Funny Guard Announcements.

steamdrivenand · 11 Jan 2013

On a very late running 'Fast' Metropolitan Line train outside Harrow on the Hill Station that had just switched lines for the umpteenth time. 'Apologies for the delays but someone in Control is playing trains with us.'

And heard on Hemel Hempstead Station one dank morning when a train on the up slow had overrun the platform and halted about 300yds further south. 'The train that's almost at Platform ? is the 07.** to London Euston calling at ....'.

RailUK Forums

dvboy · 11 Jan 2013

"We're about to set sail and if we catch a good wind we should arrive in Manchester at 22:34"

High Dyke · 11 Jan 2013

To relieve the monotony of Digital Doris i sometimes make additional announcements at Newark Castle. When the Up London arrives in a morning passengers have been encouraged to "use all available doors to board the train and not crowd like sheep..." or announce stations as Lugerborooga (Luffbra); Meg (Methringham) or Lindum Colonia (Lincoln).

If i can explain a delay to a service i will. Most notable being: "apologies for the delay to the xx:xxhrs service to xxxx. This was caused by a fault with the train brakes, though i'm sure they are ok and the train is safe to travel on."

tsr · 11 Jan 2013

"I'm sorry the automated announcements aren't working today, so you'll have to put up with my voice all the way to Portsmouth. Tough luck, I'm afraid."

On an evening service to Portsmouth Harbour at East Croydon. It did seem that quite a lot of the passengers found it funny. I think I may have posted this already on here, so it seems to be a regular thing (unsurprisingly) on 377s on this route!

gimmea50anyday · 11 Jan 2013

Not used by be but I have heard on a late running train "please mind the gap between the timetable and reality"

On a service running on time "may I apologise for the convenience caused to your journey as a result of the early running of this service, this was due to no problems with the signalling or the train not suffering from any mechanical failures"

8J · 12 Jan 2013

I had one from Paul, an Liverpool based TM for VT. The DVA said "we are now arriving at Crewe etc..." he then says after DVA finished "as you have just heared Sonia say, that's getSONIAnerves! Made a few people smile on the train back to Liverpool.

Starmill · 12 Jan 2013

"Please have all tickets, passes and excuses ready!"

Although I can't remember where I heard that, so maybe its just an old joke!

What started out as a simple notice to passengers about the disabled toilet the other side of First on a 185, we got an evaluation of the effectiveness (or lack thereof) of the hand-driers in the toilet... Then he came back and said that if we did take his advice of drying our hands on the toilet paper, not to flush it down the toilet, but put it in the bin, because "...we wouldn't want any of you having to swim your way out of there!". hahaha

--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

Flamingo said:
Not a guard announcement, heard on "Mock the Week" on Dave last night, but one I'd LOVE to make...

"If you would like to upgrade to First Class, you should have worked harder at school and got a better job"

I once heard "We would like to remind passengers that the use of explosives is not permitted in any part of this train." Fortunately, it wasn't from the mouth of a guard!

mrmatt · 12 Jan 2013

"When alighting the train at Derby please ensure you take all personal belongings and any small children with you"

On a Eurotunnel Le Shuttle once:

"I would like to apologise for the delay to service this morning, this was due to some pikeys trying to board a train in France to come and steal our benefits"

noddingdonkey · 12 Jan 2013

There used to be a guard on Transpennine Express when it was part of Arriva Trains Northern who had a unique intonation of Dewwwwsburrrry. He would also advise that the trolley service offered "a particularly fine hot roast coffee" and "a very nice English tea".

bengolding · 13 Jan 2013

On my VT on Friday: "I appreciate that tickets have been checked at the barriers at Euston, but I will be checking all tickets again as it is my duty to do so. Advance tickets must be for this train and London Midland tickets aren't valid."

Needless to say, he didn't carry out a check, not even in First!

