Comedic announcements

[Intermodal]

Hi all,

I know this is not a 'new' topic of discussion but I particularly wanted to share this announcement I just heard on a TPE service from Middlesbrough towards Manchester Airport - and give others an opportunity to share any recent transcriptions or recordings of guards who are taking a foray into stand up comedy.

"Ladies and gentlemen the next stop on this service will be Yaaaaaaaaaarm in just a minutes time. If you are leaving the train in Yarm please mind the step down from the train to the platform, especially in these snowy conditions today - it was really deep before, it came over the top of me flip flops! If you are staying with us past Yarm please have your tickets, passes, and valid excuses ready for inspection. Please note invalid excuses are not acceptable on this service, and passengers holding such will be charged for a full price ticket. Once again ladies and gentlemen, the next stop for this service is Yaaaaaaaaaarm."

Just a few minutes after: "[...] If you do wish to stay updated with the Facebooks, Twitters, Snapchats and other social media while on board please feel free to use our complimentary wifi service - although personally I wouldn't bother today as it's just pictures of snow and ya can see that out the window. [..]"

And later on: "We are now arriving at Thirsk... [pause and silence as an Azuma goes past] WOW, did you see that brand new train go past? Wasn't that exciting? One of the brand new Virgin Trains Azumas... if there are any trainspotters on board they must be going wild!"

I really enjoy hearing stuff like this - it truly brightens my day to see someone breaking away from the robotic monotony that on train announcements have largely become, and who doesn't like to see someone enjoying their job?

I wonder if anyone knows how TOCs generally feel about this? Do they encourage it? I know when I worked in a customer service position for a certain large company I was encouraged to 'break away' from the script as often as possible and 'personalise' things to make me seem more human.

Andrew

 

[TheEdge]

For every person who likes them they'll be a person who doesn't. Its judgement about when and what trains to do them on. Weekend, all going well, off peak, go for it. Delayed Monday morning or Friday evening, probably give it a miss.

 

[Intermodal]

For every person who likes them they'll be a person who doesn't. Its judgement about when and what trains to do them on. Weekend, all going well, off peak, go for it. Delayed Monday morning or Friday evening, probably give it a miss.

Very valid point - I think on a relaxed service like the one I am on, with probably 60% of seats empty, it's totally appropriate. If I heard the OBS trying to crack a joke while I was sardined into a morning peak, I doubt I'd find it very amusing at all.

 

[CaptainHaddock]

Call me an old curmudgeon but I disagree. As you may have seen on the other threads about pointless, unnecessary announcements, most people feel there are too many long and over-wordy announcements as it is, never mind rail staff trying to be funny (I'm not sure what's so amusing about your example). I would rationalise that announcement to just the necessary bit as follows;

"The next stop will be Yarm."

 

[HainultLoop]

There are quite a few videos on YouTube of guards on South West Trains or Southern running a 'quiz' for the passengers on their commute. I always think it's rather nice for rail staff to try and be nice to the passengers who will then view the railway as a much more human industry rather than simply a means of getting from A to B.

 

[DanTrain]

There are quite a few videos on YouTube of guards on South West Trains or Southern running a 'quiz' for the passengers on their commute. I always think it's rather nice for rail staff to try and be nice to the passengers who will then view the railway as a much more human industry rather than simply a means of getting from A to B.

That just sounds plain irritating to anyone trying to hold a converstation or do some work. I've nothing wrong with lightening up people's day, indeed anything makes a welcome change from either monotonous automated announcements or Northern's habit of (in gruff, barely audiable voice though dodgy PA) "Next stop ......", of no use to anyone, but using the PA for anything other than useful information seems wrong, and could mean people don't listen in an emergency (the same goes for the incessent see it, say it, sorted played on Thameslink).

 

[MontyP]

My favourite was a platform announcer on the Victoria Line on London Underground - "Welcome to Oxford Circus, the jewel in the crown of London Underground!"

