Comedic "things you would ban": minor things that irritate you

[PTR 444]

2. Anyone can make spelling mistakes, but (as this is a joke thread) - I’d fine any organisation that does not correct any spelling or grammar error in a public document (etc) within 24 hours of its being brought to their attention.
Better check this message!

I’d expand that to include the use of Grocer’s apostrophes and where the incorrect spelling of a word is used (For example: Your amazing instead of You’re amazing).

 

[SteveM70]

People who walk around a town centre eating a pie/pastie out of a paper bag, while pushing their child in a chair who is also eating a pie/pastie out of a paper bag (those of you who live in places like Wigan & St Helens will appreciate what I'm on about!).

aka a Greggs dummy

 

[Techniquest]

Unadvertised salad. i.e. meals that come with accompaniments like salad/tomato/Lettuce that are not mentioned on the menu.

"Complicated" drinks in coffee shops that take ages to make (when you're behind them and just want a Latte)

100% with you on the pointless salad! I'm not a fan of salad whatsoever, it does nothing for me. The food waste from restaurants and their pointless salads must be huge!

Agreed too on complicated drinks in a coffee shop, the sort that take at least 5 minutes to make really annoy me. When I go in one, I order a black coffee and that's all I want. I don't want cream, milk, sugar or anything else. I might request a dash of cold water instead of milk mind, if I need the coffee to be drunk quickly when I've taken it out with me, but that's it. I haven't got patience for faffing around with anything else, I like my coffee super plain and easy to make.

I have thought of some little comedic things I would ban myself -

People who call everyone 'boss' - a good indication they've seen the inside of a cell.

People who walk around a town centre eating a pie/pastie out of a paper bag, while pushing their child in a chair who is also eating a pie/pastie out of a paper bag (those of you who live in places like Wigan & St Helens will appreciate what I'm on about!).

People who use text speak when they type up e-mails/reports/letters, I am sure some people are stupid enough to use text speak in job applications. 'LOL' is a phrase I find annoying.

People (some NHS staff too) who stand in groups outside the local hospital smoking like chimney pots, leaving thousands of dog ends everywhere.

People who are making client business calls on a train and are talking about their next investment meeting or their proposals for their next financial project which probably involves defrauding the tax man.

People who let their dogs poo in public spaces and try to behave like they've not seen it.

Fat people who abandon their cars on double yellows, then go into the Chippy or the Chinese Takeaway.

Bank employees who are dressed like they work for a 18-30s travel company (Barclays & Natwest spring to mind!), then they encourage you to use the internet or mobile banking if you step foot in a branch (the ones that are left open!).

People in restaurants with no table manners who then make absolutely no effort to help the table staff - they using leave behind a seating area that needs properly wiping down and sweeping up afterwards. This also goes for the overweight table glutens - the ones who order a pizza, a lasagne, chips and garlic bread, then proceed to make chip 'sandwiches' or dip their pizza/garlic bread in the lasagne. Once they've done, they still have room for a cheesecake or gateau.

Parents who let their young children misbehave in public places and don't challenge them (they are probably the type of people who kept Jeremy Kyle's former show on air so long).

CJ

Oh I am in agreement with so many of those! I haven't time currently to properly reply though. I will try and do so later

Someone mentioned overweight men going topless, I have to concur. Yesterday I was riding through rural Herefordshire, and a Harley rider was chatting to a topless overweight man by the side of the road. The sight of that belly was enough to make one feel ill! Mind you, what's just as bad if not worse is a man I see regularly in Asda. Enormous belly on him, and I mean enormous. He wears a t-shirt, but a large part of his belly sticks out and under it by quite some margin. The stomach is churning just picturing it...

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Saturday night’s BBC news where they say "tonight's lottery numbers are confirmed as....." as if there was any doubt that what had been shown on live telly was wrong

The lottery itself (and especially the scratchers, which without fail I'll be behind someone in the co-op who is spending their entire state pension on). People have moaned about betting company ads here and elsewhere, but they're easy enough to ignore if you don't like them. The state-run (and thus state-sanctioned) lottery however is far more pernicious, and at best is just an extremely inefficient way of donating to "good causes". Second only to the Iraq war as Tory Bliar's biggest mistake.

