Funny Guard Announcements.

[2Dogbox]

Just sat on the 14:33 Lincoln-Leicester, and the guard in his announcement of the station calls did so in the manner of a catholic priest singing a psalm at sunday mass. really got a laugh out of the passengers. He's also now coming down the train checing tickets singing his heart out, good to know the guy enjoys his work.
Had one guard the other week also who when announcing that the next station call would be Lowdham, said "the next stattion stop will be loooooowwwwwwddddham" in a way that made him sound worried the train wouldnt stop.

taaaaa, God bless, amen!

Or "we're here . . . . . Lowdham that is, taaaaaaaaaaaaa"

Know him well.

 

[scotsman]

Virgin TM: "Evening Ladies and Gents, this is the 1817 to Glasgow Central, where we'll be arriving in just over and hour. Sit back, relax and enjoy the ride" That was it

NX East Coast Guards (on a snowy day): "I'd like to apologise for the delay to your journey, hopefully it won't get any worse...but wi' this weather - who knows?!"

"Next stop is [posh accent] Sterrrling..."

And this absolute gem from a Virgin CSA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DA39mGnh3g

 

[johnnychips]

Other Saturday on Northern Hull-Sheff train.

'Meadowhall is where we're stopping
Now get off and do your shopping'

had all the train in stitches.

 

[150222]

I've had several, Mostly from XC.
*One XC TM on a Manchester to Bournemouth announced every station with suprise. "The next station will be LEAMINGTON SPARR!"
*Another from XC informed me that Oxford's cyclists were like wilderbeast! (?)
*Yet another one from XC announced "The next station is Wolverhampton. I sympathise with anyone alighting here." (Something like that).
*One from TPE at Manchester Picc informed us around 15 times (in 2 minutes) that the train was for Edinburgh. Only for the one taking over at Oxford Rd to do the same thing.
*Many moons ago on Northern (The previous train was cancelled) the guard announced "We will shortly be arriving at Manchester Victoria. On behalf of Northern I apologise for the inconvinience caused to your shopping at Primark".
Also worth a mention is an unfunny First West Yorkshire bus driver who always shouts upon leaving Hebden Bridge "We'll shortly be crossing the border into Lancashire. Have your passports at the ready!" (Todmorden isn't even in Lancashire anymore)

 

[dvboy]

Last week a VT TM very strongly informed us in detail what would happen to anything we left on the train including most importantly that she'd miss her dinner.

Also... "Please ensure you have all your children and personal belongings with you."

"Birmingham International, change here for Tenerife, Majorca and Crete... if you're unfortunate enough not to be going on your holidays there's also the NEC."

"...and all unpronounceable stations to Pwllheli" has been heard on the tannoy at Wolverhampton.

 

[MK Tom]

"Hello John, we're now arriving at Northampton where this service will terminate" is the most bizarre I've ever had.

I always used to cringe when you'd be sat at Northampton and you'd get ''This service is for London Euston. We will be calling at... Alsager, Kidsgrove, Stoke-on-Trent, Stone...''

I also got ''Hello, this is the tannoy speaking'' on a VT service home from Birmingham once.

 

[pmgarvey]

Not heard him personally, but there's a sizeable Facebook fan club for one of the guards who works Merseyrail between Southport and Liverpool.

My favourite one I've heard on a train full of loud football fans
"Free beer tomorrow, now that I've got your attention . . ."

 

[newtownmgr]

Barry at New St! What a class act. A few years ago before Worcester lost it's Nottingham work I was working a late evening train back to B'ham/Worcester and miss read the job card and stopped additionally at both Beeston & Attenborough as per my 1st trip of the day. At both stations Barry announced the stop & did the doors. On arrival at Derby I noticed my mistake & mentioned it to Barry enquiring as to why he had done the doors etc. Is reply still makes my laugh....."seeing as I had made the effort to stop he thought it impolite not to".

 

[Sheepy1209]

On London Underground many years, after five minutes in a tunnel without moving:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your driver. I would love to tell you why we're delayed but I'm in the dark"

 

[shedman]

I used to like slipping random words into announcements. I once did the announcement from coach A of a HST with the sliding door to the TGS open and said the usual 'the quite coach blar blar.... Please refrain from making any unnecessary noise in here... Yeah that's includes you' to a woman talking. She and the rest of the coach laughed. One Saturday morning I was on a Leeds-St Pancras service and leaving Leicester I was doing tickets and a lady stopped me and said it was her husbands 40th birthday so I upgraded the family to first for a free breakfast and leaving Bedford did the next stop Pancras bit then got the whole crew to sing happy birthday down the PA. The passengers loved it all commenting how nice it was but the NX directors on board dragged us all in the kitchen for a stearn briefing on how unproffessional it made the company look. My favourite (although some may not find it ammusing) has to be my last ever announcement. We were on an evening St Pancras to Leeds and I did the usual long winded announcement ending it with 'so if you have any questions or queries please contact someone who gives a f***, once again this is the......' a few passengers commented on how they were happily Reading their evening standards when their ears pricked up, yet not one person complained!