 

[AM9]

I may have mentioned this before but it is relevant in more than one way to this thread:

Way back in the early seventies when Ray Buckton was waging war with BR with 'work to rule', I was commuting on the GEML and things were getting pretty desperate with one EMU after another being declared unfit for use and typically maybe two 8-car and one 12-car diagrams being replaced by a single four-car unit. These were MK1 non-corridor stock with 'major' faults such as missing bars on luggage racks or droplights that wouldn't stay up, so the drivers were really only refusing to take units out because it was in the passengers' best interests.
At this time there was a dispatcher at Chelmsford called Ted who was well liked by passengers and genuinely sympathised with their plight. To cheer people up in the mornin, he would make amusing (to most) comments about when delayed trains would arrive, or why they were late. I remember a Witham starter being short and about 20 minutes late after a couple of cancellations. He told us that the trains had been delayed but the Driver and Guard were doing all they could by pushing it along the track. The majority of the crowd sniggered at this bit of light relief and we all moved on. However, he was banned from making anything other than 'official' announcements as (according to the local paper), somebody had complained. Nobody we knew would own up to complaining so it must have made somebody in BR (ER) feel just a little bit uncomfortable.

 

[Parallel]

I quite like them personally. I think they are best placed on arriving at the terminus though.

One of my favourites of recent time was on a GWR refurbished 150/2 where the microphone stayed on after the guard made an announcement, and we got that she didn’t like the new announcement system and what she was planning on having for dinner

Another recent favourite was when a two car formation turned up in place of a four car one and the guard announced to “squeeze right in because every inch matters!” - which caused the whole carriage to erupt in laughter and then she realised what she had said!

 

[Bletchleyite]

For every person who likes them they'll be a person who doesn't. Its judgement about when and what trains to do them on. Weekend, all going well, off peak, go for it. Delayed Monday morning or Friday evening, probably give it a miss.

I can't think of a specific example at the minute, but there are some ex-LM guards who are quite good at getting even the most hacked-off, delayed, full-and-standing commuter back on side.

Commuters tend by and large to have quite a sarcastic sense of humour when it comes to such things, and if done right it can really work.

 

[Bletchleyite]

My favourite was a platform announcer on the Victoria Line on London Underground - "Welcome to Oxford Circus, the jewel in the crown of London Underground!"

"Welcome to Willesden Junction, the dog**** on the shoes of London Overground"?

(No, not heard that, but it must be tempting, Harlesden really is a dive)

I do quite like a bit of proud announcing, though. One I particularly recall was "Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Borderlands city of Carlisle", to welcome me off the earlyish Saturday Pendolino. It made my hair stand on end and came with a massive feeling of pride that the "big train from down south" had come to visit their little but historic city, all in one sentence.

 

[class387]

Not comedic as such, but one GTR driver/OBS I had a few years ago repeated all of his announcements in French. This was on a local service from Sutton to Victoria.

 

[theironroad]

The odd one is ok, but if you're on the train a while and it's every stop and the announcement is loud it becomes very boring especially if even headphones don't drown it out.

 

[Dentonian]

With Northern, I think we would just settle for the announcement being audible, rather than the usual "Sorry for the delay in arriving at Piccadlly this morning, this is due to ....mumble, mumble, mumble. OTOH, to save the conductors voice, standard regular (and obvious) announcements apologising for short-forming should be pre-recorded.

 

[Non Multi]

 

[E_Reeves]

I've seen one where the saloon lighting goes out for a second and when they come back on the guard makes a ghost sound.
In the same announcement there was "A selection of drinks and light snacks will NOT be available on this train".

 

[Panupreset]

Once, not long after the automated 'you must by a valid ticket before you get on one of our trains.....' announcements began, 'welcome to xxxxxxx where this train terminates. If you have got here all the way from xxxxxx without a valid ticket and haven't got a penalty fare, well done, you should apply to join the secret service'

 

[Antman]

Call me an old curmudgeon but I disagree. As you may have seen on the other threads about pointless, unnecessary announcements, most people feel there are too many long and over-wordy announcements as it is, never mind rail staff trying to be funny (I'm not sure what's so amusing about your example). I would rationalise that announcement to just the necessary bit as follows;

"The next stop will be Yarm."

I agree, a little bit of humour by all means but it can get a bit silly and tiresome and possibly result in somebody getting off at the wrong stop.

 

[Smidster]

Call me a killjoy but I hate this kind of mindless, and unfunny, claptrap.

To me the whole point of announcements should be to inform me of either impending station stops in a simple and short manner or if there is an emergency situation.

The rest of the act is not deeply irritating - I just want to travel from point A to point B..If I wanted a comedy show I would have gone to a comedy show where there would have at least been a chance of the person doing it being funny.

 

[ian1944]

Genuinely funny (though how can you define that?) and non-repetitive ad libs are OK, but if the announcer isn't careful he/she is just working to a different script, to be trotted out ad nauseum. I recall a long trip many years ago on a National Express coach, at a time when hostesses were employed, where the male driver's announcements about the imminent at-seat buffet service always referred to his colleague "Fluff, because she gets right up my nose". Imagine that for hours on end.

