Marches line- singing conductor

[Phil from Mon]

Users of this line may remember the guy on the refreshment trolley who offered items such as newts, badgers etc a few years ago. He has a new rival - the singing conductor who, to tunes including Ghost riders in the sky, tells us we are leaving sunny Shrewsbury, to settle back in our comfy seats, are arriving in sunny Hereford, and so on. Funny at first, but…….

I have never come across these sorts of things on other routes, but I suppose they must happen.

 

[diffident]

I think guards/conductors putting a bit of personality and humour into proceedings is great! Certainly makes journey's just that little bit better when I've come across one!

 

[kristiang85]

I had one on SWR last week saying any children left on the train would be sold to the circus. Gave me a good chuckle

 

[ainsworth74]

I have never come across these sorts of things on other routes, but I suppose they must happen.

We had a conductor here on Teesside who did his announcements in verse using rhyming couplets and similar. Well, I said had, he still works for Northern as a conductor but since auto announcements became a thing we're sadly subjected to that rather than his much more enjoyable manual announcements. Actually made the local rag a few years ago:

...

Some people may quickly run out of steam when it comes to poetry, but Northern Rail train conductor Graham Palmer is always on the right track when delivering on-train announcements in rhyming couplet form.

...

And as we join him on the 10.21 Middlesbrough to Saltburn service, he says the positive reaction from passengers makes it all worthwhile.

“The poems aren’t that clever really. They’re not Wordsworth, they’re just simple rhyming couplets, but it’s all a bit of fun.

“I was a bit self-conscious to start with but I’ve got more confident now, especially when I see the smiles on people’s faces.

“I don’t do them for every announcement and I try to mix them up a bit. For our regular passengers, it’s probably a little bit repetitive but then again, so are safety announcements! And at least people are listening rather than just switching off.”

Graham, married to Trudy for 22 years, likes to freshen his poems up with couplets penned at home and make them relevant to the stations his trains pass through. And with Graham travelling several routes - Middlesbrough to Newcastle (coast and main line), Middlesbrough to Saltburn, the Esk Valley line to Whitby and Middlesbrough to Darlington/Bishop Auckland - there’s plenty of poetic raw material.

Take, for example, “Next stop Redcar Central, sun sea and sand,

Take all your belongings, that would be grand.”

And with The Gazette in mind: “We have some guests on board from the local paper,

So please, please, please, be on your best behaviour!”

Graham added: “Some of the drivers take the mickey - they say ‘oh no, it’s not you today is it?’ But we have a laugh and the passengers seem to like it, although I’ve probably put myself under a bit of pressure now to keep them going now!

“I’m taking the mickey out of myself a little bit and it’s all done tongue in cheek, but at least it’s getting the message across.

“And the best words you can hear as a conductor are ‘I’m glad it’s you today’.”

Passenger Kath Sainsbury of Saltburn said: “He is well known and liked by all his regular passengers and his jolly personality gives us all a lift.”

Northern’s conductor team manager at Middlesbrough, Colin Savage, smiled: “Graham’s delivering the announcements in a different way which makes people listen, so we’re delighted. The other conductors are scared we’re going to make them do it too, but we don’t have any plans!”

Examples of Graham’s poetry:​

At the start of the journey.....

I’m Graham your conductor and welcome on track
Safety information’s at front and back
Keep all your personal belongings in view
As you don’t want anything missing, do you?

Have your tickets and passes ready to see
And if you have neither, you’ll have to pay me
If you’re buying a ticket, please have the right money
Cos my tea’s going cold and it’s simply not funny


And at the end of the journey......

Thank you for travelling on Northern with Graham
Please use the handrails when you step from the train
If you’re making connections, consult platform screens
Or ask station staff if there’s any to be seen

Keep your tickets and passes to exit the gate
Cos any delay and you’ll be in late
Tell Northern Rail Twitter how it was for you
Cos we value your feedback, yes we really do!

Watch the Northern Rail conductor whose poems keep passengers on the right track

Marske's Bard of the rails Graham Palmer uses rhyming couplets when delivering his on-train announcements

www.gazettelive.co.uk

(Warning: The Gazette is now a Reach publication so an ad blocker is strongly advised unless you want to wade through a sea of adds before getting to the article)

He also did a post-Covid "welcome back" video in his own style for Northern though for some reason it was filmed in West Yorkshire rather on his actual home patch of Teesside!

 

[tomuk]

What about the DJ/Bingo Caller/VO style Southern driver?

 

[JohnRegular]

There's a lovely guard working for GWR who always delivers his announcements with buckets of enthusiasm; nothing too over the top or excessive, but with the odd joke thrown in, e.g. "please make sure you have all your belongings with you when you leave the train, I have far too much stuff on eBay as it is!". It's always a pleasure to have that guard, it's never 'too much' and is always refreshing. In fact, it's quite reassuring to know he actually cares about his job and the passenger experience.