 

[Welshman]

What? No Myrrh?

It gets harder to find decent Myrrh each year.

Apparently you can still get it on the trains from Mirfield. [sorry].

An announcement which made me smile recently was on a XC service going north from Sheffield. Upon departure, the TM announced the next stop would be Leeds, and when he walked through checking tickets someone asked him if we weren't stopping at Wakefield Westgate. He immediately went back to the telephone and apologised for his mistake, assuring us all that we were actually stopping at Wakefield Westgate, then Leeds.

On the viaduct approaching that city, his colleague came on announcing:-

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are now approaching Wakefield, which isn't as insignificant as my colleague would have you believe"

Well done to them both - the first for immediately apologising for his mistake and the second for making me chuckle.

 

[Badger]

Used to get so many enthusiastic announcements on the pendelinos through Wolverhampton, but it's bloody automated and soulless now.

 

[ValleyLines142]

I had a very jolly bloke on the trolley service on a 175 from Cardiff-Manchester, saying things like 'we do sell ice-cream on board normally but it's too cold this winter!' and generally having a laugh. Certainly had the passengers giggling. Shame not all staff can be like that!

 

[seiryuu]

I'm not sure if he's still about, but around 2008 on the London underground i had a district line driver who gave us the history of every station we passed through and usually a fun fact to go with it!

I think for my entire journey from Richmond to embankment he never left the tannoy.

 

[trentside]

taaaaa, God bless, amen!

Or "we're here . . . . . Lowdham that is, taaaaaaaaaaaaa"

Know him well.

Makes me smile everytime

Other than those, I've not heard anything recently. I've mentioned a Northern guard before, who used to announce station arrivals as; "If you want Retford, we're 'ere".

 

[Crossover]

It sounds like I have missed out on hearing some of the better ones, I seem to get the ones who are matter of fact :P

I think the best I recall would be when heading from Piccadilly to Stafford with XC - the guard had something to say about every station - I seem to recall Stafford being something about the local football team (The next stop is Stafford, home of the Stafford Rangers)

A bit long winded this but bear with me...

Basically when I did my Cardiff bash a couple of weeks back I was on the 10:37 Voyager from TVP, and was casually reading the Metro paper on the approach to Taunton, and they have a small feature called "Good Deed Feed", and on this day, there was a piece that went thus: "Many thanks to the Train Manager who wishes us the 'wheels of friendship' to travel with us through through 'titillating Tiverton' (yeah right BTW ), 'tantalising Taunton' and 'Brunel's bustling Bristol Temple Meads'"..

And guess who came over the PA system on the Taunton approach, yes that's right, that very train manager!

I knew I had heard similar before - from IanXC

Search for:

The next stop was of course “the exciting station we all know as Exeter St Davids”, where John had to exit, stage left, but not before thanking us for travelling with CrossCountry, “where the wheels of friendship keep on turning”.

Will have to watch the Youtube video in a while

*Yet another one from XC announced "The next station is Wolverhampton. I sympathise with anyone alighting here." (Something like that).

I think I would sympathise too :P

*One from TPE at Manchester Picc informed us around 15 times (in 2 minutes) that the train was for Edinburgh. Only for the one taking over at Oxford Rd to do the same thing.

You can be guaranteed though that on leaving someone will then ask if the train is for London, or Scarborough or somewhere that it ISN'T going :P

"Birmingham International, change here for Tenerife, Majorca and Crete... if you're unfortunate enough not to be going on your holidays there's also the NEC."

"...and all unpronounceable stations to Pwllheli" has been heard on the tannoy at Wolverhampton.

On the former, classic
I think if I were doing Wolverhampton announcements, I'd have to say similar! Think I could manage the Aberystwyth portion :P

Used to get so many enthusiastic announcements on the pendelinos through Wolverhampton, but it's bloody automated and soulless now.

Don't get me started on those automated announcements...so slow, dull and depressing...and only sound half complete, too!

 

[boing_uk]

I'm not sure if he's still about, but around 2008 on the London underground i had a district line driver who gave us the history of every station we passed through and usually a fun fact to go with it!

