OK, so here's the deal:
-I post reports when I want to
-You don't expect me to post them
Because, the other day, my dad had to go to Rochester to get a book from a second-hand bookshop there, and so I came with him to have a look around the new station.
backontrack's railway musings: 2 Fast 2 Rochester
(Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Moving Stations)
The new Rochester station is great. It's a big improvement on the old station, which was cramped into a dark and dingy area of Medway - you know, like most of Medway. Reaching anywhere nice, or even the town centre, required a trek along and across the A2. Suffice to say, it wasn't the most user friendly of stations.
But our journey west through Los Teynhames and San FranNewington brought us slowly and surely towards that station. It made me wonder two things:
1) Why a train from Dover Priory (actually Shepherdswell) to London Victoria was stopping at backwaters like Selling, Newington and Teynham,
and
2) Why these places still had stations.
I mean, much larger places like Kegworth, Bawtry, Elland and Rossington have all lost
their stations. And yet, here we are. As we neared Sittingbourne (the most romantic town in the world - don't let anyone tell you otherwise), I wondered why we still have the line to Sheerness - Hayling, Canvey and Sodor Islands all lost their lines, so why did the mystical Isle of Sheppey retain its? I guess that we must be thankful, for otherwise we would have lost our only links to the bustling metropolis of Swale.
Of course, I'm being facetious as the railway serves the towns of Sheerness and Queenborough. But it's still mildly surprising that it exists - as well as this, there's the light railway at Sheerness, so it's not as if Kemsley would have lost
all its stations. But still, we continued to Rainhameapolis and - urgh - Gillingham. I don't even want to give it a nickname, though it reminds me of Detroit.*
Chatham called, and we stopped there. I'm pretty sure that the train's patronage doubled - but then, most passengers would get they HighSpeed train at this time of day. Then we passed the remains of Rochester's old station, and arrived at its new one. Not only is it fairly snazzy - the city (IT'S A CITY, IT HAS A CATHEDRAL SO THEREFORE IT'S A CITY) actually looks nice from here. We could see the cathedral, and the castle, and the bits of it that were Dickensian in character but not hygienically. And Rochester actually looks quite nice now. It was always one of the nicer bits of Medway, and now it looks like somewhere that you - y'know - might actually want to go to. You leave the shiny new station, cross the road, enter a small garden-like area by a map and a sign, and walk through the tourist info. You come out onto the High Street, and immediately - in fact, from the station - you can see the cathedral and castle. We wandered down the street and popped quickly into City Books to have a look round. Then we went to Baggins Books Bazaar - the largest second-hand bookshop in the UK. And it was brilliant, an Aladdin's cave of literature. It was absolutely massive!
I found a Bradshaw's timetable guide from June 1922, and bought that as well as a book called 'Along Lost Lines' by Paul Atterbury. I wasn't there for railway books, but it was a nice surprise to find these books. After a while, we finished looking round the shop, and as we went to buy our books, I noticed some old Thomas the Tank Engine books lying on the counter. They reminded me of the new range of spoof Ladybird Books that have been released, so I suggested that someone could do a modern, up-to-date spoof of Thomas the Tank Engine (""Rochester's moved!" said Thomas"). Sure enough, when I got home, I wrote this - partly based on our experiences with one particular TOC, and partly just about modern pop culture.
*******
Thomas The Tank Engine and the West Coast Main Line
by Rev. WD-40
“Wakey, wakey!” said the Controller as Thomas groaned out of the shed. “Mornin’”, the blue engine replied. Thomas was hungry, so the Controller, who was not to be fat-shamed and labellled by his weight, asked him what what he’d like to eat. Thomas replied, “something foreign”, so Thomas’ fireman started shovelling german coal into his firebox, saying, “that’s good, as we didn’t have anything else”.
“Today,” said the controller, “you’ve got a very important job. James the Red Engine hasn’t worked very well since we re-branded him as a Virgin train, so you’re covering for him on the Sodor West Coast Main Line. Do you think you’ll be able to handle it?”
“I’ll be fine”, Thomas chuffed, though he had been told that smoking was bad for him. “But Percy says that the West Coast Main Line is all swervy!”
“Well, you’ll have to manage it, as we’re in the middle of a rolling stock shortage caused by the limitations that servicing 35 year-old trains produces. We don’t have enough trains to run you on your normal line - it’s either this, or we hire in some grizzled 37s. They’re not very reliable…you’re much better. And we already have old diesels running on the line from Tidmouth to Suddery.”
