Train announcements with a sense of humour

[bigfoote]

"ladies and gentlemen, the next station stop is Portsmouth Harbour. This train will terminate. If it doesn't, lifejackets are under your seats"
Station announcement following trespass incident: [insert train company] would like to apologise for the severe delays to your journey this evening due to a group of idiots playing on the rails. BTP are in attendance, and the electricity has been turned off" (under his voice but into the mic) "Shame"

 

[ChewChewTrain]

Shortly after face coverings became compulsory (for most) on trains, I was on a local service that was waiting at Slough for a few minutes. An “announcement” began, but it quickly became clear that the button had been pressed by mistake, and we were hearing a “private” conversation between the driver and some other member of staff (both male, FWIW).

They agreed with each other that the passengers now all looked like bandits, before moving on to quite unkindly mocking the fashion sense of a chap they were watching on the train’s CCTV. For his sake, and theirs, I hope he had earphones on which rendered him oblivious to their taunts.

 

[DorkingMain]

Shortly after face coverings became compulsory (for most) on trains, I was on a local service that was waiting at Slough for a few minutes. An “announcement” began, but it quickly became clear that the button had been pressed by mistake, and we were hearing a “private” conversation between the driver and some other member of staff (both male, FWIW).

They agreed with each other that the passengers now all looked like bandits, before moving on to quite unkindly mocking the fashion sense of a chap they were watching on the train’s CCTV. For his sake, and theirs, I hope he had earphones on which rendered him oblivious to their taunts.

Oh god, the old pressing PA instead of IC mistake. Experienced that a few times.

Worst one was when we thumped to a stop, I heard 3-3, picked the handset up only to hear the PA come on with "Sorry mate, I've only gone and not pressed the f**king AWS"

Luckily the passengers saw the funny side of it.

 

[ainsworth74]

Oh god, the old pressing PA instead of IC mistake. Experienced that a few times.

Worst one was when we thumped to a stop, I heard 3-3, picked the handset up only to hear the PA come on with "Sorry mate, I've only gone and not pressed the f**king AWS"

Luckily the passengers saw the funny side of it.

That's a good one

Reminds me of a time on the approach to Waterloo when the auto-announcements and then the guard were all telling us very clearly that we would be joining another train on arrival at Waterloo so please remain seated for a few moments to allow the train to join. After the guard announced it as we were pulling into the station the driver came over the PA "Dave, mate, we're not joining at Waterloo!". Needless to say the doors immediately released as we came to a stand!

 

[py_megapixel]

Oh god, the old pressing PA instead of IC mistake. Experienced that a few times.

IC?

I assume it's the function which allows the driver to call the guard, but what does it stand for?

 

[DorkingMain]

IC?

I assume it's the function which allows the driver to call the guard, but what does it stand for?

I always presumed it stood for intercom.

More modern trains have it marked up as "Cab-to-Cab" or "Crew Call"

 

[gimmea50anyday]

I always presumed it stood for intercom.

Yeah, exactly that

 

[8J]

One of my favourite PA announcements was actually recorded on twitter by another passenger but I was onboard and remember it well. A broad scouse TPE guard a couple of years ago explains about the large accessible toilet on a 185 being out of service with the alternative toilet in the centre having a slightly awkward locking mechanism.

The passengers were in stitches around me - it's all in the delivery. A link to the twitter recording is avaliable by clicking Here.

 

[rower40]

Back in FCC/EC days, I remember hearing "Apologies for the delay, we're being held here because the signalman prefers silver trains to blue and pink ones!".

Another Day Return to Memory Lane please...
When Virgin Trains had the Cross-Country franchise, I remember this announcement on a Virgin HST:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're being held here at Exeter for a Great Western train. It's a green train, so it gets a green signal. Ours is a red train. That's the way they do things here on the Western."
(With the implication that although the signaller was employed by Railtrack, he still wore a GWR uniform - brass buttons polished with company-issue Brasso - and took his holidays in Chocolate-and-Cream camping coaches in Marazion Bay.)

