Being friends with work colleagues

[LowLevel]

You do sound like you'd benefit from the assistance of someone in the business of human psychology. You only get one life (probably!) and it would be very sad to wander through it dissociated from all of the people around you.

Work gossip is standard but it's bred by the unknown. I am a bit unorthodox in many ways but I've always been honest about it with those who are interested and respectful of those who aren't and thus I can count on the fingers of one hand those who I seriously don't get along with.

It sounds harsh but I hate to say by your own description of your current view points and situation in life you're probably your own worst enemy. It's obviously making you unhappy to a degree or you wouldn't be posting about it. I wish you luck in resolving the matter one way or another to your satisfaction (that is of course what matters in the end - it's clear though that if you want to work with a group of like minded people you shouldn't be looking at customer service roles and that won't help you with the friend issue either).

 

[amateur]

You do sound like you'd benefit from the assistance of someone in the business of human psychology. You only get one life (probably!) and it would be very sad to wander through it dissociated from all of the people around you.

Work gossip is standard but it's bred by the unknown. I am a bit unorthodox in many ways but I've always been honest about it with those who are interested and respectful of those who aren't and thus I can count on the fingers of one hand those who I seriously don't get along with.

It sounds harsh but I hate to say by your own description of your current view points and situation in life you're probably your own worst enemy. It's obviously making you unhappy to a degree or you wouldn't be posting about it. I wish you luck in resolving the matter one way or another to your satisfaction (that is of course what matters in the end - it's clear though that if you want to work with a group of like minded people you shouldn't be looking at customer service roles and that won't help you with the friend issue either).

I am consulting CBT.

If the former employer said we don't want you back because you were late/sick/scruffy/unkempt/rude to customers etc. Then I'd be like fair play.

I was still doing the JOB to at hand. Just chose NOT to socialise with colleagues or be pally.

 

[LowLevel]

Yes but the thing is being a team player and working well your colleagues/feeling at ease with each other is an absolute key for a happy team. Where I work not getting on (generally) with the rest of the team or making an effort to be sociable and integrate is actually outlined in writing as a reason to fail your probation and be out of a job.

You're making a conscious decision to act in that way based on your own feelings and opinions - you have to bear in mind that other people's reactions to this will be considered by managers when they look at how the team is working, and if you're causing unhappiness, then there's not much point having you there no matter how good you are, because in that kind of role an unhappy team will show knock on effects to customers.

 

[Clip]

Its hard to be friends with the people you manage however its vitally important to connect with them on a level outside of work too which is why a works night out every so often is a great moral boost for them. Thing is with such a wide area this means I have to have two or three in the same month. The hardship eh.

 

[amateur]

It's obviously making you unhappy to a degree or you wouldn't be posting about it. .

My being rejected from the job is making me unhappy. I took Citalopram as a result. I still cry about it now after 2 years.

Every time I start a new job, or get offered a new job, I cry because i compare or draw parallels to the job I got rejected for. And I prefer the old job. Having said that, I did despise the fact the line manager always clock watched. Something I can't stand.
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Well I thought I had one genuine friend from an old job, but he doesn't make the effort to stay in touch with me, so I can't be bothered with him.

And he's not my friend, cos all I ever talked about was work with him.

It appears friendships with colleagues are formed on sharing common interests outside of work. I don't have any of those interests.
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Yes but the thing is being a team player and working well your colleagues/feeling at ease with each other is an absolute key for a happy team. Where I work not getting on (generally) with the rest of the team or making an effort to be sociable and integrate is actually outlined in writing as a reason to fail your probation and be out of a job.

You're making a conscious decision to act in that way based on your own feelings and opinions - you have to bear in mind that other people's reactions to this will be considered by managers when they look at how the team is working, and if you're causing unhappiness, then there's not much point having you there no matter how good you are, because in that kind of role an unhappy team will show knock on effects to customers.