Now, singing and poetry... I respect the place it's coming from, and maybe I would enjoy it, I'm sure plenty do. But I think that could potentially be quite irritating if it caught me in the wrong mood, especially over the course of a longer journey. Perhaps I'm being unfair!

 

[chris_in_salop]

Users of this line may remember the guy on the refreshment trolley who offered items such as newts, badgers etc a few years ago. He has a new rival - the singing conductor who, to tunes including Ghost riders in the sky, tells us we are leaving sunny Shrewsbury, to settle back in our comfy seats, are arriving in sunny Hereford, and so on. Funny at first, but…….

I have never come across these sorts of things on other routes, but I suppose they must happen.

Please, for the love of God, no.

Although given that most carriages at the weekend appear to be pre-installed with at least one raucous hen party, I don't suppose it will make that much difference.

 

[PeterC]

There was a singing guard on the GE in the late 60s. I never encountered him while travelling but saw him at local folk clubs quite often, he was a good singer but that didn't,'t stop the complaints.

 

[Parallel]

There's a lovely guard working for GWR who always delivers his announcements with buckets of enthusiasm; nothing too over the top or excessive, but with the odd joke thrown in, e.g. "please make sure you have all your belongings with you when you leave the train, I have far too much stuff on eBay as it is!". It's always a pleasure to have that guard, it's never 'too much' and is always refreshing. In fact, it's quite reassuring to know he actually cares about his job and the passenger experience.

I’ve come across this guard too - I think he’s based at Bristol Temple Meads. But yes, always a joy, and usually gets a few laughs from passengers.

I also had one on the SWR Weymouth route a few weeks ago who was very enthusiastic, and was saying things such as ‘Welcome on board this amazing service to Weymouth’ and ‘Keep a look out after Wool and you might see some deer!’ Whilst this was fun and a novelty, it did start wearing a bit thin towards the end of the journey.

 

[Revilo]

I’ve come across this guard too - I think he’s based at Bristol Temple Meads. But yes, always a joy, and usually gets a few laughs from passengers.

Unfortunately if you’re thinking of David the guard on GWR, who I agree was always a joy, he is no longer on the railways. This is because of an incident with a fare dodger, at least according to his twitter account. A real shame.

 

[Nick Ashwell]

My best experience of an announcement onboard had tom be when travelling from Treforest on a Bridgend train, with the announcement being along the lines of:
"Passengers for Bridgend are advised to change at Cardiff due to this train going round the blooming world!"

 

[dalesrail]

Anybody remember the self styled 'grumpy old man'? He was a Merseyrail guard based at Souhport and his announcements were legendary. There was even a Facebook page dedicated to his best quotes at one point. Not seem him for a few years now, so I'm assuming he's retired.

 

[LowLevel]

I think guards/conductors putting a bit of personality and humour into proceedings is great! Certainly makes journey's just that little bit better when I've come across one!

When you've been hearing them over again for years it gets a bit much

I've been described as "the one with the calm voice when it's all going wrong" which I'll happily take but going off piste is definitely not for me.

Our most famous one was probably Jesus John from Lincoln who used to round his announcements off with "good night, God bless, ta!" (Used to go down his trains always wearing a crucifix and a peaked cap) but he retired in his 70s and passed away a few years ago now.

 

[JohnRegular]

Unfortunately if you’re thinking of David the guard on GWR, who I agree was always a joy, he is no longer on the railways. This is because of an incident with a fare dodger, at least according to his twitter account. A real shame.

The guard I referred to in my first post is thankfully still going (or at least was very recently), sad to hear that other ostensibly excellent staff members have had to leave though.

 

[gimmea50anyday]

Unfortunately if you’re thinking of David the guard on GWR, who I agree was always a joy, he is no longer on the railways. This is because of an incident with a fare dodger, at least according to his twitter account. A real shame.

another case of company management sticking up for the fare dodger on the basis of customer service and company image over basic facts and railway byelaws? Doesn't suprise me, I have been at the receiving end of that old chestnut too….

 

[sw1ller]

Genuinely, if I hear a guard who likes the sound of their voice too much, I’ll flick the circuit breaker.

 

[Eccles1983]

Genuinely, if I hear a guard who likes the sound of their voice too much, I’ll flick the circuit breaker.

Correct answer, if you want to sing then join a club.

Otherwise you are treated as a distraction and are eliminated as one.

 

[LowLevel]

Genuinely, if I hear a guard who likes the sound of their voice too much, I’ll flick the circuit breaker.