A few years back there was a Northern guard who used to do the same thing. Unfortunately sometimes the tannoy in some of the old Alphaline(?) 158's was a bit crap and it was difficult to hear, but otherwise I quite liked them.

There was an announcer at Rugby back in the days when I lived further south, who used to describe trains as stopping at "Number x Platform, calling at (among other places) Wullllllllllll Verumptun".

I mentioned in another thread somewhere about the train on the Friday before Christmas Eve travelling to "Clitheroh ho ho ho!".

Off topic slightly but I got told off by my management for dicking around while working on a set of signals validating some system settings with a colleague. Doing the YMCA with my colleague on the other side of the road, Ministry of Funny Walks to get around/across the junction and of course counting down drivers at the stop line "3,2,1, GO GO GO GO!!!". You could see people smiling, but management thought it unprofessional. :roll:

 

[brillopad]

Shame not all staff can be like that!

The answer to that has already been given - those that have risen to their level of incompetence (Managers) see it as unprofessional.

 

[scotsman]

The infamous Virgin/Northern guy who did THIS. IS. WIGAN!

 

[150222]

I am sure I have heard a district line train driver announcing the woof thing.



There seems to be many from XC on here. Unfortunately the tannoy on voyagers often cuts out.

 

[ValleyLines142]

The answer to that has already been given - those that have risen to their level of incompetence (Managers) see it as unprofessional.

As long as they're doing their job (which I'm sure is their intention) then surely a bit of humour won't go down a miss will it?

 

[Minilad]

On a East Coast HST approaching Doncaster on a horrible day weather wise.

"Ladies and Gentleman we are now approaching Doncaster and if you are wondering why there is a big dark cloud above it its because my Mother in Law lives here

 

[syorksdeano]

On a East Coast HST approaching Doncaster on a horrible day weather wise.

"Ladies and Gentleman we are now approaching Doncaster and if you are wondering why there is a big dark cloud above it its because my Mother in Law lives here

haha I remember hearing that one

 

[dvboy]

Used to get so many enthusiastic announcements on the pendelinos through Wolverhampton, but it's bloody automated and soulless now.

How many different voices can you get into one automated announcement?
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

I think if I were doing Wolverhampton announcements, I'd have to say similar! Think I could manage the Aberystwyth portion :P

Usually it's just "all stations to Pwllheli" though I have heard them attempt it. I think you need to be at least able to pronounce Machynlleth to get the job. At Birmingham New Street the female automated announcement always says Machynlleth with an upwardly questioning inflection as if she's not sure she's said it right at the time, or is Australian.

 

[Meridian richard]

Long Time ago now, the announcer at Leicester used to give thought of the day, like "why doesn't glue stick in the bottle"
Had me thinking all day....

 

[scotsman]

Not a Guard's announcement, and I know I've said this a few million times before, but I once announced an apology for England failing to be beaten by the USA in the World Cup

 

[Robinson]

Virgin XC used to have some great characters on the PA when I travelled regularly between Manchester and Glasgow...

A while back, on the 2235 SWT Waterloo-Poole service, our guard came through announcing "Evening; can I please see all your bits of forest?" Made me chuckle.

 

[burns20]

Theres an ATW Trolley guy that announces things like hes selling frm the trolley of the hogwarts express, rats tails, jellied bats etc.

Last winter the TPE Guard frm Edinburgh to Preston apologiser for the 2 hour plus delay and to the woman at the front heres the x factor results.

 

[deltic1989]

and to the woman at the front heres the x factor results.

This has just reminded me that I once had an EMT Guard on the way to doncaster that read out the football results (premier, championship, league 1, league 2, and the Scottish ones too) the same way that the fella you hear on BBC Sport. Took great pleasure in telling us that his home town of Boston had taken Lincoln City to the cleaners. but brightened up my day.
And the couple of times I caught the train up to Gainsbro' Lea Road to go to the model railway society (as opposed to driving), the guard said "your brave", his announcement on approaching Gainsbro'ran something like "gainsborugh Lea Road will be your next station call, for those of you wishing to alight here please take your shotguns with you. And for those of you that don't have a shotgun one will be provided". was worth a chuckle but to be fair in the grand scheme of things gainsbourgh is tame compared to other places. (never did get my free shotgun though)

 

[Michael.Y]

Theres an ATW Trolley guy that announces things like hes selling frm the trolley of the hogwarts express, rats tails, jellied bats etc.

Not me.. but I may have to try that! Maybe during half term when the kids are off. Although Harry Potter is a bit passe now.. what are the kids into nowadays? Y'know, besides egging the train and leaving their crisps all over the floor.....