47403
Established Member
(Bus crashes into a house)
To whoever it was that told me, to leave my car at the bar and take the bus home....
Turns out I wasn't fit enough to do that either
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Forum Jokes
- Thread starter Heinz57
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(Bus crashes into a house)
To whoever it was that told me, to leave my car at the bar and take the bus home....
Turns out I wasn't fit enough to do that either
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R
RailUK Forums
LOL The Irony
On Moderation
That's beautiful
One from the old telly series "Oh Doctor Beeching!":
The railway inspector, a fan of hunting, gets off of a train and goes to the engine to thank the driver for the lovely ride. He says, "It's quite a coincidence isn't it; I spend my time hunting and shooting, and you spend your time shunting and hooting!"
Hopefully this is funny. I thought it was.
-Peter
The railway inspector, a fan of hunting, gets off of a train and goes to the engine to thank the driver for the lovely ride. He says, "It's quite a coincidence isn't it; I spend my time hunting and shooting, and you spend your time shunting and hooting!"
Hopefully this is funny. I thought it was.
-Peter
EM2
Established Member
In the old days of the Soviet Union, a factory worker has managed to save enough to buy a new Lada. So he goes to the showroom and orders his car.
When all the formalities are completed, he asks the salesman how long for delivery.
'Six years', says the salesman.
'Six years? Morning or afternoon?'
'Comrade, it's six years away. Why does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber's coming in the morning...'
When all the formalities are completed, he asks the salesman how long for delivery.
'Six years', says the salesman.
'Six years? Morning or afternoon?'
'Comrade, it's six years away. Why does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber's coming in the morning...'
EM2
Established Member
And while on the theme of the Soviet Union...
Why did the KGB go around in threes?
One to do the reading.
One to do the writing.
And one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
Why did the KGB go around in threes?
One to do the reading.
One to do the writing.
And one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
zuriblue
Member
What’s thick, white and smells of strawberries?
Tommy Robinson
Tommy Robinson
Adlington
Member
- Joined
- 3 Oct 2016
- Messages
- 1,040
Date: You shouldn't be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it's bad for the environment
Date: It's just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Me: I know, I know, it's bad for the environment
Date: It's just a weird way to eat spaghetti
47403
Established Member
Police are on the hunt for a man, who's stabbed 5 people in the backside with a knitting needle in the last 48 hours
Police believe the man daubed the knitting needle nutter, could be following some kind of pattern.
Sorry, i'll leave now......
Police believe the man daubed the knitting needle nutter, could be following some kind of pattern.
Sorry, i'll leave now......
Well, that had me in stitches.
VioletEclipse
Member
Scientists: We have eleven years to prevent irreversible climate breakdown with a load of feedback loops that are going to cause huge damage to the environment and even risk the extinction of the human race. We have already known about it for thirty years and it's getting pretty urgent that we do something.
Politicians: Yeah... but let's keep wasting time on brexit and fund billions of pounds into fossil fuels, because that's definitely what we currently need to do.
Sadly it's actually what's happening.
Politicians: Yeah... but let's keep wasting time on brexit and fund billions of pounds into fossil fuels, because that's definitely what we currently need to do.
Sadly it's actually what's happening.
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 1,906
I tried cooking corned beef fritters for tea, but made a hash out of it
I tried cooking some unusual pork aural delicacy, but made a right pig's ear of it
DerekC
Established Member
First mathematical joke:
Q. Two cats sitting on a roof - which one slides off first?
A. The one with the smallest mew.
Q. Two cats sitting on a roof - which one slides off first?
A. The one with the smallest mew.
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
I had a job in a staff canteen... but I made a mess of it.
scotrail158713
Established Member
Me: There’s been a fire in Tesco.
Friend from Liverpool: Has there?
Me: No, Tesco.
Friend from Liverpool: Has there?
Me: No, Tesco.
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 1,906
If you are captured by cannibals, remember to stay cool.calm and collected.
No point in ending up in a stew
No point in ending up in a stew
Peter Mugridge
Veteran Member
Ha! I'm nicking that one for Twitter... 
433N
Guest
- Joined
- 20 Jun 2017
- Messages
- 752
A joke told to me by a Russian when I visited the Soviet Union back in (perestroikal) times ...
"What's that building ? ", a tourist asks his russian guide.
"It's the Ljubjanka, the headquarter of the KGB. It's the tallest building in Russia" , the guide replies.
"It doesn't look that tall"
"Well, from the basement you can see Siberia"
zuriblue
Member
Think you’re having a hard time of it? Spare a thought for poor Ernie Moir. Every time he goes to a football match the whole crowd chant in unison accusing him of not singing.
