Top Tips (Enter at Your Own Risk)

[OuterDistant]

Give your house that "Voyager" feel by going to the toilet in a corner of your living room.

 

[4SRKT]

Give your house that "Voyager" feel by going to the toilet in a corner of your living room.

hehehe!

 

[Oswyntail]

Give your house that "Voyager" feel by going to the toilet in a corner of your living room.

Give your house the "Pendolino" feel by painting over the top two-thirds of all your windows. For added authenticity dig out the foundations along two opposite sides - feel that "tilt"

 

[4SRKT]

This is all going very well!

Give your car a preserved railway feel by inviting four old blokes with cameras and limited conversational skills to sit in the passenger seats, and then drive around at 15 mph while stopping frequently.

 

[CC 72100]

First Capital connect - Buy an anytime or any other highly priced ticket (whichever is higher) just to avoid trouble with their RPIs :P

 

[district]

In the spirit of certain other members. When travelling, never, never, NEVER throw your ticket away until you have left railway property.

Make sure you understand the terms of an advance ticket BEFORE buying one.

Do not book with Trainline/Raileasy direct. And don't believe their adverts either. Always use a site that doesn't incur booking charges, e.g. TOC sites and RSH.

I think you've all misunderstood the thread

---

Make your car journey feel like Chiltern Railways by ensuring all passengers rock violently from side to side, then stop at least 1/2 mile from your destination and walk.

Make your car feel like a Virgin Trains service by creating a CD with random beeping noises and rattling panels!

 

[ralphchadkirk]

Consider making your house feel like a SWT service by scattering a load of newspapers and empty crisp bags about. For an even more authentic feel, why not tread some mud into the carpet?

 

[4SRKT]

Arriva Trains Wales, why not introduce your Rail & Sail customers to the delights of sleeping rough by running the first train out of Holyhead in the morning at 04:25 when the boat arrives at 00:30? You could add further realism to the rough sleeping aspect by only providing metal benches with individual armrests that are almost impossible to sleep on.

 

[OuterDistant]

Fare dodgers: test the RPI's railway knowledge by giving your name as "Barry Links".

 

[4SRKT]

Fare dodgers: test the RPI's railway knowledge by giving your name as "Barry Links".

And your address as 'Golf Street'.

Who's been messing with the thread title BTW?

 

[district]

Fare dodgers: test the RPI's railway knowledge by giving your name as "Barry Links".

... or Martin(s) Heron!

 

[bb21]

Who's been messing with the thread title BTW?

Health warning: Likely to cause chest and abdominal pains due to violent laughter over long durations.

 

[4SRKT]

Health warning: Likely to cause chest and abdominal pains due to violent laughter over long durations.

We aim to please.

 

[Clip]

LUL make your passengers feel like they are in the rainforest by constantly stopping your trains in deep tunnels for long periods of time.


Trainspotters: Live your dream of working on the railway by donning a hi-vis vest whenever you are on or about the railway and talk with the air of authority to others, even if you havent a clue what your on about.

Buffet cars: Pretend your a high street coffee shop by giving your instant Nescafe coffee the same fancy names!

 

[4SRKT]

Conservative politicians: why not rekindle the spirit of the 'Big Four' by taking a coherent railway operated as a genuine network and breaking it up into hundreds of smaller entities and selling it to a small number of sharks at rock bottom prices?

 

[OuterDistant]

Simulate Pacer travel by removing the shock absorbers from your car.

 

[telstarbox]

I think you've all misunderstood the thread

The uninitiated should see here.

Bus operators in the south. Create a luxurious "first class" section by putting white cloth on the headrests of four seats at the back of the bus and charging passengers double the price to sit in them.

 

[CC 72100]

CrossCountry: Carry on flogging a dead horse with the use of the electric seat reservation displays that seem to never work, and let the passengers battle it out amongst themselves for the seats. Runners-up get the luggage racks, losers get the vestibule
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Bus operators in the south. Create a luxurious "first class" section by putting white cloth on the headrests of four seats at the back of the bus and charging passengers double the price to sit in them.

Haha! Also make sure that there is standing space in first class too, maybe some leather on the grab handles for that luxury feel?

 

[4SRKT]

ScotRail, why not spend vast amounts of taxpayers' money rebuilding (and electrifying) a fourth line between the two main cities you serve? This way you could increase the number of trains running between these two points from 7 to 11 per hour, solving at a stroke the crisis of capacity that presumably existed before this bold move.


And on a simlarly jocular jock-bashing theme

Edinburgh Council: why not imagine some sort of pipe dream involving fixed infrastructure public transport running along the roadway, and then erect a furnace into which bundles of twenty pound notes can be shovelled until Scotland has completely run out of money?

 

[317666]

Train Operating Companies! Why not give your line the 'Saturday West Anglia' feel by halving the lengths of your trains and presuming the passengers won't mind because all the trains are now new?

Also: Train Manufacturers! Why not give your trains a genuine 'Litchurch Lane' feel by holding all the parts together with half the amount of nuts and bolts that everyone else does, so after a few weeks in service they'll be looking as clapped out and knackered as your customers' existing rolling stock!

 

[swj99]

Scrap Metal Thieves, avoid catching fire by making sure the traction current is switched off before attempting to remove the electric cable supplying the live rail.

 

[D841 Roebuck]

In the spirit of Farcebook:

What is your local multi-trip train ticket name?

Step one - get the first part of the name by comparing your star sign with the following list:
Pisces - Metro
Aries - Local
Taurus - Urban
Gemini - Regional
Cancer - City
Leo - Network
Virgo - System
Libra - Holiday
Scorpio - Evening
Saggitarius - Family
Capricorn - Leisure
Aquarius - County

Step 2. Find the second part of your name by comparing your Chinese birth sign with the following:
Pig - Rover
Dog - Ranger
Dragon - Explorer
Horse - Pathfinder
Rooster - Rambler
Snake - Evader
Rat - Venturer
Lion - Pioneer
Tiger - Tripper
Buffalo - Traveller
Rabbit - Wanderer
Goat - Moocher

Step 3. Google your answer and see where you can travel...

 

[Yew]

Get that Robin hood line feel by filling your local service with drunken teenagers, punching a guard in the face, and realising the trains dont run on sundays.

 

[CC 72100]

Want to experience rail travel in the 80s? We can't take you there, but according to reports the Great Eastern Main line hasn't changed much since then

 

[table38]

Guards - if you fancy one of your passengers, instead of clipping their ticket, get a biro and draw a circle around the date so it looks like a smiley face. This is clearly an open invitation for them to follow you back to the rear cab...

 

[4SRKT]

Railtour operators: help to boost the profits of budget hotel chains by ensuring that tours always leave major population centres a few minutes before the first flight of service trains from outlying towns begins to arrive.

 

[317666]

Shuttle bus operators. Why not prevent your buses from becoming overcrowding by copying what the bus service from Bitburg-Erdorf station to Bitburg in Germany does (or did when I was there a few years ago). Leave a few minutes before each train arrives!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

In the spirit of Farcebook:

What is your local multi-trip train ticket name?

Step 3. Google your answer and see where you can travel...

Doesn't appear to be a 'Metro Venturer' sadly

 

[4SRKT]

We are on fire today ladies and gentlemen. We can all retire this evening in the knowledge that we have done A Good Thing.

 

[David]

If your neighbours challenge you to a water fight, the easiest way to win is make sure you boil the water in the kettle first ....

 

[Crossover]

TOCs - for the ultimate value for money out of installations, ensure that after a new PIS system is installed at a station, it then spends another few years saying "For live running information, please call 0845 678 9012" or "See printed timetable for service information"