Something to offend everyone...

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David

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Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
 
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Sprog

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Harry Potter said:
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

Haha! That one never gets boring!! <D

I received that identical chain-mail a few weeks ago, and youve missed one off:

Q) Whats the differnace between a Harly Davidson and a Vacuum Cleaner??

A) The position of the dirtbag! :lol: :lol: :lol:

My dads a biker, and even he laughed at that!!
 

Mojo

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Harry Potter said:
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

I agree :P
 

Simming

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4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.


It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.


The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"


The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"


The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"


The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French **** again"
 

Simming

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Messages
1,186
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1) Q: If a Punk and a Skin are in the back of a car, who's in front? A: A cop. (Thanks to Eve)

2) Q: An apartment building in California has Skins living on the first floor, Punks on the second, and Hippies on the third. One day a big fire burns the building to the ground. Who survived? A: The Skins. They were at work. (Thanks to Eve)

3) Q: How many Punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 3. 1 to screw it in and 2 to argue about who did it first. (Thanks to Odind)

4) Q: How many Punks does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, Punks can't change a thing.(Thanks to Odind)

5) Q:How many Straight-Edge kids does it take to drink a case of beer? A: One, if no one's looking. (Big thanks to Odind)

6) Q:What has 8 arms and kills its girlfriend? A:squid Vicious.

7) Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road? A: He was stapled to a chicken.

Cool Q: How many punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Five. One to do it and four to write a zine about it. (thanks to Katatonic)

9) Q: How many Straight Edges does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they don't screw (thanks to Katatonic)

10) Q: How many Rudeboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 4. One to drop it and 3 to "pick it up!pick it up!pick it up!" (thanks to Mr. Macunas)

11) Q: How many Skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 10. 1 to screw it in and 9 to watch his back. (thanks to Mr. Macunas)

12) Q: How many skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to do it and one to film it. (thanks to J.L. Read from Texas)

13) Q: What do you call a skinhead fish? A: An Oi-ster.

14) Q: How many Punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 20. 1 to screw it in and 19 to call him a sellout. (thanks to Milo)

15) Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they're all to depressed to do it. (thanks to Avery)

16) Q: How many punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 2 - 1 to screw it in and the other to kick the chair out from under him. (thanks to Jared)

17) Q: How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 10. 1 to change the bulb and 9 on the guest list. (thanks to Steve S.)

1Cool Q: How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 5. 1 to change it and 4 to pass out lyrics. (thanks to Steve S.)

19) Q: What do you call a Punk without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. (thanks to Evileye)

20) Q: How many Punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. Punks only screw in a puddle of vomit (Dan Burrito says this joke kills amongst Mississippi Drunk Rockers)

21) Q: What's a Street Punk's favorite seafood? A: Crust-acean. (Thanks to Taucreti)

22) Q: How do you get a one-armed Punk out of a tree? A: Throw him a beer. (Thanks to Taucreti)

23) Q: How do you get a Punk out of a bathtub? A: Turn on the water. (Thanks to Taucreti)

24) Q: What do you call a Gutter Punk's weather-proofed home? A: A dry dumpster (Thanks to Dreagus)

25) Q: Where do you find all the Gutter Punks after a hard rain? A: In the sewer 'cause they've been washed down a drain. (Thanks to Dreagus)

26) Q: How many Riot Grrrls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. They just have the men do it for them. (Thanks to Nils)

27) Q: What do you call a bunch of Skinheads playing classical music? A: An Oi!chestra. (Thanks to Nils)

2Cool Q: Why do anarchists drink only herbal tea? A: Because proper tea is theft. (Thanks to Karen)

29) Q: What do you call the President's son if he's a Skinhead? A: The First B"Oi". (Thanks to Buzbee)

30) Q: What's the difference between a hippie and a trampoline? A: You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline. (Thanks to Karen)

31) Q: What do you call a bunch of Skinheads at the bottom of the ocean ? A: A good start. (Thanks to Karen)

