Controversial railway opinions (without a firm foundation in logic..)

[PacerTrain142]

I used to like travelling on Network SouthEast with a little compartment to myself

Was that on the thumper?

 

[yorksrob]

Was that on the thumper?

Sometimes, but usually on a VEP.

 

[owidoe]

If we're going to expect conductors to face belligerent drunks of a Friday evening alone, they should be issued with batons and tasers. These would pay for themselves because more people would buy tickets in the hope of seeing some lout who leered at a woman ejected from the train with a bash on the head and a zap in the back.

 

[Thirteen]

If we're going to expect conductors to face belligerent drunks of a Friday evening alone, they should be issued with batons and tasers. These would pay for themselves because more people would buy tickets in the hope of seeing some lout who leered at a woman ejected from the train with a bash on the head and a zap in the back.

Tasers would be useful in every setting. Drunk patron at the theatre or a concert can be zapped away!!

 

[Shaw S Hunter]

Sometimes, but usually on a VEP.

Given your connections with Kent I'm surprised you didn't mention the single second class compartment in a refurbished CEP. Brand new !C70s uncluttered by a table but with the privacy of a compartment: seemed like a definite luxury to me at the time.

 

[yorksrob]

Given your connections with Kent I'm surprised you didn't mention the single second class compartment in a refurbished CEP. Brand new !C70s uncluttered by a table but with the privacy of a compartment: seemed like a definite luxury to me at the time.

I did use those compartments, however I never liked the refurb decor that much. Too much formica.

 

[Krokodil]

My own controversial opinion, that always gets slammed, is that there should be a compartment option on long distance trains in both First Class (eg for business meetings or privacy) and in Standard (for families). Perhaps half a carriage of each, pre-bookable by groups only.

Why does it get slammed? It's a good idea. They're provided on some ICEs. Unfortunately the dead hand of the Treasury in the UK means that "pack 'em in amd stack' em high" has become our approach to passenger accommodation.

All stations should have a buffet, staffed 7-9.30 and 16.30-18.30

What about lunchtime?

 

[xotGD]

I used to like travelling on Network SouthEast with a little compartment to myself

Didn't the fact that nobody wanted to join you in the compartment tell you something?

 

[yorksrob]

Didn't the fact that nobody wanted to join you in the compartment tell you something?

I engineered that outcome with a special diet of baked beans, curry and brussels sprouts.

 

[Calthrop]

Didn't the fact that nobody wanted to join you in the compartment tell you something?

I engineered that outcome with a special diet of baked beans, curry and brussels sprouts.

Brought to mind, is the late John Snell's description of a journey by him as a teenager, across France to Switzerland; in 1947, with a considerable degree of post-war chaos lingering in France. He tells of his crowded train between Paris (Gare de Lyon) and Lausanne; whereon at the outset of the journey "one crafty Frenchman... had ensured his private occupation of an entire second-class compartment by munching his way through a pile of raw onions on the seat next to him, smiling sharkily and breathing heavily at any entrant".

 

[yorksrob]

Brought to mind, is the late John Snell's description of a journey by him as a teenager, across France to Switzerland; in 1947, with a considerable degree of post-war chaos lingering in France. He tells of his crowded train between Paris (Gare de Lyon) and Lausanne; whereon at the outset of the journey "one crafty Frenchman... had ensured his private occupation of an entire second-class compartment by munching his way through a pile of raw onions on the seat next to him, smiling sharkily and breathing heavily at any entrant".

That sounds like quite a journey !

 

[Calthrop]

That sounds like quite a journey !

And how ! Snell's (copiously illustrated) book Mixed Gauges, publ. 2007 -- a lifetime's recollections of rail experiences -- contains many such mouth-watering reminiscences. His 1947 journey, Calais to Switzerland, included a run around the Paris Ceinture line behind an ex-US Army diesel loco: all otherwise steam -- he recounts how in the latter stages, "our double-headed 2-8-2s broke down in the dawn as we climbed through the Jura hills, and we reached Lausanne hours late." One feels with the poet, "Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive / But to be young was very heaven..." -- "getting real", it can't have been so much fun overall, to live in France full-time under such conditions.

 

[yorksrob]

And how ! Snell's (copiously illustrated) book Mixed Gauges, publ. 2007 -- a lifetime's recollections of rail experiences -- contains many such mouth-watering reminiscences. His 1947 journey, Calais to Switzerland, included a run around the Paris Ceinture line behind an ex-US Army diesel loco: all otherwise steam -- he recounts how in the latter stages, "our double-headed 2-8-2s broke down in the dawn as we climbed through the Jura hills, and we reached Lausanne hours late." One feels with the poet, "Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive / But to be young was very heaven..." -- "getting real", it can't have been so much fun overall, to live in France full-time under such conditions.

Indeed. I remember reading that there was a particularly harsh winter across Europe at around that time !

Does rather put my troubled journeys on Virgin Cross Country in the early noughties into perspective though !

 

[Purple Train]

What about lunchtime?

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

 

[camflyer]

If we're going to expect conductors to face belligerent drunks of a Friday evening alone, they should be issued with batons and tasers. These would pay for themselves because more people would buy tickets in the hope of seeing some lout who leered at a woman ejected from the train with a bash on the head and a zap in the back.

