Dating apps: good or bad for society?

[Scotrail12]

I had a go at the apps this summer since I've never dated (20 year old) but I just think after a few months of using them that they kinda bring out the worst in people. First of all, it means people aren't going out and actively looking for others and secondly, it feels like we're reducing people to how photogenic they are. When in reality, you might really like the same person if you met them in real life. So after months of swiping left 80% of the time and right about 20% of the time, I figured it's actually quite a toxic way of doing things and have deleted them.

What are your thoughts on dating apps? Have you used them? What do you think of their impact on society?

 

[Galvanize]

I feel they kinda raise people’s expectations a bit too much, and give too great an opportunity to create a false image of somebody before you’ve actually met them.

A friend said to me about them when I first started trying them out
“It’s not how you look, it’s how you sell yourself!”

 

[NorthOxonian]

I had a go at the apps this summer since I've never dated (20 year old) but I just think after a few months of using them that they kinda bring out the worst in people. First of all, it means people aren't going out and actively looking for others and secondly, it feels like we're reducing people to how photogenic they are. When in reality, you might really like the same person if you met them in real life. So after months of swiping left 80% of the time and right about 20% of the time, I figured it's actually quite a toxic way of doing things and have deleted them.

What are your thoughts on dating apps? Have you used them? What do you think of their impact on society?

I completely agree with you. They just feel very soulless to me - and are full of people who are just fake (and that's not me knocking them either, you have to present a very superficial image of yourself on them).

They are certainly a terrible substitute for actually going out and meeting people - particularly if that's through mutual friends who know you both and believe you may work well together. Not least because actual conversations with people are a much better guide to compatibility than a few posed photos!

 

[yorksrob]

I had a stint with them about ten years ago.

It's that look of mutual disappointment when you both see what you actually look like that's the killer

 

[43172]

I had a go at the apps this summer since I've never dated (20 year old) but I just think after a few months of using them that they kinda bring out the worst in people. First of all, it means people aren't going out and actively looking for others and secondly, it feels like we're reducing people to how photogenic they are. When in reality, you might really like the same person if you met them in real life. So after months of swiping left 80% of the time and right about 20% of the time, I figured it's actually quite a toxic way of doing things and have deleted them.

What are your thoughts on dating apps? Have you used them? What do you think of their impact on society?

I've not used them yet (although plan on trying in the near future) so can't speak of personal experience, but have had friends use them and its worked out with a number of friends engaged or married.

I think there is a place for them, i can be a shy person around new people so wouldn't have the confidence to approach someone in person, in case i embarrised myself infront of her and any of her friends (if present). Online at least means that those of us less confident we have the safety of knowing that there is no group or bad reaction to deal with, just a simple yes/no question of do you like the look of this person.

The point about how photogenic someone is is interesting, as someone maybe feel more confident away from the camera than in front of it. I know as i'm normally the one who tries to avoid having a photo taken off unless there is no alternative (or ask if it can be taken).

I'd suggest maybe talking to friends who are in relationships already for advice on what worked and what didn't, it's also worth remebering that not all dating apps are created equally. What may work on one may not apply to another app.

 

[bangor-toad]

Hi,
I used various dating apps about 12 years ago. That's how I met the person who became Mrs Toad. I'd say it all worked out rather positively for us.
We'd have never met without the app as we had no mutual friends and we wouldn't have chanced across each other. The app made it possible for us to meet.

Trying to remember back to then, I think that neither of us had photo's on our profiles. It meant that there wasn't a first impression from a staged photo and we spoke, and knew a bit about each other, before seeing one another. Perhaps that's why it worked for us rather well.

I suspect relying only on a picture or two to start with wouldn't have been so good though...

It's probably worth trying as a way to meet someone but don't get lured only by a picture.
Cheers,
Mr Toad

 

[Cowley]

I had a stint with them about ten years ago.

It's that look of mutual disappointment when you both see what you actually look like that's the killer

That’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Look I’ve met you Rob and you’re pure dynamite.
It was probably a problem with the lighting.

 

[XAM2175]

... it means people aren't going out and actively looking for others ...

I'm curious as to what you mean by this. Are you able to elaborate on how you picture this happening?

 

[Scotrail12]

I'm curious as to what you mean by this. Are you able to elaborate on how you picture this happening?

How did people meet before apps? Usually at social events or something like that, sometimes at uni, work or nightclubs etc. Surely you have to actively try to find people and not just wait for it though?