Oh, also lazy "witty" modifications to names of people and/or organisations...

 

[Cowley]

People that do their shopping and then spend five minutes buying lottery stuff in front of you when you’re in a hurry.

 

[Ianno87]

Saturday night’s BBC news where they say "tonight's lottery numbers are confirmed as....." as if there was any doubt that what had been shown on live telly was wrong

Being pedantic, the numbers drawn must be verified by the independent adjudicator (who presumably needs also to confirm things like the draw machine was functioning correctly, etc).

.

Oh, also lazy "witty" modifications to names of people and/or organisations...

Even better when people think saying it again and again and again makes it funnier each time...

 

[Meerkat]

Harley Davidsons
Mopeds
Changing pub names - all pubs will be renamed to their traditional names
Alleging that more than 100% effort has been made
kids being given names that are not on my approved list of names and spellings.
Music being played through phone speakers.
Buskers using amplifiers
Having a phone conversation on handsfree whilst holding phone

 

[S&CLER]

Can we have compulsory auditions for street singers (male groaners and female wailers) to weed out the talentless majority please? With my windows closed, I'm currently trying not to hear a bloke who has set up with an amp and speakers outside the Roy Castle charity shop (former Argos) on the other side of the street, about 100 yards away.

 

[Ianno87]

Can we have compulsory auditions for street singers (male groaners and female wailers) to weed out the talentless majority please? With my windows closed, I'm currently trying not to hear a bloke who has set up with an amp and speakers outside the Roy Castle charity shop (former Argos) on the other side of the street, about 100 yards away.

I could add "people who live in town centres and busy areas, and then complain when normal things, that you could reasonably expect to happen in those areas, happen"

 

[LSWR Cavalier]

Breaking the Sabbath should be discouraged.

It might be best to have at least three quiet days: Fridays for Muslims, Saturdays for Jews, Sundays for Christians.

 

[ABB125]

I could add "people who live in town centres and busy areas, and then complain when normal things, that you could reasonably expect to happen in those areas, happen"

Or people who buy a house next to a railway, and then complain about the trains going past.

 

[S&CLER]

I could add "people who live in town centres and busy areas, and then complain when normal things, that you could reasonably expect to happen in those areas, happen"

The advantages of town centre living are so great that I happily put up with the very few occasional inconveniences - and it was meant as a light-hearted comment.

 

[Ianno87]

The advantages of town centre living are so great that I happily put up with the very few occasional inconveniences - and it was meant as a light-hearted comment.

Mine was too, don't worry Just being mischievous!

 

[Bald Rick]

Caravans on the public highway

The preparation or consumption of any meal including fish in a public area or workplace environment (excluding restaurants etc)

West Bromwich Albi*n

 

[Meerkat]

I could add "people who live in town centres and busy areas, and then complain when normal things, that you could reasonably expect to happen in those areas, happen"

Buskers having amps is not normal, or reasonable.
They should only be heard in the immediate vicinity. If they have an amp they can be heard from way too far, and as you are likely to be walking that means for far too long.

 

[SteveM70]

Politicians who haven’t previously had a normal job

 

[nlogax]

Marmite
ITV2
Food packaging with a film top that can't be peeled off
Marmite
Marmite
Twiglets

 

[Meerkat]

The use of artisan for anything food or drink related.
The Midlands and France - they both get in the way of getting from here to anywhere interesting to visit.

 

[Gloster]

Use of the word ambient in connection with food.

Putting Christmas cards on sale in August.

 

[SargeNpton]

I have thought of some little comedic things I would ban myself -

People in restaurants with no table manners who then make absolutely no effort to help the table staff - they using leave behind a seating area that needs properly wiping down and sweeping up afterwards. This also goes for the overweight table glutens - the ones who order a pizza, a lasagne, chips and garlic bread, then proceed to make chip 'sandwiches' or dip their pizza/garlic bread in the lasagne. Once they've done, they still have room for a cheesecake or gateau.


CJ

I guess then that you only order gluten-free foods.

 

[PeterC]

1. Having to press a button / touchscreen to select contactless payment ( which means it no longer is!). Surely a machine is “clever” enough to realise “ this person has reached the point where you pay and is holding a valid payment card in front of the sensor - that might just mean the want to use contactless payment”?

