Forum Jokes

[Springs Branch]

A quip from a cab ride video I remember from years ago (it was on VHS tape, which sort of dates it).

Scene is in the cab of a Sprinter, having left Manchester Piccadilly and heading for Buxton.
The driver was quite talkative and a bit of a raconteur, chatting constantly to the video camera operator.
The topic was the daily trials and tribulations of getting your train through the block signalling bottleneck around Stockport.

After recounting an anecdote that the signalmen in the two Stockport 'boxes had a big row some years ago, and have refused to talk to each other ever since, the train ambled towards Heaton Norris Junction, AWS warning buzzer sounding in the background.

Driver: "Did you know, when the Scots invaded England in the 18th Century, this is as far as they got"
Video guy: "Is that right?"
Driver: "Aye. They couldn't get past Stockport No. 1 and No. 2"

 

[d9009alycidon]

An actual exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a Pan Am 747, call sign Speedbird 206
Speedbird 206 to Ground "Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"
Ground "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate alpha one seven"
The plane started, then slowed down and stopped
Ground "Speedbird 206, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206 "Stand by Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now"
Ground (impatiently) "Have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 "Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop"

Meanwhile a Lufthansa pilot, not realising that his mike was switched on complained about why all conversations between ground and the aircraft had to be in English, to which was heard muttered from the BA cockpit "because you lost the bloody war"

 

[Loppylugs]

Two snakes slithering through the grass together,
"Cecilia" asks one, "are we poisonous?"
"I don't know Sydney, what makes you ask?"
"Cos I've just bitten my tongue!"

 

[AndrewE]

A quip from a cab ride video I remember from years ago (it was on VHS tape, which sort of dates it).

Scene is in the cab of a Sprinter, having left Manchester Piccadilly and heading for Buxton.
The driver was quite talkative and a bit of a raconteur, chatting constantly to the video camera operator.
The topic was the daily trials and tribulations of getting your train through the block signalling bottleneck around Stockport.

After recounting an anecdote that the signalmen in the two Stockport 'boxes had a big row some years ago, and have refused to talk to each other ever since, the train ambled towards Heaton Norris Junction, AWS warning buzzer sounding in the background.

Driver: "Did you know, when the Scots invaded England in the 18th Century, this is as far as they got"
Video guy: "Is that right?"
Driver: "Aye. They couldn't get past Stockport No. 1 and No. 2"

There may be some truth behind that...
When I worked at Bristol Temple Meads in 1974 and commuted in on the train from Severn Beach we once ran straight in to Temple Meads, rather than waiting at "Stop-all Junction," as Dr Day's (I think it was) was commonly known. My colleague and I exchanged glances as it was almost unprecedented. As we got off the train we heard the voice of the Assistant Area Manager doing the announcements [from the signal box.] It seems that the people in the Panel Signalling Box were at daggers-drawn and would not usually speak or pass trains on to each other, so nothing was processed until it was standing at a signal waiting to be noticed!

 

[REVUpminster]

A person has been stealing wheels from police cars in the area. The police are working tirelessly to catch the thief.

The toilets seats were stolen from the police station. The police have nothing to go on.

Tortoises escaped from the Zoo. They were just too quick for us said a police spokesman.

An old joke from when I was studying Economics A-Level:

"Do you want to know a joke?"

"What?"

"The Euro"

If this joke was put on the Brexit thread, the wrath of God would fall upon you.

 

[najaB]

If this joke was put on the Brexit thread, the wrath of God would fall upon you.

With the Euro getting as high as 92p within the last 12 months it's not really funny as a joke any more.

 

[Calthrop]

Two snakes slithering through the grass together,
"Cecilia" asks one, "are we poisonous?"
"I don't know Sydney, what makes you ask?"
"Cos I've just bitten my tongue!"

The pedants could go to town here on the "poisonous" versus "venomous" thing, and totally spoil the fun...

 

[najaB]

The pedants could go to town here on the "poisonous" versus "venomous" thing, and totally spoil the fun...

Ironically, that actually makes it funnier - I'd be more worried about biting something poisonous than something venomous.

 

[Calthrop]

Though if a venomous snake bites itself -- is it then, one thing one way, and the other, 'tother? -- my brain is beginning to hurt !

 

[Loppylugs]

Ok guys, happy ending. They were grass snakes !
Try this one.

