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Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by PG, 16 Jan 2020.
we value your privacy = we couldn’t find anyone prepared to pay for your personal information
Brilliant and very true.
It’s fine, don’t worry about it = It could not possibly get any worse, I will never, ever forget this.
Perfect = Well that’s that ruined then.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter = Nothing has ever mattered more than this.
I might join you later = I’m not leaving the house today unless it’s on fire.
Sorry, I think you might have dropped something = You have definitely just dropped that item.
It could be worse = No it couldn't.
I’m just popping out for lunch, does anyone want anything? = I’m getting my own lunch now, not yours. Please remain silent.
No, no, honestly, it was my fault = It was definitely your fault and we both know it.
Whenever you get a minute = Now.
No harm done = You have caused complete and utter chaos.
Our staff are our greatest assets = But don't expect a pay rise.
New comfortable seats = We found some slabs of granite and covered them with cloth.
We are experiencing high call volumes : We are no busier than at any other time but we'd rather you spent 25 minutes listening to c**p music in a queue to speak to an operator than spend the money employing enough people to provide a prompt and efficient service.
We won't increase taxes before the next election = We won't increase income tax, but VAT and your council taxes will probably increase.
You never had it so good (PM Harold Macmillan) = Don't vote Labour.
The (BBC TV) Red Button service will cease because we need to save money = No, we won't reduce the very high salaries of our senior management ?
We value your privacy = we know exactly how much we can sell it for!
Away with the fairies / Head in the clouds = Has daft ideas
Unexpected item in the bagging area = You nudged your bag ever so slightly and when the assistant eventually comes to reset the till they'll look at you like you're hopeless
One of the reasons why I refuse to use these damned newfangled self-checkout devices...
Whenever there is a major IT failure at a bank/energy company/local council...etc.
We are working with our suppliers to determine the cause of the problem and the best way of resolving it :- We are arguing with our suppliers about who is to blame for this fiasco, and who is going to have to pay to fix it.
Lessons have been learned to prevent a recurrence = nothing's likely to change
Relating to the weather forecast:-
It will be dry and sunny today = There might a break in the cloud for five minutes if you're lucky.
Scattered showers = A torrential downpour
Wintry showers = A blizzard
There might be some damage to buildings = If you didn't remember to renew your buildings insurance, you're stuffed
There might be some transport disruption = A few flakes of snow or a drop of rain and the roads and railways grind to a halt
Don't worry, there isn't going to be a hurricane (Michael Fish 1987) = We all know what happened there
Wind your neck in - to tell someone to not concern themselves with issues that don't directly affect them
Discussing Ugandan affairs - From Private Eye. Often used as a euphemism for sex/infidelity, usually while carrying out a supposedly official duty.
Spend a penny - use the toilet. The phrase goes back to Victorian public toilets, which required users to insert a single penny in order to operate the lock.
Pear-shaped - A situation which has quickly evolved into an accident waiting to happen might be described as "gone pear-shaped."
Full Monty - pursuing something to the absolute limits. "The full Monty" historically refers to an old tailor called Sir Montague Burton. Going "the fully Monty" meant purchasing a full three-piece suit, a shirt, and all of the trimmings.
Dog's dinner - a mess or fiasco
Curtain twitcher - Nosey neighbour
In the south eats this means completely lose your shizzle, dress like Scott of the Antarctic and run around like a man thing panic buying milk and bread before the entire economy and nation grinds to a halt.
In the north it means: put a jumper on lad.
Yes I remember an artificial ski slope somewhere in Kent being closed once due to the fact that there was too much snow
Reminds me of the time when a female news presenter was commenting on the fact that a male weather forecast had overestimated the amount of snow that was going to fall. She said:-
What happened to that six inches you promised me last night, it was only two inches and I was really disappointed?
Cue collapsing into hysterics when she realised what she had said.
I remember that as "A frank and earnest exchange of views".
Then there's Winging it which is performing something without adequate preparation.
Then there's the female equivalent that I first heard from some Australians: ladies (or women) in comfortable shoes.
That means there was an argument followed by a punch up in the car park!
Thanks ! -- I always wondered where that one came from. So, nothing to do with the victor of El Alamein !
I gather that the American version of this is, [a] Gladys Kravitz. Presumably after a -- real or fictitious -- old-time inveterate busybody of that name.
See the headmaster in the morning = Go and receive a very sore bottom from his cane.
A sandwich short of a picnic.
He hasn't got both paddles in the water.
One can short of a six pack.
The sad passing today of Derek Fowlds, who played Bernard Woolley in Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister, brings to mind a few gems:-
This matter is under consideration = We have lost the file
This matter is under active consideration = We have lost the file but are trying to find it
A controversial decision, minister = That will cost you votes
A courageous decision, minister = That will cost you the election
Have you considered all of the implications? = That is a bad idea
He was the master of it.
Of course there was also the original House of Cards
I couldn’t possibly comment
You are absolutely correct.
I found that one to be comparatively recent and possibly of Antipodean origin? Might be wrong though.
Another Private Eye favourite:
Tired and emotional - very drunk.
Getting off at Gateshead (and regional variations on the theme of leaving a bus/ train one stop before the terminus): coitus interruptus (and doesn't it look more acceptable in italics?!)
Some S&T ones to describe an idiot....He/she is:-
A gate short of a level crossing.
A lever short of a frame.
Not the shiniest lever in the frame.
Not the loudest bell on the shelf.
My other half (Northern Irish) says - “Catch yourself on” whenever I’ve said something particularly crass...
So I do!
Must have had a hard paper round = used to describe someone who looks a lot older than their actual age
I liked: 'a face that has worn out three bodies'.
This is one that's probably not heard any more, more's the pity.
At the barbers: "Something for the weekend sir?"