Handy hints to make life easier

[Dennis]

Handy hints for an easier life...

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling, patting the seat and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

6. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

7. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

8. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

9. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

10. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pi**ing in the sink.

Anyone got more handy hints that make life easier?

 

[Waddon]

If your laptop, Mobile Phone or MP3 player is running low on charge, simply walk out of the railway station into the carpark or alternative dimly lit area, find the nearest group of hood wearing teenagers, show them the device, and ask them to assist you. You will find that you will never need to worry about charging that particular item again

 

[90019]

The joys of Viz Top Tips


Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

Apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

[EM2]

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only checking for traffic in the direction which the arrows on the signs point.

A dab of toothpaste on an elastic band makes for a cheap substitute for chewing gum.

Save on gas or electricity by half-filling your bath with bricks so it needs less hot water to fill.

Always check both ways when crossing a one-way street to avoid being run over by a very large removal lorry reversing into a parking space.

 

[Capybara]

When intending to travel by London Underground, always remember to take a dog with you. This will save any delay or embarrassment when encountering 'Dogs must be carried' signs on escalators.

 

[Geezertronic]

Don't buy expensive ribbed condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. Alternatively, stick a few curtain pole rings over "John Thomas" then put it on

When visiting the Cinema, please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a wee before the film starts

For Men: if you are all alone, lie on your arm until it goes dead and then masturbate so it feels as if someone else is doing it for you

 

[43021HST]

Stick rice crispies on the bottom of your car tires to sound like you own a luxury gravel driveway.

 

[43034 The Black Horse]

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling, patting the seat and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

We've all done No.4 I should think....

 

[Death]

Apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

...Or - According to a certain professor in Mettalurgy at one of London's bigger universities - Paint them in gold nail varnish, and then quickly and easily pick them up using a magnet!
(If ye aren't that familiar with this one; Gold is a diamagnetic material that weakly repels any magnetic force applied to it, meaning that a magnet can't be used to pick such clippings up in this case. :razz: )

Aye...Viz tips are really useful, that has to be said - There's a seemingly full page of 'em Here if anyone wants to read more!

Also...Take a peek at This post where I quoted another Viz gem relating to the ECML! 8)

 

[142094]

Here's one from that website:

"Look 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you."

 

[SouthEastern-465]

Dont want jehovahs witnesses knocking on your door?

Put a "Give Blood" sticker on the door.

 

[Mojo]

When the fire alarm goes off, ignore anyone who says "do not run" and leg it out the nearest exit as fast as you can. If you're not meant to run then the fire exit sign wouldn't have a man running on it.

 

[Aussie_Rail]

If you get the flu or a cold, make sure everyone else does as well.

If you are after a cheap thrill, go to a very crowded place, like a night club and spend the night crossing the room back and fourth, you will enjoy brushing past people, saying "sorry", "excuse me", "sorry". Or go to the Airport and demand a strip search.

 

[Nick W]

Squeaking brakes? Pour on a little oil.

 

[theblackwatch]

Viz was a classic in its heyday - I remember one issue in the early 90s when around half of the letters were 'written' by people who had variations on Deltic names as their actual names, many of them giving their location as Finsbury Park, Gateshead or Haymarket. Examples included S. Paddy, G. Howards, Mr D. L. Infantry and C. R. Pellow. I've a feeling a couple of Class 50s were thrown in too. Had me in stitches, though I guess 99%+ of the readership were none the wiser.