 

[Sorcerer]

I've never used them myself, but I have heard of several people's experiences with them including a friend of mine. For the most part I would say that there's a small place for them since I have friends who met their partners online on and off them, but in general I would say it depends who you are. Since the first impressions you get of people are pictures, then attractive people will be a lot more successful than unattractive people. Not that it doesn't apply to real life either, but in person you can make a decent enough first impression that you could probably do better as an average person than you could on an app. By their very nature though they will also give people more options and thus make them a bit pickier than they would've otherwise been if they didn't have a dating app. In-person chemistry is also another thing you just can't get through meeting people online either. So generally I would say that for some people they will work but for others not so much. By what ratio I cannot confidently say with my mere anecdotal observations.

 

[XAM2175]

How did people meet before apps? Usually at social events or something like that, sometimes at uni, work or nightclubs etc.

I'm still struggling to see how people using dating apps rather than doing these things is a blow for society.

It might not look the same way at your age, but for a lot of people a bit further down the figurative road they have to a certain extent developed because, for a start, it's not very easy to meet people at uni once the lecture theatre is a few years (or a few hundred miles) behind you. Work, yeah maybe, but it can be hit or miss depending on a whole bunch of different circumstances, and if you do strike out with the entire team you're left waiting for the ranks to turn over a few times before you can try again. And nightclubs I'm particularly unsure about - I have a sensory disorder that makes them hell on earth for me, but I think I understand them well enough to say that being pulled in a club is usually based on judgement of conventional attractiveness to a degree even more than you'd find on an app!

I think there is a place for them, i can be a shy person around new people so wouldn't have the confidence to approach someone in person, in case i embarrised myself infront of her and any of her friends (if present).

This is absolutely a big thing too, and not just related to potential embarrassment around getting it wrong - the assurance of using an app is that you can assume the person you're approaching is to at least some extent receptive of the approach, and that's especially valuable if, for example, you're trying to approach somebody of the same gender.

 

[Cowley]

How did people meet before apps? Usually at social events or something like that, sometimes at uni, work or nightclubs etc. Surely you have to actively try to find people and not just wait for it though?

I grew up in a time before dating apps and you met people through the other people that you knew in your wider circle of friends, or people that you worked with, or as time went on and after things fell apart with my kids mother - other single parents that had been through similar situations as myself.

I read through this thread with Mrs C and we both agreed that we’d hate to have to go through the process of meeting someone now where you almost have to put some kind of ‘Corporate Image’ of yourself online.
I think I’d rather join some interesting groups and see who I met that way (thankfully I don’t have to worry about that though and I am unbelievably grateful for that).

I did read recently somewhere that the stats on people who form long term relationships after meeting online is surprisingly high though. At least a third I think?

I think I’m definitely from an earlier generation where it comes to this stuff!

 

[dakta]

I used to knock them to be fair but after realising many of my professional colleagues used them I ate humble pie and revised my opinion as they clearly can work.

I've tried some and maybe e I'm not very likeable not found them very good (are we allowed to admit this?)

Whilst I don't begrudge any platform making money they tend to work on questionable automated billing systems and I've also questioned the legitimacy of profiles too. I also believe that whimsy they can clearly provide value they can (not unlike social media) be deconstructive to people as well, not only unpopular people but I've also seen profiles clearly fake designed to shame genuine people too.

Maybe there's genuine sites out there but rather than saying dating sites are a bad thing I just think they need to mature so they are more reputable

 

[LSWR Cavalier]

How did people meet before apps? Usually at social events or something like that, sometimes at uni, work or nightclubs etc. Surely you have to actively try to find people and not just wait for it though?

Dateline was founded in 1966, and led to thousands of marriages. Blind Date with Cilla Black on TV ran for many years. Perhaps watching it was good preparation for a real date.

 

[yorksrob]

That’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Look I’ve met you Rob and you’re pure dynamite.
It was probably a problem with the lighting.

Yes, that's my excuse anyway

 

[THC]

I met my now wife through a dating site ten years ago. I'd been having a lot of fun out dating following the break-up of a previous relationship; her very first (and only) date through the site was with me. I tell her even now she should have asked for a refund!

THC

 

[alex397]

A bit of both really. They have their place, and have brought some people happiness. Maybe good for people who do not have a wide social circle.

