Have I made this person angry at me/hate me now?

[JDi]

I have been feeling a little bit down recently as I have been admittedly putting a lot of academic pressure on myself. I have been speaking to people less as I have been more study focused - whilst this is good academically, it has made me feel a bit isolated/lonely when I hit low points. I have been asking an old friend from elsewhere for advice, but I think that I had made them hate me and never want to hear from me again.

They advised me to get stuck into people and told me not to hold back on doing it before closing by writing something like:

'But don't be too keen as people hare that. There's another balance to be found here and it's up to you to find it'.

Does what they finished on suggest that they hate me and never want to speak to me again? Does 'its up to you to find it' suggest that they don't want to hear from me anymore? Also, does this suggest that they hate me now?

I do think in hindsight that I was contacting him quite frequently, about once a month for a period of about 6 months, but only because I was feeling so down and lonely. Living with Aspergers is so difficult for me - I always feel lonely. I don't think they realise how low I have been feeling during times of heavy academic commitments (and my innate shyness).

 

[J-2739]

No no no, not at all! This person is giving you reasonable advice and you should take to that.

 

[JDi]

I meant to say that they said 'don't be too keen as people hate that...' (I mistakenly typed 'hare')

 

[MidnightFlyer]

I can appreciate that having a condition like Aspergers can make it difficult to decipher things like that, but it sounds like your friend said it in a helpful way. Ultimately you can turn to people for advice all you want and it is a good thing especially if you are struggling, however the only person able to actually enact any of that is yourself. I know it must be tough for you but you will find that balance.

Edit - Re-reading your opening post, it seems as though your friend was encouraging you to go out and talk to and meet new people, just don't be overbearing.

 

[JDi]

Hi @MidnightFlyer, thanks for responding! What does overbearing mean in this context?

 

[MidnightFlyer]

Hi @MidnightFlyer, thanks for responding! What does overbearing mean in this context?

I would say just be friendly and open and see where that leads, for example just have a chat with a random person at a society meet up or something. If the conversation begins to flow then that is good, but if for whatever reason it doesn't lead to anything then I would let it go - basically, I meant don't chase something incessantly if the dynamic just isn't there!

 

[JDi]

I would say just be friendly and open and see where that leads, for example just have a chat with a random person at a society meet up or something. If the conversation begins to flow then that is good, but if for whatever reason it doesn't lead to anything then I would let it go - basically, I meant don't chase something incessantly if the dynamic just isn't there!

Thanks! Do you think the person who I was speaking to now hates me/doesn't want to be my friend or speak to me anymore?

 

[Bletchleyite]

Thanks! Do you think the person who I was speaking to now hates me/doesn't want to be my friend or speak to me anymore?

From what you have posted, no, that is not the case.

The bit about it being up to you to find it doesn't mean he doesn't want to advise you, it's more that he can't practically advise you on absolutely everything because he isn't there with you to experience each situation personally.

 

[MidnightFlyer]

Thanks! Do you think the person who I was speaking to now hates me/doesn't want to be my friend or speak to me anymore?

Not at all.

 

[najaB]

Thanks! Do you think the person who I was speaking to now hates me/doesn't want to be my friend or speak to me anymore?

No. If they didn't want to be your friend then they wouldn't have given you the advice in the first place!

 

[roversfan2001]

Bump...

The last post in the thread was less than 14 hours ago...

'it's up to you to find it' just means that as much as they want to help you, there's only so much they can do and that you need to find the balance between speaking to new people and having a conversation and coming across as a bit needy. I'm sure that they actually feel quite good that you have come to them for advice and that you trust them to give correct advice, rather than them hating you for it.

 

[JDi]

Do you think that they are angry at me and never want to hear from me again now?

 

[talltim]

Why don't you ask them?

 

[roversfan2001]

Do you think that they are angry at me and never want to hear from me again now?

Absolutely not.

 

[amateur]

What's your academic commitment. Are you doing a PhD.

Which university and which degree programme are you doing?!

I have a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome. With hindsight,
Ignorance is bliss. I used to take language VERY literally. I prefer talking to international people as they often communicate in the same manner as myself.

Neurotypicals, as I like to call them say one thing, and usually mean the opposite! It can often take me 24 hours to realise what they were saying.

I will repeatedly ask the same question regarding my behaviour (quirkisms) at work, and I will get the same answer.

A month later I will ask them the same question, and I will get an honest response! Despite my not changing my behaviour/making any adjustments.

 

[kentuckytony]

I know several people with your syndrome. I could almost tell from your writing that you have this before you mentioned it.
Just take it easy on yourself and don't try to guess what others are thinking ahead of time.

 

[JDi]

Hi @kentuckytony - wow, how did my writing give it away?!

 

[61653 HTAFC]

I think people are just remembering that you've mentioned your Aspergers before, so don't worry about that too much!

As a fellow Aspie, I also tend to be overly cautious about how I come across sometimes- in my case it's at least in part down to a late diagnosis (I was 30).

If this friend has known you a long time (and especially if they are aware of your Aspergers) then it's probably safe to assume that if they had a problem with anything you'd said (and based on your account it would be unreasonable of them to do so) they'd make it absolutely clear to you.

As for the advice they gave, I concur with the other posters who have said that it is good advice- but I also think that it's easier said than done to suddenly start being more confident, especially with Aspergers as it isn't easy to gauge peoples' reactions to you.

Anyway, best of luck with your studies AND with the social side of University!

 

[kentuckytony]

Hi @kentuckytony - wow, how did my writing give it away?!

JDi, my Asperger friends ask similar questions to yours and share similar fears about how to interpret what others are saying.
I am glad you are dealing with it by posting, etc.
Be gentle with yourself.

 

[43021HST]

In regards to your comments about being overbearing. I think your friend meant, to take things slowly with people and don't be too disheartened if within a few weeks they don't necessarily fully engage with you to the level you can call them friends.

This may sound a bit antisocial, but there's nothing wrong with dedicating more time to studying rather than socialising and don't put the pressure on yourself to be social if you don't wish too. Appreciate the friends you have, and if you find yourself trying too hard to engage with new people, they may not be worthwhile. I've found speaking and meeting people who eventually become true friends happens without even thinking about it.

I understand it can be lonely at times, but having no friends is better than being surrounded by fake ones.

 

[najaB]

I understand it can be lonely at times, but having no friends is better than being surrounded by fake ones.

While that is true, it doesn't sound like something that JDi has to worry about.