Funny Guard Announcements.

[- Cal -]

The train will shortly be arriving at .......... If you look out on your left hand side you will see a brand new BMW 3 series in blue, that's mine.

 

[Requeststop]

Not from a guard but a reaction to a guards announcement as to why we were stuck outside of Finsbury Park to Kings Cross for 15 mins this evening due to "signal problems".

The passenger in front of me said to his companion - 'I hope we don't have to reverse back to Finsbury Park - as it's Krapy Rub Snif" when you read it backwards. After a few seconds thought, I was laughing out loud.

and an old joke from "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" in the 1960's!

Station Announcer "The Train now arriving at Platforms 1,2,3,4,5,6,7, and 8, has come in sideways".

 

[scotsman]

Not a guard's announcement, but the other week I was on reading out raffle results (seems I got the job permanently following this) and I told them to get their tickets ready, then played this while I waited

 

[philjo]

The passenger in front of me said to his companion - 'I hope we don't have to reverse back to Finsbury Park - as it's Krapy Rub Snif" when you read it backwards. After a few seconds thought, I was laughing out loud.

and an old joke from "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" in the 1960's!

One of Humphrey Lyttleton's classic lines on one of the episodes of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (while introducing the game ciryl - where the words are pronounced backwards)

 

[Charlie2555]

I was at Basingstoke Station (I know it's not a guard announcement but oh well!) and there was a bunch of children who looked about 12 walking up to the end of the platform for a smoke. Obviously they were observed on CCTV because the announcement said "Attention on platform 1, please remember smoking is not permitted anywhere on the station" That made them move and they walked away looking rather embarrassed with everyone looking at them! Shouldn't be smoking at all let alone at age 12!!!!

 

[ChristopherJ]

Two of my favorites have been with Southeastern...

1) On a London - Hastings service;
"We are now approaching Tonbridge, change here for nothing particularly interesting, stay on until Hastings - it's much better there"

2) On a 376 at North Kent East Junction back in Summer 2010 when stopped for over 25 mins due to a track circuit failure;
"South Eastern would like to apologise for the lack of air conditioning on this train, this is due to the manufacturer only specifying it in the cab - where I am..."

For the latter, I could see some people got so wound up they looked like they was going to break down the cab door and punch the driver.

 

[Big Jim]

Was once at a Hawkwind concert in Worthing, and it seems the guard was a Hawkwind fan. So journey home from Worthing to Shoreham consisted of alsorts of psychedelic references. I can't remember exactly as was 25 odd years back, but was highly amusing.

 

[jnjkerbin]

At London Bridge on a Southeastern Train.

"Welcome aboard this service to Tunbridge Wells. Please note that this service goes nowhere near Gatwick Airport or Redhill so please alight from the train now if you want to go there."

Also on South Eastern there's a guard who has a habit of whenever he sees a couple travelling together "Thank you madam and your father's ticket? Thank you sir!"

 

[6Gman]

On a Chester - Euston Voyager today the shop/buffet chappie (what are they called these days?) listed the usual range of offerings, then added:

"WE also have some gossip magazines. One has Tom and Katie on the front. It seems they're looking for new friends. Perhaps if you youngsters read about it you could be their new friend.

Unfortunately we are having difficulties with the card reader - bit like my mother-in-law, doesn't work. Don't know why."

 

[Michael.Y]

On a Chester - Euston Voyager today the shop/buffet chappie (what are they called these days?)

Customer Hosts.

 

[dvboy]

On the 1720 Birmingham - Edinburgh train today, halfway between Birmingham and Wolverhampton an automated announcement stated we were arriving at Stratford Upon Avon.

 

[Flamingo]

On the 1720 Birmingham - Edinburgh train today, halfway between Birmingham and Wolverhampton an automated announcement stated we were arriving at Stratford Upon Avon.

The joys of dodgy counters. I remember a similar thing on a diverted 180 back in the day. We were half-way up the middle of nowhere on a Pad - Cardiff that had been diverted at Swindon to run via GCR as the Severn tunnel had been closed, and Digital Doris announces Bristol Parkway!

 

[ainsworth74]

I once had a TPE 170 that was convinced that every stop was Selby, so on arrival at Brough and Hull we were told that "The next station is Selby" and "We are now arriving at Selby" and "This train will be calling at Selby, Brough and Hull" over and over again.

 

[MCW]

had a great one, cross country about 2009 on a college trip to brum.

'We are now approaching Water Orton'

next station along around 3 mins later

'We are now approaching water orton' there was a loud, 'What the hell?' in our carriage and the guy went 'we must be on that blasted loop line again'

 

[tsr]

I've heard "We are now approaching London Victoria, our final destination" on a Horsham stopper nearing Earlswood - heading Southbound. Some North American tourists (who hadn't fallen for the Gatwick Express) on board were very anxious...

 

[Michael.Y]

Doris was two stops behind all the way from Hereford to Holyhead and then back to Chester yesterday. The train was fairly full so as I trundled through I kept people abreast of the situation.