 

[godfreycomplex]

Another Day Return to Memory Lane please...
When Virgin Trains had the Cross-Country franchise, I remember this announcement on a Virgin HST:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're being held here at Exeter for a Great Western train. It's a green train, so it gets a green signal. Ours is a red train. That's the way they do things here on the Western."
(With the implication that although the signaller was employed by Railtrack, he still wore a GWR uniform - brass buttons polished with company-issue Brasso - and took his holidays in Chocolate-and-Cream camping coaches in Marazion Bay.)

Sounds about right for signallers down there even today

 

[Western 52]

We get some amusing announcements on the morning Carmarthen to Paddington train as it approaches Swansea. The class 800 couples to another here so the announcer tells passengers to stay seated untI'll the units have coupled. The motion is described in various ways! A jolt, a bang, and even as a prang! The best though was a very long announcement where it was said the trains would snuggle up to one another!

On the same train, the auto announced would tell us to change at Swansea for Carmarthen even though the train started from there!

 

[Welshman]

Leaving Sheffield on a XC service, the conductor announced "The next stop is Leeds"
He then started a ticket check. Obviously someone had a word with him, for he rushed back to announce "The next stop is actually Wakefield Westgate"
On the viaduct approaching that city, another voice came on "We are now approaching Wakefield, and unlike my colleague, I don't think that is an insignificant place at all"

Southbound on a VT service, the conductor announced "We are now approaching Wigan North Western. Change here for Southport, Bolton, Liverpool.
Approaching Warrington, same voice said "We are now approaching Warrington. Change here for...[short pause]...stations hereabouts.

 

[GtNortherner]

Years ago in the old Intercity days when it was possible to get an HST from my local station all the way to Aberdeen, I remember boarding and taking my seat - a few minutes later a broad Scottish accent (presumably the guard) came over the tannoy saying “Will ye close the doors? Ye’re causin’ a draught!!” - not quite the welcome aboard I’d anticipated...!

 

[YorksLad12]

We get some amusing announcements on the morning Carmarthen to Paddington train as it approaches Swansea. The class 800 couples to another here so the announcer tells passengers to stay seated untI'll the units have coupled. The motion is described in various ways! A jolt, a bang, and even as a prang! The best though was a very long announcement where it was said the trains would snuggle up to one another!

See, this would just be too tempting to me...

"Could all passengers remain in their seats please while we mate with the unit in front of us? (pause) Our driver this morning is Dave, so this could take a few attempts to get right, according to his missus..."

 

[Sean Davidson]

On a 375 near Ramsgate, could the child in the front coach get off the table as he might be thrown off when we go quickly over the points.

Also on Southeastern, this is the 'astings service calling at all stations to 'astings, in a really brilliant Ray Winston voice, wonderful looking at the posh Tunbridge Wells suit looking up at the speaker and rolling his eyes.

 

[Fokx]

Not really a ‘sense of humour’ but I enjoyed spotting this Covid-19 focused poetry with TPE

https://twitter.com/rebeccajayneq/status/1302593122166243329?s=21

 

[Wookiee]

One of the chargemen at Fareham back in the 80s used to announce "through train to Southampton" whenever the stopper from Portsmouth arrived.

 

[Bald Rick]

I’m going to wheel out this old tale again, but it’s been told to me by an ex driver.

When trains used to split at Swanley, with one portion heading past Fawkham towards the Medway towns, and the other to Maidstone, a dispatcher at Swanley used to shout “Fawkham up the front, Wrotham at the rear”

 

[306024]

I’m going to wheel out this old tale again, but it’s been told to me by an ex driver.

When trains used to split at Swankey, with one portion heading past Fawkham towards the Medway towns, and the other to Maidstone, a dispatcher at Swanley used to shout “Fawkham up the front, Wrotham at the rear”

Swankey? Don’t want to mis-pronounce that Anover tipping erra two korrect

 

[Bald Rick]

Swankey? Don’t want to mis-pronounce that Anover tipping erra two korrect

Oops!