Xenophon PCDGS
Veteran Member
With their current form in both League and Cup, could Manchester United now be awarded an honorary place on the Forum Jokes thread...
-
Our booking engine at tickets.railforums.co.uk (powered by TrainSplit) helps support the running of the forum with every ticket purchase! Find out more and ask any questions/give us feedback in this thread!
Forum Jokes
- Thread starter Heinz57
- Start date
- Status
Sponsor Post - registered members do not see these adverts; click here to register, or click here to log in
R
RailUK Forums
table38
Established Member
Peter Mugridge
Veteran Member
With their current form in both League and Cup, could Manchester United now be awarded an honorary place on the Forum Jokes thread...
I'm not into football myself, but that didn't stop me tweeting this after seeing the news a couple of nights ago:
table38
Established Member
When Moyes was in charge, he said he'd get United into a major European competition even if he had to write the song himself 
43106
Member
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down, so they resort to hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave.
The Scousers suggest that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon and the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time, he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies, with sarcasm, "Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this and wants to take a look. He opens the back door, has a peek, then quickly shuts and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and theyve already nicked a motorbike!
The Scousers suggest that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon and the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time, he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies, with sarcasm, "Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this and wants to take a look. He opens the back door, has a peek, then quickly shuts and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and theyve already nicked a motorbike!
DaveHarries
Established Member
One of the silliest jokes I have heard in a long while but can't resist sharing it:
- - - - -
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
- - - - -
Dave
- - - - -
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
- - - - -
Dave
Peter Mugridge
Veteran Member
Alex Salmond was worried by the lead in the polls held by the "No!" campaign, so he changed the wording on the ballot papers. They now read:
Yes - Scotland should be an independent country.
No - Scotland should not be part of the United Kingdom.
Yes - Scotland should be an independent country.
No - Scotland should not be part of the United Kingdom.
43106
Member
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "Why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)........................A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
And finally... there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "Why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)........................A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
And finally... there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A retiring Vicar was enjoying his leaving-party when a woman came up to him and said:-
"Oh, I shall be so sorry to see you go"
"Really?" he replied.
"Yes" she said, "there'll never be another as good as you"
"Oh, don't say that" he replied. "You never know"
"Oh but I do" she replied. "I've seen ten vicars come and go and they've all been worse than the last"
"Oh, I shall be so sorry to see you go"
"Really?" he replied.
"Yes" she said, "there'll never be another as good as you"
"Oh, don't say that" he replied. "You never know"
"Oh but I do" she replied. "I've seen ten vicars come and go and they've all been worse than the last"
43106
Member
ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT USERS
It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise known as "Windaz Too-Thoosand", may have accidentally been shipped out of Newcastle.
If you have one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help understanding the commands. You will be able to tell immediately if you have a copy of Windaz 2000 by the egg-timer being replaced by a bottle of Brown Ale and a Grammar Check that automatically ends every sentence with a simile. "Kna worra mean, like?"
Windaz Too-Thoosand does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled "Sh*te"
Dialup Networking is called "Me mates"
Control Panel is known as "How we mook aboot wi the settins"
The hard disk drive (c) is referred to as "The flashin light on the froont"
Other features to note:
OK - 'Alreet'
Cancel - 'Booga that'
Yes - 'WhyAye, man'
No - 'Haddaway and sh*te'
Go to - 'Owa there'
Help - 'Haway man, ah cannit dee it'
Personal Folder/My Documents - 'Arll me sh*te'
Applications exclusive to Windaz 2000:
Tipe Rita - a word processor
Cullarin Book - a graphics package
Addin Masheen - a calculator
Dole 2000 - accounting software
Readers Wives - Internet Explorer
It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise known as "Windaz Too-Thoosand", may have accidentally been shipped out of Newcastle.
If you have one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help understanding the commands. You will be able to tell immediately if you have a copy of Windaz 2000 by the egg-timer being replaced by a bottle of Brown Ale and a Grammar Check that automatically ends every sentence with a simile. "Kna worra mean, like?"
Windaz Too-Thoosand does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled "Sh*te"
Dialup Networking is called "Me mates"
Control Panel is known as "How we mook aboot wi the settins"
The hard disk drive (c) is referred to as "The flashin light on the froont"
Other features to note:
OK - 'Alreet'
Cancel - 'Booga that'
Yes - 'WhyAye, man'
No - 'Haddaway and sh*te'
Go to - 'Owa there'
Help - 'Haway man, ah cannit dee it'
Personal Folder/My Documents - 'Arll me sh*te'
Applications exclusive to Windaz 2000:
Tipe Rita - a word processor
Cullarin Book - a graphics package
Addin Masheen - a calculator
Dole 2000 - accounting software
Readers Wives - Internet Explorer
Peter Mugridge
Veteran Member
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years.
The wizard replies Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation: I now pronounce you husband and wife.
The wizard replies Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation: I now pronounce you husband and wife.