 

[axlecounter]

Obviously it must be a one-off on a single trip and be done only every once in a while in the guard’s week... .If it’s a guard that puts here and there something funny I think it’s very cool, if it’s a wannabe comedian sure it’s not.

 

[sheff1]

Genuinely funny (though how can you define that?) and non-repetitive ad libs are OK, but if the announcer isn't careful he/she is just working to a different script, to be trotted out ad nauseum.

People who are consistently genuinely funny are pretty rare and difficult to define (but you know one when you hear one). Others can make one-off genuinely funny, or even just mood lightening, comments and know when to stop.

Unfortunately, many of these "comedic" guards fall into the category of trotting out the same old 'joke(s)' at station after station, day after day which just becomes irritating.

 

[185]

...many years ago on a National Express coach......Imagine that for hours on end.

Many many moons ago, in a different life just after leaving school, I wore a lovely red jersey, and sold tea, coffee and twixes etc mostly on the M6 and the M1. I trained some of the new starters too, and would try ad-lib during the announcements to keep the passengers happy. With one new starter, I did and announcement, and quite straight-faced started it with "Bing-bong." At the end I went "oh, err.. .. bong bing." - much to the amusement of the punters.

Now, the newbie, as annoying as he was decided that he would do this on every single announcement for the next six months. There were drivers wanting to hold him out the window into lane 3 within a week. I think I created a monster

 

[traction22]

I've got to say, a few of the Cross Country guys are excellent at this. "Unfortunately the roof top seating* is closed today" (He might have said conservatory, or something similar. The same guy listed the stops in anagram form (followed by " and if you don't like anagrams, we'll be stopping at xx, xxx, xxxx), and of course, "READING, the next stop is READING" (and DERBY) each pronounced differently. Always makes me chuckle.

 

[43096]

I've got to say, a few of the Cross Country guys are excellent at this. "Unfortunately the roof top seating* is closed today" (He might have said conservatory, or something similar. The same guy listed the stops in anagram form (followed by " and if you don't like anagrams, we'll be stopping at xx, xxx, xxxx), and of course, "READING, the next stop is READING" (and DERBY) each pronounced differently. Always makes me chuckle.

If I was stood in the vestibule I would not be impressed with that. Sounds like one of those irritating “I think I’m a comedian” types.

 

[aye2beeviasea]

I've got to say, a few of the Cross Country guys are excellent at this. "Unfortunately the roof top seating* is closed today" (He might have said conservatory, or something similar. The same guy listed the stops in anagram form (followed by " and if you don't like anagrams, we'll be stopping at xx, xxx, xxxx), and of course, "READING, the next stop is READING" (and DERBY) each pronounced differently. Always makes me chuckle.

He sounds even less funny than Michael McIntyre, if that's possible.

 

[SteveyBee131]

Personally I quite like Michael McIntyre's comedy, but let's get back on subject

I can only think of 1 off the top of me head, a few years ago on the Penistone Line...

On the approach to Meadowhall: "Meadowhall is where we're stopping, so you can go and do your shopping"

Approaching Barnsley (famous locally for it's markets): "Anyone for t' markets? You'll want to be off here, we're at Barnsley"

Penistone: "The scenery's getting better by the second! Anyone for Penistone, we're here"

And the last one I can remember from that wonderful trip was approaching Denby Dale (famous for meat and potato pies): "Anyone for delicious pie and veg dinner, Denby Dale's the place to be, and we're here"

Truly delightful As has been said already, there is a time and a place, but even just to hear an everyday run-of-the-mill announcement in a bright cheery voice can make anybody smile

 

[traction22]

He sounds even less funny than Michael McIntyre, if that's possible.

To be fair, it's the way I tell 'em. They were both quite funny and everyone had a little laugh.

East Midland (Sheffield-London) on the other hand, are generally quite long, boring and mostly not relevant. They seem to like the sound of their own voice.

 

[button_boxer]

Had a real comedian on the heart of Wales line a few weeks ago, the first few times it was funny but there's an awful lot of stops between Swansea and Crewe and it did start to grate a bit by the time we got to the crew change.

 

[Clansman]

I wonder how XC's gaffers would react to a guard reciting Kevin Bridges;

"We are now arriving in Sheffield, could all passengers in first class please pull back your window blinds and take a look...at the real world"