 

[Joseph_Locke]

Late 80s at Bletchley, just as the Bletchley TMD Jockey was wheeling the S&C of the slow line half of South Junction northwards on PUM trolleys, the station PA bursts into life:

"The junction now approaching platforms 3 and 4 terminates here. All change please".

About the same time, also at Bletchley, during the testing of what was then the brand-new NSE automated announcements, something along the lines of:

"The next train at platform nine is the delayed oh one fifteen service to Birmingham New Street, calling at Milton Keynes Central, Watford Junction, Northampton, Milton Keynes Central, Rugby, Tring, Long Buckby and then all stations to Bushey. Please stand clear of the platform edge". Mondo headscratching.

On the 15:00 from Manchester Piccadilly, late 90s:

"This is the 15:00 to London Euston. If you aren't in a hurry, stay on this one but if you are in a hurry, get off this one and wait for the 16:00; it gets there first."

 

[David Goddard]

On a Central Trains Liverpool-Norwich Cl158 back in the 90s:

Guard of West Indian origin announces:
"We are now approaching March, and after leaving March we will call at April, May and June"

 

[IanD]

Late 80s at Bletchley, just as the Bletchley TMD Jockey was wheeling the S&C of the slow line half of South Junction northwards on PUM trolleys, the station PA bursts into life:

"The junction now approaching platforms 3 and 4 terminates here. All change please".

That's probably amusing if you know what TMD and S&C mean and what PUM trolleys are.
A quick google tells me it's about a Temporomandibular Disorder, the Settle and Carlisle railway and half a pair of extremely short shorts and underpants.

 

[Joseph_Locke]

That's probably amusing if you know what TMD and S&C mean and what PUM trolleys are.
A quick google tells me it's about a Temporomandibular Disorder, the Settle and Carlisle railway and half a pair of extremely short shorts and underpants.

TMD - Traction maintenance depot

S&C - Switch and Crossing

PUM - Portique Universal du Manutention (I can't believe you didn't know that one)

Perhaps you need a good book?

 

[IanXC]

On the 1720 Birmingham - Edinburgh train today, halfway between Birmingham and Wolverhampton an automated announcement stated we were arriving at Stratford Upon Avon.

Am I the only one wondering why a 220/221/390 would have Stratford on Avon even in its automated announcements?

 

[dvboy]

Am I the only one wondering why a 220/221/390 would have Stratford on Avon even in its automated announcements?

It was a Voyager, and you aren't the only one.

I did wonder if Virgin Cross Country ever stopped/ were planned to stop there.

 

[Flamingo]

Not a guard announcement, heard on "Mock the Week" on Dave last night, but one I'd LOVE to make...

"If you would like to upgrade to First Class, you should have worked harder at school and got a better job"

 

[moonrakerz]

One I heard reported on the radio just after England's exit from Euro 2012.

"This is the 0732 to Charing Cross - but as my name is Ashley I might miss and end up at Liverpool St"

 

[Michael.Y]

Not a guard announcement, heard on "Mock the Week" on Dave last night, but one I'd LOVE to make...

"If you would like to upgrade to First Class, you should have worked harder at school and got a better job"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JnQFyhyVmA

 

[60maniac]

On board a service from Birmingham New Street to Lichfield, we were stopped for several moments when the PA on 323's burst into life and a guy with a deep brummy accent said "we apologise for the delay ladies and gentlemen there appears to be someone walking towards us"

 

[gnolife]

Would the person who boarded this service at Stockport please tell me how the hell he managed to beat us to getting there (this was on a Mid Cheshire line service - I'd watched it leaving Piccadilly and made it to SPT on the Cleethorpes train)

 

[gimmea50anyday]

Some diamond announcements here, absolute gold. Think I might have o pinch one or to for my repotoire...

I have been known to say " ladies and gents, are you all sitting comfortably? -buzz driver- then lets begin -driver buzzes back engines power up- keep your hands and arms inside the ride at all times, remember to mile for the camera, and scream if you want to go faster!"

As an xc RSM back in the day polyphonic ringtones was the new fashion for mobile phones a colleague of mine, trigger, was showing off his new phone. Hearing his muppet theme ringtone I quickly scrabbled some lyrics down on a piece of paper then he set his phone to play....

Bing bong! And we started singing... It's time to turn the urn on, it's time to brew the tea, it's time to buy your biscuits at the virgin muppet shop! - then in a terrible kirmit impression I finished with "ladies and gentleman the virgin muppet shop is open in coach D, hooray!" Cue standing ovation from coach D, followed by bollocking of the century from the French TM working the train that day. Was worth it tho....

 

[Stonesourscotty]

On a Kirkby Train Passengers are advised to exit the train at Wigan to avoid low flying bricks in the Kirkby Region Also heard an unrepeatable one on the Atherton line in FNW days.

 

[rebmcr]

I was the only passenger on the last service back from Macclesfield to Manchester a few years back, guard's voice came over the PA "Now calling at The People's Republic of Poynton".

I think there were other funny announcements that night, but that's the one I remember.