Blindtraveler · 13 Jan 2013

A slight farse with platforms being wrongly announced at BHM on Friday for both the 0u:19 to Notingham and the 08:22 to Stansted and I feer a few may have missed there train but the Guard on the Stanstead announced very slowly and clearly "this is the Stansted service via Leicester etc etc, anyone for Notingham you are on the wrong train, but the correct one in my opinion, I prefer Leicester"

theblackwatch · 13 Jan 2013

I was travelling back from Sheffield last week and the guard announced that this was the service to Leeds "via The Dearne".

trentside · 13 Jan 2013

Blindtraveler said:
A slight farse with platforms being wrongly announced at BHM on Friday for both the 0u:19 to Notingham and the 08:22 to Stansted and I feer a few may have missed there train but the Guard on the Stanstead announced very slowly and clearly "this is the Stansted service via Leicester etc etc, anyone for Notingham you are on the wrong train, but the correct one in my opinion, I prefer Leicester"

Haha, someone needs their head examining :lol:

Glad to see this thread is still on the go - some real gems here!

Skimpot flyer · 13 Jan 2013

Not a guard announcement, but I remember as a kid being on Welwyn Garden City station one morning in the pre-automated announcement days, after a heavy fall of snow and freezing temperatures. The points at the London end of the Digswell Viaduct were frozen and all southbounds were being routed onto the Up slow. I was waiting at the country end of the platform, so that I would be near the exit when the train called at Hatfield, and could see a 4-car train approaching at almost exactly the time my usual service would have been due. From where I was stood, however, it was clear to me it was travelling at some speed, judging from the plume of snowflakes whipping around it.

To my surprise, the station tannoy started announcing 'the train approaching platform 2...' and some commuters shuffled towards the platform edge. The service thundered through, in a cloud of disturbed snow as the announcer concluded '...will not, this morning, be stopping'
:lol:

dvboy · 13 Jan 2013

Blindtraveler said:
A slight farse with platforms being wrongly announced at BHM on Friday for both the 0u:19 to Notingham and the 08:22 to Stansted and I feer a few may have missed there train but the Guard on the Stanstead announced very slowly and clearly "this is the Stansted service via Leicester etc etc, anyone for Notingham you are on the wrong train, but the correct one in my opinion, I prefer Leicester"

Not like it's difficult to get to Nottingham from Leicester anyway.

chuckles1066 · 13 Jan 2013

I posted a while back how a female guard started to make an announcement before there was an abrupt "ooooh" followed by giggles.

Someone copped a feel somewhere.

Nice work if you can get it, I suppose.

wijit · 13 Jan 2013

Last night, Birmingham International to Manchester 18:38 "We will shortly be arriving at Birmingham New Street. Birmingham was recently voted the most boring City in the world, but that was nothing to do with me".
Fantastic, brightens a journey up!

rebmcr · 14 Jan 2013

CrossCountry 19:09 RDG-MAN yesterday, the guard/TM was relentlessly merry, announcements over the tannoy and in-carriage were all in a sing-song voice and we got the comprehensive encyclopedia of connections at every station (up to New Street where he got replaced). Replacement guard/TM said his name was John.

He also let three foreign student girls off with travelling 2 hrs early on Advance tickets - just made them get off at the next station and told them to wait, rather than imposing a penalty. I don't think their English was very good though, he came through 10 minutes later, checked the overhead luggage where they were, found a small carrier bag, and walked off saying "This must be what they were talking about".

RailwayDan · 15 Jan 2013

Had a Guard announce a TPE leaving Manchester Piccadilly as the XX:11 to the Yorkshire Rivera on more than one occasion.

BrownE · 15 Jan 2013

This was a driver announcement about ten minutes before the train was scheduled to depart from Dover Priory.

'Ladies and Gentlemen this is your driver speaking, there is currently a minor fault with the train, I've been on the phone to the call centre and they've advised me to turn the train off and on again. This means the lights will go off and the doors will not open for around a minute. My apologies for the inconvenience."

tsr · 15 Jan 2013

BrownE said:
This was a driver announcement about ten minutes before the train was scheduled to depart from Dover Priory.

'Ladies and Gentlemen this is your driver speaking, there is currently a minor fault with the train, I've been on the phone to the call centre and they've advised me to turn the train off and on again. This means the lights will go off and the doors will not open for around a minute. My apologies for the inconvenience."

Yes, I've had that - with the added words "Anybody in the toilet, please flush it and come out immediately, otherwise you'll be stuck in there in the dark, which isn't very nice.