Two budgies, Cheepy and Chirpy, were sat together on a perch in their cage. Chirpy nudges Cheepy. "She'll be opening our door in a minute so we can have our daily exercise".
"I'm not feeling very well" says Cheepy, "you'll have to go on your own today".
The door opens and Chirpy duly flies out. Several loop the loops, a stroll along the curtain rail, trundle along the mantlepiece and a little doze on the back of the chair. After about half an hour he returns to the cage to see Cheepy with his feathers puffed out and wings crossed over his chest.
"Where the hell have you been?" screeches Cheepy, "it's bloody draughty in here with that door open!!"

 

[najaB]

Though if a venomous snake bites itself -- is it then, one thing one way, and the other, 'tother? -- my brain is beginning to hurt !

Not a joke, but in an odd coincidence this video just got published today:

 

[61653 HTAFC]

The snake joke reminds me of an old classic...

A baby polar bear asks his mother "mum, am I really a polar bear?" and the mother bear replies "of course you are dear... you've got thick white fur, you live in the Arctic, and love sprinting through the snow chasing seals. Why do you ask?"
So the baby bear replies "cos I'm ****ing freezing!"

 

[Loppylugs]

I was reminded recently by an old school chum of a rather busty young lady in our class who was renowned for continuously hugging and squeezing all the boys in the playground. Very popular amongst the lads of course and we both wondered how she fared in life, so if anyone on the forum has any knowledge of what became of Anna Conda I'd be most grateful.

 

[Red Onion]

I went to meet a date at the gym.

When she didn’t turn up, that’s when I realised we weren’t going to work out.

 

[Calthrop]

I went to meet a date at the gym.

When she didn’t turn up, that’s when I realised we weren’t going to work out.

Brought to mind a bit tortuously by the above --

One raisin to another: "My sister married an Eastern potentate, and now she's a Sultana".

 

[Loppylugs]

I was reminded recently by an old school chum of a rather busty young lady in our class who was renowned for continuously hugging and squeezing all the boys in the playground. Very popular amongst the lads of course and we both wondered how she fared in life, so if anyone on the forum has any knowledge of what became of Anna Conda I'd be most grateful.

Thanks to another school mate, I understand that Miss Conda married a Mr. M Python with whom their was apparently a lot of hiss-tory. They have high asp-irations of adder-ing to their family soon. (This is probably a load of cobras).

Locals in Brisbane have reported seeing a new kind of mammal in the community. Apparently a local moggie has perfected the knack of luring wildfowl from a lake in the north of the city and disappearing with them. Police have asked people to be on the lookout for a duck-filled fatty puss.

 

[najaB]

Locals in Brisbane have reported seeing a new kind of mammal in the community. Apparently a local moggie has perfected the knack of luring wildfowl from a lake in the north of the city and disappearing with them. Police have asked people to be on the lookout for a duck-filled fatty puss.

Your coat, sir.

 

[Master Cutler]

I bought my friend an elephant and he put in his room, and said thank you very much, I said, "Don't Mention It".

 

[Calthrop]

I bought my friend an elephant and he put in his room, and said thank you very much, I said, "Don't Mention It".

It took me a slight while to "get" this one -- but it's brilliant !



What do you call a camel with three humps?

Hum-phree.

 

[Master Cutler]

I phoned my insurance company and told them I'd tipped a bucket of paint over my head. They said don't worry sir, you're covered.

 

[Calthrop]

Joke involving what one reckons a rather archaic item of furniture; but anyway --


What did the hat say to the hatstand?

You stay there, and I'll go on ahead.

 

[Master Cutler]

All credit to M&S, they replaced my pair of guaranteed for life "Y" fronts no quibble, for an equivalent pair worth £5.75.
Not bad really considering the original pair cost me 2s/6d.

 

[CarrotPie]

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied. "How can you be so precise?" she asked. "Well, when I started working here, I asked a scientist the exact same question, and he said it was sixty-five million years old—and that was three years, two months and eighteen days ago."

 

[trainophile]

Joke involving what one reckons a rather archaic item of furniture; but anyway --


What did the hat say to the hatstand?

You stay there, and I'll go on ahead.

Or the version I grew up with...

What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, and I'll give these two a lift.

 

[najaB]

So, apparently the staff at Google went on strike.

I haven't been able to find out why.

 

[MotCO]

My mate Sid was the victim of id theft .


He's now called S

If you see him, tell him!

 

[greatvoyager]

My mate Sid was the victim of id theft .


He's now called S

Took me a while to get this one

 

[gnolife]

So, apparently the staff at Google went on strike.

I haven't been able to find out why.

I hear that they'd been searching for an excuse

 

[Farang]

Crime in multi-storey car parks: wrong on so many levels.

 

[MotCO]

Crime in multi-storey car parks: wrong on so many levels.

Sounds like Tim Vine?