How would I be causing unhappiness? I just prefer to mind my own business, not get in other people's way, and get on with the work.

I just don't wanna chat about stuff irrelevant to work.

I appreciate that being a sociable colleague is better than being an unsociable colleague.

Anyway, I think the other person hit the nail on the head. I don't see these sociable small talk conversations conducive or relative (relevant) to work!

 

[LowLevel]

It will only make sense if you consider work as part of your wider life rather than as something you try and keep separate - I spend between 40 and 60 hours a week at work and mostly enjoy it, thus I see no reason why I'd want to excise it from the rest of my life. Instead I try and get as much time as possible out of my work including my interactions with colleagues. I fully understand people sometimes not wanting to delve too deeply into their personal lives but to refuse to discuss anything but work completely is odd.

I shall give an example. I used to work with a guy who kept well and truly to himself. He didn't talk about his hobbies except snooker, his home life or love interests. But he still came on nights out, chatted about the job, news, current affairs, sports and did the breakfast cob run while being friendly and engaging. Thus everyone was at ease with him.

I refuse to see work as just work, it's as much a part of my life as anything else and so are the people I work with. I have a perfect sick record, several promotions under my belt and all is well. Which of us seems to be on here saying they have a problem with our differing approaches, to be frank.

 

[amateur]

but to refuse to discuss anything but work completely is odd.

Fair enough. Like I said I thought people go to work to work.

Which of us seems to be on here saying they have a problem with our differing approaches, to be frank.

I worked with someone who had the same mindset and mentality as me. Despite him being a bloody hard worker, nobody valued or appreciated him or were grateful for his efforts.

 

[D841 Roebuck]

I worked with someone who had the same mindset and mentality as me. Despite him being a bloody hard worker, nobody valued or appreciated him or were grateful for his efforts.

Whilst I'm reasonably sociable (by choice) myself, I 100% agree with what you're saying. I detest cliques in any shape or form, and refuse to engage socially with people whom I don't like, whether colleagues or not. More power to your elbow....

 

[Greenback]

I've always managed to ge ton with colleagues at work, even if I've personally disliked them,, though this has been pretty rare. I agree with Yorkie's comment early in the thread that it's important to have positive relationships, even if that means putting personal feelings aside in the interests of team harmony.

However, at the same time I was never that keen on forced jollity, like organised work nights out. These tended to be less enjoyable as far as I was concerned than spontaneous visits to the pub for after work Friday night drinks. When I was on the railway some of the most relaxing and enjoyable times I had outside the work setting was when someone decided to go to the pub at the end of a shift and invited everyone else to join them.

I think it's mainly because I tend to rebel against what I perceive to be morale and team building exercises!

 

[SteveP29]

Having now read the whole thread, I don't wish to sound offensive or to offend you but:

Do you think you may have been rejected from the job because you A, didn't come across as a team player, B, didn't interact with your work colleagues, C, may I suggest gave off an impression when you heard colleagues 'gossiping' that they thought may feel that you felt you were superior to them and D, because of your dedication to your work, they resented that because you could have been used as the yardstick of work to which they should be compared by their manager(s) (human nature suggests that when there is a chance to slack off, many people take it, even if it is for just 10 minutes in the day, not everyone has a selfless and completely dedicated attitude to work. Right now, I'm at work, but am allowing myself time away from what I do to comment on this post!!)

Being brutally honest, I wouldn't like to work alongside you, there seems to be no joy in you, you don't mix socially, either in or out of the workplace and in many places I have worked, that breeds mistrust as many feel that a person in your position is the eyes and ears of management on the shop floor so to speak, things don't get said/ joked about/ discussed in the workplace for fear of offending you because of the attitude you've taken with regard to your colleagues.
How would we be able to engage with you on the things you like and the things you like to do if you won't open up to them and tell them, as far as I am aware, the human being has not developed reliable ESP and telepathy, so without telling people, how are they able to strike up conversation with you (even if you don't want to reciprocate)

Doing unpaid overtime on a regular basis is not helping you and won't make you any more respected or well thought of, all that does is tell your manager that you can be exploited because you'll do the extra work that nobody else wants to do AND you'll do it for free to boot.