90019
Established Member
To the French chap who translated 'Beaucoup' for me earlier - Thanks.
It meant a lot.
It meant a lot.
swj99
Member
- Joined
- 7 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 765
I'm not saying my girlfriend is ugly...
But this Halloween she went to tell the neighbours to turn their TV down and they gave her some Haribo.
But this Halloween she went to tell the neighbours to turn their TV down and they gave her some Haribo.
David
Established Member
What's six inches long, got a purple head and drives women crazy? A £20 note
What's long and hard, and makes women groan? An ironing board.
What's long and hard, and makes women groan? An ironing board.
ThePannier
Member
Alan Carr and Gok Wan can't have a child - because their surname would be 'Wan - Carr'.
PaxVobiscum
Established Member
Somebody just sent me this one:
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, hes my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find it all in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*** off."
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, hes my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find it all in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*** off."
Last edited:
table38
Established Member
Burglars have become very clever recently.
Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.
Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.
Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.
Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.
zuriblue
Member
Ventriloquist approaches his agent and complains about lack of work. His agent replies "Well, your a bit out of date now, why don't you change course, become a Medium and hold séances, very popular at the moment." So off he goes on a crash Mediums course and one month later sets up shop on the High Street. His first customer is an old lady.
Med. Yes Madam, what can we do for you?
O.L. Well its about my Jack, he died six months ago and ooh, I do miss 'im. I'd like to get in touch with 'im.
Med. No problem madam, we should be able to help you there, we have the £10 séance, the £15 séance, or the luxury £25 séance.
O.L. Well I haven't got much money, what do I get for £10?
Med. For £10 madam, you ask me a question, I ask Jack, he replies to me and I tell you the answer.
O.L. Oh dear, that sounds a bit impersonal, what do I get for £15?
Med. For £15, you ask me a question, I ask Jack, and he replies directly to you, in his own voice, in this very room.
O.L. Oh that's much better, I think I'll go for that, but can you just tell me what I would get for£25?
Med. Well madam for £25 you get our full luxury séance, where you ask me a question, I ask Jack, and he replies directly to you in his own voice, in this very room, whilst I drink a glass of water.
Med. Yes Madam, what can we do for you?
O.L. Well its about my Jack, he died six months ago and ooh, I do miss 'im. I'd like to get in touch with 'im.
Med. No problem madam, we should be able to help you there, we have the £10 séance, the £15 séance, or the luxury £25 séance.
O.L. Well I haven't got much money, what do I get for £10?
Med. For £10 madam, you ask me a question, I ask Jack, he replies to me and I tell you the answer.
O.L. Oh dear, that sounds a bit impersonal, what do I get for £15?
Med. For £15, you ask me a question, I ask Jack, and he replies directly to you, in his own voice, in this very room.
O.L. Oh that's much better, I think I'll go for that, but can you just tell me what I would get for£25?
Med. Well madam for £25 you get our full luxury séance, where you ask me a question, I ask Jack, and he replies directly to you in his own voice, in this very room, whilst I drink a glass of water.
theboywho
Member
What's the difference between a dolphin and a goat? One mucks about in a fountain, and the other.....
zuriblue
Member
The incoming Syriza government in Greece have stated that their first concern is to ensure that Taramasalata & Tzatziki production remains stable during the transition period.
They really don't want a double dip recession..
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
ftfy
They really don't want a double dip recession..
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
ftfy
Last edited:
43106
Member
10 Thoughts for Today
10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you push them down the stairs.
5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather - it pays no attention to criticism.
3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you £50 and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?
2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration...
10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you push them down the stairs.
5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather - it pays no attention to criticism.
3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you £50 and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?
2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration...
DaveHarries
Established Member
Oh dear. Taxi for zariblue please!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A Scottish priest is driving home when he come across a dead pig lying on the road. So he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the call. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.
"Naw." replies the priest "I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"
Dave
Last edited:
Peter Mugridge
Veteran Member
A steam train was coming along the line and a social worker asked an enthusiast what the engine was.
"A Bulleid Pacific" answered the enthusiast.
"Really?" replied the social worker. "Who is picking on it then? Is there anyone to stand up for it?"
"A Bulleid Pacific" answered the enthusiast.
"Really?" replied the social worker. "Who is picking on it then? Is there anyone to stand up for it?"
swj99
Member
- Joined
- 7 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 765
I woke up this morning and said to my wife, "That was amazing last night. Were you faking it?"
"No," she replied. "I really was asleep."
"No," she replied. "I really was asleep."
Tracked
Established Member
incidentally, it didn't work
table38
Established Member
Today is International Women's Day.
It was supposed to be yesterday, but it took them so long to get ready...
It was supposed to be yesterday, but it took them so long to get ready...
Howardh
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 May 2011
- Messages
- 8,180
And has been postponed until tomorrow as they can't find anywhere big enough to park...
theboywho
Member
incidentally, it didn't work
A major inconvenience........
....I'll get me coat (yes I know g# isn't a regular in this)
- Status