Italian Meal with radius Z and thickness A?
I got sent this off a friend yesterday
WARNING: If you get a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends!
Do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time?"
No, many begin with "If I am elected, I promise...."
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know either, but their flag is a big plus.
I mentioned to my wife that she’d drawn her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I see what you did there, very clever
How much bigger is it?