As for some of the things you've said about friends outside of work, then there are 2 conclusions to bring:
Firstly, If you always had to initiate conversation with one person, then you are picking the wrong type of people to be friends with (and conversely, think about how you say you felt about that and just stopped, this is how the people you currently work with feel)

Secondly, if you just stop talking to people and have no real desire to want to speak to them, then they are perfectly entitled to take the opinion that they shouldn't want to continue speaking to you.

I can't really get my head around it properly, there are 120 hours in 5 days (usual working week), if you spend 8 hours per night sleeping, that leaves 64 hours, a usual, full time job for sake of argument is 35 hours, that means you spend more than half of your waking hours during the week at work, to NOT engage with the people you work with on any level other than professionally, is madness.

Perhaps you should consider starting your own business, where there is just you and you're able to dedicate all the time required to get it established properly, without the hindrance of having other people to have to mix with?

 

[DarloRich]

Anyway, I think the other person hit the nail on the head. I don't see these sociable small talk conversations conducive or relative (relevant) to work!

The point which you miss is that while you don't think it is important it really is. You nee dot be able to form relationships with people to help get the job done.

Life is what, to you, will look like a series of pointless conversations or activities. To most of us that is just life and part of being a sociable animal. You need to work with your treatment and try and develop some of those skills that the rest of us take for granted.

I have worked with people with all kinds of issues and once they are known & identified people can change the way they interact with you. They can start to understand the type of communication you want/need and go form there.

Be open with them otherwise they will think you are a miserable pita not worth the effort of trying to include or consider.

 

[fowler9]

You spend most of your working week in work, why not try and get on with the people you spend most of you time with. I suffer from Anxiety and Depression. Despite that I work damn hard to make sure when I have to be in work I am making relationships. It gets you through the day. When my head goes west I have people who I can tell, and some of them have similar problems. I don't see the point of deliberately putting yourself apart.

 

[90019]

Well I thought I had one genuine friend from an old job, but he doesn't make the effort to stay in touch with me, so I can't be bothered with him.

Friendships work both ways - you can't just rely on the other person to keep in touch with you, then blame them for it not working. You have to be prepared to try and contact them as well.

If you put no effort into making or keeping friends, you can't then be surprised if you don't make or keep friends.

It appears friendships with colleagues are formed on sharing common interests outside of work. I don't have any of those interests.

You must have some interests outside of work - if you didn't, you wouldn't have joined this forum.

We live in the age of technology, where it is easier than ever to find other people with similar interests and contact them. Go to Google, have a search for things that interest you - there's an abundance of forums around for people with all sorts of interests, no matter how unusual, and there are lots of people out there who are happy to get to know new people and to try and help those who need it, even if it's just through talking over the internet.

Regardless of how you feel, you're still a social creature, and require at least some friends for the sake of your mental health.
Isolating yourself from others only serves to make things worse, and you just end up in a downward spiral. CBT is helpful to a point, but you can't solely rely on others to change how you are. Sometimes it's just a case of forcing yourself to do something you don't really feel up to. Other people can help you, but they can't do everything, otherwise you just end up back where you were.
If you only manage to make friends you can talk to on social media or through the likes of Skype or Telegram, progress is still progress, and it gives you someone to talk to when you need it.

 

[J-2739]

I think he stated elswhere that he wished not to expose his rail enthusiasm.

 

[90019]

That doesn't mean he can't talk to people online.

Throwaway accounts and the wall of anonymity can do wonders in finding others to talk to with little or no danger of any comeback if you decide you don't like it.

