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Forum Jokes
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Jona26
Member
I don't think it's ever too early to get the cracker jokes going so...
Why was the snowman looking at carrots?
Because he was picking his nose!
Why was the snowman looking at carrots?
Because he was picking his nose!
Two 70 year old men, Billy and Pete, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Pete is dying Billy visits him every day.
One day Billy says, "Pete, we have both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Pete looks up at Billy from his death bed "Billy, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.” Shortly after that, Pete sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Billy is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him
"Billy......Billy"
"Who is it?” asks Billy sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Billy - It's me, Pete."
"You're not Pete... Pete just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me...... Pete," insists the voice.
"Pete! Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven" replies Pete "and I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Billy.
"The good news," Pete says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic." says Billy. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?”
"You're in the team for this Saturday!”
One day Billy says, "Pete, we have both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Pete looks up at Billy from his death bed "Billy, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.” Shortly after that, Pete sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Billy is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him
"Billy......Billy"
"Who is it?” asks Billy sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Billy - It's me, Pete."
"You're not Pete... Pete just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me...... Pete," insists the voice.
"Pete! Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven" replies Pete "and I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Billy.
"The good news," Pete says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic." says Billy. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?”
"You're in the team for this Saturday!”
Skimpot flyer
Established Member
- Joined
- 16 Nov 2012
- Messages
- 1,612
What’s the difference between a snowoman and a snowman ?
‘s no balls ...
Jona26
Member
The Prime Minister said today that the state of the economy was in no way connected to the arrest this morning on Dover beach of a large group of illegal immigrants who were trying to leave the country.
Jona26
Member
It was revealed today in a government report that the Prime Minister works such long hours it's the equivalent of two men...
...Laurel and Hardy!
...Laurel and Hardy!
Heard on LBC Radio this morning.
When they invented golf, they thought about how they would name the scores. Par would be where the golfer went round in an averge score, a birdie was if you putted one better than par, an eagle was if you were two better than par, and a partridge was if you putted three less than par.
However, they then realised that it was impossible to complete a round in three less than par for each hole, thus,
you can't get a partridge on a par three
When they invented golf, they thought about how they would name the scores. Par would be where the golfer went round in an averge score, a birdie was if you putted one better than par, an eagle was if you were two better than par, and a partridge was if you putted three less than par.
However, they then realised that it was impossible to complete a round in three less than par for each hole, thus,
you can't get a partridge on a par three
A man travelling across Europe catches a nasty cold.
While resting at a hotel in Madrid, a man realizes hes sick and needs to go to the hospital. He quickly walks to the hotel's check-in desk and asks where the nearest hospital is, as he didnt really know what to call or where to go.
The hotel clerk says to the man: "No worries, sir. We shall call the hospital and send a doctor to your room straight away, please go back and wait for them."
The man returns to his room, when suddenly he hears a knock at his door. A small, young doctor walks in to address his cold. Sizing up the sick man, he quickly discovers his issue:
"Sir, I see you have a cold. Please lay down, face up, and close your eyes. I will cure you."
The man lays down, in silence. As his eyes shut, he feels a needle injected into his upper chest. Shocked, he exclaims to the doctor:
"What the hell! What did you just inject into me?!"
The doctor, smiling, replied: "Poison, of course. In exactly 24 hours, you will die a brutal death."
The man stammers: "W-What? You're never going to get away with this!"
"Of course I will. Nobody suspects the Spanish Inn Physician."
While resting at a hotel in Madrid, a man realizes hes sick and needs to go to the hospital. He quickly walks to the hotel's check-in desk and asks where the nearest hospital is, as he didnt really know what to call or where to go.
The hotel clerk says to the man: "No worries, sir. We shall call the hospital and send a doctor to your room straight away, please go back and wait for them."
The man returns to his room, when suddenly he hears a knock at his door. A small, young doctor walks in to address his cold. Sizing up the sick man, he quickly discovers his issue:
"Sir, I see you have a cold. Please lay down, face up, and close your eyes. I will cure you."
The man lays down, in silence. As his eyes shut, he feels a needle injected into his upper chest. Shocked, he exclaims to the doctor:
"What the hell! What did you just inject into me?!"
The doctor, smiling, replied: "Poison, of course. In exactly 24 hours, you will die a brutal death."
The man stammers: "W-What? You're never going to get away with this!"
"Of course I will. Nobody suspects the Spanish Inn Physician."
ian1944
Member
Tastelessness alert ...
For sale, only £17,000, ground floor flat, 3 miles downstream from Hawick.
For sale, only £17,000, ground floor flat, 3 miles downstream from Hawick.
I'll guess that there's a serious problem with damp, then?
Struner
Member
Just came across this signal man joke, as told by Billy Connolly:
EbbwJunction1
Established Member
- Joined
- 25 Mar 2010
- Messages
- 1,565
Brilliant!!
Harlequin
Member
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Giugiaro
Member
Probably the last guy who fell for the trick, banging his head against the wall.
He now has a...
... banging mate.
I'm going to end up banned from the forum for this.
He now has a...
... banging mate.
I'm going to end up banned from the forum for this.
Ashley Hill
Established Member
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes!
No tomatoes!
Tesco, good, occasionally busy later.
Sainsbury's, moderate to good, rough in toilet roll aisle.
Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening.