I’ve been trying online dating for 10 years now on various apps. It has never got past a brief conversation that soon ends. Although perhaps that says a lot more about me than dating apps themselves. I’d much rather get to know someone in person before dating them, although seeing as a I have a very small social circle, and my hobbies usually involve activities mainly popular with other males this won’t be happening any time soon (sometimes I wish I was interested in other men, as I’d have a lot more chances to meet someone!)

 

[Scotrail12]

(sometimes I wish I was interested in other men, as I’d have a lot more chances to meet someone!)

The dating pool is much smaller for the gay community. You can't just approach any guy hence why I turned to the apps.

 

[Lucan]

They are certainly a terrible substitute for actually going out and meeting people - particularly if that's through mutual friends who know you both and believe you may work well together.

I never met any girl by "going out". Perhaps you could explain how that works. Nor was I ever introduced to one by a mutual friend. I have been in hobby and sports clubs, but the girls were either non-existent, another member's partner or outnumbered like 5 or 10:1 by the men, most of whom had more charm than me (even especially if already married). I tried approaching girls at night clubs but was told to get lost - and I'm not even bad looking, just not flashy or fashionable enough for the sort of girls in night clubs I suppose. What else? - walk up in the street?

I did a calculation once, extrapolating from my experience with dating services, that showed that I would have needed to approach about five hundred girls of my own age to have had a 50% chance of finding a steady GF, if the approach was made at random *.

maybe talking to friends who are in relationships already for advice on what worked and what didn't

Their stories of how they met is always the same: "Oh, it was unusual circumstances ....". Seems I never been in any unusual circumstances.

How did people meet before apps? Usually at social events or something like that, sometimes at uni, work or nightclubs etc.

I didn't. I went from about 13 to 24 without having even a conversation with a girl of my own age. After that I joined dating services and never met ones any other way. I met Mrs L that way. Forget uni or work, I'm an engineer so hardly any girls there.

I grew up in a time before dating apps and you met people through the other people that you knew in your wider circle of friends, or people that you worked with

Might have worked for you, but not for me (or many others). Everyone else I knew when single was also male and single, and had the same problem - not enough girls around. If they had been lucky enough to come across one, they were hardly likely to introduce her to me. As for relatives, they seemed to assume that because I had no GF I could not be interested, in fact one said as much (I should have given him what-for).

When I did meet girls (by then in our late 20s) I realised that one of the demographic problems with finding partners, despite the two sexes being in equal numbers, was that large numbers of girls are single mothers (including some I met) which makes it difficult for them to date anyone unless they can afford baby-sitters, which most can't. The corresponding "single" fathers on the other hand are are as fancy-free as ever, or at least they are free to pose as such - not only that, they are the most charming guys too.

* For example, about 75% would not even be looking for a boyfriend. At least with a dating service there will be a better chance than that, even if not 100%.

 

[102 fan]

My only experience was 15 years ago. One memorable one was a woman said she was looking for a man between 30 & 40. I said I was 37. She said that's too old. You can't work with logic like that.

 

[Lost property]

I think they are reflective of how society is constantly changing. Gone are the days when the expectation would be for a couple to be introduced to each other by friends and / or family or meet at work for that matter.

Social circles do, let face it, tend to be limited for multiple reasons.

The benefit of the apps are that you can potentially meet people from entirely different backgrounds and away from your own locality whom you would otherwise not have met. I met my late lady through an app.

Plus, lets be even more honest, apps allow others who may prefer alternative lifestyles to meet kindred spirits as it were.

 

[kristiang85]

I met my wife through a dating app; so I'd say they are good. Although if you'd asked me before I met her, most of my experiences were fairly miserable as I found, espeically in London, that people always thought 'there's surely someone better than this guy...'.

But given she lived quite far from me (outside of London), we likely would never have met without it, and she's the best thing in my life, so I can only say it was worth it in the end. Actually, thinking about it, most people I know in London on dating apps ended up with people living outside of the city.

 

[Broucek]

My only experience was 15 years ago. One memorable one was a woman said she was looking for a man between 30 & 40. I said I was 37. She said that's too old. You can't work with logic like that.

I've got a mid-50s male friend. He set his dating parameters for women aged 35-55(!) and then seemed surprised at how many had kids. It's statistics, mate...

 

[Huntergreed]

On the topic of single mothers with kids, I must admit my surprise at number of those in the 20-30 (mainly 25-30) age bracket that fall into this category!