I have a couple of people in my contacts list on Skype that are great because I can tell them about anything, and just vent when I need to, as they can to me. If we ever met in person by chance, we wouldn't know it.
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And the best bit about it is that I've made a couple of really good friends that way over the years - it's even how I originally got to know my other half.

 

[fowler9]

I personally love telling people I like trains. Yeah, I love getting ****ed, I've flown around the world, I have been abroad about 12 times in the last 2 years, I go to LFC away matches, I have a mate who has just been on tour with his band and Slayer. We've been chatting for about 2 hours, am I suddenly boring because you now know I also like trains, planes, ships and automobiles? People are weird.

 

[Tracked]

I personally love telling people I like trains. Yeah, I love getting ****ed, I've flown around the world, I have been abroad about 12 times in the last 2 years, I go to LFC away matches, I have a mate who has just been on tour with his band and Slayer. We've been chatting for about 2 hours, am I suddenly boring because you now know I also like trains, planes, ships and automobiles? People are weird.

I go out on the train to different places quite often, I go and see bands no-one's bothered to have heard of, I drink real ales from tiny breweries just up the road, and I get called weird by people who go shopping in Meadowhell every weekend ... :roll:

[edit]didn't even mention the whole long walks and long bike rides either there ...

 

[AnonymousUser1]

I personally love telling people I like trains. Yeah, I love getting ****ed, I've flown around the world, I have been abroad about 12 times in the last 2 years, I go to LFC away matches, I have a mate who has just been on tour with his band and Slayer. We've been chatting for about 2 hours, am I suddenly boring because you now know I also like trains, planes, ships and automobiles? People are weird.

blame the kings of hobbies with their anoraks and flasks of weak lemon drink for that ...

 

[Greenback]

I personally love telling people I like trains. Yeah, I love getting ****ed, I've flown around the world, I have been abroad about 12 times in the last 2 years, I go to LFC away matches, I have a mate who has just been on tour with his band and Slayer. We've been chatting for about 2 hours, am I suddenly boring because you now know I also like trains, planes, ships and automobiles? People are weird.

I don't think it;s necessary to say 'I like trains'. I've made no secret in work that I enjoy rail travel, and I think it's superior to other modes of transport for some journeys. Many of my colleagues have agreed with me, or at least said they did!

Ina couple of jobs I even became known as the man to go to for advice on rail travel and fares (though naturally I'm nowhere near as knowledgeable as the fares experts on this forum!). I also found that some of the regular travellers on my commutes also enjoyed rail travel for leisure purposes, and had some idea of the different TOC's and stock they that used and liked.

 

[507021]

Ina couple of jobs I even became known as the man to go to for advice on rail travel and fares (though naturally I'm nowhere near as knowledgeable as the fares experts on this forum!). I also found that some of the regular travellers on my commutes also enjoyed rail travel for leisure purposes, and had some idea of the different TOC's and stock they that used and liked.

That's the same for me in my current job, after I'd got to know my work colleagues properly I told them that I'm interested in rail transport. As a result of me doing so nearly every time any of my workmates need travel advice, I'm the one they ask!

 

[Ianno87]

I think he stated elswhere that he wished not to expose his rail enthusiasm.

Why on earth not?

I went through a phase many years ago (awkward teenage years and all that) where I was reluctant to "expose" this myself.

All you do is make yourself unhappy as you're never presenting yourself as the person you really are, and there will be no "spark" to show what really makes you tick.

It can make you feel like a right wally just to (forgive the expression) "come out" and say "I like trains" one day around the coffee point, as that's just forced, unnatural and will create a stilted conversation.

Ask a colleague what they did at the weekend. When they return the question, reply "Oh, I went for a train ride". Then they'll ask you where you went and why (ride on a particular type of train, a particular line, visit an obscure town or station).

Then they'll start to understand not only that you like trains, but *why* you like trains and why it makes you tick. Alot of people will be fascinated by any knowledge or anecdotes you may have too. You'll be slowly opening up to them and they'll naturally trust and open up to you more over time as well.