In fact, I've been on an Electrostar which had to be restarted twice - and then evacuated because of what was termed "a fault with the safety equipment", or something similar (I never did find out what, but the driver wanted us to make our way onto the platform rather quickly!).

PaxVobiscum · 16 Jan 2013

From my brief spell as a conductor on the Glasgow Subway - says a normally dour and unexpectedly witty colleague to a rush hour crowd on the platform at a certain station: "Hurry along please - plenty seats upstairs!" The sardines appreciated that.

ATW Alex 101 · 16 Jan 2013

Not funny but I was at the buffet on an EMT hst and the woman behind the counter was fit and when the guard was announcing the buffet availability he said "the very pretty lady behind the counter will be serving you" and she went all red

Another one when they announce the ice cream being sold after Appelby on the S&C the guard described it in a way that it sounded like he was dribbling down the microphone !

DXMachina · 16 Jan 2013

tsr said:
In fact, I've been on an Electrostar which had to be restarted twice - and then evacuated because of what was termed "a fault with the safety equipment", or something similar (I never did find out what, but the driver wanted us to make our way onto the platform rather quickly!).

I was once on a 319 where we couldnt get out, as most of the doors wouldnt open. the driver was repeatedly apologetic until he picked up an engineer (through one of the opening doors) at a station south of London, we stopped for 10 minutes in the platform while the engineer did something, and then all the doors recovered and we continued to Brighton...

Flamingo · 16 Jan 2013

PaxVobiscum said:
From my brief spell as a conductor on the Glasgow Subway - says a normally dour and unexpectedly witty colleague to a rush hour crowd on the platform at a certain station: "Hurry along please - plenty seats upstairs!" The sardines appreciated that.

I'll remember that one :lol:

tsr · 16 Jan 2013

DXMachina said:
I was once on a 319 where we couldnt get out, as most of the doors wouldnt open. the driver was repeatedly apologetic until he picked up an engineer (through one of the opening doors) at a station south of London, we stopped for 10 minutes in the platform while the engineer did something, and then all the doors recovered and we continued to Brighton...

It's not just those 319s... I once had the misfortune of being caught up in disruption at East Croydon involving a FCC 377 with a very odd door problem - as soon as around half (and not a nice neat consecutive half) of the sets of doors were closed, the other half opened! Late in the morning peak... every passenger in a hurry... and a load of befuddled dispatchers and a handful of FCC drivers trying to work out why on earth the doors were randomly opening and closing! Some very funny radio calls were overhead. Eventually, the doors were all disabled individually, and the train ran fast and empty to Lover's Walk.

Realfish · 17 Jan 2013

One I heard (a number of years ago now) as we approached Lichfield, which was our first stop in those days:

'We are approaching Lichfield Trent Valley...will the Network Rail staff, who had hoped to leave the train at Watford, remain onboard and change at Stafford where they will be able catch a service back to London.'

One from a colleague, a few days after some 'secret' government papers had been found and handed in to a national newspaper:

'This is Waterloo...Please be sure to take all of your personal belongings with you...this is especially important if you work for MI5'

One from the 'Sunday Times' from a couple of years back:

Wolverhampton Station Announcer: 'The xx:xx train to Shrewsbury has been cancelled because of leaves on the line (groans). Unfortunately on this occasion the leaves are still attached to the tree!'

NathanPrior · 17 Jan 2013

On the 18:55 Manchester Picc to Euston on 15th December:

"Due to the train only having 9 coaches instead of 11, Coach (can't remember it) is now declassified from First Class, please don't all at once rush down there like a stampede of Cows"

Flamingo · 17 Jan 2013

NathanPrior said:
On the 18:55 Manchester Picc to Euston on 15th December:

"Due to the train only having 9 coaches instead of 11, Coach (can't remember it) is now declassified from First Class, please don't all at once rush down there like a stampede of Cows"

The reason I never announce over the PA that 1st Class is declassified, I walk through informing passengers who are standing I am giving them permission to sit there (a subtle but distinct difference).

DXMachina · 19 Jan 2013

"please be aware we expecting bad weather: We have contingency plans in place but frankly these new trains do NOT like the cold and damp"

Metropolitan line driver, Friday morning, in an S-stock

Funny Guard Announcements.

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