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Who would you like to make train passenger announcements?

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RailUK Forums

ijmad

ijmad

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Marks and Spencer currently have Ant & Dec, Amanda Holden and Alesha Dixon doing the voice prompts for the Self Scan checkouts due to sort sort of Britain's Got Talent tie-in. I can't stand it, it's insufferable because they all feel the need to introduce themselves and perform with their distracting mannerisms. Please, give me the robot back!
 
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HaggisBotherer

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I've always thought this should be on a loop on Underground train PAs...

ijmad said:
Marks and Spencer currently have Ant & Dec, Amanda Holden and Alesha Dixon doing the voice prompts for the Self Scan checkouts due to sort sort of Britain's Got Talent tie-in. I can't stand it, it's insufferable because they all feel the need to introduce themselves and perform with their distracting mannerisms. Please, give me the robot back!
Click to expand...
If you can afford to shop in M&S then I admit to a certain feeling of schadenfreude...
 
D6975

D6975

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It would be good to have two voices, one doing the main spiel with another interjecting with comments like ‘change there for xxxx’.

You could have

Frasier and Niles

Homer and Marge/Bart

Patsy and Edina

Del Boy and Rodney

Victor and Margaret
 
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HowardGWR

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d9009alycidon said:
Regarding W.H. Auden, this one has done the rounds on Facebook and I absolutely love it!
This is the Voyager crossing the Border
Standing room only, unless you pre order
Seating for the rich, corridors for the poor
The shop has sold out, the buffet no more
Revving up Beattock, claiming to be green

The wires above her, no pan to be seen
Birds turn their heads, as she approaches
Stare from the bushes, at her paltry 5 coaches

Cars in the fast lane can’t keep pace
Have comfortable seats and a lot more grace
Thro’ heather and weather but not fallen leaves
With approval ratings that no-one believes
Shoveling carbon over her shoulder
Nox, particulates, benzene, sulphur
Her weight fatigues the railway line
She’s ten minutes late but that’s on time

In the farm she passes no one wakes
All long gone to euro milk lakes
Dawn freshens but the toilet’s full
Snarling toward the urban sprawl
Scotland, independent nation
Soon an end to this vibration
Past rough estates and fast food chains
Dodging the stones from those with no brains

Call centres, offices, low cost homes
Tattooed teenagers with tweeting phones
Once steel and coal and engineering
Graffiti, flats and multi screening
Trainspotting here is not what it seems
But fuels the crime to pay for dreams
In the dark glens beside pale green sea lochs
Men read their e-mails
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Worthy of a RailUK Forums prize!
I'd like Debbie Harry (what am I saying - I'd adore Debbie Harry). On approaching the terminus they could play 'End of the Run'.
 
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vlad

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I'm reading this thread with abject horror!

All you need is something like: "This is the Northern train to Buxton, the next station is Disley" - and perhaps even that is overkill.

Anyone suggesting some of the annoying people mentioned should be forced to listen to what they've suggested, twice daily for 40 years, on a packed commuter train. <D
 
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Parallel

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I’d quite like the guy who did the narration for The Weakest Link to do railway station announcements. He has an exceptionally clear voice.


EDIT: I have found out his name is Jon Briggs
 
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matacaster

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Just reminiscing, there was a very small woman called Liz Allen who worked for local radio station, Pennine Radio in Bradford many years ago. She had a late night slot and possessed a very seductive voice. I believe she had a bit of a cult following. Anyone else remember her?
 
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matacaster

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Sleeper service announcements

David Attenborough

..... the cabin lights will start to fade as the twilight succumbs to the darkness of night. If you listen carefully, you can hear the hoot of an owl as it passes overhead on its search for a field mouse in the cutting in the distance......... zzzzzzzzz!

Ones to be avoided!

Welcome aboard service message from Brucie

"Nice to see yer, ta see yer nice"

Sleeper message from Morecambe & Wise

Eric - "Get your complementary tea from little urn"
"Have you sampled the new air conditioning - until we got that, Earn's hair piece looked like a dead skinned rat"
 
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EdChap

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Obviously the best person for the job is Chris Grayling. He can start each announcement with "Thanks to me you have enjoyed this wonderful journey and now we are arriving at x on time"
 
pieguyrob

pieguyrob

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For me it would have to be Melissa Rauch as Bernadette from The Big Bang Theory. She can do her soft voice for normal announcements and her shouty voice for when people are being naughty!
 
d9009alycidon

d9009alycidon

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matacaster said:
Sleeper service announcements

David Attenborough

..... the cabin lights will start to fade as the twilight succumbs to the darkness of night. If you listen carefully, you can hear the hoot of an owl as it passes overhead on its search for a field mouse in the cutting in the distance......... zzzzzzzzz!
Click to expand...

....as you sit for half the night at Carstairs as they cannot get the two portions to join up
 
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matacaster

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Teresa may

This is the train leaving Brussels, or maybe not. It might leave from platform 1-4, with assistance from a banker engine, 2-8-0 + 0-8-2 6209 Corbyn. The banker will labour hard, but its direction of travel is uncertain as, in common with Francis Webb designs, the two drivers set off in opposing directions. On the other hand, given clear entry / exit panel box signals the train could leave, but will be severely delayed due to May timetable changes which didn't go well. As it is, the signals are very conflicted, a serious accident is waiting to happen and the layout is unlikely to appeal to the Rail Accident Investigation Board. Passengers hoping to board this train should be aware that the leading coach is bursting at the seams, but the seat allocations are not properly assigned with everybody wanting to grab the Train Managers seat. Please be aware that EU will qualify for delay repay as a result of this service arriving late.

Owing to an accident in Kent, this train will be unable to call at Deal, no Deal or anywhere else. The accident was caused by the old boiler in steam engine 61306 Mayflower exploding due to faulty safety valves.

Passengers should be aware that this service is likely to be run by a new franchise operator in May who have allocated restored steam locomotive 4-6-2 4498 sir nigel farage.

Passengers wishing to depart on the short-formed alternative service headed by vintage steam locomotive 60126 Sir Vincent cable should note that this train is not scheduled to depart at all and platform tickets will suffice.

Your normal service is currently at a standstill having hit the buffers.
 
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pieguyrob

pieguyrob

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matacaster said:
Teresa may

This is the train leaving Brussels, or maybe not. It might leave from platform 1-4, with assistance from a banker engine, 6990 Corbyn. The banker will labour hard, but its direction of travel is uncertain as the two drivers are set in opposing directions. On the other hand, given clear entry / exit panel box signals the train could leave, but will be severely delayed due to May timetable changes which didn't go well.
Click to expand...

I wish there was a like button!
 
Bevan Price

Bevan Price

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Sadly all deceased, but "The Goons", taking turns with the announcements.
Or Kenneth "Round The" Horne, who would add a bit of satire to the reasons for any delays.
 
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