I've found that people are almost universally respecting of my interest (the minority who don't aren't worth botherimg with), and it's good to be known as the guy who likes and is knowledgable about trains, as it makes you different, and, well... you!

Life is full enough of boring, samey people as it is - be proud to be different!

 

[amateur]

In my current job, I have always gone off site on my lunch break. As an "experiment" I shall go to the staff tea room and have my lunch there with colleagues. I shall wait for them to break the ice with me ...and be more open!



There was a famous clip where a reporter asks cristiano Ronaldo why he's not pally with bale and benzema, in the same way MSN are.

He goes off on a tirade, about his days in Manchester. He says I don't have to go for dinner with rio or Rooney or giggs. continues to say "what's most important is how I perform on the pitch".

And I agree with him.

having said that he's very pally with Marcelo!
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Why on earth not?!

I would only talk about it enthustiacalyy with people who work in the industry, or if I were to get a job on the railways - alongside colleagues (and customers if the job requires).

But given my attitude I shall probably fail the probation. Especially by beardy's standards!
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I had a line manager who was direct, straight, talker. She did come across as cold, bitter and abrupt. And a lot of colleagues did find her unapproachable.

The next line manager I had was a lot more friendlier, personable and a lot more polite.

In all honesty if I had to choose between the two, I would go back to first manager. as I think the second manager was fake. And I can't stand fake people.

 

[J-2739]

In my current job, I have always gone off site on my lunch break. As an "experiment" I shall go to the staff tea room and have my lunch there with colleagues. I shall wait for them to break the ice with me ...and be more open!

Good luck! You don't have to rush in with what they currently talk about; start with the basic "what footy team do you support" that kind of stuff. Also, any major topics going around with your colleagues (politics, football teams etc.), I'd recommend you to research them beforehand, so you can blend in with your colleagues.

 

[amateur]

Good luck! You don't have to rush in with what they currently talk about; start with the basic "what footy team do you support" that kind of stuff. Also, any major topics going around with your colleagues (politics, football teams etc.), I'd recommend you to research them beforehand, so you can blend in with your colleagues.

I was pondering on the idea of getting a job at a bookies just to force myself to learn! Current affairs comes naturally so won't have To fake it.

Alternatively I'll just sit with a newspaper!

 

[DynamicSpirit]

In my current job, I have always gone off site on my lunch break. As an "experiment" I shall go to the staff tea room and have my lunch there with colleagues. I shall wait for them to break the ice with me ...and be more open!

That's great to hear, good luck! Hope it goes well.

Just two extra tips: Firstly, if you can do try breaking the ice yourself, even if it's only to say 'hello, how are you?'. If you've not spoken to your colleagues much, you may find that they are just as afraid of breaking the ice with you as you are with them!

Secondly, don't expect a miraculous overnight camaderie. Good friendships often take months to build up (although occasionally you get lucky and hit it off with someone straight away). Also, social skills - talking to people you don't know very well etc. - are skills just like any other skill, that can be learned or forgotten. From what you've written I'm guessing you haven't had much practice at chatting socially to people from work, so it may take time to get used to doing it. That's fine and to be expected. But if you're polite and take an interest in your colleagues lives (for example where they live, what family they have, their children, etc.) you'll probably be fine. There are very few people who don't like having someone be interested in them and their lives!

 

[amateur]

There were about 7 or 8 of us on the same lunch break.

Everybody sat there thumbing through their phones! Or reading a book or paper. 2 people were conversing about a film. I didn't intervene or interfere in anyone's conversation.

No one broke the ice!

 

[Cowley]

There were about 7 or 8 of us on the same lunch break.

Everybody sat there thumbing through their phones! Or reading a book or paper. 2 people were conversing about a film. I didn't intervene or interfere in anyone's conversation.

No one broke the ice!

