Forum Jokes

[Jamesrob637]

Karl Marx' daughter was the starter for running races

Her first name was Onya

 

[DaveHarries]

I took some baby goats to a livestock competition at the local county show.


Imagine my disappointment when I found out that Alan Hansen was judging it.

Apologies but I don't get this one.
Dave

 

[PG]

Apologies but I don't get this one.
Dave

I had to look it up too, but then I don't follow football.

Alan Hansen is an ex footballer turned pundit who apparently once said:

"I think they've got problems. I wouldn't say they have got major problems. Obviously three players have departed and the trick is buy when you are strong. So he needs to buy players. You can't win anything with kids."

 

[Shimbleshanks]

I was going to go on one of those assertiveness training courses.
But the Missus wouldn't let me...

 

[PG]

I thought I was getting paranoid.

Until I realised I was just imagining it...

 

[Shimbleshanks]

Did you hear about that Argentine footballer who's going to set up a chain of family restaurants with his brother? They'll be called the Messi Eaters

 

[DaveHarries]

As it is revealed Stonehenge may have been relocated from Wales in 3000BC, archaeologists say thankfully they didn't use Hermes or it would still be in transit.

Dave

 

[Tracked]

As it is revealed Stonehenge may have been relocated from Wales in 3000BC, archaeologists say thankfully they didn't use Hermes or it would still be in transit.

Dave

Meant to be delivered to Plymouth, but they weren't in

 

[d9009alycidon]

Under hypnosis it was revealed that my wife was a member of an indigenous American tribe in a previous life, she went by the name Four Horses.



I thought, that figures, even in her present life she be nag, nag, nag, nag

 

[Calthrop]

A man walks into a pub, accompanied by a giraffe. He orders two pints; the man drinks one, the giraffe the other. "Two more pints, please," the man requests; and they repeat the performance numerous times throughout the evening, man and beast matching each other pint for pint. After the tenth pint, the man bids the barman goodnight; he and his giraffe stagger toward the door. The highly-inebriated giraffe stumbles, falls to the floor, and remains there motionless; the man just keeps on heading out of the pub. "Oi !" the barman exclaims, "you can't leave that lying there". The man turns around, and says "itsh not a lion, itsh a giraffe".

 

[REVUpminster]

We all know of the only football team in the Bible; Queen of the South. There are also two ice cream makers: Wall's of Jericho and Lyons of Jerusalem.

 

[jon0844]

As it is revealed Stonehenge may have been relocated from Wales in 3000BC, archaeologists say thankfully they didn't use Hermes or it would still be in transit.

Dave

Probably used Yodel. That's why instead of being delivered to someone's home, they dumped it in a field.

 

[Jamesrob637]

Probably used Yodel. That's why instead of being delivered to someone's home, they dumped it in a field.

Nah, they used Hermes and threw the stones over the hedges lining the A303

 

[Welshman]

We all know of the only football team in the Bible; Queen of the South. There are also two ice cream makers: Wall's of Jericho and Lyons of Jerusalem.

Not to mention the first cricket match when Peter stood before the Eleven and was bold.....
And, of course, the first car in the Old Testament, where we read King David's triumph was heard throughout the land.

 

[Calthrop]

And, to get thoroughly childish: why are there only 25 letters in the alphabet? Because the angels said "Noel" (no L).

 

[d9009alycidon]

Not to mention the first cricket match when Peter stood before the Eleven and was bold.....
And, of course, the first car in the Old Testament, where we read King David's triumph was heard throughout the land.

Things improved in the New Testament, apparently The Bible says the wise men all came in one Accord, must have been the first Honda, well the Wise Men came from the East after all.

 

[najaB]

Things improved in the New Testament, apparently The Bible says the wise men all came in one Accord, must have been the first Honda, well the Wise Men came from the East after all.

Must've been an hybrid because after the flood Noah sent the dove out and it came back with a (Nissan) Leaf.

 

[EveningStar]

And, to get thoroughly childish: why are there only 25 letters in the alphabet? Because the angels said "Noel" (no L).

Actually, since 1982 only 23, as ET went home.

 

[Cowley]

Actually, since 1982 only 23, as ET went home.

Nice one centurion.

 

[Peter C]

Saw this on Twitter this morning. Not one of my own, but from @DriverPotter on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/DriverPotter/status/1362770491535196162

A bishop, a priest and a rabbit walk into the hospital to donate blood.
“What’s your blood group?” asks the nurse.
“I think I’m a type O,” replies the rabbit.

-Peter

 

[scotrail158713]

Saw this on Twitter this morning. Not one of my own, but from @DriverPotter on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/DriverPotter/status/1362770491535196162

-Peter

I had to read that a couple of times to get it

 

[Welshman]

in the New Testament, apparently The Bible says the wise men all came in one Accord, must have been the first Honda, well the Wise Men came from the East after all.

Sorry, but I can't let this move on without noting that the angels went back to King David's old favourite, a Triumph.
They were the Herald Angels, after all.

 

[Shimbleshanks]

I had to read that a couple of times to get it

My mate still hasn't got it, even after two explanations. Is now accusing me of having got the joke wrong by typing rabbit instead of rabbi...

 

[Peter C]

I had to read that a couple of times to get it

My mate still hasn't got it, even after two explanations. Is now accusing me of having got the joke wrong by typing rabbit instead of rabbi...

I'll admit it took me a couple of times to get it as well - quite a clever joke. Hence why I didn't write it!

-Peter

 

[DaveHarries]

The list of papers to be read on Alcohol and Related Diseases at a recent Advanced Medical Conference read as follows:

9.15 Alcohol in the blood
10.15 Alcohol in the liver
11.15 Alcohol in the pancreas
11.45 Alcohol in the heart
12.15 Alcoholisms
12.45 Bar opens.



Dave

 

[GusB]

My other half used to work in a labour ward, but quit when she was 40 - she was having a midwife crisis.

 

[matacaster]

One for all fellow Yorkshire persons. Woman dies. Husband speaks to stonemason says he wants "She was thine" on grave stone. Man goes back next day and sees Mason has carved "She was thin". He berates Mason and says he's missed of the 'e'. Goes back next day and looks at gravestone it now reads "E she was thin".

Not to mention the first cricket match when Peter stood before the Eleven and was bold.....
And, of course, the first car in the Old Testament, where we read King David's triumph was heard throughout the land.

Presumably a herald?

 

[scotrail158713]

Yesterday I bought a top-quality hearing aid

What kind is it?

10 o’clock

 

[AndrewE]

One for all fellow Yorkshire persons. Woman dies. Husband speaks to stonemason says he wants "She was thine" on grave stone. Man goes back next day and sees Mason has carved "She was thin". He berates Mason and says he's missed of the 'e'. Goes back next day and looks at gravestone it now reads "E she was thin".

Very good...

 

[DaveHarries]

A man is sitting in a cafe. He has just finished his snack when a waiter brings his bill. It says:

Scone and buter £1.25
Tea 40p

"Take it back", he says to the waiter, "and rewrite it so that it says butter with two Ts." Shortly after the waiter returns with a new bill:

Scone and buter £1.25
2 Teas 80p

Dave