Not very clever or professional to admit to interfering with a system that has rulebook/company specific instruction provisions in case of it being inoperable.

Yes, some guards can be annoying. No, isolating the PA/call for aids/whatever else might be on that breaker in that vehicle is not the solution.

 

[Eccles1983]

Not very clever or professional to admit to interfering with a system that has rulebook/company specific instruction provisions in case of it being inoperable.

Yes, some guards can be annoying. No, isolating the PA/call for aids/whatever else might be on that breaker in that vehicle is not the solution.

The rulebook only relates to a DOO train with the PA.

By virtue that the guard is causing the problem this negates the rulebook requirement.

And DOTE is irrelevant for this as well for that company. So the first paragraph of your retort is moot. Its extremely unprofessional to use the pa as your own microphone. The fact that it is tolerated is even worse.

A distraction for the driver is a safety issue. If removing that distraction means that the guard has to patrol the train then so be it.

The alternative is stopping the train in section, informing the signaller and control of the delay and confronting the guard to tell them to focus on their job instead of being a social media stalwart.

 

[Reliablebeam]

I remember the legendary 'newt' guy in the Welsh border route - he was old when I regularly plied that route, what 20 years ago!! I have a vague recollection of chatting with him. There seemed to be some characters down that route, I remember a Chester based guard who I was always pleased to see aboard my services as I knew if anything went wrong he would be fighting the passengers corner and trying to sort stuff out. Broke the magic a bit when a relative at the same depot told me he was considered an irksome pain in the backside by many co-workers...

The 'amusing' announcements can be a pain on a long, delayed journey with some rowdy hen/stag do or kids on board but I think there are a few GWR ones who get things right. A friend of mine is an airline pilot and according to her they are told to tailor and moderate their announcements depending on whether they are on a bucket and spade or a business run, which seems a good piece of advice...

 

[Parallel]

Unfortunately if you’re thinking of David the guard on GWR, who I agree was always a joy, he is no longer on the railways. This is because of an incident with a fare dodger, at least according to his twitter account. A real shame.

I think the one I’m thinking of goes by the name ‘Mick’ but I may have misread his badge. He was quite tall with relatively short grey hair.

 

[MisterSheeps]

There used to be a good one on the Buxton line, at about 5pm from Manchester who used to say the intermediate station names as fast as possible then ended on '... aaat Buuuxxtoooon' as slowly as possible. Doesn't sound funny but it was.

 

[LSWR Cavalier]

I just got home after a long train trip, a bit tired. I am very glad there was no singing squawking guard trying to 'entertain' us. Talking normally with an interesting accent would be ok.

 

[GalaxyDog]

Bit of a double edge this. Sometimes, early morning commuters just want to gently wake up and mentally arm themselves for the work day ahead. Same in the evening, they just want to unwind after a hard day's work. Some tannoy systems can get annoying if overloud or if over eager. Think Eddie from Hitchhiker's and the falsely-over-cheerful Americanness. I can see how that can grate.

But on the other hand, it's wonderful to see that some people really care and are enthused about their job. They're blessed people and lucky to have TOCs/employers that allow it (even encourage it?). I know for a fact that my TOC would throttle and possibly P45 anyone who decided to sing/rap/tour guide/personalise the announcements.

 

[MaidaVale]

I've had quite a few over the years, and so far I've always enjoyed and welcomed it. I can imagine something on the level of singing could really get on my nerves if I'd been on a 12 hour non-stop journey and wanted nothing more than to just get home, Although any enthusiastic or all-round nice guard, cracking jokes or not, I'm all for

One time that springs to mind was on Southeastern in early March 2020 just pre-covid, Really pleasant and enthusiastic over the PA, sounded very genuine and from the people around me, Seemed to get a good response from passengers. I certainly appreciated it anyway. He pointed out various landmarks and views as we were crossing the thames into Charing Cross, and thanked the driver over PA as we were approaching the platform. Ashley I beleive his name to be. Top marks from me, I passed his name onto Southeastern's Social Media team as compliments, although as discussed previously on the forum, It's unlikely it'll have reached him. I did record a few of the announcements he made between London Bridge and Charing Cross, although lost due to an issue with iCloud.

Another time a few years ago on a Virgin 390, on the approach into Crewe, the guard played "always look on the bright side of life" down the PA, and interjected with some witty yet still informative things, including when one of the lyrics was 'and remember', He interjected with "to take all your personal belonings with you when you leave the train". Again, I found it funny and appreciated it, and from the looks on other passengers faces, so did they. He was pleasant throughout on the PA, although only did this at Crewe, so it didn't get repetitive. I also appreciate that he kept what I assume to be his phone or something a decent distance from the microphone, so that we weren't all deafened by distorted audio. Didn't catch his name or appearance.