32) Q: Three drunken Skinheads jump off a roof. One Skin had been drinking Guinness, the second Fosters and the third Skin enjoyed Blatz. Which one hits the ground first? A: Who the hell cares? (Thanks to Karen)

33) Q: How many punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 21. 1 to hold the lightbulb and 20 to drink until the room spins! (Thanks to Dan)

34) Q: How many punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 3. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, one to kick the ladder out and one to laugh. (Thanks to Vim The Grim)

35) Q: How many punks does it take change a lightbulb?
A: 4. one to stand on a chair to screw it in, one to kick the chair out from him, one to say how punk rock that was, and the 4th to say, "shut the f--k up, mike" (don't know who Mike is but thanks to lunamoth and mas)

36) Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: one. they're all alone. or.....none. they like to sit in the dark.
or.....one hundred. 1 to put in a new one & drop the old one on the floor, and 99 to slit their wrists on the broken glass. (Thanks to lunamoth and mas)

37) A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather and rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with piercings and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever
do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah! Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and I f--ked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son." (Thanks to PlanckZoo)

3Cool Two straight edge guys were out walking home from work one afternoon."S--t," said the first guy, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's underwear off!" "What's the rush?" his mate asked. "The f--king elastic in the legs is killing me," he replied. (Thanks to the mighty Allen Wrench)

39) A punk, A skin, and a mod walk into a bar. The bartender hands them each a beer with a fly in it. The mod turns the beer away. The punk just drinks the beer in spite of the fly, and the skin grabs the fly by the wings and yells " spit it out! spit it out you *******!" (Thanks to Jonny NOgood Nick)

40) Q: What do you call a punk hitchhiker? A: Stranded. (Thanks to DBM)

41) Q: How many goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2, one to do the work and the other to tell her how goth she is for doing it. (Thanks to joni luvs chaji)

42) Q: How do you hide money from a Hippie?
A: Hide it under the soap. (Thanks to invisible7)

43) Q: How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None– they light candles. (Thanks to Dustin)

44) Q: How do you get a goth out a tree? A: Cut the rope. (Thanks to Dustin)

45) Q: How do The Damned drink their Scotch? A: Neat Neat Neat. (Thanks to Sir Yonts)

46) Q: How many times does a skinhead laugh at a joke? A: Three...once when he hears it, once when it's explained to him, and once when he gets it. (Thanks to Sir Yonts)

47) Q: How do you wake up a Gutter Punk? A: Open the car door. (Thanks to Anna)

4Cool Q: How do you know when a Gutter Punk has been to your house? A: He's still there. (Thanks to EBAG76)

49) Q:How many Mods does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to change it and 3 to watch out for punks? (Thanks to Ska Drumz)

50) Q: What's so tragic about four ravers driving off a cliff in a Honda Civic? A: The car seats five (Thanks to Rehtaeh)

51) A priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "either of you know how to starve a punk?" The priest looks at the rabbi, the rabbi looks back. They both shrug. "Hide his food stamps under his work boots!" (Thanks to Kirk, after much coaching)

52) Q: How many Berkly Riot Girrls does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2, one to screw in the light and another to say how much better it was than if a man did it. (Thanks to Nukebrew)

53) Q: What kind of soap does a skinhead wash with? A: Oi of Olay!!!! (Thanks to Nukebrew)

54) Q: What does a skinhead buy at the grocery store?? A: ChipsAoi! (Thanks to Emily for the post)

55) Q: How does a (racist) skinhead tie his shoes? In little Nazis. (Thankee to Polly Sugartree)

56) Q: How many skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5, One to screw it in and the rest to explain he's not a nazi cos he did it. (Thankee to Björn in Sweden)

57) Q: What's orange and looks good on hippies? Fire. (Thank hew to John Maxwell)

5Cool Q: what does the bumper sticker on a skin's car say? A:
"My Boss was an Austrian Painter".(Danka to ejg ejg)

59) Q: Why was the Dead Boy groupie frigid? A: Cause she was below Zero.(Special belch to Marina Lutz. The joke's funny because Jimmy Zero was in the Dead Boys. Ha ha ha... oy just forget it)

60) Q: Why did Stiv Bators cross the road? A: Cause he was f--king the chicken. (Marina Lutz made this up on the spot and then followed it with "Will this do?")

