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JUST FOR FUN: If Other Companies Made Trains
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Howardh
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More like the wrong sort of train turns up!
You probably won't get this, but just imagine Micheal Fish announing over the tannoy "A Mrs hedges from Bristol says a pacer is on it's way, well I can assure everyone it isn't"
Squeek, squeek, chunt, squeek, screech.......dozens of them....
Red Bull - Makes you think its going to work extra hard when in reality, its works the same but it just slows down towards the end of the journey
Honda - Reliable services that are well made and rarely break down, but when they do its cheaper to buy a new train
ALDI - Simple and Basic and Budget Train, but it gets the job done
Co Op - A train that will get you to your destination, look after your money while travelling, sell you grocery's and plan your funeral all in the 1 journey
Compare the Market - A train that will be cute to look at to begin with, but then irritates you every time you see it
Ebay - Can make every kind of train that you need, but only some that you actually want
Honda - Reliable services that are well made and rarely break down, but when they do its cheaper to buy a new train
ALDI - Simple and Basic and Budget Train, but it gets the job done
Co Op - A train that will get you to your destination, look after your money while travelling, sell you grocery's and plan your funeral all in the 1 journey
Compare the Market - A train that will be cute to look at to begin with, but then irritates you every time you see it
Ebay - Can make every kind of train that you need, but only some that you actually want
If Microsoft made trains:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your train would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they relaid the tracks, new trains would have to be procured.
3. Occasionally the traction motors will shut off for no reason. The train will slow to a halt and the driver will have close any open windows, shut off the engine, restart it, and reopen the windows before continuing.
4. Occasionally the train will shut down and refuse to restart, in which case the engine will have to be reinstalled.
5. Apple would make a train that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the tracks.
6. All warning lights in the drivers cab would be replaced by a single "This Train Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The braking system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, the driver will be locked out of his cab and the train will refuse to let him in until he simultaneously lifts the door handle, turns the key and grabs hold of the radio antenna.
9. The driver has to press the "Start" button to stop the engines.
1. For no reason whatsoever, your train would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they relaid the tracks, new trains would have to be procured.
3. Occasionally the traction motors will shut off for no reason. The train will slow to a halt and the driver will have close any open windows, shut off the engine, restart it, and reopen the windows before continuing.
4. Occasionally the train will shut down and refuse to restart, in which case the engine will have to be reinstalled.
5. Apple would make a train that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the tracks.
6. All warning lights in the drivers cab would be replaced by a single "This Train Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The braking system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, the driver will be locked out of his cab and the train will refuse to let him in until he simultaneously lifts the door handle, turns the key and grabs hold of the radio antenna.
9. The driver has to press the "Start" button to stop the engines.
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
Sounds like you're picking the wrong women!Not brave, this site is anonymous. Clearly 50% of men are below average yet the stupid company doesn't make any suitable sizes. It's humilliating when a woman laughs at this issue, not funny at all.
Another company...
Google, it's train takes you to similar sounding stations first.
HumberSprinter
Member
What do you mean? It wasn't her fault.
More companies...
If Duracell made trains they would run 3 times further...
If Heinz made trains only 99% of cargo would be able to get out of it.
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
The laughing was. It's just plain mean. Do you think it'd have gone down well if you'd laughed at a physical attribute of hers? I don't know you, but as a human being you don't deserve to be laughed at in that situation.
Anyway, back on topic:
Poundland: nice cheap fares (not as cheap as you expect), but it'll be a Merseytravel Pacer that'll probably fall apart before it reaches the destination.
McDonald's: Very reliable if unglamourous, every journey will be pretty much identical, to the point that it's a bit creepy. A problem with anti-social behaviour in the vestibules due to staff being replaced with touchscreens. Long-term health disbenefits for regular passengers.
ITV Sport: Highly irritating and patronising on-board PIS announcements, courtesy of Glenn Hoddle.
mallard
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Not sure how that's noticably different from the trains we actually have...
Anyway:
BT: You buy a ticket for Monday, wait at the station all day and nothing turns up. Then on Wednesday you'd get an angry call from the guard demanding to know why you're not on board.
TESCO: The train has plenty of seats, but none of them are particularly comfortable and they all cost different amounts to sit in. The cheapest seats are positioned in hard-to-see places and are only suitable for very short or very tall people. When tickets are checked, you're always asked if you have a loyalty card and given an unenthusiastically delivered momorized marketing spiel if you don't.
UNILEAVER: There are many trains, some of them look very different from each other, but they're actually all going to the same place.
This is harder than I thought...
Ryanair: drivers are on strike or choosing to take their rest days all at once. Oh wait, hang on... (GTR/Northern!!)
British Airways: Will charge five times as much as other trains, but you’ll get a packet of crisps and a free pen.
Tesla: ROCKET TRAINS!! Followed by some inflammatory comments on the tannoy and then having Elon Muck replace the ticket collector halfway through.
HTC: A load of old trains that never really worked, with three high speed trains that no-one really cares about...
Bic: Lots and lots of identical trains, some in different colours. The country is covered in old trains that have been lost - they’re occasionally picked up by another company, but soon run out of fuel and can’t be topped up.