So Thomas chuffed away towards the main terminus station, where he took a #TrainFace selfie and posted it to his many followers on Instagram. He was hoping that Harry Styles would re-tweet it. Thomas looked around the station. “Wow, it’s lovely here,” he said. “It’s the concrete ceiling…it makes it look so bright and open. Whoever designed this was a genius!”
Soon, Thomas heard lots and lots of people get up after an announcement. Some of them were running, and some swearing. Most of the passengers customers were here to ride on Thomas’ train, so they were all rushing to get to their seats in good time. However, there was trouble on the Island of Sodor. Because Thomas has been swapped onto his new route at short notice, the reservations had been cancelled. All the people on cheap advances got the best seats, so the commuters were not very happy. They wanted First Class to be declassified, but the controller decided to reclassify one of the Standard carriages into First Class and fine all the passengers for being in First Class. Because of the delay, the Virgin express got stuck behind the slow train for Thumble-on-Avon and Buskington Norwick, and the train started to become very late indeed.
“Don’t worry,” said the Controller, “we’ll just give them all £45. And, if they contact us wanting a proper ‘refund’, we’ll just ignore them. The system works. It really works.”
Once the Buskington Norwick slow train went onto the Thumble branch line, Thomas’ train was able to speed up to become faster than 10mph. Everything was going smoothly until Thomas was heading towards the big station on the line at Crewington. There, suddenly, Thomas saw…
“…a leaf on the line!” Thomas didn’t know what to do. He was running out of time. He decided not to brake…and to speed straight over the leaf. This was very dangerous - Edward had said so. If something went wrong, then the entire line would be shut for a long time indeed - and Mr. Osborne would stop sneaking into First Class and drive to London instead. “Mind you, if I didn’t go over the leaf, we’d be stuck here anyway,” Thomas thought, and suddenly accelerated over the leaf. All was silent, save for the Quiet Carriage. “Did we make it?” said Thomas.
“Yes,” said the fireman, “we did! The leaf can’t harm us now!”
The train continued as normal to Crewington, where it terminated - a replacement bus would take the passengers the whole way to Scotland. Thomas was a hero. He had saved the train from the dangerous leaf!
Suddenly, the Controller got out of the train. He was furious with Thomas. “You disobeyed franchise protocol and didn’t stop outside the station for two hours! You’re fired from Sodor Railways”. But Thomas’ fireman knew what to do. He got out his new tablet computer 25s, and showed the Controller a Change.Org petition to strip Sodor Railways of the franchise. It had been circulated on Instagram, Reddit and Twit FaceBook, and the Controller had been very unpopular after his offshore dealings were revealed in the Panama Papers. People had been saying how bad he was, comparing him to Rob from the Archers, and generally being nasty. Soon the DafT decided to take action.
Thomas returned to his shed, where he found out from Henry the Hipster Engine that the franchise had been taken over by an obscure company which was owned by the German government. This was because the Sodor Railway system was privatised by the government in 1995. Terry the Transgender Engine told him that big changes were planned. Thomas didn’t really mind. He already used German coal, so how much else could change?
Suddenly, Thomas’ new Controller appeared. “We’ve promised to bring in high speed, much newer Chinese engines, so you’ll have to leave Sodor Railways”.
“What will happen?” asked Thomas. “Will I be sent for scrap?”
“No”, said the New Controller. “As you’re only 140 years old, we’re going to send you to the North of the Island - but not until 2018, when the new Chinese engines come.”
Thomas relaxed, He didn’t mind being part of First-Arriva-Abellio-Serco-Clydesdale-SeaContainers-TransPennine-McLink-Northern-Northern-Western-Overground-Jeremy-Fishface-Southeastern Trains so long as he wasn’t going anywhere. Sodor Railways’ customers could also expect not to go anywhere.
NEXT TIME: Thomas the Tank Engine and the Quasi-Autonomous Non-Governmental Organisation, where Duck becomes a member of several quangoes.
*******
After buying our books, we looked round the castle and then had lunch. After that, we walked back to the station, bought a paper there, and walked to our platform, where we saw a fox under Platform 1. Soon the train came, and we were heading back home through the fleshpots of Chatham, Gillingham, Faversham and - urgh - Gillingham. Suffice to say that Rochester's new station leaves me quite nicely
whelmed. Now, if only they could do that at Strood...
Yes, I'm aware that Sodor is fictional and is based on Walney Island near Barrow. But if it had been real, it would probably have lost its railway, like Titfield and Hatley nearly did before it.
*Thankfully, I've never been to Detroit.