61) Q: Why did the punk cross the road? A: Who cares? F--k you! (J. Alvarado thinks he's the 1st person to make this up on his own)

62) Q: How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: What does it matter? We're all gonna die anyway. (Thanks to J. Alvarado for making up a joke off the top of his head)

63) Q: What does a Vegan Skinhead Eat? A: SOI!. (Thanks to Kate Amos for adding "haha yes i rule)

64) Q: How can you tell a genuine punk band from a bunch of poseurs? A: The poseurs remember to bring their instruments. (From Stan The Man)

65) Punk Definition of a Newbie: Anybody I didn't recognize at my first gig. (From Stan The Man But Not On Weekends)

66) Punk Definition of True Love - when a punk gets down on his knees, holds your hand, looks you in the eyes, and asks if his band can sleep at your place tonight... (From Stan, The Man First Thing Again Monday Morning)

67) Q: What do you call punks who learn how to play their instruments? A: Sell-outs. (From Stan The Man Who Ain't Foolin' Anybody!)

6Cool Q: What's the difference between a white power skin and a computer? A: You only gotta punch information in a computer once. (A big snap of the suspenders to SkinGlory)

69) Q: How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None! let them cry in the dark. (A big phonetic ThaingQue to AyeQue)

70) Q: How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 3. One to screw it in, one to cry about it, and one to write a journal entry.(Aye...QUE!!!! (bless you)

71) Q: What is 300 ft long and has no pubic hair? A: the line outside a blink 182 show
(To Zak - thanks)

72) Q: What does "emo" stand for? A: Ex-Members Of (Thanks to Zak)

73) Q: What's 20 feet long and has no balls? A: The font row of a Promise Ring show. (yo to Vinnie)

74) Q: What's a shame about a bus load of skins going off a cliff? A: An empty seat. (annuder yo to Vinnie)

75) A punk and a "normal" guy are walking down the street one day. The punk is in classic form; six inch blue liberty spikes, plaid bondage pants, leather jacket with band names scribbled all over it, etc. The normal guy turns to the punk and asks, "So just exactly what is punk anyway?" The punk emphatically replies, "Man, punk is doing whatever you want, whenever you want to and not giving a s--t what anybody else thinks...you see that
trash can right there?" The punk walks over to a nearby trashcan and kicks it over, spilling garbage all over the sidewalk. "That's punk." The normal guy ponders this as they continue to walk down the sidewalk. The next trash can they come to, the normal guy steps up and gives a kick, sending garbage flying everywhere. He turns to the punk, "So that's punk, huh?" The punk replies, "No, that's trendy." (Danka to Richard Hawes)
 

jd

Member
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9 Jun 2005
Messages
675
Mojo said:
I agree :P

Hehe... so do I! :P :lol: ;)

Sorry, CBA to read all of Simming's post, though I did read a bit. Like the one about how many Emos it takes change a lightbulb.
 

Tom B

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Joined
27 Jul 2005
Messages
4,558
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472 -- One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(), one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb(), one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle()...

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: First. although we've heard reports from the field of light bulbs burning out, we believe that they are isolated incidents and do not provide sufficient proof that light bulbs burn out and need to be changed. Second, the bulbs that do burn out do so because of customer error. Third, the technicians that reported the burned-out light bulbs have been reported to Human Resources as not being team players.

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light-bulb-change-message.

Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office...

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Microsoft Darkness™ as the new industry standard.

Q. How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.

Q. How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

Q. How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adapter card first, which is extra.

Q. How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Just remove the rights of everybody allowed to go into the room.
 

Sprog

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Simming said:
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.


It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.


The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"


The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"


The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"


The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French **** again"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

!! Genius <D
 
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