Back to the drawing board then
As the stated reliability of any given train type is apparently meaningless in this hypothetical scenario, has anybody got a better idea?
I would guess that those with better electronic engne/traction control systems and power to spare at the rated top speed (i.e. fourth-generation multiple units from the late 1990's onwards) would do best, while third-generation multiple units (from the early 80's to mid 90's) would fail early due to their rated top speed being to closer to their actual top speed or even unattainable without a long descent.
Modern DMUs also have longer servicing intervals, the biggest change in European railway operations from the 80's to now having been the steps taken to reduced the amount of time that a rail vehicle is losing money by doing something other running services.
Based on all that, I would nominate a Class 150 or 153 as the probable loser by any measure, while the Class 185 would come out as the best of the British units but still comfortably covered by the Budd RDC-1 or RDC-2, a fair number of which are still in daily service heading on 60 years after they were built.
Or in order to answer this little problem once and for all, will we actually have to find an infinite test track (Siemen's loop at Krefeld might do, although would uneven tyre wear become an issue?), and carry this out for real, in a Top Gear-esque challenge? I mean, how hard can it be?
You would need a bigger loop than the Siemens track at Wildenrath to allow the faster units to go at top speed, and one with a figure eight layout as well. A big balloon loop (radius 5,000+ metres) at either end of a
very long straight would also do, with the turn being taken to the left at one end and the right at the other as is done on coal flows.