British Airways: Will charge five times as much as other trains, but you’ll get a packet of crisps and a free pen.
Tesla: ROCKET TRAINS!! Followed by some inflammatory comments on the tannoy and then having Elon Muck replace the ticket collector halfway through.
HTC: A load of old trains that never really worked, with three high speed trains that no-one really cares about...
Bic: Lots and lots of identical trains, some in different colours. The country is covered in old trains that have been lost - they’re occasionally picked up by another company, but soon run out of fuel and can’t be topped up.
HumberSprinter
Member
Sports Direct, the driver and staff have to work long hours without much pay even if sick.
Primark, rather than 1 £15 train on the line, there'd be 10 £5 fare trains an hour
... But the train will often fall off the rail and on to the floor .
Virgin Media, they would cut out popular stations with little notice.
American sweetshops, their trains would carry Toxic Waste in the same carriage as Nerds.
English sweetshops, their trains would support Everton, the staff would say Humbug a lot, and every trip would come with fried eggs.
Ferrari, the train is fast and cool, but you need to mind your head getting in.
Any Pub Chain, the train would be loud, smelly, and have public fights every weekend. The train would be made of shopping trolleys.
Delorean, you get on the train as normal, but if it goes 88mph you get off in 1985!
Primark, rather than 1 £15 train on the line, there'd be 10 £5 fare trains an hour
... But the train will often fall off the rail and on to the floor .Virgin Media, they would cut out popular stations with little notice.
American sweetshops, their trains would carry Toxic Waste in the same carriage as Nerds.
English sweetshops, their trains would support Everton, the staff would say Humbug a lot, and every trip would come with fried eggs.
Ferrari, the train is fast and cool, but you need to mind your head getting in.
Any Pub Chain, the train would be loud, smelly, and have public fights every weekend. The train would be made of shopping trolleys.
Delorean, you get on the train as normal, but if it goes 88mph you get off in 1985!
So the last pacer of the day out of Leeds then!
I like that one.
Disney - A reworked version of every journey that always terminates somewhere happy.
There goes Swindon’s service them...
gg1
Established Member
The BMW train was a disaster.
SPADs galore, the trains always seemed to find themselves 6 inches from the buffers of the train in front and the orange lights on the side never worked.
SPADs galore, the trains always seemed to find themselves 6 inches from the buffers of the train in front and the orange lights on the side never worked.
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SwindonBert
Member
Could even have it's HQ in Swindon
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/ea...753758/Swindon-twinned-with-Disney-World.html
Up_Tilt_390
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To add to that, a train company that freely uses other people's trains but refuse to let anyone else do the same with theirs, even lobbying to get the laws changed so they don't have to let people use them. Additionally, if you have a route they want, then they will buy you out just because everything they like has to be theirs. Any competitors will be crushed under the mighty fist of the mouse...
EbbwJunction1
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Wetherspoons - Loads of cheap tickets but not many staff to sell them to you and exotic trains from all over the world for short periods.
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
Railforums Rail:
All lines apart from the main lines to London and the South-East commuter routes are shut and tarmacked over to be used as roads, because they don't pay their way and that's all that matters.
All lines apart from the main lines to London and the South-East commuter routes are shut and tarmacked over to be used as roads, because they don't pay their way and that's all that matters.
EveningStar
Member
Apple: No Windows?
HumberSprinter
Member
NoMorePacers
Established Member
Lancia: The train would look absolutely gorgeous, but would continuously fall apart throughout the journey until there was nothing left, and if it didn't do that then it would rust then disintegrate overnight.
Jeremy Clarkson: It would be all about that SPEED AND POWAHHH, whilst making racist comments in the announcement system, with numerous public complaints, then get banned from the railways for punching its own driver.
Jeremy Clarkson: It would be all about that SPEED AND POWAHHH, whilst making racist comments in the announcement system, with numerous public complaints, then get banned from the railways for punching its own driver.
Didn't they do this already on Top Gear?
NoMorePacers
Established Member
Probably, and I've just made my own post irrelevant through that. :applause:
bussnapperwm
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- 18 May 2014
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Rotala - paint them blue and try run them in service even if the wheels fall off.
WWE - Auto announcements in Vince McMahon's voice telling passengers they're FIIIIIRRRRREEEEDDDD...
WWF - adverts on auto announcements to get you to adopt a snow leopard for just £3 a week with a free cuddly toy.
ADL - Enviro200 buses converted to run on bogies, complete with free rattling of the bandit screen
WWE - Auto announcements in Vince McMahon's voice telling passengers they're FIIIIIRRRRREEEEDDDD...
WWF - adverts on auto announcements to get you to adopt a snow leopard for just £3 a week with a free cuddly toy.
ADL - Enviro200 buses converted to run on bogies, complete with free rattling of the bandit screen
Esker-pades
Established Member
IKEA: Set of instructions in the cab, but with the wrong size of master-key provided.
Plus flat-pack trains that are always missing the crucial part
Esker-pades
Established Member
"I was making a carriage when I realised that I only had 7 wheels provided...."Plus flat-pack trains that are always missing the crucial part
'There must be something lying around that'll make do'
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