Haven't experienced either of them since, although wouldn't object to doing so.

Overall, the concept gets a good verdict from me, Just don't seriously overdo it (I've never experienced it being overdone).

 

[sw1ller]

The rulebook only relates to a DOO train with the PA.

By virtue that the guard is causing the problem this negates the rulebook requirement.

And DOTE is irrelevant for this as well for that company. So the first paragraph of your retort is moot. Its extremely unprofessional to use the pa as your own microphone. The fact that it is tolerated is even worse.

A distraction for the driver is a safety issue. If removing that distraction means that the guard has to patrol the train then so be it.

The alternative is stopping the train in section, informing the signaller and control of the delay and confronting the guard to tell them to focus on their job instead of being a social media stalwart.

Thanks for saving me the time replying pal. Haha

 

[43066]

Genuinely, if I hear a guard who likes the sound of their voice too much, I’ll flick the circuit breaker.

I can understand the sentiment, but that isn’t a rabbit hole I’d want to go down, personally.

Not very clever or professional to admit to interfering with a system that has rulebook/company specific instruction provisions in case of it being inoperable.

Yes, some guards can be annoying. No, isolating the PA/call for aids/whatever else might be on that breaker in that vehicle is not the solution.

Indeed.

I felt like picking the handset up and correcting a few of the ridiculous announcements made over Covid myself, but the fallout wouldn’t have been worth it!

A distraction for the driver is a safety issue. If removing that distraction means that the guard has to patrol the train then so be it.

All the stock I’ve signed mutes the PA announcements in the driving cab, or at least there’s a volume control.

The alternative is stopping the train in section, informing the signaller and control of the delay and confronting the guard to tell them to focus on their job instead of being a social media stalwart.

If necessary, yes. But it would have to be pretty bad before this was a serious option.

I’ve opened the cab door and asked trolley staff to stop playing music on their phones in the bike area behind the cab because, surprise surprise, I don’t want to listen to Drill music when I’m trying to drive a train (preferably not at any time!)…

 

[LowLevel]

The rulebook only relates to a DOO train with the PA.

By virtue that the guard is causing the problem this negates the rulebook requirement.

And DOTE is irrelevant for this as well for that company. So the first paragraph of your retort is moot. Its extremely unprofessional to use the pa as your own microphone. The fact that it is tolerated is even worse.

A distraction for the driver is a safety issue. If removing that distraction means that the guard has to patrol the train then so be it.

The alternative is stopping the train in section, informing the signaller and control of the delay and confronting the guard to tell them to focus on their job instead of being a social media stalwart.

Politely - I agree the guard may be a pain in the arse and I believe the appropriate action would be to take it up with them.

I do not agree that the appropriate action is to unilaterally isolate the PA system for that carriage just because the guard is pissing you off. Yes, that may mean reporting the guard and if their behaviour is unacceptable, then go ahead.

If the guard talks a load of nonsense and then drops something important in at the end and your action is responsible for it not being broadcast then two wrongs do not make a right.

My original point stands - it is not appropriate for the train driver to isolate the PA system for an entire carriage because the guard is annoying them.

 

[Eccles1983]

Politely - I agree the guard may be a pain in the arse and I believe the appropriate action would be to take it up with them.

I do not agree that the appropriate action is to unilaterally isolate the PA system for that carriage just because the guard is pissing you off. Yes, that may mean reporting the guard and if their behaviour is unacceptable, then go ahead.

If the guard talks a load of nonsense and then drops something important in at the end and your action is responsible for it not being broadcast then two wrongs do not make a right.

My original point stands - it is not appropriate for the train driver to isolate the PA system for an entire carriage because the guard is annoying them.

Politely -

You say it is not appropriate. That's your opinion and fair enough.

But you are not a driver. And you haven't worked these units. It is ridiculously loud, added to the welsh/English announcements the last thing you want is some pretend stars in your eyes effort.

It is pointless reporting it, as said guard is praised by the company. The easiest and safest option is to hit the switch and get back to controlling the train safely without distraction.

Drivers are taught to eliminate distraction. This is the quickest and most effective way.

Guards should be seen and not heard (at least by the person at the front) and I say this as one of the biggest cheerleaders for them.

Luckily on the new units you can kill the pa carriage by carriage. So 2/3rds of the people will suffer the waffle.

 

[Sprinter107]

I'm all for pasengers getting the information they need, but certain guards go totally overboard with announcements. Many of them just repeat what the auto announcement has just broadcast, and then more, and it is a distraction when their announcements come booming into the cab, very often when you're running on restrictive aspects. Ive felt like knocking the PA off more than once.