Marks and Spencer's and Co-op, fair.
Waitrose, fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7.
Lidl, rough at first, easing later.
And that's the end of the Shopping Forecast.
(blatantly pinched from someone in my Facebook feed)
Sainsbury's, moderate to good, rough in toilet roll aisle.
Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening.
Marks and Spencer's and Co-op, fair.
Waitrose, fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7.
Lidl, rough at first, easing later.
And that's the end of the Shopping Forecast.
(blatantly pinched from someone in my Facebook feed)
Strat-tastic
Established Member
I need a giggle today, thanks
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
Prince Charles is on the mend after catching the Corona virus...
...which has disappointed him, as it's the only crown he's going to get anytime soon!
...which has disappointed him, as it's the only crown he's going to get anytime soon!
scotrail158713
Established Member
I’m very proud of my humbleness
Xenophon PCDGS
Veteran Member
The Dalai Lama on a visit to the North East wanted to anoint a local religious shrine with some Buddhist purified butter and was taken en route to his destination past the Angel of the North. He looked at the edifice and then at the purified butter held by his travelling companion with amazement and said in his newly acquired North-East accent......"I can't believe its not Buddha"
Posting made with apologies to the manufacturers of the iconic product in its blue and yellow plastic box.
Posting made with apologies to the manufacturers of the iconic product in its blue and yellow plastic box.
Requeststop
Member
An oldie but a goodie.
A man went to the bar. He's having a good time, having some drinks, all is well. As the night goes on, he keeps drinking and ends up throwing up all over his suit.
"Christ my wife's going to kill me! She's going to know I stayed out all night and got drunk! She told me never to get drunk again or it would be all over between us."
His best pal tells him " It's fine, just put a 20 pound note in your shirt pocket and tell your wife some guy here threw up on you, gave you 20 quid to get your suit cleaned. "
" Wonderful!" the man shouts, and puts 20 pounds in his pocket.
He gets home and as he walks through the door, his wife is standing there really pissed with him.
His wife "You've done it again. I told you if you came back here drunk it's all over. I'm leaving you right now to stay with my mother."
He remonstrates with his wife. No you've got it all wrong! While at the pub some guy threw up on my suit and gave me 20 pounds to get it cleaned! "
His wife looks in the envelope and discovers 40 pounds there "There are two 20 pound notes in the envelope. what's the second note for?"
"Yes," says the husband, "the second note is from the guy who shat in my trousers".
A man went to the bar. He's having a good time, having some drinks, all is well. As the night goes on, he keeps drinking and ends up throwing up all over his suit.
"Christ my wife's going to kill me! She's going to know I stayed out all night and got drunk! She told me never to get drunk again or it would be all over between us."
His best pal tells him " It's fine, just put a 20 pound note in your shirt pocket and tell your wife some guy here threw up on you, gave you 20 quid to get your suit cleaned. "
" Wonderful!" the man shouts, and puts 20 pounds in his pocket.
He gets home and as he walks through the door, his wife is standing there really pissed with him.
His wife "You've done it again. I told you if you came back here drunk it's all over. I'm leaving you right now to stay with my mother."
He remonstrates with his wife. No you've got it all wrong! While at the pub some guy threw up on my suit and gave me 20 pounds to get it cleaned! "
His wife looks in the envelope and discovers 40 pounds there "There are two 20 pound notes in the envelope. what's the second note for?"
"Yes," says the husband, "the second note is from the guy who shat in my trousers".
Adlington
Member
- Joined
- 3 Oct 2016
- Messages
- 1,040
Coronavirus lockdown lingo
Coronacoaster
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute
but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.
Quarantinis
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house.
The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini
with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock
during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.
Coronials
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born
during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more
spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.
Furlough Merlot
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “
bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.
Coronadose
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.
The elephant in the Zoom
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention.
E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or
has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.
Quentin Quarantino
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re
convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.
Covidiot or Wuhan-ker
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of
others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker”.
Goutbreak
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter
chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.
Antisocial distancing
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.
Coughin’ dodger
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.
Mask-ara
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.
Covid-10
The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking.
Also known as “fattening the curve."
Le Creuset wrist
It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.
Coronacoaster
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute
but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.
Quarantinis
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house.
The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini
with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock
during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.
Coronials
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born
during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more
spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.
Furlough Merlot
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “
bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.
Coronadose
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.
The elephant in the Zoom
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention.
E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or
has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.
Quentin Quarantino
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re
convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.
Covidiot or Wuhan-ker
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of
others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker”.
Goutbreak
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter
chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.
Antisocial distancing
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.
Coughin’ dodger
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.
Mask-ara
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.
Covid-10
The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking.
Also known as “fattening the curve."
Le Creuset wrist
It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.
Ashley Hill
Established Member
Anti-social distancing.
GRALISTAIR
Established Member
Fantastic - do you mind if I post some of these on Facebook or my twitter feed please?
IanD
Established Member
It's been doing the rounds. Sometimes with this added: Lockdown lingo - when we get to 2033/2034 the 'coronials' will become quaranteens
Adlington
Member
- Joined
- 3 Oct 2016
- Messages
- 1,040
It's not my work, so I don't mind. Enjoy!
scotrail158713
Established Member
What vegetable do you not want to find on a boat?
A leek
A leek
- Status