Adlington
Member
- Joined
- 3 Oct 2016
- Messages
- 1,040
Last minute solution to a railway problem....
47403
Established Member
The girlfriend told me', Sex is better on holiday.
Have to admit, its not the best postcard, I've ever recieved.
Pray for my Mother in Law
Shes been rushed into hospital after a bee landed on her face.
Luckily for her, it never stung her, I was far too quick with the shovel.
Have to admit, its not the best postcard, I've ever recieved.
Pray for my Mother in Law
Shes been rushed into hospital after a bee landed on her face.
Luckily for her, it never stung her, I was far too quick with the shovel.
LOL The Irony
On Moderation
Going to put this here
hexagon789
Veteran Member
47403
Established Member
47403
Established Member
Why did I get divorced?
Last week.was my Birthday. My wife and kids said nothing, my parents and work and rest of my family too. Zip, not a happy birthday, not a single present.
As I entered the office my secretary said 'Happy Birthday Boss', I felt so special, that someone had remembered, so much so I invited her out for lunch.
After a couple of drinks and finishing our lunch, she invited me back to her house.
After 5 mins in her house, she said, I'm just gonna go to the bedroom give me 5mins. I thought, wow this is gonna be a grand birthday present.
5 mins later she arrived in the room with a Birthday cake, my wife, kids, parents, other family members and work colleagues. Who were as shocked as I was to see me naked on the sofa
Last week.was my Birthday. My wife and kids said nothing, my parents and work and rest of my family too. Zip, not a happy birthday, not a single present.
As I entered the office my secretary said 'Happy Birthday Boss', I felt so special, that someone had remembered, so much so I invited her out for lunch.
After a couple of drinks and finishing our lunch, she invited me back to her house.
After 5 mins in her house, she said, I'm just gonna go to the bedroom give me 5mins. I thought, wow this is gonna be a grand birthday present.
5 mins later she arrived in the room with a Birthday cake, my wife, kids, parents, other family members and work colleagues. Who were as shocked as I was to see me naked on the sofa
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Passenger John
Member
Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
Brought to mind by recent doings in the "Cryptic clues = station name" game on the Quizzes and Games sub-forum: a contender here, I feel, for the title of the world's most groan-worthy punchline.
There was once a weaver who came back to his house / workshop after some hours' absence, to find that the place had been broken into, and his loom was no longer there. This was of course troubling for him; not least, in that he had been in the middle of a very complicated and intricate piece of weaving. It was in one of those parts of the world where if life gets bothersome for you, going to the police won't help, and will probably make things worse -- so he quickly got in touch with his friends and neighbours; he and they set out in their cars and scoured the neighbourhood for whoever might have done the dastardly deed.
After some hours, the quest succeeded -- it turned out that the theft had been more of a prank, than really in earnest: the perpetrators had played a game of "catch", energetically throwing the loom around the place -- which had greatly messed up the weaving assignment then in progress, but done no permanent harm. Weaver and friends did some moderate physical chastisement of the guilty folk, then drove off in triumph back to the weaver's home, in a small convoy of cars. They expressed their glee by loudly and prolongedly making noise with the cars' horns.
So, this is the tale of the tossed loom of tootin' car-men (lost tomb of Tutankhamen).
There was once a weaver who came back to his house / workshop after some hours' absence, to find that the place had been broken into, and his loom was no longer there. This was of course troubling for him; not least, in that he had been in the middle of a very complicated and intricate piece of weaving. It was in one of those parts of the world where if life gets bothersome for you, going to the police won't help, and will probably make things worse -- so he quickly got in touch with his friends and neighbours; he and they set out in their cars and scoured the neighbourhood for whoever might have done the dastardly deed.
After some hours, the quest succeeded -- it turned out that the theft had been more of a prank, than really in earnest: the perpetrators had played a game of "catch", energetically throwing the loom around the place -- which had greatly messed up the weaving assignment then in progress, but done no permanent harm. Weaver and friends did some moderate physical chastisement of the guilty folk, then drove off in triumph back to the weaver's home, in a small convoy of cars. They expressed their glee by loudly and prolongedly making noise with the cars' horns.
So, this is the tale of the tossed loom of tootin' car-men (lost tomb of Tutankhamen).
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krus_aragon
Established Member
Why did the washboard tell the mangle to answer the phone?
Because it was wringing.
Because it was wringing.
Go to your room and take a good long think about if you're proud of what you've done here...
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