I've seen staff on trains in Spain with batons.

 

[317 forever]

The nice thing about train services being reduced is that it leads to simpler timetables and a more modern remaining fleet.

 

[Bletchleyite]

The nice thing about train services being reduced is that it leads to simpler timetables and a more modern remaining fleet.

I wouldn't consider that controversial. The current WCML local timetable is an absolute work of art - even the Marston Vale (if it was running) is a proper Takt - train arrives; full cycle of mainline arrivals and departures in both directions, both fast and slow; train departs. The previous, slightly more frequent one was quite messy, particularly in the peaks.

A national timetable based on half hourly intervals with properly planned connections and proper long trains (think 8-car on TPE, say) and a bit of spare capacity for resilience would be a wonderful thing. Ask those dastardly Swiss.

 

[PacerTrain142]

Tasers would be useful in every setting. Drunk patron at the theatre or a concert can be zapped away!!

No it wouldn’t. We are a liberal country not China or Soviet Russia. The tasers are extremely painful and have actually killed people in the past. In my opinion they should only be used when absolutely necessary.

 

[xotGD]

The middle seats of a 3 are so popular that 3+3 seating should be the norm on all commuter trains.

 

[Turtle]

The middle seats of a 3 are so popular that 3+3 seating should be the norm on all commuter trains.

Only if the loading gauge was doubled and each seat was a self-contained armchair!! Plus extra leg room.

 

[Tester]

The middle seats of a 3 are so popular that 3+3 seating should be the norm on all commuter trains.

Something like this? (photo shows 3+3 seating)

 

[gc4946]

Every rail-served county town in England should be served by at least one non-stop train each way to/from London on weekdays branded "County Flyers"

 

[DynamicSpirit]

Something like this? (photo shows 3+3 seating)

Wow! That's some train. From the writing, I'm guessing, somewhere in Japan?

 

[Purple Train]

No it wouldn’t. We are a liberal country not China or Soviet Russia. The tasers are extremely painful and have actually killed people in the past. In my opinion they should only be used when absolutely necessary.

I think the original post was firmly tongue-in-cheek...

My next set of "cunning planses"* are these:

1) Make all seats on new-build trains leather armchairs arranged around tables in 2+1 formation (first class), and the seats in the 185s (second class).
2) Reintroduce third class, which can make do with the Fainsa Sophia.
3) All on-train catering trolleys should have a hose, which can be deployed to squirt milk/water/orange juice/ketchup (delete as appropriate) over any passengers creating a nuisance, without causing too much collateral damage.
4) Station announcement jingles should be the circus horn, unless rule 6 applies. Long-distance announcement jingles should be the Southeastern High-Speed chime. Short-distance announcement jingles should be the first four bars of the chorus of "All I Ask Of You", with two exceptions to the rule - approaching termini, where the jingle should be the opening organ riff of "The Phantom of the Opera", and approaching any station in Blackpool (including the termini) where there should be no jingle, and the announcement delivered by Marvin the Paranoid Android.
5) The Marvin announcements should also have a disclaimer on the end saying, "Why not go to Hull instead? Then you're in God's Own County! Even the seagulls aren't quite as evil."
6) Every station buffet (see above) should have a crib set up during Advent, with the Three Wise Men approaching from the down platform. During this period, the station announcement jingle should be "Calypso Carol".
7) There is no place for Sky News at places like Kings Cross. The screens should show timetable information. (This is perhaps the only one I would dare to implement when I become President of the Universe.)

*I'm sorry, I couldn't make my mind up as to whether I wanted to be Baldrick or Gollum

Every rail-served county town in England should be served by at least one non-stop train each way to/from London on weekdays branded "County Flyers"

Ooh, I like that.

 

[Tester]

Wow! That's some train. From the writing, I'm guessing, somewhere in Japan?

Yes a double deck shinkansen - now withdrawn.

Was unusual (3+2 is the norm).

 

[DynamicSpirit]

*I'm sorry, I couldn't make my mind up as to whether I wanted to be Baldrick or Gollum

Just combine the two. Then you can be Balham.

 

[brad465]

Every rail-served county town in England should be served by at least one non-stop train each way to/from London on weekdays branded "County Flyers"

The Truro flyer would be interesting, as would the Morpeth flyer (maybe if Lumo are ordered to ditch Stevenage and Newcastle calls this could happen).

 

[Doctor Fegg]

6) Every station buffet (see above) should have a crib set up during Advent, with the Three Wise Men approaching from the down platform. During this period, the station announcement jingle should be "Calypso Carol".

Nonono. Opening bar of Adeste Fideles. So that when the train is late (as if) the assembled commuters can sing "Why are we waiting...".

 

[Falcon1200]

The middle seats of a 3 are so popular that 3+3 seating should be the norm on all commuter trains.

Agree, plus passengers should be measured and weighed before boarding to ensure they do not exceed the (internal) loading gauge or are liable to slow the train down.

 

[xotGD]

Passengers should be obliged to wear a large rubber band around their knees when seated in order to avoid manspreading.

This is especially important in the proposed 3+3 seating.