After seeing another thread which we enjoyed the other day regarding cancelling your credit cards I came across this:-
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in The Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque
with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last
month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have
elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour
it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I
admit, has been in place for only eight years. You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that
I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and
the mandatory details of his/ her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case
I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password
to access my computer is required. A password will
be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in The Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque
with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last
month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have
elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour
it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I
admit, has been in place for only eight years. You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that
I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and
the mandatory details of his/ her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case
I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password
to access my computer is required. A password will
be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
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