No need to rush it, just be relaxed and it'll work out. I think it helps if you're interested in what other people are about, people quite often like to talk about themselves and that's a good way of getting a conversation going, but it only really works if you have an actual interest in learning about them. It's worth giving it a go because everyone has something about them that'll surprise you. Often the conversation will go both ways and you'll talk about yourself too.
Just be honest and be yourself, that way is much easier in the long run than trying to be something you're not.
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I personally love telling people I like trains. Yeah, I love getting ****ed, I've flown around the world, I have been abroad about 12 times in the last 2 years, I go to LFC away matches, I have a mate who has just been on tour with his band and Slayer. We've been chatting for about 2 hours, am I suddenly boring because you now know I also like trains, planes, ships and automobiles? People are weird.

Slayer! Awesomeness.

 

[amateur]

I am relaxed

To be honest I'm only genuinely engaged with colleagues when they're talking their previous jobs (i.e. Work) or bemoaning about customers!

When they start talking about other topics I just switch off.

The only other conversation I can engage in is when the colleague is talking about his commute to work and which train he gets and what time it departs

I must just be a very big misanthrope!


I once received a complaint. Apparently a colleague thought I was ignoring him, and complained about my avoiding him! I was on an agency contract. After two weeks, I was let go.
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Having now read the whole thread, I don't wish to sound offensive or to offend you but:

to NOT engage with the people you work with on any level other than professionally, is madness

I don't think it's madness at all. I'd rather work somewhere, where that's the norm.

 

[fowler9]

I am relaxed

To be honest I'm only genuinely engaged with colleagues when they're talking their previous jobs (i.e. Work) or bemoaning about customers!

When they start talking about other topics I just switch off.

The only other conversation I can engage in is when the colleague is talking about his commute to work and which train he gets and what time it departs

I must just be a very big misanthrope!


I once received a complaint. Apparently a colleague thought I was ignoring him, and complained about my avoiding him! I was on an agency contract. After two weeks, I was let go.
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I don't think it's madness at all. I'd rather work somewhere, where that's the norm.

Mate no matter what I have said previously on this thread as long as you are happy I am happy. I suffer from depression, I find my day easier if I can chat with colleagues. If you find it easier not to and you are happy then that is great. That is all you need, just being comfortable in your own skin. I think I jumped on this thread because some people are not comfortable saying they like trains. I think it was just from my experience of being younger and being afraid. I work with a lad, and he is a big lad with a skin head, and he always gets asked whether he is a red or a blue in Liverpool. He isn't interested in football at all and he'll just come out and tell them he loves Sci Fi. My point, if I have one, is that as long as your are happy and comfortable yourself, and aren't doing anyone any harm, who cares. It is good.
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No need to rush it, just be relaxed and it'll work out. I think it helps if you're interested in what other people are about, people quite often like to talk about themselves and that's a good way of getting a conversation going, but it only really works if you have an actual interest in learning about them. It's worth giving it a go because everyone has something about them that'll surprise you. Often the conversation will go both ways and you'll talk about yourself too.
Just be honest and be yourself, that way is much easier in the long run than trying to be something you're not.
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Slayer! Awesomeness.

Yeah, my mate plays in a band called Carcass.They have been touring with Slayer recently. I have been pretty jealous of some of the places he has been and the people he has been knocking around with. That said he doesn't get to see a lot of the places he goes and a lot of it is boring. Ha ha.

 

[amateur]

like everyone has said on this thread 90% of your conversation has to be non-work, and 10% work.

once upon a time work was my life. May be I need to change that, and get a life (possibly a partner aswell), outside of work!


^^ maybe we should start a forum dating thread. We all share similar interests after all
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The coping mechanism I would use to pass my probation (if I did work on the rails), would be to just do as much overtime as possible in order to pass my probation! And that would be my get out clause for not going for drinks or weekends out with colleagues! Or by doing overtime will people see my true colours....familiarity breeds contempt!