On the topic of seeking relationships, I think there’s a number of changes which have occurred in the past couple of decades which have done several things, including changing the process and expectations of those in the process, and “raising the standard” that people both perceive is needed by themselves in order to appear an attractive partner and that people look for in others.

There are a few things I think can be blamed for this. One is the media (social, mainstream and advertising) ensuring constant, easy exposure to superficially attractive people, meaning that many people strive to reach that unattainable standard of attraction for themselves and seek that from others.

Social media (including dating apps) have definitely had a major impact on this aspect of life. For one, the level of “connectivity” available to practically anyone in the world is unprecedented compared to say 20-30 years ago. As a such, social circles have “widened” and the “dating pool” has increased by several orders of magnitude (dating apps acting as a major catalyst in the normalising this). The result is people often go looking with extremely specific requirements, rejecting anyone who doesn’t meet this without even establishing communication. The result is significantly increase difficulty in finding success, despite a wider selection pool.

I would say one of the most major changes is that we have changed the way (as a society) we approach relationships. In the past, people would often meet someone in real life, initially platonically, and through discussion and time together develop a deeper connection (sometimes romantic, sometimes platonic). Dating apps, Higher expectations and a generally faster, more expectant culture have changed this so that many people will expect “instant” attraction to a potential partner (and there are many dating TV shows and games based on this premise, along with dating apps) and reject purely on the basis they didn’t sense this instant attraction.

Overall, I’d say dating apps are superficial (for the most part, there are obviously decent people on them and many do have success, but they do make the process superficial), but this is just one small part of a wider societal change in the approach we have towards establishing relationships.

 

[DelayRepay]

Being currently single, I've thought about giving dating apps a try. But to me it feels a bit too much like browsing clothing websites when I want some new jeans!

All of my previous partners have been people I met in real life, either through university, mutual friends, shared interests etc. The most relevant to this forum is a brief relationship with someone I originally spoke to during one of First Capital Connect's regular meltdowns! So no need for a dating app, just get on an Avanti train and strike up a conversation

 

[Huntergreed]

So no need for a dating app, just get on an Avanti train and strike up a conversation

That’s the most difficult part these days!

 

[DelayRepay]

That’s the most difficult part these days!

Might meet someone on the concourse at Euston. Anger with Avanti would be a good mutual interest

 

[RichJF]

Dating apps reflect the trend in society of short, instant, validation. The concept of "love" is gone & majority of users of dating apps are probably seeking a relationship of a few months to get their kicks and validation then move on to a new person after the first sign of boredom & stagnation rather than put effort into keeping a potential long term relationship going. Apps like Hinge & Bumble make the point of focussing on relationships, but the truth is, most dating apps are designed for hook ups or short term relationships. A user has to know each & every foible about another person before deciding to date them, rather than find quirks and learn to accept each other.

For introverted, shy people it can be very detrimental to mental health. Despite being attractive mentally and physically if you aren't getting matches or likes then it can have the effect of making you feel worthless and unlovable. This is very damaging to a larger population when multiplied to a national level.

My experiences have been that 75% of the women I've conversed with or dated (via apps) don't actually know what they want & are just on their to brag to friends/connections that they have a large amount of "swipes" or "dates" without anything constructive actually coming out. Now I'm 31 & looking for a proper relationship (with all its peaks & troughs) I've accepted I'm out of touch with much of the intended user base and have deleted every dating app I was using. I won't lie when I say my mental health and happiness level has improved when I'm not worrying about if someone has matched or liked me on app when it's very unlikely a date will result.

 

[alex397]

The dating pool is much smaller for the gay community. You can't just approach any guy hence why I turned to the apps.

Totally understand that. I should have added more context to that comment. Most of the friends I have are gay men, and I have a lot in common with them. So, if I was interested in other men, I’d have a few people I could ask out. Whereas I’m interested in women, but the few women I know are either gay or already coupled, or with absolutely nothing in common.

 

[THC]

For introverted, shy people it can be very detrimental to mental health. Despite being attractive mentally and physically if you aren't getting matches or likes then it can have the effect of making you feel worthless and unlovable.

I agree - to be successful (i.e. to escape with dignity and health intact!) on these sites/apps requires a certain mental fortitude. Finding a successful match online is a numbers game and consequently comes with plenty of rejection on the way, whether explicit or implied. And this is how it was pre-Tinder; I dread to think how disposable one might feel after spending any length of time on there.

THC