Especially when it is the only available payment option!

 

[Darandio]

The use of the word brought instead of bought. For example, "I've just been to the supermarket and brought some apples".

Now I do appreciate that many people may have circumstances/conditions that mean they cannot really avoid doing it. For most though it's just an annoying and contagious habit that they need to stop, it winds me up!

 

[Ianno87]

The use of the word brought instead of bought. For example, "I've just been to the supermarket and brought some apples".

Now I do appreciate that many people may have circumstances/conditions that mean they cannot really avoid doing it. For most though it's just an annoying and contagious habit that they need to stop, it winds me up!

Pacific/Specific

 

[py_megapixel]

Another thing I'd banish is people using toilets on trains to hide from the conductor so they can do something illicit or avoid having to pay for a ticket. Especially when it's the only toilet on the train and I desperately need to use it!

 

[PeterC]

Another thing I'd ban, which my previous post about checkout machines reminded me of, is companies who don't specialise in software design or have any good designers on staff, specifying or designing software whilst not really knowing what they're doing.

The problems usually come from having the spec done by a designer. Of course having a properly trained analyst work with a subject matter expert to build a spec that the designer can use costs money.

 

[ABB125]

Caravans on the public highway

But how else are you meant to hold up traffic for no good reason?

The preparation of any meal including fish in a public area or workplace environment (excluding restaurants etc)

Does eating a tin of tuna on a train count? (literally just opening the tin and eating the contents with no bread or anything. I personally wouldn't call that "preparation"...)

Politicians who haven’t previously had a normal job

People who say things like "normal job" or "normal person" or "normal food" etc (no offense intended!)



Here's another one: people who walk slightly slower than me, such that it's really awkward to overtake them as the speed differential is virtually non-existent (a bit like a lorry doing 56.000000000000mph overtaking one doing 55.999999999999mph).

 

[Bald Rick]

Does eating a tin of tuna on a train count? (literally just opening the tin and eating the contents with no bread or anything. I personally wouldn't call that "preparation"...)

Good point. Edited.

 

[ABB125]

Good point. Edited.

I take it you don't like fish then! Perhaps I should ban such people, for fish is tasty...

 

[SteveM70]

Use of the word ambient in connection with food.

Unless you work in the food industry. We use it all the time and it’s the correct term

 

[C J Snarzell]

One comedic thing I would ban, but is likely to come to an end anyway tomorrow is the idiots who hold everyone up at the bakery/sandwich shop.

There is a chain of pie shops near me called Galloways. I called at my local one to buy a sandwich last Monday and understandably the staff are enforcing a 'one-in-one-out' policy due to the Covid regulations. Last Monday's experience was painful - a numpty who was clearly working (judging by his clobber) was purchasing a large order for his work mates, but ended up ringing a colleague on his mobile phone while he is stood in the shop holding everyone else up. The two way conversation this person was having between his colleague on the phone and the lady in the shop went something like this -

to colleague - ''Tony, they don't have any ham salad left.''
to lady in shop - ''Do you have tuna?''
to colleague - ''What's that?''
to lady in shop - ''Hang on, are there any soft brown rolls left?''
to colleague - ''Tony, they have granary but no brown ones.''
to lady in shop - ''Do you have any barm cakes left that you could do Tuna on?''
to colleague - ''Is Dave there - go and get him if he's back.''
to lady in shop - ''Hang on, he's going finding one of the lads who wants something too.''
There is then a wait of one minute
to colleague - ''Okay mate.''
to lady in shop - ''Do you have any steak & kidney pies?''
to colleague - ''Yeah, one steak & kidney then. Did you say Alison wants something too - is she there?''
There is then another one minute delay.
to lady in shop - ''Can you do a roast beef salad with no butter or mayo.''

I will spare you the rest of the conversation, but this clown held up a queue of 10+ people over the course of ten minutes (that felt longer). The bloke stood in front of me turned round and said to me ''If that clown is not out of that shop in the next two minutes, I'll drag him out!'' A little comedic on reflection, but a very frustrating scenario to be in.

CJ